CW: mental health, mentions of human trafficking, child trafficking, murder, blood. If I missed any, I'm sorry. Let me know, and I can add them.
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Bucky helped Pepper set up a bed and a small area to keep the kitten while she waited on the supplies to be delivered. He still hated leaving her behind, but Syd was right about the pets, and Morgan was already in love with Liho. Syd had disappeared a while ago, making her rounds to say her goodbyes to some people she didn't get to see as often. The sun bounced off the lake, hitting Bucky in the face as he stepped out to find her.
"You know, Bucky, this is probably the happiest I've ever seen her," Steve clapped him on the shoulder before crossing his arms and looking out over the people. "And you? Well, you look at her like she's the sun."
Bucky smirked, "Nah, the sun is hot and angry, fucking thing is trying to blind me out here, and I'm not even trying to look at it. But her? Shit, all I wanna do is look at her."
He watched her mingle around from the porch, amazed by how happy she could pretend to be around people when he knew that she was practically crawling out of her skin on the inside. It was nice to know he wasn't alone in feeling that way around large groups like this, even when they did know most of the people there. Maybe she could teach him a trick or two.
"Fair point. So, maybe you look at her like she's a star?"
"She's the moon, Stevie. She's beautiful, mysterious, and a little dark sometimes. She's strong enough to control oceans, I just wanna drown in her."
"Jesus, Buck, and people think I do all the fancy talking." She smiled at him as he shook his head, "You two heading out?"
"Yeah, she's not a fan of the fireworks, and honestly, I'm not exactly sure I could handle them. It's been a hell of a long time since explosions were a good thing."
"Thanks for coming out, Buck. I think it really helped with Stark, and I was happy as hell you were here."
"Happy birthday, Stevie. Come here, punk." The two embraced and Bucky let out a deep sigh. "I missed you, buddy. I missed a lot of birthdays, too. Lot to make up for."
"Yeah, I was on ice for most of them, so don't worry about it. I'm just glad to have you back. Hey, I was thinking," Steve rubbed the back of his neck nervously as he talked, "We should, you know, go hang out sometime. Maybe go catch a baseball game or something not work-related. Just, ahh, just the two of us, or, you know, maybe the three of us. Whatever would work for you."
Bucky barked out a laugh, "Baseball game? Yeah, maybe we can find something a little less people-y. No, really, that would be great." He punched Steve's arm playfully, "Maybe we can do something next time she's out on a mission."
"Yeah, that would be great." Steve watched Bucky's attention shift back to Syd as the edges of his mouth curled into a smile. Even when they were kids, it wasn't often Bucky was this smitten with someone. Even Steve had to admit it looked damn good on him. "Do me a favor, huh? No sex in the locker rooms."
"Nope. No." Bucky crossed his arms and shook his head as he looked out over the lake to avoid looking at Steve. "Wouldn't dream of it."
Steve's head dropped as he sighed, "You already have, haven't you?"
"Twice," he answered with a mischievous grin and a wink.
"Heads up, hot stuff," Syd yelled as she tossed the keys to Bucky, "Happy birthday, Stevie. I'm gonna take your bestie back home now and do things to him that would make you blush!"
"That's code for she's gonna fall asleep in the car," Bucky laughed as he jogged down the stairs. He picked her up before she could stop him and had her over his shoulder. His hand came down hard on her ass,"Behave, missy."
"You promise to spank me again if I don't, Sergeant?" She smacked his ass in return and laughed, "Bye, Stevie! Enjoy the fireworks! Bring home cake!"
***
Once they were back home, he gently scooped Syd from the passenger's seat as she mumbled something about scotch tape. Still asleep, she wrapped her arms around his neck, and he carried her through the building and up to the large common room, laying her down on one of the couches. He left for a moment, just long enough to grab a couple of waters, the chips Syd liked, and a bottle of wine just in case. He turned off the lights and quietly put everything on the coffee table, then sat down and shifted her head into his lap.
The sun was just about down, and he could already make out some of the distant fireworks people were setting off. He let out a soft sigh, proud of himself for making it through the day—even though he'd had the panic attack—happy that he and Stark had taken a step in the right direction. He looked down and brushed the stray strands of hair out of her face, she looked so peaceful.
