nie huaisang didn't know what he was expecting when he woke up. he never got the feeling that something different was going to happen. he woke up, got dressed, and headed to the main hall to get breakfast. the throne room looked so much different now ever since his brother passed away. nie huaisang didn't want to be reminded of his brother everywhere he looked, so he transformed the throne room. he made it less of a throne room and more of a gathering hall, a banquet area, anything that would make it seem less of a dictator's office.
so, he spruced it all up — he opened the windows, removed the throne, added tables here, flower vases there... anything to keep the thought of his older brother out of his mind. nie huaisang sat on his usual spot at the head of the room. a few nie disciples were there to ensure his safety, and to answer to his every need. he could still see the piles of scrolls and documents lying around his desk area, completely untouched since last week. meanwhile, the paper fan on top of his desk was already drying. the painting of cherry blossoms finally settling into the paper. nie huaisang picked up a brush, a paintbrush. he dipped it into a small inkpot and decided to paint details onto the fan.
then, a pair of servants entered the room. they set up a small table beside his work desk and prepared his food from there. this was how nie huaisang's mornings would go. peaceful, serene. he felt as if he had nothing to worry about, and that brought a smile on his lips. he added more leaves on his paintings, and maybe even a bird or two. as he retouched the drawing of the bird, that suddenly reminded him — he still had to feed his pet birds. he stood up, plopping the ink brush onto the inkpot, before walking out of the room, two nie disciples flanking him on either side.
he waltzed out into the garden, enjoying the crisp, morning air as he breathed it in. then he felt it — a familiar feeling, a faint sense of deja vu, almost as if the past were trying to reach out to him. the wind whispered in his ears as he fed his birds. he gently tapped the bird cage, calling the attention of the small, grey canary. the bird chirped a good morning to him, making nie huaisang smile. he feed it a couple of seeds, and was satisfied to see the animal eating happily. "what a beautiful day it is." the bird continues eating and nie huaisang watches it eat for a few moments before a disciple comes running up to him.
"nie-zongzhu." the disciple bows respectfully.
"what is it?" nie huaisang asked, a little worried that this disciple might be bringing bad news.
"you have visitors. disciples from the gusu lan clan." the disciple informs him.
"is it zewu-jun?" nie huaisang questions further, a smile lighting up his face.
"no. they are being led by a senior named lan r/n."
~
nie huisang doesn't know who lan r/n is. when he asked his disciples if they knew anything about him, all they would do was shake their heads and asnwer, i don't know. he was still a little unsure as to why the gusu lan clan was sending in a completely unknown disciple without informing him ahead of time. did something bad happen? nie huaisang would wonder. he was trying to keep his cool, hoping that it was nothing too serious. servants guarding the doors to the main hall bowed to him in respect before they opened the doors.
around six disciples in white were present inside the room. they were all seated on tables set up at the sides, quietly and patiently waiting for nie huaisang. they all looked the same in his eyes, all except for one. a young disciple sat near the head table, he wore a veil that covered the bottom half of his face, and his eyes were closed, as if he were in a meditative state. he had an air of tranquility that nie huaisang has never seen before on any other lan disciple — not lan xichen, not even lan wangji. he was quiet. and he was beautiful. nie huaisang gulps, unable to step foot into the room as he just stands outside, completely frozen.
"this is all of them?" he whispered to one of his servants, and they nod in reply.
sighing, nie huaisang decides to man up and enter. as soon as he places one foot into the room, all of the lan disciples stood up abruptly and terrifyingly in sync. they all clasp their hands together and bow, "nie-zongzhu." they politely greeted him.
"ah... hello." nie huaisang nods. he briskly walks to his desk, trying to avoid their looks as they all put their arms down. they were looking at him as he made his way to his desk. nie huaisang nearly trips on his own feet, but he doesn't stop until he was standing behind his work desk. he clears his throats and makes a motion, "please, have a seat." and the lan disciples obey, sitting down, in sync once more.
