I chickened out.
I was planning on going to see Caley that night, but I couldn't do it. Once I got to her door, I looked inside and saw Gerrard sitting next to her. She was lying on her side, facing him, her silvery blonde hair splayed out on her pillow. He was leaning forward, with his face on the bed, playing with her hair. She was just staring at him, as if she wasn't actually seeing him. He was talking and smiling, but she was expressionless. And when I saw the two of them there together, it made me angry.
I admit, I was jealous of Gerrard. I had barely spoken to him, but I knew I hated him. But a part of me knew that the reason I disliked him so much was because he was always with Caley. He was, as Abbey said, doing the things that I should have been doing for Caley. And as much as I tried to project that jealousy into hatred for what Caley had done, I knew deep down that it was just me trying to make myself feel better. So instead of going inside and speaking to her, I sat in the dark hallway outside her door with my head in my hands, enhancing my hearing so that I could hear what Gerrard was saying and making myself feel worse and worse.
This went on for the next few nights. Everytime I gathered up the courage to go and speak to her, I backed down once I got to the door and ended up just sitting in the hallway, listening to her speak to Gerrard or scream in pain.
Her condition was definitely worsening. I could tell that much by just looking at her every night from the door. She was pale and thin. Her cheekbones stood out sharply on her face and she had dark circles under her eyes. She was skin and bones, her hair falling limply around her face. Her eyes were dark and tormented. Even from my distance, I could tell she had numerous scars on her arms and legs from where she fought against the iron shackles that kept her from hurting herself severely. Everytime I looked at her, I felt something twist inside of me. This was not the Caley I had fallen in love with. This Caley was broken and tortured, fighting for her life even though she had no hope.
On the nights that Gerrard wasn't with her, she'd sit up in her bed and look out the little window that was mounted high up on the wall. She would just stare out the window without blinking and I wondered what she was thinking. Once I tried to read her mind, but her mind fortress was up. It was amazing that even in her state of weakness, her mind was that powerful. I had no idea what she was thinking about. She never cried. Not once. Her face held the same blank expression all the time, but it was in her eyes that I could see the pain and sadness. Even from the distance, I could tell that she was suffering. I didn't need to hear her screams to understand that.
Every night, I sat outside her door like a coward, hating myself more and more for not being able to go inside and just talk to her. Why was it so difficult for me? I knew I was still angry, but at least now I was willing to see her. But why couldn't I go inside?
I knew the answer, but I hated myself for it. I couldn't go inside and actually face her because I was afraid that she wouldn't say anything to me. I was afraid that she hated me because I had taken so long to actually come see her, that I had let her suffer for so long and let her go through so much torture.
One night, I had gotten to her door just as Gerrard was leaving her room. He looked distraught, upset, and when he saw me, his expression turned into anger.
"You son of a bitch," he said through clenched teeth, closing the door behind him and muttering a spell that prevented sounds from entering the patient rooms. He moved so quickly, I barely had time to register what happened. Before I knew it, I was pinned up against the wall, with Gerrard's angry face right next to mine.
"You son of a fucking bitch," he shouted again, slamming me against the wall. I just stared at him.
"You fucking cowardly piece of shit. Do you realize what you're doing to her? Do you realize what YOU'VE DONE TO HER?!" he yelled, throwing me to the ground. He started pacing back and forth, clawing at his hair like a mad man.
"What are you talking about?!" I exclaimed finally.
He stopped and glared at me. He crouched down and pulled me up against the wall again, strangling me slightly as he fumed.
"SHE WANTS TO DIE!" he shouted in my face. My eyes widened and I felt my heart rip open inside of me when he said the words. He let go of me, letting me lean limply against the wall.
"W-what?" I asked.
"She wants to die. She hasn't said anything to anyone since she's woken up and that's the only thing she said to me. She said she's going to tell the doctors to stop giving her the medications that are helping her live and manage the pain. She's going to give them consent to let her die," he said, pacing back and forth. He stopped to glare at me. "And it's all your FUCKING FAULT!" he yelled. I winced at the volume of his voice.