"I never thought to watch them in here," she said sleepily before opening her eyes and glancing up at him. She rolled onto her back and smiled. "Thanks for bringing me home, Sarge. This is actually kinda nice."
"Yeah, thought it would work since this is basically what Stark had set up for you at the lake house, soundproof, tinted windows." He leaned over and kissed her forehead, "Plus, there are no rules about sex in the fireworks room here. Come on, let's watch for a bit."
He took her hand and led her across the room to the windows, standing behind her with his head against hers as they watched the distant explosions of color. Occasionally he caught her expressions or her eyes in the reflections, and each time it gave him butterflies.
"That one over there," Syd pointed to a large explosion of reds and purples, "that's a lot like what I saw when you kissed me that first time and in the hangar later."
"It doesn't still look like that?" His lips ghosted her ear before he started nipping at it.
"No, it's changed," She giggled. "That's normal, though. You're not as nervous and freaking out now."
"I'm still nervous. How could I not be when I've found a beautiful princess like you?" He turned her around to face him, pressing her against the glass as his tongue slid over her bottom lip, "Just being near you make me nervous, and I'm definitely still freaking out."
When he broke the kiss, he cupped her face in one hand, softly stroking her cheek with his thumb. Her eyes were dark brown with soft gold flecks, he never wanted to look away from her. "FRIDAY, play something slow."
She breathed in as her head rested on his shoulder and they started to sway. The traces of his woodsy vanilla scent stirred her own butterflies and before she knew it, her tongue was sliding up his neck. She nipped softly at his jaw while she listened to his heart speed up. It made the warmth in her body spread lower as they danced in the dark.
"So all the colors you see, the emotions, they look like fireworks going off around people?"
"No, the fireworks effect is...specific. I only see those when it's, uhm, like when two people first meet. Like when I first met you, the entire quinjet buzzed with electricity. Super high emotions. Anger looks more like lightning flashes. For most people, it looks like ribbons or clouds."
"Can I ask you something really stupid?" He smiled at her giggle. "How the fuck are you such a good sniper when you've got explosions and lighting and colors all around you?"
"Well, it's amazing for getting really good at focus and concentration. But also, the farther the person is from me, the weaker the colors get. Like when I'm trying to spot people in a building, I can't usually get their emotions specifically, just a soft glow or pulse." Her fingers threaded into his. "You, though, I've seen you from a mile away since I met you."
"Because of the whole super soldier thing?"
"Partly. But I can only see Stevie for a few hundred yards before he just becomes a glowy orb. It's easier to turn his colors off, too." She turns away from the window to face him, "I think it's because of how we feel about each other. Kind of gives it a boost because we have a... I don't know, connection? That sounds so hoaky to say out loud."
"I don't think it sounds hoaky. Maybe we were always meant to find each other. Maybe it's how you were supposed to find me." He slid his nose up hers, closing his eyes and breathing her in. Their lips brushed softly together while his hand slid up her side. A soft, breathy moan filled his ears when his cool fingers danced under her shirt and to her bra.
"Oh," she whispered and he pulled back to look at her, "your fireworks are back."
Their mouths crashed together as he lifted her and headed back toward the couch, "I need you, Sydney. I need you so fucking much. Every day, every minute. I just want to be near you and touch you. I need to hear you say you're mine every day."
"I am, Bucky. I am yours," she could feel his smile against her neck. As he put her down and started climbing on top of her. She pulled at his shirt, helping him pull it over his head, then her hand down his chest and over his abs.
"You're so good to me, doll. I wanna be good to you. I wanna take care of you." He lifted his head, running his nose along hers, "Can I? Can I take care of you, baby doll?"
"Bucky," she whined, taking his hand and slowly bringing it up her body, stopping at her neck. She looked up at him, her eyes begging as he bit her lip.
He pulled back a little and looked at her, "Sydney, that's a bad—"
"I trust you. I want to feel everything with you. You're the one I want to explore everything with. I trust you with all of me, even my dark, dirty side." She cupped his cock, and he whined, closing his eyes for a moment, "I wanna try things with you, but only when you're comfortable. We can start slow. Honestly, I've never tried it, well, not like this anyhow."
"I don't know, baby."
