Varis's warning is on constant repeat in my mind. Over and over I can hear his words and see his expression. I can hear his laugh at the idea that he would take me home, like it had been hilarious to him for me to even think it was a possibility.
There was no going home. I belonged to them.
He would make me disappear. That is what he had promised.
Every moment I was aware of everyone around me.
"Miss," I wince as Lyari calls my name softly. "You're all dressed now." She smiles at my reflection in the mirror.
I try and clear my head and smile at her.
"Thank you."
I make my way to breakfast, as I sit and watch the other girls talking to each other about the ball tonight. I force a smile on my face as the food is served.
I feel sick. I can see Varis in the room, watching me. I know he isn't there, but there are so many servants, the Mistress, anyone of them could be watching me.
Fynley sits next to me, her curly blonde hair pulled away from her face and hanging down the back of her pale dress. "Morning Daella, excited for the ball?" She asks reaching for the porridge.
"Of course, are you?" I return with a smile.
She nods, reaching for the sugar and scooping in spoonful's onto the small mound. "I saw my dress for tonight, it's very beautiful. I still don't understand why we have to have a different dress for every event. Or why we don't share the dresses." She says softly.
I can honestly say I hadn't given it much thought. She was right though, why didn't we share dresses, we were all similar sizes, what happened to the dresses we wore after?
I couldn't think about that, not here and now. I reach for a piece of toast.
"I'm sure you will look beautiful." I comment, dipping my knife into the butter.
She let's out a small sigh. "We are all always beautiful, just like everything here." She stirs milk into her porridge. "I didn't think having so much beauty around you constantly would make you miss the ordinary."
"What do you mean?" I ask quietly.
She turns to me, then looks behind me at the Mistress and smiles.
"Just those places that aren't our homes anymore were not as beautiful as the fae kingdom, but something about them felt more real." She turns back to her bowl of porridge. I hadn't spoken to Fynley much at all. All I really knew about her was that she had a beautiful singing voice, she was always called upon to sing in the music lessons we went to.
I don't know what to say. Was she trying to tell me something important? I set my buttered toast down while she picks up her tea cup and sips at it delicately, looking ahead over the rim of the cup.
"Still, we are blessed to be given this life of beauty, even if it feels more like a dream then reality, only not all of us know it is not a dream." She looks at me for a moment before setting down her cup and smiling at Isbeth on the other side of the table. "Isbeth, have you seen your gown for tonight?" She asks.
I tune out their conversation as Fynley's words play in my mind.
She had compared this life to a dream, is that how she truly felt? That she missed her real life? Was she trying to tell me she understood, that she felt the same way as I did, only she was so much better at hiding it.
Maybe it was advice. That I needed to be better at acting, that I needed to go along with this dream.
I needed to talk to her alone.
As soon as the afternoon lesson is finished I find Fynley talking with Renja and Millie.
"Fynley, I was wondering if you would like to go for a walk in the gardens with me before we need to get ready for the ball tonight?"
She smiles at me and nods. "It does look like a beautiful day outside, would you ladies like to join us?" She asks looking at the other girls.
"No, I am joining the other girls to draw." Millie smiles before following the girls out of the room.
"Renja?" She asks with a smile.
"Not today, I might have a rest before all that dancing tonight." She smiles at both of us before following out the other girls.
"Well I guess it's just the two of us." Fynley smiles at me.
Two guards follow us out to the gardens as we follow the paved paths, glancing at the different flowers in bloom.
"I was right, it is a beautiful day today." Fynley smiles, her face up to the sun. "Spring is definitely my favourite time of year. What about you Daella?"
"Autumn."
"Yes, autumn is quite beautiful as well, all those coloured leaves and the sun showers."
I glance over my shoulder noticing the guards at a distance.
"I wonder if the fae put on plays in the city centre?" She asks, stopping to look at a flower. "I remember watching them as a child during the spring and summer, the different characters with their costumes and painted faces." She smiles.
"My village didn't put any on, but there was a travelling group that came through a couple times." I reply not sure why she is talking about plays right now.
She nods. "I always thought it must be so hard to remember all those lines, each different person, pretending to be someone else, they would have to remember how to move and sit and stand and look and act like a completely different person. It must be tiring."
"Yes, I'm sure it would be exhausting."
"Of course, there were always some actors who were better than others. They would study their lines and fall into their character so when they were on the stage and performing no one would know any different. I guess that is what made them so good. That you could almost believe they were the character." She smiles at me, her words becoming clearer in my head.
"I always thought I would make a terrible actor, it seemed like a terrible way to spend ones time constantly pretending to be someone else just to get paid a few coins." I reply as we start walking again.
"Well it wouldn't just be a few coins, it would be their very lively hood, without the stage and the money they made they would likely be cast out to the streets without a roof over their heads. While some of them might be naturally more gifted at acting then others, that doesn't mean someone couldn't become better by watching those around him, learning from the others." She runs her hands over the leaves of the shrub in front of her. "Still, acting would not be something I would ever want to choose. No, lucky for us we have been chosen to live here with the fae, surrounded by beauty."
"Yes, we have been blessed." I agree with a small smile.
"Perhaps we should be getting back inside now, we want to look our best for the ball tonight." She says, looping her arm through mine before turning and walking back to the palace. The guards wait for us to pass before following us.