"How is it my fault?" I asked, although I knew full well that it probably was.
"She's been suffering for nearly three months. Alone. By herself. The only person she's been waiting for to come see her is you. And you FUCKING COWARDLY PIECE OF SHIT-you didn't come see her once. And she's been holding out for this long, but she can't do it anymore. She's letting go. And now she's going to DIE AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" Gerrard shouted.
I felt as if his words were physically beating me up. Even though he was only shouting, every single word hit me like a lethal punch to the gut. He was right; it was my fault. Caley wanted to die and it was my fault.
"I don't even know what she saw in you. She put so much blind faith and trust in you, but you turned out to be useless. You have no idea how much she loves you, you ungrateful bastard," Gerrard said, his voice dangerously low. "And the worst part is is that the one person she cares about won't even be the one mourning her death," he added, a disappointed and helpless look on his face. He gave me one last glare before shaking his head and walking away, leaving me alone to deal with what he had told me.
I stood in the hallway for a long time, just staring at the ground. My mind was blank; it had no coherent thoughts. The only thing I knew was that it was one thing for me to know that Caley was just suffering. But now that she wanted to die, that she was giving up on life, it completely changed things. And so when my feet started moving towards her room, my mind didn't do anything to stop them and before I knew it, I was inside.
~*~*~*~
Caley was sitting up on her bed, staring up at the window. From where she was sitting, the moon was in plain sight. It shone brightly in the midnight blue sky, full and silver. The light from the moon streamed inside the dark room, brightening it. The ghostly white light illuminated Caley, making her pale white skin glow in an almost angelic way. Her eyes were big and round, a navy blue so dark that it almost looked black. Her pale lips were curved upwards slightly, not quite a smile, but not a frown, either. She sat with one knee to her chest, the other leg folded underneath her. She wore a long, loose white lace dress, the shackles peeking out from underneath it. Even though she looked so sickly, somehow, she looked breathtakingly beautiful at the same time.
When I sat down in the chair next to her bed, she didn't move or say anything. She just continued to stare outside silently. I wasn't sure how long we sat in silence for, but it seemed like neither of us was willing to be the first to speak. My mind was still reeling from what Gerrard had told me. If it was true, then it meant that this time the next day, Caley would probably be dead.
"You know, I didn't think you'd come visit at all," Caley finally said. Her voice, even though it was soft and quiet, cut through the silence like a sharp blade. She didn't look at me when she said it; she continued to stare blankly at the moon. I wasn't even sure if she knew I was there; she hadn't moved at all. I opened my mouth to reply, but I couldn't find the words.
She finally blinked and then turned her head to look at me. She smiled weakly at me and I felt as if a thousand knives were stabbing me in the heart. Even in my anger, it was killing me to see her this way.
"You look terrible; like you haven't slept in months," she said. I broke eye contact and looked down at my lap, shaking my head. I looked terrible? Had she seen herself?
I could feel her continue to stare at me. After a few long moments, she turned her face back towards the window. Once again, silence fell over us.
"Did Gerrard tell you what I told him?" she asked me. "Is that why you're here?"
I couldn't bring myself to say anything. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I say anything to her? It was as if I had forgotten how to speak or form coherent words.
"Do you think it makes me weak? That I want to give up? I've been thinking about it a lot," Caley continued, her voice still soft, barely louder than a whisper. "When this happened to my mother, she found the will to keep living for 17 years to raise me. She endured this pain for 17 years and I can't even handle it for a few months. That makes me weak. And a coward. I hate myself for that. I wish that I was stronger. That I could bare this pain. But I can't," her voice broke slightly, but no tears came. "I can't," she repeated.
"But my mother, I guess it was easier for her because she still had people that loved her. She had me to worry about; she couldn't just give up because she had a baby inside of her. And then my father, he was willing to be there for her. But me? I'm so alone. I failed. I let everyone down," Caley said. She looked at me and our eyes met. "I let you down," she said.