"Hey, it's alright. We don't have to start with this. Why don't we start slower, maybe a couple of fantasies like the one where you want me in a skirt? Guessing you'd like some stockings and heels with that as well?" She felt his cock twitch, and she grinned. She pulled him closer, her warm breath just under his ear as she whispered, "Now we're getting somewhere. Where do you want to fuck your pretty doll when she's in that skirt for you, Sergeant?"
"Starks office," even he was surprised at how quickly that spilled out as his eyes rolled back. He could picture her there, bent over the desk in a skirt. His head rocked back, and he talked to the ceiling as she undid his pants. "You keep the heels and stockings on. I want you clawing my back and screaming my name until we break the fucking desk."
Her hand slid between them, following the deep V that led to his hard cock. "Keep talking, Bucky."
"Fuck, baby. I need you. Now, anywhere, forever. I just need you." He felt jolt of electricity run through him when her hand gripped him hard. Their lips crashed together again. He sucked on her tongue as she continued to squeeze his cock.
"Agent Hayes, there's an emergency," FRIDAY explained, scaring the shit out of both of them so badly that Bucky nearly fell off the couch. "Agents Romanoff and Barton, along with Colonel Rhodes, will meet you at a designated location for pickup in fifteen minutes. You will need to leave in no later than five minutes."
"Fuck!" She jumped up, helping Bucky get his pants back on before they started running for the locker room just off the quinjet hangar. "FRIDAY, what the hell is going on?"
"INTERPOL has a positive identification on another member of The Blight."
"Who?" Bucky asks while running.
"Fuck, they're nasty. The guy we brought in last week that I had to interrogate is one of the leaders."
Bucky helped make sure her go-bag was all set while she threw on her uniform in record time. In the hangar, they found a few recruits scrambling to load everything they would need into the jet.
"Shit, I'm sorry, Sugar," She turned to Bucky and gave him a peck on the cheek, but he grabbed her and kissed her hard and slow.
"Don't forget to come back to me, okay?"
"I won't forget Sarge. While I'm gone, maybe you could start looking for that skirt. I'll text you my size in case you find one or three you like." She licked the tip of his nose and ran into the jet.
***
"Alright, kid, do your thing," Rhodey grinned as he opened the door to the interrogation room. Syd had been there for just over twenty-four hours waiting for her turn but secretly hoping it never came. Rhodey could see how nervous she was, "Don't worry, we're all out here, and he's in some pretty serious restraints."
"Great. So which one of you is going to save me from whatever is in his fucking mind?" She sighed. There wasn't really another option when it came to getting information quickly from someone. What would take days of questioning, researching, cross-referencing, stakeouts, and more, Syd could get done in a few minutes. They only used her power when they had to, and in this case there were several lives at stake and the clock was already ticking against them.
Sometimes she could shake them off like dreams, or tuck them away in the deep dark filing cabinet of the brain only to be dusted off when necessary. Some, though, would dig in and fight, playing over and over in her mind. It wouldn't be a problem if it were good memories, but they rarely were. Not many people being interrogated are in that position because of positive, happy memories. That's why Syd was a last resort.
She took a deep breath and cleared her mind before stepping into the room. The oppressive heat smacked her in the face and made it difficult to breath, reminding her of the hot summer months in the south. A small fan rattled in the corner, but it could only push around the warm air, filling the room with a stale-smelling cheap cologne. She pushed her tinted glasses up and looked at him. This guy made Bucky and Steve look like twigs. He probably could have played professional football if he was twenty years younger.
He huffed and started to laugh, "You're almost as cute as the last bitch they sent in here. Almost." He slicked back his dark, sweat-soaked hair with beefy fingers while his eyes followed her around the room. "Mmm, yeah, you got more meat on your bones than she did, nice and thick where it counts. I bet you taste as sweet as honey, don't you?"
"Shut the fuck up."
"Don't worry, sweetheart. You're much too old for my tastes. I bet I could still have a little fun with you, though. Looks like you could use a good fucking." He leered at her and chuckled, "You look...familiar."
"Yeah, probably look like all those women you killed?" Her skin crawled at how he looked at her, like a ravenous wolf staring down a lamb. She knew that look too well.
"No, something else," He licked his lips, then laughed "Aww, well that's a shame. That fresh mark on your neck makes it hard to sell someone like you, but then, I'm sure I could find a buyer or two after I ruin your pretty little cunt."