Fynley talks about the ball, her excitement for the dancing, wondering who will be there, which of the High Lords will ask her to dance. I listen, agreeing with her quietly and smiling along.
As I walk towards the grand ball room with the other chosen I remind myself over and over that all I had to do was learn from the others. I could be like they were, I could smile and dance and talk with the guests.
Varis would be there, so would the Mistress.
I couldn't afford to let my mask fall. I would stand on their stage and play my part for the audience.
With the smile on my face and my hands in front of me I walk in line with the other girls into the grand ball room.
I look straight ahead, smiling as we are welcomed and stopping before the dais.
As the King welcomes his guests as usual I stop myself from looking at the Princes. They would only be a distraction. I couldn't allow myself to slip tonight. It was too easy around Alvaryn and Aeris to forget that I needed to pretend. It was too easy to just be myself around them and that was a dangerous problem.
The King announces that his sons will lead the first dance and I watch as they walk off the dais and make their way to the floor.
"Good evening Daella." I recognize Alvaryn's voice as he comes to stand in front of me. "Can I have this dance?" he asks holding out his hand.
I curtsy and smile, nodding as I take his hand.
We move onto the dance floor, his brothers with their partners. I see Isbeth with Demwyn and Renja with Aeris. I try and focus on Alvaryn and force a small smile to my face as I look up at him.
The music begins and we move in time.
"I haven't seen you at the library." He breaks our silence and I force my smile to stay in place.
"I already returned the books I had and took some others." I reply.
"Which ones did you borrow?"
I list the titles and he smiles.
"You truly do enjoy adventure."
"The heart wants what the heart wants." I reply before I can stop myself.
"Does that mean you want to have a real adventure? Go travelling over mountains and discover new lands?" He asks, still smiling down at me as we move around the room. Others join in the dance, couples filling in around us.
This time I am able to think before I blurt out my answer. "It is much safer to read about adventures, than experience them."
"Isn't that part of going on an adventure, the element of danger and risk all bundled up into one exciting package?" He replies quickly.
"Yes, it would not be an adventure without those elements, which is why I am smarter to only read them and dream about them, instead of wishing I could experience one in this life." Again, I find my words coming out before I let myself think about them, why did he have this effect on me?
"You are probably right about being smarter, the last time I went on an adventure with my brothers we ended up getting lost and stranded in the woods for five days until we finally managed to find our ways out." He laughs and I find myself genuinely smiling back.
"Well at least you had your brothers with you." I reply. The music slows, coming to an end as the dance finishes and we take a step back.
I curtsy. "Thank you for the dance Your Highness."
"Thank you, the next time I plan on going on an adventure I will have to let you know." He smiles and I smile back nodding as Aeris steps up beside Alvaryn smiling at me.
"May I have the next dance?" He asks, holding out his hand.
"Of course Your Highness." I smile, taking his hand. At least he appeared sober tonight.
"Are you planning on running away with my brother?" Aeris asks, placing his hand at my waist.
"No." I answer quickly.
"But you are going on an adventure with him?" He asks, tilting his head in that way if his.
"No, he was just joking."
"I wouldn't blame you, it does get rather boring around here, especially considering your not allowed outside the palace walls, or anywhere without an escort. How do you manage to not go insane?" He teases, spinning me around until I face him again.
"I'm not sure what you mean Prince Aeris, the palace is very beautiful and I am lucky to be living here safe within the Palace walls." I reply, my feet stepping in time to the music.
"Where has fun Daella gone?" he snorts. "You sound like all the other chosen."
Good, I think to myself, smiling up at him.
"I'm just expressing my gratitude at being a chosen."
"Of course, and while you continue to express your gratitude for being a chosen will you tell me, if you are so happy at being here, why you were crying in the gardens yesterday?" He asks.
"I'm surprised you remember seeing me at all." I snap back quickly, immediately regretting it as he smiles back at me.
"There she is, that sharp tongue of yours. Do you speak to anyone else like this, or is it just me that brings out that fire within?" He asks, leaning in closer as we move with the music.
"No, I'm usually much better at keeping my sharp tongue to myself, there is just something about you that makes it impossible to do." I reply, feeling my anger rise within. It is the same, the way whenever I am near him I just spoke exactly what I was thinking and feeling. This is dangerous. I couldn't let this happen. Varis could be watching me right now.
"Well I for one enjoy this Daella much better than the other one." He replies, spinning me around.
"Well this Daella does not belong here, and constantly trying to goad my temper just makes everything worse." I whisper angrily, then take a breath and smile again, eyes wandering around me, searching for his watching eyes. They could be anyone.
"I disagree, this Daella, the true Daella, is much more fun to be around. Why would you want to pretend to be like all the other chosen?" He asks, stepping up closer to her.
I am lost for a moment in the depth of his near black eyes wondering if he was telling the truth, did he really like the real me? Was that why I never felt like I had to pretend when I was around him? I thought maybe it was because he was almost always drunk, or half way drunk, and wouldn't remember anyways.
"While you might think that, I would rather pretend to be someone else then lose my life." I step back, curtsying as the song comes to an end.
"Thank you for the dance your highness." I smile before turning and weaving my way through the crowd of dancers.
I know I can't go too far. I see Fynley dancing with a High Lord whose name I couldn't remember, another thing I needed to work on.
This is just a play, with my costume on and my face painted, I needed to remember my lines and keep the smile on my face so that those who watched would see the character they wanted to see, not the person hiding underneath.