"s-so, what can i help you with you?" nie huaisang stammers as he looks at the young disciple with the veil. he hastily tries to hide all of his art materials, completely embarassed that he left his items in such a messy state. servants entered the room, carrying pots of hot tea and more snacks as they've come to replace the guests' dishes.
the young disciple wearing the veil speaks up, "nie-zongzhu, i am lan r/n, of the gusu lan clan. i've come to discuss with you about a... demonic entity that has escaped into qinghe." nie huaisang almost passes out at what he'd heard.
"demonic entity? what demonic entity?!" he panics.
"a demonic left arm. but, worry not, nie-zongzhu, hanguang-jun is already investigating its location." the veiled lan r/n informs him.
nie huaisang covers his face behind his paper fan as he heard lan r/n's words. a demonic left arm is now running amok the territory of qinghe? "hanguang-jun is on the case?" he lowly questions. "yes. so you have nothing to worry about." y/n answers him. even with the veil covering the bottom half of his face, nie huaisang could tell that this senior was smiling at him. nie huaisang releases a breath of relief before he slumps over his desk. "that's good to hear." he smiles.
but he quickly realizes what that meant. he stood up from his seat, the items on his desk clanking a little, which alerted the lan disciples. lan r/n was the first to speak up, "nie-zongzhu, is something the matter?" nie huaisang quickly shakes his head as he begins making his way to the door.
"it's nothing, it's nothing!" he laughs. "i just forgot something, is all."
but lan r/n seemed to be even more suspicious.
~
the forests of qinghe didn't have anything particular that made it stand out. they were dense, a little spooky maybe, but nothing out of the ordinary. yet as lan y/n walked through the forests, following the trail of one qinghe nie clan leader, he could feel something. like a spirit attached to the grounds, or a memory of an important event. whatever that something was, it was bugging lan y/n. it was trying to grab his attention away from the clan leader, who was busy walking through the forests of qinghe, all by himself. awfully out of character for someone as timid as nie huaisang.
the clan leader walked with long and leisurely strides, his fan out, as if he were simply taking a walk. y/n thought it best that the other disciples stay back in case anything else happened. he ordered them to avoid the forests, but still keep an eye out for anything suspicious. he reckons they'd be interrogating locals by now, but he really couldn't be bothered to care. he was too busy tailing the clan leader right now. he'd just left the lan disciples all by themselves without any clear explanation. he said he forgot something, but ten minutes passed, then thirty, and finally, y/n decided to find him.
at first, he searched for him all around the manor, but none of the servants were of any use. they were tight-lipped, and they refused to divulge their leader's location, so y/n decided to follow after his brother and into the dark forests of qinghe. he most certainly wasn't expecting nie huaisang to be there, just walking around like some tourist. finding him more interesting, y/n decided to tail him instead, which then leads to the present.
y/n was watching the clan leader's movements from the tall trees. the leaves gave him enough cover, and with swift and silent movements, the clan leader was never alerted of his presence. it went on for a while, and y/n thought that nie huaisang really was just taking a walk, when all of a sudden, y/n spotted the silhouettes of a few stone buildings from afar.
structures made out of white marble stood proud amidst the forest. they were like upside-down bowls in appearance, with vines growing along its surface, and a few wandering low-level corpses dotting the area. at the sight of nie huaisang though, they simply turned away and continued mulling about. y/n narrowed his eyes. he was close friends with nie huaisang in his previous life, he knew that at the sight of a fierce corpse, no matter the level of ferocity, he would immediately cower away and hide.
how long have i remained cut off from the rest of the world?
y/n observed nie huaisang's next move, but he only hides behind a tree and seemingly watches the stone buildings from afar. y/n noticed a big hole in one of the stone castle's. it was large enough for a human to enter through, but other than that, the stone castles appear to be undamaged and untouched. nie huaisang stays still for a few moments, fanning himself slowly, before he suddenly looks up. his eyes pierced right through y/n, and he immediately felt a cold chill down his spine.