"You talked too fucking much," she growled and moved quickly behind him, sliding her hand along the back of his neck. She didn't even have time to cringe at the sweat as they both took in sharp breaths, and Syd entered his mind.
Memories flew by as she searched for the ones she needed to find, but there was something else in the darkness that had been waiting for her. She heard the screams and felt the terror in her bones. These weren't his nightmares and fears. They were the horrors he inflicted on other people, she could hear him laughing in the distance. Then came the faces. Only a handful of them were more than teenagers, all of them in pain, alone, and scared. All of them were left alone in the darkness with this monster. All of them dead. Except one.
"Sydney, stop!"
She jerked back to reality and looked down at her hands, shakey and bleeding. Then she looked at the chair and saw him still smiling at her through red teeth and scratches. She lunged for him again, but Nat had a hold of her and pulled her out of the room.
"Nice to see you still got fight in you, Little Flower!"
***
"Admit it, Rogers, that was a terrible idea," Bucky laughed, tossing his stuff on the coffee table with a bag full of snacks.
"You know, I really thought that a minor league game would be a safe bet."
"Yeah, the hat and sunglasses disguise might work for you, but I'm a little harder to hide," Bucky wiggled his fingers in the air before pulling the gloves off and tossing them in a chair with his jacket. "Not too many metal-armed guys roaming around here. Alright, I'll grab the beer, you pick the movie."
Music started to play softly, and Bucky lept over the couch for his phone. Nat taught him how to set a ringtone so he'd know it was Syd calling, even though she teased him for being the only person she knew who didn't always have their phone silenced. It was the first song they danced to, the one Bucky would hum night while they fell asleep together.
"Hey, Kitten? Is everything okay? You don't normally get to call on missions." He hadn't been expecting much contact while she was gone. It was a short trip, but he knew she'd be busy. He could hear the sound of the quinjet and distant voices in the background.
There was no response, but he could hear her breathing. She couldn't find her voice, but it was okay because she just needed to hear him. She needed to feel safe and remember she was going home to him, not the monsters. She closed her eyes but only for a second.
"Sydney? What's wrong? What happened?"
"I just, uhm, we're headed home, and I figured I'd let you know."
"I miss you. I know you've only been gone a day and a half, but I don't care." He dropped onto the couch, when she hadn't answered, his mind raced through a thousand possibilities.
"Missed you, too."
He could hear in her voice something was off. Then he heard the sniffle. "Syd? Baby, what's wrong?"
"I dunno, it was a rough interrogation. It kinda got to me." She sighed and looked around, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. She was in the far back corner where no one would hear her, not that they were listening. Clint and Nat were in their own little world while Rhodes was hunched over a tablet, probably talking to Tony. She should be happy she was headed home but couldn't shake the darkness.
"I...I fucked up, and I'm pretty sure everyone is mad at me."
"What happened?" He grabbed Steve's phone and texted Nat the same question.
"I just lost my shit in an interrogation. I don't know why," her voice cracked, and she stopped herself. "No, I do know why, but I didn't mean to. I shouldn't have done that."
[Romanoff] Punched the fucker in the head, and damn near ripped his eyes out
[Romanoff] We pulled her away before she could nightmare his ass
[Romanoff] I still say we should have let her
Who was he?
"Hey, it's alright. I'm sure he deserved it, and I doubt anyone is mad at you. It'll be okay. Are you done when you get back, or do you have to go right into more work?" Bucky was already formulating a plan for the evening. He'd cook dinner before she got home, run her a bath, try to figure out what was wrong, and help if he could. Hold her if he couldn't.
[Romanoff] Child trafficker, murderer, all-around piece of shit
[Romanoff] Most of his victims never made it to the buyers
[Romanoff] I think she saw some of that, so go slow with her
Fuck. Okay, thanks.
"No, I'm done with work. I think I'm off duty for a few days after what I did. I'm going to go straight home, and if Steve or anyone else stops me, I will not be responsible for their broken noses or nightmares. I'm on a roll. Why stop now?" She laughed and hoped he couldn't hear how fake it was. She knew she could fool other people, and they would think everything was fine, hell she'd been doing it her whole life practically.
"Well, that just makes me wanna meet you at the hangar in case you beat them up. I'd love to watch that shit." He looked up as Sam walked in and stared at him. He flipped him off, "I'm gonna take care of you, okay. You need to talk about it?"
