❝wondering if i dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life❞
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
"Ella Swift, if you do not come downstairs right now, I swear I --" Abby shouted for the third time, calling the teenager downstairs.
"Okay, okay. Chill, I'm here," Ella rushed downstairs, grumbling on her way, as she turned the corner and made her way to the kitchen.
"You don't need to yell." The blonde teen murmured under her breath, annoyed that Abby had woken her up from her nap.
"What was that?" Abby challenged, looking over at the younger girl, who didn't say anything, but rather looked down at her empty plate. Sighing, Abby pulled the chicken Alfredo from the oven with Taylor's cat-shaped oven mitts, ensuring that the top was nice and crispy before bringing it to the table.
"Since Taylor won't be back for a couple more hours, I thought I would make dinner so we wouldn't eat out, again," Abby explained to Ella, who just nodded silently. Taylor had been exceptionally busy since they had returned from the Denver shows. She was going on three days of back-to-back meetings since returning and while Abby was great company, Ella wanted Taylor to be there too. However, not having Taylor there did mean that she was able to maintain her diet more strictly though, which was an added bonus. Ella had gotten lucky since being with her sister in that the foods they were eating weren't too calorie dense. However, it seemed like her luck had ran out tonight, because she was face-to-face with one of her fear foods: pasta.
"This looks great, Abby. Thank you," Ella told the older girl, ignoring the racing thoughts in her head, reminding her that the meal would be way above her intake limit. As a way to plead with the thoughts, she silently promised herself she would throw up after, but needed to get through the meal first.
As the two began eating, Ella felt herself begin to zone out, focused only on the task at hand: eat enough food now and worry about it later. She began to play with her food, moving it around her plate with her fork, taking bites every so often. She didn't even notice Abby watching her and did not bat an eye when Abby called her name.
✮
Abby looked up expectantly, waiting for Ella's answer to the question she had asked. When the younger girl didn't respond, she called her name again, with no luck. She looked over at the teenager, who at first glance looked completely normal. However, Abby had known Ella long enough to recognize different things about her, one being when she was completely zoned out. The younger girl was staring intently at her plate, using her fork to move around the pieces of pasta and chicken, without eating any of them. Every so often, she would bring a piece to her mouth and chew for what seemed like forever, before repeating the cycle. Abby watched her as she ate slowly, completely unaware of what was going on around her, as thoughts began rushing through her head and tears welled up in the older girl's eyes. She had a sneaking suspicion that Ella was struggling with eating, ever since seeing her in the dressing room before Taylor's show and was going to bring it up to her best friend, but didn't know how. However, seeing it now, in the flesh, was a completely different ballgame.
Abby couldn't be positive, for sure, though. She needed to ask Ella and talk to Taylor before making any assumptions. Maybe it was a bad day or she was still fully waking up from her nap. So, she called Ella's name once more and placed a gentle arm on hers, pulling Ella out of the trance she was in.
"Sorry, I am still just so tired, what did you say?" Ella lied, as she looked up, completely startled by Abby. She brought another bite of pasta to her mouth and chewed, allowing the flavors to mix completely. She looked down at her plate. Only half left.
"I asked if you were doing okay," Abby reiterated, meeting Ella's eyes with a warm expression. Abby maintained her calm façade, but internally, she could practically explode as she bounced her leg under the table.
"Oh yeah, I'm fine, Abs. Still exhausted from my nap," Ella laughed as she felt her palms get sweaty. Abby looked at her with an unreadable expression on her face, not quite believing her. The bright, red flags were everywhere, and she had simply been too blind to notice them.
"Did you not like the Alfredo?" The older woman asked Ella a few minutes later, after Ella had not made any further progress with her meal.
"No, the Alfredo was amazing! I'm still just full from lunch and my stomach hurts a bit," Ella explained to her sister's best friend. "Will you excuse me? I need to use the restroom," She finished, before getting up, leaving Abby at the table alone.
If her suspicions weren't confirmed by then, they were definitely confirmed with that statement. Abby felt her heart beat quickly in her chest as she felt tears rush to the surface.
"I'm still full from lunch"
December 2014
"Taylor, are you okay?" Abby asked her best friend, who was unusually quiet. Abby was sitting on the couch, Meredith at her feet, as she used her toes to gently pet the cat. She peered over to see what Taylor was looking at so intently on her phone and wasn't surprised to see it was a picture of herself, that the paparazzi had taken that morning.