Every word she said broke me down more and more. As she spoke, I could feel the anger slowly ebbing away and being replaced by a sadness that was so overwhelming that it was difficult to stayed composed. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and pull her into my arms and never let her go. But there was still a part of me that was angry with; still a part that wanted to know why she had done what she had done. But for some reason, I couldn't find the words to ask her.
"I know that you don't understand it, but I did what I did to save us. I never wanted anyone to get hurt. I never wanted any of this to happen. I just wanted you and me to be happy. But I couldn't do it. I failed," Caley said.
I furrowed my brows. I didn't understand. We had been happy before she had joined the dark side; before any of this had happened. What did she need to save? We were perfectly fine before.
"The curse, Trey. There's a curse on my elemental line. Remember from history class? It's the reason that there are so few Aguamenti in the world. Every water master is cursed to never be happily and truly in love. Something tragic always happens to destroy any chance of love. It affected my father by killing my mother. There is a whole nation of water masters that's hidden from the rest of the world and their population is slowly dying. They're the last ones and they're dying. And the queen, the prince—," she paused, shaking her head. Her eyes glistened with tears, but they didn't fall. I wondered what she was thinking. "And now us. The curse is killing me. Both curses. I'm dying and I was supposed to break it. I was supposed to save everyone, but I couldn't because I failed," she said. I just looked at her, my eyes narrowed and confused.
"Do you understand, Trey? Do you get why I had to do what I did? My mother had been trying to break the curse on my elemental line and she had joined the dark side to get access to more magic. She left all of her research with Elijah, so I had to join him to get that research. But then I took the Blood Oath and I wasn't supposed to and I was bound to Elijah. If I disobeyed him, I would activate the poison in my blood. But I thought I could figure out how to break the curses. I thought I would have found the countercurse before any of that could happen. But I didn't. It didn't work. And now there's poison in my blood vessels instead of blood and I'm dying," she stopped talking and took a few breaths. She had started talking quickly, her words running together, her voice desperate.
"I let everyone down. I failed. I couldn't save them. I couldn't save us," she paused. "I failed."
She looked at me and her eyes were so dark and so distant. I was unsure if she could even see me, if she even knew that I was there anymore. She was so lost inside of her grief and it was tearing me apart.
Gone was the anger. Gone was the fury. In its place, I felt nothing but guilt. I didn't know if what she was saying about the elemental curse was true or not. We had learned about it in school, but I had always thought it was a myth. But it made sense. When she explained it the way she had, it made sense. That's why I knew no one else besides Caley and her father that was a full water master. And if what she was saying was true, then that meant that she held the weight of saving an entire race of Magii on her shoulders. Alone. And instead of believing in her or taking the time to understand, I let hatred cloud my judgment. And the result of that was in front of me. I was losing the love of my life, all because I was too blinded by anger to listen and believe.
"I just wanted us to be happy, Trey. I never wanted you to get hurt. I never wanted you to hate me," she said. I could see the tears in her eyes as they threatened to spill over. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.
And for the first time since she had woken up, the tears fell from her eyes. She had endured the pain of the poison in her veins for so long and the thing that was hurting her the most—the thing that had finally made her cry—was her letting me down.
"I'm sorry, Trey," she said again. She wasn't sobbing, but the tears fell silently from her eyes; gracefully, as if she was a fallen angel. And then her face contorted in pain. She clutched her stomach, digging her nails into her skin so she bled. The chains on the walls fought to pull her back, but she fought harder. And with tears still on her face, she screamed. She screamed and this scream was so unlike any other that I had heard before because it was a scream of pure sadness.
The doors burst open and a team of doctors and nurses rushed in. I felt someone pull me up from my seat and start to push me outside as they tried to stabilize Caley. But she continued to scream. And I just stared. I stared and with each scream of pure agony, I felt my heart bleed open.
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A/N: This chapter was hard to write. I started crying part of the way through. I guess that means that I'm too attached to my characters.
Anyway, the end is VERY near.
Until next time...
XOXO