She did. She should.
"No, it's okay. I need to get going in a second, anyhow. I just wanted to hear your voice."
"Baby girl, you can always call me. Anytime." He could feel the lump in his throat. It hurt not to be there next to her. "Does that mean you're okay with me being around when you get home, or do you need some downtime?"
Downtime. Appropriate way to describe it, really. She wasn't sure she could get much lower, though.
"Actually, yeah. I think you're the one face I wouldn't mind seeing right now. You've got access to the apartment, so come over whenever." Her voice was flat, like she was telling her landlord they could come in and spray for bugs, not her partner to comfort her.
Bucky's voice dropped to a whisper, "Sweetheart, I wish I were with you right now, next to you. I'm sorry the interrogation went bad, but you'll be alright and home soon. I'm right here if you need to talk, Sydney. Anything you need, I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. Okay?"
"Tell him to get the fuck off my couch! He's seriously not going anywhere! Get your damn boots off the table, Buck!" They managed to get a small laugh out of her as she listened to Bucky cussing Sam out and shooing him away.
"Alright, my beautiful girl. I guess I need to deal with this asshole. I can't wait to see you and hug all this bad shit out of you."
"He means fuck, not hug!"
"Shut the fuck up, Samuel!" He hated to hang up under normal circumstances. Knowing she was upset was making it even harder. "Sorry, baby, I can stay on till you land if you want me to. You might have to listen to me killing Sam, though, if he keeps being a dick."
"No, it's okay. I should go. I'll see you in a couple of hours, Buck." She hung up.
Bucky stared at the phone for a while until he heard Steve clear his throat. "Stevie, can I get a rain check on the movie? I need to do some things before she's back."
"Yeah, no problem. Everything okay?"
"I don't think so."
"Send the rookie," Sam scoffed. "He's supposed to be doing whatever you want."
"I will. She's messed up from the interrogation, though, and I want to make sure she comes home to some good things to get her mind off it."
"You can't go around calling your dick 'good things' and expect that to be okay, Buck."
"Do you have a death wish, Sam? FRIDAY, send that rookie to Syd's apartment. Tell him I'll meet him there."
***
Once they landed and her gear was stored, she left the hangar without saying a word to anyone, but the second she stepped through the doors, she stopped and stared.
"Agent Hayes, uhm, Sergeant Barnes told me to wait for you and make sure you got these," the kid shoved a bunch of daisies toward her as he spoke, stuttering nervously.
She laughed dryly, "Seriously? How did you get suckered into this?"
"I had the lowest score in training for the third day in a row, ma'am. Agent Wilson said because of that, I had to do anything Sergeant Barnes asked me to do today."
"Anything? What else has he made you do?" Her eyebrow shot up as she took the flowers and opened the small card. Clearly, he made the recruit write it since it was definitely not Bucky's handwriting.
Welcome home, beautiful. The rookie is to carry anything you have with you to the apartment. Then he's been ordered to clean your equipment and the quinjet. Don't let him off the hook. ❤️
"Uhm, I cleaned your jeep and have more flowers for you along the way." His face was turning red the longer he stood there, and it was hard for Syd not to laugh a little at the embarrassment the poor guy was feeling. "I uhm, I also did your filing and...uhm... laundry, Ma'am."
Syd's smile dropped, and she cocked her head to the side, "My laundry? Like ALL of my laundry?"
"Yes, ma'am," his eyes were glued to the floor.
"That motherfucker." That explained the embarrassment. The look on his face was definitely one that said, 'I've seen your sexy underwear stash that's specifically for Sergeant Barnes, and I'm totally picturing you in it.' Awesome. "Alright, let's go. My gear is already stored, so it looks like you're carrying flowers."
Every so often, the recruit would jog ahead of her to grab another bunch of flowers and show them to her as if she had to approve them before they could move on. He collected armfuls of daisies, marigolds, lilies, roses, dahlias, carnations, and at last, peonies by her door. At this rate, she'd have been opening her own flower shop if she lived any further from the hangar.
"That man is single-handedly keeping the local flower shop open all because I said I'd never gotten flowers." She shook her head. "You ever buy your dates flowers, rookie?"
"Yes ma'am, once. Oh, and for my mom on her birthday, too." He flashed her a weak smile, "I should probably get some, though, since my girlfriend is mad at me right now."
