Lily.
The birds are chirping, and sunlight is filtering through the open blinds; I point my feet down, and I distend my arms above my head stretching my whole body. I feel weirdly warm, and when I look down at my torso, I immediately know why; Jesse is holding his arm around me, and I can feel his body against my own. I am almost naked; my breasts are on display, and the only other item of clothing I am wearing is my mauve thong. I have this urge to scream in sheer panic, but I fight it back as I lift his arm and let it drop on the mattress and I slip out of the room quietly. I am trying to remember what has happened last night, but my memory is clouded. I recall him grabbing my ass before I left, and my breath getting caught in my throat at how he boldly claimed my body. That was a behaviour I had always despised because it undermines women's worth, but Jay...oof, Jay could have done anything if it meant he would continue to look at me with those mischievous green eyes and touch me with those knowing hands. I know we met at the club, but, by then, I had had already a bunch of cocktails and a few shots so God knows what happened. I get to the kitchen, and the air is knocked out of my lungs when I see our clothes scattered across the room. My shorts are lying on the coffee table and my top is on the sink while Jay's shirt is hanging on the television and his trousers are close to the door. I see one of my heels near the couch, but I can't find the other. Then, like a lightening tearing a peaceful, starry night, bits and pieces of the night before start resurfacing. I remember straddling him, and then Sam came but I was with him only for a little while because Jay forced me in a cab and took me home. I whip my head back to the couch and I see Jay leaning back on the sofa as I give him a sexy lap dance, which was everything but sexy, before removing my top and forcing him to touch me. This cannot be happening. I assaulted my best friend. I fucking assaulted my best friend. Air is not filling my lungs anymore, and oxygen fails to reach my cells as I force myself to breathe faster, but that doesn't help. My palms are sweaty, and I feel my heart thumping so hard against my rib cage that it hurts. I run to my room, throwing on whatever I can find before grabbing few essentials and fleeing the scene like the coward I am.
I start driving and I don't even know where I am going, my head exploding with terrible thoughts forming every seconds. I grip the steering wheel until my knuckles are white, and I let a single sob escape. As I am waiting at a red light, I press the call button on the car's display, and I try to regulate my breathing as it rings.
"What the fuck, mate?" I have just woken up my very drunk best friend who was having the first lie in in three weeks, and she isn't happy. I hear her cursing under her breath as her phone falls with a loud thud to the ground and Nick groans next to her.
"I assaulted someone," I blurt out.
"What?"
"I assaulted someone, Amelia," I shout, not in charge of my emotions anymore.
"What do you mean assaulted? You kicked someone's ass?"
"Nope," I shrill, "I got naked yesterday, and I forced your brother to touch my breasts. God knows what else I did!"
"What?" she shrieks, fully awake this time, "come to mine, now."
I drive around our neighbourhood, and I park near Millie's unit. When I get out of my car, she is already at her door, barefoot and only wearing Nick's shirt from the day before. I run inside and I throw myself on the couch before screaming into a pillow and pressing it harder to my face.
"Tell me everything, Lil."
I cock my head to the side to look at her, but then I realise I cannot tell her what happened and look her in the eyes at the same time. Yes, she is my best friend, but Jesse is her brother, so I hide my face under the pillow again before finding the courage to speak. "I don't remember much; I was fucking wasted Mill. I do remember him taking me home, though...and I gave him a lap dance."
"What?" she tries hard not to snort, but I can still hear it in her voice.
"Yep. I was swinging my hips and grinding against him. Oh, but that's not the funny part. Nope. As I was straddling him, I took off my top and forced his hands on my breasts."
She drops her head down, hiding her face behind her hands as she presses her lips tight against one another not to laugh in my face.
"Are you sure he didn't want that?"
"Of course not, Amelia. He's my fucking best friend!"
She clears her throat and regains some composure, "and then?"
"I don't remember," I whine stomping my feet on the smooth fabric of her couch.
"Where were you this morning?"
"In his bed."