"how long will you continue following me, lan r/n?" nie huaisang speaks up.
now that he's been caught, lan y/n decides that hiding any longer would be useless. he jumps down from his spot, effortlessly landing beside nie huaisang. the clan leader smiles at him but doesn't say anything. he looks him up and down, still fanning himself slowly, calmly. the clan leader then reaches one hand out towards lan y/n. then, he picks up a single leaf from his shoulder. he laughs softly before flicking the leaf away.
"did zewu-jun send you?" nie huaisang asked.
"no. hanguang-jun did. but he did not order me to follow you. i did it of my own accord." y/n politely answered.
"why were you following me?" nie huaisang asked again.
y/n pressed his lips together. his next words needed to be chosen very carefully — the qinghe nie clan is closely related to the gusu lan clan, especially since lan y/n's older brother was sworn brothers with qinghe's former clan leader. every now and then, y/n would still hear his older brother, xichen, playing the purification tone when he was alone. y/n would listen until the song was finished, where he would then hear his older brother sigh to himself.
y/n wouldn't dare break the trust between the qinghe nie clan and the gusu lan clan. especially since he as well, held the clan close to his heart.
"i was worried about you, nie-zongzhu. you left so suddenly..." y/n answers after taking a moment.
nie huaisang gives him a skeptical look. he was quiet for a few moments as he once again, looks y/n up and down. then, the smile on his lips returns. "you have nothing to worry about, lan r/n. i've been to this place plenty of times so i already know my way around." he smiled. y/n returns his smile with one of his own. he then turns his attention to the opening in one of the stone castles and asked, "nie-zongzhu, what are these structures?"
"they're stone castles. they were made to house the sabers of the qinghe nie clan's fallen warriors." nie huaisang replied, looking at the stone castle.
"so this is the qinghe nie clan's most sacred place. does that mean... the former clan leader is also buried here?" y/n carefully dares to ask.
nie huaisang was quiet for a few moments and y/n tensed up, afraid that he'd hit a nerve. the clan leader hides behind his fan, a sorrowful look on his face. he doesn't answer and y/n doesn't press any further. suddenly, from the opening of the stone castle, y/n could hear music. the familiar tone of inquiry rung through the air, echoing in y/n's ears as if forcing open a memory he had so carefully locked away so long ago.
~
y/n could hear a bowl crash onto the floor, the porcelain shattering into a million pieces, which was then followed by the sound of angry yelling. "a-y/n prepares this soup for me every day!" y/n was about to ignore it, thinking it was just some of the disciples getting into a heated argument about the lack of provisions, but instead, he hears his name. he turns to check it out — he doesn't remember preparing soup for anyone. as a matter of fact, his brothers have been making it a point to keep him away from the kitchen as he's nearly burned down the whole place before.
he walked over to where the screaming was coming from. he nearly slit his eyeballs when he saw jin zixuan standing in the center of the camp with jiang yanli of the yunmeng jiang clan. he grabbed her wrist, angrily pulling her towards him. his eyes were practically burning with rage, a sight even y/n wasn't familiar with. he knew that jin zixuan was temperamental, but he never knew he could make such a terrifying face.
"jiang-guniang, you're of such noble birth, yet you'd take credit for someone else's work?!" he yelled straight to her face. "you do not deserve a-y/n's friendship!!"
hearing his name being dragged into this mess, y/n quickly steps in to pull jin zixuan away, but before he could, a flurry of black sends the young jin heir flying away. wei wuxian stood in front of his shijie, glaring daggers straight into jin zixuan's soul. he looked as if he was looking at the most disgusting creature on earth — his eyes glowed with fury, his jaw clenched as if he was fighting to hold back his tongue from unleashing a flurry of curses and insults. y/n was quick to help up jin zixuan.
now, even wei wuxian was glaring at y/n, and it pained him to receive such a deadly and judgmental look from his partner.