Syd nodded, then held the door open for the kid. The smells that hit her in the face when she walked in made her stomach growl loudly, she hadn't realized how hungry she was and couldn't remember the last meal she'd eaten. Bucky pulled a pan from the burner and turned to her, wrapping around her to dance around the tiny kitchen.
"There she is! Welcome home, Goddess." He kissed her, "I missed you."
"Hi to you, too," she answered with a tight-lipped smile.
"Beat it, recruit! Unless you wanna see the most beautiful woman in the world naked, and if you even think about answering that, I will murder you very slowly!" Bucky laughed as the kid started to run out the door to finish his tasks.
"Wait!" Syd yelled out, and he stopped, too scared to look at them, "Go grab some of those flowers for your girlfriend. There's more than enough." She looked at Bucky, and he shrugged with a smile, "Not the daisies!"
The kid ran back into the apartment, grabbing the marigolds and lilies before he bolted.
"You made him do my laundry? Bucky, there was..." She shook her head and laughed, "oh, that poor kid."
"Yeah, I know. I almost made him wash the sheets, but I figured I'd save him that one. If he fucks up again, though!" He kissed her, slow and sweet, playfully catching her lip between his teeth. "Besides, the lacy number you had on the other night when I made you sit through that meeting while my come was dripping out of you didn't survive the night, remember."
"Jesus, Barnes, you're so strange. I really hope that kid isn't a perv. I'm running out of underwear as it is with you around." She giggled as he lifted her and spun her around, "What are you doing!"
"I was looking for the smile that melts my heart, and I think I found it. Shit, hang on, gonna burn dinner."
He turned back to the small stovetop, and she put her arms around him, resting her head on his back while he cooked. His tight muscles shifting with each move was strangely relaxing to her as she took a deep breath, replacing the lingering smells from the interrogation with those of home, of him.
"How much time have I got, Sarge? I need a shower."
"All the time in the world, beautiful. Actually, your bath is ready. I went with the bath thingy that literally said 'relax' on it, figured that was a safe bet." He turned his head enough to kiss her hair. "Go ahead in, Kitten, I'll bring you a nice big glass of wine in a second."
"You're the best, Bucky. Skip the wine, though, I've got a headache."
He moved the pan and turned to face her, cupping her cheeks and pressing their heads together. "Hey, are you okay?" He grabbed her hand and started to bring it up to kiss her knuckles, but she pulled away.
"Don't, I, uhm, my hands are a mess. I should go put something on them."
"I don't care, you know I don't care. You're my mess. I'll be in to wrap your hands in a few minutes, okay? What else can I do, Sweetheart?"
"I'm fine. I'm just, you know, tired. Plus the headache." She knew she was being too quiet, making him worry more. She took a long breath and hugged him. She wasn't ready to talk, so she needed to buy a little time.
"It was hotter than fuck all down there, and I was in no way prepared for that. I'm probably just dehydrated. You should have seen the place, an absolute shit hole. Sometimes I really worry about these old SHIELD locations. We should all get shots before going into them."
When she pulled back and looked at him again, she had her biggest, best smile plastered on her face, and it seemed to work. She didn't like hiding things from him, but the man had his own problems, his own worries, he didn't need to deal with hers, too.
He watched her walk out of the kitchen, thinking she was probably right. She needed some sleep, and she'd be fine in the morning.
She'd just about fallen asleep when Bucky slipped into the bathroom and sat on the floor next to the tub. He didn't say anything and didn't want to press her, only letting her know he was there for her. He gently bandaged her hands, kissing each knuckle when he was done.
When she got out, he wrapped her in a big robe that looked like it was stolen from some fancy hotel. He'd set up dinner in the bedroom so they could huddle together and watch a movie while they ate to avoid making her feel like she needed to talk before she was ready.
She poked at the food, only taking a few bites here and there. It wasn't that it didn't taste good, Bucky was surprisingly good in the kitchen. But everytime she'd go to take a bite she'd hear that voice again and feel like she was going to be sick.
He watched her zoning out, not once explaining or making comments about the movie they'd put on. Bucky cleared the plates and put away the leftovers without saying a word. He was terrified and he had no idea how to fix this. He walked back to the bedroom and leaned against the door frame, looking at her.