"In his bed?" she repeats in a high-pitched voice.
I scratch the side of my head not looking at her anymore, "I was almost naked in his bed. We were just wearing our underwear."
"Did you have sex?"
As the words leave Millie's swollen lips, a part of me wants to puke at the mere thought of fucking my best friend while the other ignites, spreading warmth to my every cell as I picture his sweaty and sticky body against mine.
"Yes. No. I don't know, Millie. I ran out of there as soon as I saw the mess we had made."
"Lilith," she sighs, "you need to march back home and talk to Jesse about this."
"What if he didn't want this to happen? What if this has ruined our relationship forever?"
She forcefully pulls the pillow away from my face, "unfortunately, that is something you need to face, hun. But I promise, I will be here for you."
My eyes meet her soft hazel ones, "I don't want to lose him, Millie; he's been the biggest blessing in my life. I can't imagine not being able to talk to him anymore, not hanging out with him, missing his stories and our house not being our safe heaven anymore. Romance and sex are not worth losing him."
"Then go home and make this right."
Jesse.
My brain wakes up quicker than my body, urging me to pull the naked girl next to me closer. I long for her luscious lips, and my fingers crave her soft skin, but when I open my eyes, Lily is not in my bed anymore. I shoot up, untangling the sheets around my waist and legs before calling her name.
"Lily?" my voice echoes in what seems an empty house. "Lily!" I try again, but I am met with silence again. I jump out of the bed and make my way to the kitchen, checking her room and the bathroom as I go; she is not in either. When I reach the kitchen, nobody is there but the evidence of our almost wild night is still here. The clothes that we carelessly tossed yesterday are still lying on the furniture and my shoes are peeking out from underneath the couch. I drop on one of the chairs, my hands now supporting my heavy head. This is not what I had imagined or planned; we were going to wake up today, and I was going to be extra sweet and romantic, doing breakfast in bed and cuddles before finally confessing that I felt something for her. I wasn't able to give this feeling a name yet, but I was hoping she felt the same and we could explore it together. However, the reality is that she woke up this morning, freaked out because she was naked in bed with her best friend and ran out when she saw the mess in this room because she was drunk, and she probably now believes I took advantage of her.
Fuck.
My head is spinning, and I want to hit it against the wall to shut the voices that keep reminding me of how disgusted she must have felt to flee. Before I know it, my finger is pressing Tristan's name on the display and the ringing fills the room, but he doesn't answer so I type a text as fast as I can.
"Code fucking red."
Not even a minute later, he is calling me.
"What?" he snaps as I accept the call.
"I made a huge mistake," I confess with a shaky voice.
"Is Lily alright?"
"I don't know."
He interjects, shouting at the top of his lungs, "what do you mean you don't know?"
I sigh, "we came home yesterday, and we were so fucking close to have sex but then she reminded me she was wasted so I stopped, but we still slept in my bed. Just sleep. When I woke up this morning, she was gone. She must have seen the clothes in the kitchen and her naked body pressed against mine, and she must have thought I forced myself on her. My goodness, she must be freaking out."
"These are all details I didn't want to hear about my baby sister, thank you very much."
"T, she hasn't texted; she is not in her room, and" I look out of the window onto the car park, "her car is not here. What if she is lost? Or hurt? She must still be hangover, Tristan."
"Have you checked with Amelia?"
"No?"
"So, you called me before her best friend?" he scoffs, "she may be there. Chill, man."
"First, I am her best friend so get your facts straight, man. Second, I haven't called my sister because she would tear me a new one, and, honestly, she scares me a little bit. But also, I called you wanker because I am terrified of losing her. Tristan, romance and sex are not worth losing her. She is the best thing that has ever happened in my life; she has been the light that has guided me through all my dark paths. She makes my world brighter, and she is the reason I am always competing against myself to be better, to be better for her because she deserves the world. I can't lose her, Tristan."
I can feel my eyes watering, so I clench my jaw and lift my gaze to the ceiling to stop the tears from spilling.