"stop this. jin-gongzi, please... can't we discuss this somewhere more private?" y/n insists, trying to diffuse the situation as other disciples started coming out of their tents to watch the drama unfold.
"you would take his side, lan y/n?!" wei wuxian seethed, eyes narrowing at the young lan.
"i'm not taking anyone's side-" y/n closed his eyes and quickly took a breath. "can we all just calm down?"
"do what you want, but don't ever let me see his face again." wei wuxian spat.
he grabbed jiang yanli by the elbow and hastily drags her away. the young lady could only glance at the other two over her shoulder as she was being dragged away. she pressed her lips together and didn't say anything else as she followed after wei wuxian. soon enough, the two disappeared and y/n let out an exasperated sigh as he looked at jin zixuan.
"come here, let me take a look at that." y/n grumbles as he gently places two fingers on jin zixuan's chin. he tilts the other's head to the side and visibly winces at the sight of jin zixuan's bruising cheek.
"come on. let's just go back to your tent." y/n sighed and jin zixuan was more than happy to oblige.
as soon as they were inside his tent, jin zixuan let out a string of angry curses — most of them were especially directed at wei wuxian, some on the yunmeng jiang clan, and a few towards lady jiang herself. y/n listened to him rant as he washed his hands on a bowl of water. he picked up some herbs that were tucked away among jin zixuan's items, choosing the medicinal ones as he crushed them against his fingers. jin zixuan was still angrily pacing around the tent, still cursing, still angry. y/n wasn't really paying attention though, he was too busy measuring the amount of herbs and such as he crushed leaves into his fingers, mixing some with water until it turned into a thick, pasty mixture.
then, y/n turned around. he hummed, informing jin zixuan of his presence. the young master walks towards him, still wearing an irritated scowl on his lips. then, y/n places a hand on jin zixuan's cheek, his fingers, coated in medicinal herbs, gave off a chilling feeling to him, causing him to hiss from the sudden contact. but it was immediately replaced by a comforting feeling, which made him sigh in pure bliss. y/n gently shushed jin zixuan as the bruise was already disappearing. when it was completely gone, y/n pulled away, but jin zixuan held onto his forearm, holding his hand in place.
jin zixuan kept his eyes glued onto y/n's, the anger in his irises slowly disappearing. then slowly, he placed kisses along y/n's palm. he inhaled the flowery scent of the medicinal herbs that mixed quite well with y/n's natural scent. it presented him with comfort, something that was incredibly hard to come by ever since they were at war with the qishan wen clan. he placed one kiss on the outer palm of y/n's hand, then on his fingers, then slowly he moved to the back of y/n's hands — he kissed along his knuckles, kissing over callouses and scars.
"i didn't prepare that soup for you, you know." y/n suddenly says, but jin zixuan doesn't stop.
"so?" the young master asked.
"you didn't have to humiliate jiang-guniang like that. now a-xian hates me." y/n answers him with a sigh as he weakly tries to pull his hand away.
jin zixuan releases a sigh of his own, but he doesn't release y/n from his hold. his hands held y/n's right hand, his thumb brushing over his joints, gently massaging them. his hands were once fair and dainty, completely rid of any signs of hard work. but now, they were rough and calloused — from playing the erhu almost every hour of every day without rest, to torturing wens into divulging any form of information... y/n has been through a lot, and the calluses seen on his palms were a symbol of it.
"it doesn't matter-"
"it does matter!" y/n rips his hand away from jin zixuan's grip. he sounded so close to breaking down into a sobbing mess, jin zixuan knew it. "you're... you have a duty to care for her... for jiang-guniang who loves you."