"Are you sure you don't want to talk?"
"Uhm, no, I'm just going to go to sleep. I think I'm getting a migraine. I'll be fine in the morning."
The line between his eyes deepened, "Do you need anything? Can I do anything?"
"You're not mad, right?" She was nervously picking at the bandages on her hand, not wanting to look up at him. She wanted to talk and tell him absolutely everything, but she wasn't ready. She wasn't sure he was ready for that either.
"What would I have to be mad about?"
"I just, I don't feel like messing around tonight."
He flashed her a half-smile and walked over to sit on the edge of the bed. "Kitten, I went a long ass time without sex. I think I'll survive. Now tell me what you need for your head, and I'll let you get some sleep, okay?"
What she needed for her head was a time machine or a vacuum that could suck out the screams and those faces she saw every time she closed her eyes.
She didn't want him to go. She also didn't think it would be a good idea if he stayed. Eventually, he was going to see through the facade and realize something was very wrong, then he'd confront her about it, and she'd probably just lie some more and say it was nothing. It was nothing. She was nothing. She swallowed hard and returned his smile. Faking her way through this wasn't new.
"I'll be fine."
"Okay," He hugged her and gently kissed her head, "I'm gonna sleep on the couch, okay? So just let me know if you need anything. I don't even care if it's to come fluff your pillow or get you a new ice pack for your hands. You're not alone, no one is mad at you, and you didn't do anything wrong, beautiful girl."
He started to head for the door, he wasn't even leaving the apartment, but she still felt alone. It was like a piece of her was missing, and she couldn't find a way to fill the void. She knew she should let him go. Then she could lock the door behind him and let the spiral take her. She didn't want to.
You're not alone.
"Bucky?" He turned back around, "Uhm, do you think... uhm, can you stay?" She caught the slightest twitch in his lip.
"Absolutely."
He found her a t-shirt to sleep in and made sure she was comfortable before he pulled her against him, holding her tight and humming to her as they fell asleep.
She pretended to be asleep when she felt Bucky start to move sometime before sunrise the next morning. She listened to him quietly move around the room, getting dressed, kissing her on the head, and heading out for an early morning session Sam and Steve had conned him into. Once the door shut, she counted to sixty.
She sat up and leaned against the headboard as she rubbed her eyes. She'd barely slept and was surprised she hadn't woken Bucky up with her nightmares. Clearly, she was better at hiding things than she'd even realized. She took a deep, shaky breath and picked up her phone to send a message to Sterns and make an appointment, but she noticed a new message from Nat. She opened the message and stared at the screen for what seemed like an eternity.
"FRIDAY, lockdown the room," She was going to be sick. She closed her eyes and the voice came back again.
Little Flower. How did he know that name? How did he know who she was?
"Affirmative." FRIDAY's voice made her jump, "You seem distressed. Would you like me to contact anyone?"
She wanted to wake up this morning and feel better. She wanted to forget everything that he'd put in her head yesterday. She wanted the screaming in her mind to stop, but she couldn't stop it, she couldn't concentrate or think. She wanted to run. She needed to hide.
"No," she said quietly as she crawled off the bed, sitting alone in the dark and waiting for it to swallow her.
"FRIDAY," she waited, trying to decide if this was a good idea, "please...let Bucky in. If he comes back."
***
"No! No, I don't get it, Sam. The whole premise is that they don't talk about what the movie is actually about?"
"No, man, it's...look, there's a guy, and he starts a fight club, okay?"
"You said that already! Repeating isn't helping. I'm not deaf." Bucky shook his head, "I hate you."
"I hate you more."
"Bucky, Sam, have either of you seen Sydney this morning?"
"Oh, thank god, Natasha, explain Fight Club to Bucky for me. His robot brain cannot compute," Sam sighed as she walked toward them. "Also, no. Haven't seen her."
"It's not my fault you're terrible at explaining movies," Bucky said under his breath before turning to Nat. "Yeah, this morning."
"Wait, you've been with me since like six this morning. How did you see—Gahhh" Sam's face contorted when the lightbulb finally clicked. "Oh, shit, right. Because you sleep with her now, I hate you so much more."