"Okay, what's going on? You've been staring at those pictures for ten minutes now," Abby responded a few minutes later, after realizing that Taylor wasn't going to stop anytime soon. After being ignored again, Abby reached over and locked her best friend's phone, which grabbed her attention instantly.
"Hey! That wasn't nice," Taylor emphasized, swatting Abby's hand away as she quickly put in her passcode and opened up the Twitter application again, resuming her self-stalking. The blonde singer zoomed into the picture, focusing on various parts on her body. First, she would zoom into her legs and then her midriff and so forth. This process would then repeat for every single picture in the paparazzi-taken album that was posted on the account.
"Tay, this hyper-analyzing thing you're doing can't be good for you, babe," Abby reminded her friend gently as she saw Taylor's eyes well with tears, before the singer turned to look at her.
"Be honest, Abby. Do you think I'm fat?" Taylor felt a few tears escape her eyes, as they made their way down her face. Taylor hated how the paparazzi had stripped away any form of privacy she had. Everything had to become a spectacle, even something as simple as getting food from a street vendor, which was what she was doing when said pictures were snapped. It was like she was the shell of a person who did not deserve humanity.
"Taylor, what are you talking about?" Abby asked her friend, completely gobsmacked by the question. Of course Taylor wasn't fat. She was far from it and Abby couldn't believe the question her friend was asking. Abigail felt a rage deep within her at the thought of someone causing her person so much pain.
"No, Taylor. Of course not, honey. Where's this coming from?" Abby inquired, seriously worried for her best friend as she turned to direct her attention fully on her.
"But look," Taylor exclaimed, shoving the phone in Abby's face. The picture, taken at a horrible angle, made Taylor look much different than she truly looked. Nonetheless, people shouldn't inquire on an individual's body no matter their shape or size, but sadly that is just not the way the cookie crumbles. One look at the comments, and Abby knew exactly where the doubts were coming from. People were mean. Cruel was an understatement.
"Taylor, look at me. You are in no way, shape, or form fat. These lowlife scumbags have nothing better to do than hide behind a nameless account and bully successful women. It's what they do," Abby tried to reassure her friend, but it was no use as the tears continued to fall down Taylor's face.
"I hate myself," Taylor sobbed, as she dropped her head into Abby's lap and allowed the cries to take over her body completely. She continued to read through the comments when she felt her phone being lifted from her hands and before she could turn around and protest, it was handed back to her, with a small adjustment. Abby had logged out of Twitter and deleted the app. She knew that it would be a matter of hours before Taylor got the password from her publicist again, but for the time being, she wanted to help her friend and this seemed to be the only way how.
Taylor wasn't even fazed as she continued to cry, burying her face into the soft material of Abby's leggings, as her friend ran her fingers through her hair and gently spoke to her until she fell asleep from exhaustion.
✮
Throughout the following days, Taylor's mood wasn't much better, as she mainly kept to herself. Abby came and checked on her once a day, staying for a few hours every time, deeply worried about her best friend. One chilly Sunday, she had brought over a pot roast she had made and decided to eat with Taylor, to check on her best friend and keep her company at the same time.
As the two sat at the kitchen nook silently eating, Abigail noticed Taylor shifting her food, separating it into different piles, on each side of the bowl, over and over again.
"You okay, Tay?" Abby asked, curiously. She was very concerned for her friend, who was keeping all of her emotions inside.
"Yeah, I'm good. Just a lot on my mind," Taylor sounded, refusing to make eye contact with Abby and instead making intense contact with the food, as she adjusted the sleeves of her hoodie.
"Anything I can help with?" Abby asked, desperate to aid her friend, to which the blonde just shook her head.
Abby ran a hand through her locks as she ate a mouthful from her own bowl, carefully keeping an eye on Taylor. She had a few hypotheses and a sneaking suspicion, but nothing had been confirmed and she knew that now was not the proper time to confront her friend about it.
A few minutes later, Abby looked over at Taylor's bowl, the contents of it still being tossed and turned. "Are you not hungry?"
"I'm still full from lunch. But this was great, thank you," Taylor flashed her award-winning smile at the red-headed girl, before getting up from the table and taking her bowl to the trashcan, emptying the contents prior to excusing herself for a moment. For most people, that would have worked. But Taylor wasn't dealing with most people. Abby was her best friend and knew her like the back of her own hand.
✮
Abby stood up from the table, as she walked towards the stairs to go talk to Ella. She had been in this exact place with Taylor, nearly a decade prior, and couldn't believe that the teenager that she cared so deeply for was struggling just the same as her sister was, so long ago.