"what about you? a-y/n, do you not love me?" jin zixuan's sudden question caught y/n off guard.
where did that come from?
when did y/n ever exhibit an attraction towards jin zixuan?
was the young master just being delusional? — mistaking y/n's actions as something more?
the demonic cultivator pauses in place, mind racing with a million thoughts as jin zixuan's words echoed in his head. he really shot himself in the foot this time — with the constant physical interactions with jiang cheng and his nightly visits to nie mingjue's tent, y/n didn't know what he was feeling anymore. he really didn't know. not to mention, the looks meng yao, jin guangshan's illegitimate son apparently, has been sending him. y/n combed his hair back and exhaled as if he were trying to expel all the stress from his body.
jin zixuan could sense y/n's inner turmoil. he wanted to make things easier for him — for the man he's come to care so deeply for.
he took one step towards lan y/n. then another. then another. but y/n didn't move, even as his personal space was being invaded. jin zixuan placed a hand on either side of his face, his touch, extremely careful and gentle. he guided y/n to look at him, to look only at him. at that moment, it was just the two of them. the chatter of the disciples outside his tent were no longer, jin zixuan could only focus on the man in front of him.
when did this happen?
jin zixuan didn't know the answer to that question.
all he knew, was that at that moment, he leaned down and pressed his lips against lan y/n's.
and lan y/n kissed back.
~
"i can't do this." y/n tells the young master. "guilt has prevailed over me — i can't do this anymore."
the scene was mt. baifeng, the grounds for a night hunt hosted by the lanling jin clan. y/n didn't know why it was happening or how he got dragged into it, his brothers probably convinced him somehow into coming, but he was there. after sharing a kiss with jin zixuan in his tent that one day, y/n had become overridden with guilt, he was painfully aware of jiang yanli's one-sided feelings for jin zixuan, but the devil on his shoulder was insatiable — it wanted a release, a moment to feel human in the middle of a seemingly one-sided war. he was going to die sometime soon, he just knows it.
"i'm sorry." y/n whispered.
if jiang cheng wasn't present, jin zixuan was there and somehow, y/n allowed himself to be swept away. he felt so filthy. he wanted to crawl out of his skin and burn himself alive for he knew how grave of a sin he's committed. but he was human. he needed a moment of simplicity, a moment where he could satiate his most raw and primal needs. no one must know.
"i'm sorry." he repeats, a little louder.
he didn't want to continue what he had with jin zixuan, no. he couldn't do it. he had to stop himself from continuing what he's started with jin zixuan before it escalated any further. two hearts would shatter if he didn't, jiang cheng's and jiang yanli's. two of the most prominent figures of the yunmeng jiang clan. if he didn't do this right now, and if people found out — that kind of scandal would demolish morale among troops, his clan's name would be dragged through the mud, and god knows what his uncle would punish him with this time.
jin zixuan knew it was bound to happen one of these days.
"i know." he told y/n. "i'm sorry as well... i forced you to continue." jin zixuan apologizes softly.
"it wasn't just you. i allowed this to happen as well." y/n sighed as he wrapped his arms around himself, clearly getting uncomfortable. "i willingly went along with it."
"it's all right, i already knew from the start that we could never be together. there's no need for you to be guilty." jin zixuan tries to reassure him as he could sense the guilt pouring out of y/n.
"maybe in a different timeline, it would be us. you would be mine, and i yours. it would just be the two of us, sitting underneath the morning sun, drinking tea and... maybe even living under the same roof." jin zixuan sighed. "it's truly a shame how we could only live so perfectly in my dreams."
he places a both of his hands on either side of y/n's cheeks as slowly, he guides their faces together. their lips didn't meet in a cheesy goodbye kiss — no. their foreheads pressed together as if they wanted to share in each other's thoughts, in each other's feelings. y/n took a deep breath, trying to prevent himself from crying. he felt as if an enormous weight had been lifted off his chest and he could finally breathe again. no, he could genuinely feel again.
"goodbye, jin-gongzi."
"goodbye, a-y/n."
~
a/n
aww, sheesh, now i feel bad