Bucky flipped him off and rolled his eyes. "Jealousy isn't a great look on you, Samuel." He turned back to Nat, "I mean, she was still sleeping, and I didn't want to wake her up. Why, something up?" He pulled out his phone to check and see if he had missed anything and found no messages or calls from her.
"Bas Novak, the asshole she kicked the shit out of yesterday? He was brought here and hour ago. I thought they were taking him straight to the Raft, but it turns out Rhodey and Stark wanted him here for more questioning. I texted her so she'd know, and she read it but hasn't responded. She's not answering her door, and I got worried. I tried the sensor, but she has me locked out." Nat sighed and pursed her lips.
Bucky tried to call Syd, but like Nat, there was no answer. He texted her, asking her to call him when she could. He ran a hand through his hair and looked at Nat nervously.
"Did anything happen last night after she got back?"
Bucky shrugged, "No, I mean, she was tired, so we just watched a movie." He replayed the previous night in his mind. "She didn't sleep well, but—FUCK! I should have stayed with her."
"Hey man, don't beat yourself up yet. Is she eating? Ya'll get nasty last night?" Bucky was just about ready to punch Sam for that. "Legit questions, man. I'm not being an asshole."
"She barely touched dinner." He turned to Nat, "What actually happened? What are you not telling me?"
"We don't know. Whatever it was, it wasn't anything we could see, we just know she didn't handle it well."
"Nat," Sam pushed, "How close was she to shutting down?"
"Too close."
"Shutting down? What the fuck are you two talking about?"
"She disassociates in a big way. PTSD, depression, and a whole list of other things bring it on, usually something from her past triggers it. We should call Sterns," Sam explained. He could tell that Bucky had no idea Syd fought some of the same demons he did. "Look, we know the warning signs with her. You don't yet. It doesn't happen often, and you'd have no way of knowing what to look for."
Bucky's head snapped to Nat, "What the fuck did he do to her? Tell me!"
"From what we saw? Not much. Lewd comments and not much more." Her eyes lowered, "We got her out of the room and she said she could see them, the victims. She said it was kids. She said she could feel what he had done to all of them. He called her something though, instead of setting her off though it was like she gave up instead, it was weird."
"What did he call her?"
"I don't remember, it's on the tapes, I'm sure."
Bucky's jaw ticked as he turned to walk away, but Nat grabbed his arm, "Let go, Nat." He could feel the heat of the rage inside of him. He wasn't here for her. He didn't protect her. He failed her.
"You can't touch him, Barnes."
"I'm gonna do a hell of a lot more than touch him. He hurt her. I'm gonna fucking kill him."
"That won't help her, Buck," Sam tried to reason with him, "and that's not you anymore."
"Maybe it should be! I should have been there!" His booming voice echoed down the hall, causing a few interns to poke their heads out of the offices to see what was happening.
"You need to calm down, go upstairs, and get into that room. You might be the only person she'll talk to. Hell, you might keep her from going too deep into herself or doing something stupid like you're about to go do."
"He's right. You killing that asshole isn't going to help," Nat agreed.
"I'll go get Sterns. Nat, get me the interrogation recordings, Sterns might need to see them." Sam turned to Bucky, "I have a feeling she's off her meds, that means it'll be worse. We can't let her shut down, Buck. We've had to hospitalize her before, and last time it was for a damn month. Don't ask me why. I don't know the whole story, and I'm not sure anyone here does. Maybe she'll open up to you."
"Why wouldn't she—?"
"Hey man, don't take it personally. I'm sure she would have told you eventually, but probably thought it would freak you out or something." Sam put a hand on Bucky's shoulder, "She can tell what we're feeling, and that makes it a whole lot easier for her to hide what she's feeling. Talk to her, be there for her. It's a lot better than killing the guy, for both of you."
Bucky couldn't understand why she'd keep that from him, why she'd keep all of this from him. She knew so much about his life and problems, and he realized he didn't know much about her past. He'd asked, but she always deflected. He should have pressed harder to find out what was bothering her last night. Hell, he didn't even know she was on medication or what she was seeing Sterns for.
"Shit. I'm such an asshole."
"Yeah, but we already knew that. Okay, Bucky, check her room and see if you can get in. I'll have FRIDAY notify you both once I get through to Sterns." Sam started to walk away, then turned back to Bucky, "It's not your fault, Buck. Go slow. If you can, make sure she's taking her meds."
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