As Abby approached Ella's room, she noticed the door slightly ajar and the light turned off. She knocked once before pushing the door open further, allowing herself to enter the room. The room was dark and the younger girl was nowhere to be found. The only light in the room came from beneath the door of the en suite bathroom. Abby turned to leave the bedroom, knowing that Ella would be down in a few moments. As she began walking out, a certain sound caught her attention.
Specifically, a sound from the bathroom. Quietly, Abby walked to the wooden door, moving her curls aside as she placed a gentle ear against it, for hopes of better hearing. She felt her heart race as she prayed that she had heard the sound incorrectly. Her shaky hands held onto the doorframe and seconds later, she heard the noises emitting from the bathroom again, confirming her worst fears.
✮
Ella felt her breathing grow uneven as she looked down at her pasta dish, still half-full. The pasta was delicious, but every bite Ella took felt as though it was a step back from her end goal. Suddenly, she felt helpless and amongst the many racing thoughts in her mind, one thing was clear: she needed to rid her body of the food . . . immediately. As Ella racked her mind thinking of an excuse to give Abby, she presented a lame excuse that she wasn't even sure Abby bought and rushed upstairs, before shaky breaths turned into a full-blown panic attack.
Ella thought she was careful as she closed her door, not realizing in her panicked state it didn't shut all the way, as she swiftly made her way to the bathroom, ensuring the door was locked before rushing to the toilet and lifting the seat up. Through tears, she positioned herself in the stance that was quickly becoming familiar and allowed her body to do the rest.
Ella stood up, flushed the toilet, and washed her hands and face, trying her best to remove any sign of her red-rimmed, swollen eyes. She brushed her teeth, twice, as she attempted to rid her mouth of the bitter aftertaste of vomit. Checking herself one last time, Ella popped a piece of gum in her mouth as she unlocked the door and walked out. The last thing the young girl expected was the sight before her eyes and her biggest fears were quickly coming true.
✮
"Oh, my sweet girl." Abby let out a sob at the sight of Ella upon exiting the bathroom. The blonde was shellshocked, her mouth wide open, as she remained in place, unable to move. Ella felt herself grow nauseous and dizzy, as her heart began to race faster than it ever had. Tears that had been previously wiped away quickly made their reappearance, as she let out a croak.
Abby did not look much better. The older woman had tears freely streaming down her face, her cheeks stained black from her mascara. Of the many thoughts circulating her brain, one was consistent: Why was Ella hurting herself?
Once Ella walked out of the restroom, Abby felt winded as she looked at the younger girl. Suddenly, it all made sense. The rapid weight loss, the excuses around meal time, the hyper fixedness on healthy eating, the overexercising. It was as clear as day and she couldn't believe she hadn't seen it sooner. She couldn't believe Taylor hadn't seen it sooner. How was she going to tell her best friend? Nothing else mattered in the moment, though. Nothing mattered other than the hurt child standing in front of her, looking as small and fragile as the first time she met her, in the hospital room, when Abby was sixteen years old.
"Ella, why?" Abby asked gently, her heart breaking more and more each and every single passing moment as Ella backed away from her. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed the younger girl stumble over her own feet and raced to her before she could fall, grabbing her under her arms and guiding her to her bed.
Sitting on the bed, Ella felt even more lightheaded and dizzy than she had moments earlier. As her mind raced through a million excuses, she knew that Abby wouldn't buy any of them. If she was lucky, Abby didn't hear her throwing up. But by the look on her face, she knew no such wish would be granted today. Ella knew she had to do something -- anything -- to keep her from telling Taylor. Nothing else mattered.
"Please talk to me, Ella Bella. It's me," Abby pleaded softly, placing her hand on Ella's forearm, lovingly. Ella sat criss-cross on the bed, as she stared at the floral comforter, picking at loose strings. Abby faced her while she tried to comfort her, but in shock herself. A few moments passed as both girls remained silent; Abby staring at Ella and Ella staring at her blanket. Ella was trying to think of what she wanted to say, wondering how they had gotten to this moment in time. The secret she had worked so hard to keep was destroyed with a few careless actions in a matter of seconds.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, Ella whispered, "I'm sorry."
"Oh, Ella. My beautiful, sweet, kind Ella," Abby moved forward, pulling the younger girl into a tight hug. Ella tensed at first but within moments, she felt her body begin to relax as she fell into the hug, feeling the emotions she was bottling up begin to release themselves.
The hug lasted a few minutes and eventually, it was Ella who pulled away. Abby looked at the child whom she considered a sister, blue meeting blue. "Ella, how long have you been doing this? And why?"