"Jay, I am sure she is fine, and you won't lose her over this. She may have freaked out because she couldn't remember what happen and she was scared she had done something inappropriate. I know my sister, and this is the most likely scenario. She loves you to death, she would never wish for you not to be part of her life, you have to believe me."
"What if you're wrong?"
But before Tristan can add anything, I hear a key turning into the lock, and it can only be her. "Sorry, gotta go. Bye. Thank you," I mumble as the door swings open, and Lily's small frame appears from behind it. She keeps her head low, never even glancing in my direction as she steps in.
"Love," I whisper softly and her head whips towards me revealing her sapphires hiding behind a veil of unshed tears. In one stride, I am in front of her, reaching for her hand, but she stumbles backwords, hitting the back of her head against the door. She is beside herself, and I have never ever seen her like this.
She must be disgusted by my mere presence.
She must think I am a monster and a predator.
She must hate me.
I have broken my best friend, and I am never going to forgive myself for my selfishness. I have destroyed the healthiest and most beautiful connection I have ever had in my life to satisfy a sick desire. I have given in to lust without thinking about the consequences of my actions. I can crave her flesh forever if, for some miracle, she can find the strength to forgive me.
"I am so sorry," I murmur boring into her beautiful eyes. Suddenly, the dam crumbles and tears start flooding in, spilling on her pale cheeks and jumping off her chin before landing on her shirt. Lily drops to the floor, pressing her palms against her face as she shakes her head no.
"I am the one who should be sorry," she replies hiding her sobs as her shoulders shudder.
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Lily-bear. I was a jerk, and I shouldn't have laid a finger on you, I should have stopped..."
"No!" she shrills, "I forced you to touch me. You were drunk, for goodness' sake. I am sorry I ever put you in that position, you have to believe me!"
I grab her by the shoulders, and I turn her tiny body to me. "Lilith, I wanted that. I have been yearning you since you blushed that night at the hospital! I have been pining to touch your body since my lips first landed on yours. It should be I asking for forgiveness because I have let this burning desire come before our friendship. You were clearly intoxicated, and I still claimed your flesh, longer than I should have. You must forgive me."
"Jesse, I don't need to forgive you. I wanted you. When you squeezed my bum the other night, I was ready to rip your clothes off there and then, so no, I don't have to forgive you. I wanted your hands and your dirty little mouth on me, and I have for a while now."
"So, you wanted me?" I ask tentatively.
"Yes. And you wanted me?"
I barely let her finish the question before shouting yes back. I feel my body being pulled to hers, and I just want to rest my lips on hers, but I know this is wrong. I was terrified I was going to lose her, and I can't live in a world where Lily doesn't exist. Having a relationship with her would be the highlight of my entire, pathetic life but I am an awful partner, and I would hurt her for sure, destroying her perfect life little by little. I can't be the reason her smile fades and she wither; I will be the shield that protects our friendship from myself. I kneel next to her, and I wrap my arms around her frame, pulling her to me until her shoulder crashes against my chest. I rock our bodies back and forth, trying to soothe her pain.
"I don't want to lose you, Jay," she breathes out.
I press my lips against her temple, "I don't either...ever."
"You are my best friend, and that is the purest thing in my life. I want you there, always."
"And I will be."
"I think it's best if we take some time apart, take a step back, and continue to see other people because I can live without everybody else, but not you."
It pains me to agree with her, but she is right. We need the distance to clear our heads, and seeing others will make this whole process smoother. I don't understand why, though, my heart cruches in thousands of little pieces that will be impossible to put together.
"You're right. Let's do that, Lily-bear."
The kitchen is still and silent around us while Lily snuggles further in my arms. We stay there on the cold tiles for hours while my arms never hint at letting her go and our minds focus on what our life will look like from this day on.
*****************
Hello and happy Friday! :)
I am sorry for the late update, but I was away for a wedding 🎉🎉
I hope you enjoy this chapter, and let me know what you think in the comments :)
Love, Izzy.