I need to do better. It had been Prince Alvaryn and I had all but shouted in his face how much I hated him and all that he stands for.
What if he told someone? What if he took it to the King or the Advisor, the Mistress?
Everyday my temper would threaten to spill out, I do my best to keep it to myself but after that lesson it had been too much, the library was the first place I had thought of.
Maybe he wouldn't say anything. Maybe he would just ignore it or forget we had even spoken.
I pace in front of the fireplace in my rooms, my nightgown swishing around me as I turn quickly from one side to the other.
It was too late now either way. Would it really matter if he did say anything? Would anyone really care? Doubtful. All the other girls were fitting in, adjusting to all the rules and lessons, one out of twelve would probably mean very little to them.
As the days pass I try to forget the library incident, it takes a while to convince myself to return when I finish both books. The desire to get new books overshadows the fear Prince Alvaryn will be there again and I'll do something stupid.
I'll just go in, return the books and get a few more. In and out, I tell myself as I head back to the library, books in hand.
Prince Aeris comes around the corner and smiles at me. "Hello there Pet."
"Your Highness," I curtsy quickly, gripping my books tighter.
"On your way somewhere?" He asks stepping closer again, I take a step back smelling wine and something bitter, stronger.
"Yes, the library." I answer glancing around, we were just out of view of the closest guards and something about that felt dangerous.
"Ah," He looks down at the books, reaching out to take them from me before reading the covers. "Reading adventures are we, wanting to go out on your horse and cut down your enemies in battle?" He teases, closing the books and holding onto them.
"Not exactly." I reply.
He takes another step closer and I feel the wall behind me as I take a step back needing there to be more space between us, he was too close, even dancing left more space than we have now.
He smirks, holding the books behind his back. "I think you would fit in well on the battlefield, do you doubt your own abilities?" He asks, eyes wandering to my mouth and neck before finding my eyes again. How could someone's eyes be so dark, I had never seen anything like it, it was eerie, like all the colour had been sucked out.
"No, I just don't have all the training necessary to fare well on a battlefield."
"Well I'm sure that wouldn't take long to learn, I could train you personally if you like, how to wield a sword, how to throw daggers, fire a bow and arrow." He leans closer still and the scent of wine is stronger, his eyes glazed as he lifts his free hand, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. My body shudders in response and he grins wider at my reaction.
"Or maybe I could teach you something else, something less violent and bloodthirsty but extremely enjoyable in its own right." He says quietly as his fingers run along my jaw, I shiver as his fingertips skim along my skin turning it to gooseflesh. Heat curls in the pit of my stomach, the kind of heat I had never felt before. I don't let myself think about what he meant, of what he was offering or why my body seemed frozen in place yet is growing warmer by the second.
"I already have tutors, I'm not looking for another one." I reply, his fingers stop at my chin as his thumb traces the dimple there as he shifts my head so I am looking into his eyes, my neck craning at his height and he smiles, his face even closer to mine, any closer and I would be able to taste the wine on his lips.
"I'm sure you do, all of them invaluable but no doubt a little on the dull side. My teaching skills are much more hands on and much more enjoyable. I'm sure you would come to appreciate the way I treat my students, I have a very kind but firm hand." He leans in closer, his lips brush my ear lobe as he breathes in deeply, I shiver. "It would be our little secret pet, something to think about."
With that he leans back, letting go of my chin and holding my books out towards me. I take them quickly and then he steps out of my way and continues walking down the hall.
I stand in a daze for a moment trying to get my body to return to normal. I look down at the books I am holding as a servant passes me by and shake my head clear moving towards the library.
He was drunk, I doubt he really meant anything he had just said or done. Or maybe that is who he is exactly. Maybe he just spent his time drinking and trying to get women to lay with him. He probably didn't have to try very hard. He was a Prince after all.
I reach the library and close the doors behind me leaning against them for a moment while looking around in case anyone else was going to appear.
I place my hand on my chest feeling my heartbeat thumping away wildly as I breathe in and out slowly. After all of it, I wasn't scared, at least I hadn't been scared. It hadn't felt like he was going to hurt me, but he was suggesting things that I rarely let myself think about, at least not in the way he had spoken about it.
Whenever I thought about that act it had always seemed more like something I was meant to do with my husband. Whenever my mother had spoken to me about it, preparing me, teaching me, it had sounded like more of a chore then something to enjoy, something my husband would need.
Why did it sound different when Aeris had been so close, why did my body react the way it did, my skin still tingled where his lips had brushed my ear lobe. I hadn't expected to react the way I had.
I had always believed it was just a way to get pregnant and serve the people by bringing more children into the world or serving my husband. I remember nights listening to the sounds that came from my parents room, but it was only every my father, this kind of rutting sound that would always end with a groan then silence. It hadn't sounded like my mother enjoyed any of it. And yet, the heat in my stomach and the goose bumps on my skin told me different.
Was there more to it, more that I didn't know? Would the truth really change anything about my future? Would my body have the same reaction to any male?
I return my books and find myself walking towards the romance section searching the titles. I didn't know if any of the books would answer my questions or help explain why I am currently feeling the way I am, but there was no harm in trying.
I sit in the tub, the water growing cooler the longer I soak. Saena and Lyari wait for me patiently in the main room, I had wanted to bathe on my own.
I had started reading the romance book, I usually avoided them, they seemed too unbelievable. The way the women acted, fawning over men, swooning and day dreaming and pining. I had hoped they would shed light onto what I had felt earlier, if anything it only left more questions.
I felt strange, not myself, even more so than normal. Whatever had happened earlier with Aeris has left so many unanswered questions rattling around in my head causing havoc and doubt.
The way my body reacted to his touch, the heat inside me, almost like I had wanted it, like I enjoyed it. But I couldn't have. He had pushed himself and his ideas on me, suggesting he teach me things that we had no right talking about in the first place.
I hug my knees to my chest resting my chin. I wish my mother was here, it isn't the first time I had wished I could see her, talk to her, but I was more confused than ever and I needed her calmness, her advice, her answers. I don't know if she would have answered all of them, but I know she would make me feel better, explaining it all in a way that I would understand, maybe.
My heart aches trying hard not to think about her, trying not to acknowledge the thought that I would never see her again.
There was no one I could talk to here, no one I could trust, no one who would make me feel ok about everything I was thinking and feeling. She had loved me for exactly who I was, faults and all, she had believed I would be happy in my future. She had told me this was my best future but I couldn't help but doubt her. She may have believed this place, this life would be the best future for me, but in reality it was just a more beautiful cage to keep me bound in.
Any comments or thoughts so far would be greatly appreciated!! :)