Ella knew it was now or never. Even through her emotional state, she knew that if there was any chance her entire plan would not be ruined it would be due to what she said now. "Abby, I'm sorry. I swear, this was the first time. And I hated it so much. I will never do it again," Ella responded, refusing to make eye contact with the red-head. And while she didn't necessarily enjoy the feeling of her food returning up and out the same way it went down, it most certainly was not her first time and she definitely had plans to do it again. But Abby didn't need to know that.
"Ella, why?" Abby pressed again, her blue orbs bright as the edges of her eyes turned red from crying. Abby's heart was racing at these new revelations, as she tried to stay calm for the sake of the younger girl sitting in front of her.
"I'm not even sure. Partly because of the things I saw online and partly because of my own self-image. There's not one reason. But it was stupid, and I'm so sorry Babi. I'm sorry," Ella felt herself weaken as she placed her head on Abby's shoulder. She cared so deeply for Abby and loved her like she loved Taylor. Feeling as though one are letting down their loved ones is never a good feeling and Abby was definitely a loved one.
"Ella, you never have to apologize for your feelings, my love. Never. I'm trying to find the right words, but there is nothing I can say right now that can make this feeling better and when you want to talk, we can talk." And that they did; the two sat there, Ella in Abby's arms, tears streaming down Ella's face as Abby comforted her, whispering sweet nothings, allowing the younger girl the space to work through this difficult time.
"You know I'm gonna have to tell Tay, right?" Abby whispered, breaking the silence, as her fingers traced circles on Ella's arm. Ella's head, which was placed on Abby's chest shot up immediately, the fear evident in her voice and eyes as she looked at the red-head.
"No, Abby. Taylor can't know. Please Abby. Please don't tell her. Abby, please," Ella begged, her voice thick with tears as she let out a sob, covering her mouth. The younger girl was now frantic at the thought of her older sister finding out. She would make her go to therapy or a treatment center and Ella couldn't do that. She wouldn't.
"Ella, please don't ask me to do this," Abby whispered, staring at the blonde, different scenarios and thoughts rushing through her head. She needed to tell Taylor, right? Ella was her baby sister. She needed to know.
"Abby, I swear. This was a one time thing. I swear on my life. I am never gonna do it again. If you tell Taylor, she's gonna overly worry, you know how she is. She's gonna become more overprotective and it's gonna eat her up and mess up her tour. If not for me, don't tell her for her," Ella tried to reason, appealing to what she believed was logic. Of course, she would continue to purge as she found fit, but Abby needn't know that. Her only mission goal was to keep her little secret a secret. She knew the older woman was starting to shift when she remained silent and Ella took it as a time to beg again, pleading with her to keep her secret.
"I'll do anything, Abby. Anything. What do you need me to prove? Please don't tell Tay. I'll destroy her. I can't tell her that I felt self-conscious because of stuff her fans were saying. That'll break her. I can't do that -- she's at the height of her career. She's headlining her biggest tour and is about to release her movie and is breaking records every day. The empire she has built will come crashing down. Do this for her. It was a one time thing and I already regret it and am getting better. Please, Babi?"
Internally, Abby was fighting with two sides of her brain. One side told her that she needed to tell Taylor, immediately. This was serious and they needed to get Ella help, before things progressed. The other side understood where Ella was coming from. Sometimes, recovery was harder when you felt like a deer in the headlights. Not to mention that if Taylor did find out it was her fans bullying Ella, it would truly destroy her. Ella was right -- Taylor was at the peak of her career thus far and this would impact her tremendously. As she weighed her options, Ella's relentless begging grew stronger and stronger and without even realizing it, Abby opened her mouth.
"Okay, Ella. I won't tell Tay for now. But, I will be watching you. You are going to talk to me and send pictures of the foods you eat. And don't you dare lie, Ella Marjorie Willow Swift. If I even think you are lying or not getting better, I will tell your sister, brother, mother, and father. And that's a promise," Abby answered, the younger girl nodding frantically, as more tears streamed down her face. Abby sighed wiping away tears of her own, as she took in the sight before her and the promise she had just made: did she just make the biggest mistake of her life or was she helping out two people she cared deeply for?
-
There you have it! Somebody knows Ella's secret! I put it all in one chapter as a thank you for being so awesome! <3
Happy [late] Thanksgiving to my American friends! And happy Friday to everyone! As always, if you have any thoughts, opinions, or ideas, comment away! I love to read them!
Next Update: December 1