HERO
The clink of the gate has my hands falling from my face as I lean back against the cool wicker. I already know who it is, so I don't bother looking, my eyes sliding over the pool instead, trailing the light ripples the vacuum creates across the top as Felix drops in the chair opposite of me.
After a few minutes of nothing from me, he stands, lifting his seat with him and sets it directly in my line of sight.
He stares at me.
I stare right fuckin' back.
He nods, pushes to his feet once more and grabs the football off the grass. Tossing it in the air, he steps back and waits.
He knows I haven't touched a ball once this week. Shit's fucked up and fucked up good when this happens.
He's seen it before, when my dad first left my mom, and a few times in between.
I drag my ass from my seat, walking backward to the opposite side of the yard.
He tosses me the ball and a sense of ease floats over me when the hard rubber hits my fingertips, but it quickly fades.
We toss it back and forth a few times before Felix breaks the silence.
"You okay, man?"
"Does word really travel that fast or do you have a habit of checking up on her?"
His eyes narrow, but quickly smooth out. "She showed up at Kat's a couple hours ago. I left so she could talk to her friends, but it was pretty obvious shit got spilled."
"You happy about that?" I throw the ball a little harder.
He catches it with a glare. "Happy about my best friend losing the girl he's always wanted and finally got? Nah man, can't say I fuckin' am." He takes an extra second to bullet it back.
I drop my hands, allowing the ball to bounce off my chest. "How the fuck could you keep that shit from me? Two fuckin' years, bro. You had two years to tell me you guys slept together and never did."
Felix's head falls before he meets my eyes again. "I fucked up. I've got no excuse. You told me freshman year you and her would never happen, and you started dating Jackie on and off. I was the fool who believed you let Josephine go just because you said you did. I get I should have stayed away from her regardless. You have no idea how shitty I've been feeling since I realized you still had feelings for her. Dirt," he spits hatefully to himself. "I feel like straight-up dirt, man."
"Not enough to open your mouth, though, yeah? Not until you had to?"
"I was straight-up terrified to tell you, didn't wanna lose my best friend over something that didn't mean what I knew you'd think it did. H, I swear on my life, man. I would never do something knowing it would fuck with our friendship. You're like a brother to me. I would never risk that knowingly."
I shake my head, and we both move back to the chairs.
It takes me a minute, but I look to him. "Why even fuck her? If it didn't mean shit, Felix, why?"
"You really want to talk about this?"
I glare.
He sighs, sits back, and answers fuckin' honestly.
"We thought it would be fun. Most of you guys had already lost your virginity at that point. She had no interest in anyone and didn't see it happening anytime soon, and I... was a guy." He shrugs. "I wanted to learn what to do so I'd be ready when it happened with someone else. We were pushed together so much by our moms that we trusted each other, so we drank a little to calm our nerves and then... yeah. It was really that fucking insignificant, man. Shirts were left on and all."
"And you thought that's what she deserved? Something purely fuckin' meaningless?"
Felix looks away, wincing slightly. "It's shitty, but uh, I didn't even consider it, not once until the night I took Kat's virginity. I wish I could say I regretted it before then because of you, but I didn't until I realized what it meant to sleep with someone you love for the first time. I gave that memory to Kathrine and took it away from Jo."
I sit there a minute, unsure of what to say to him.
"I'm sorry, H. I knew you crushed on her back then, and that should have been enough for me to tell her no. I'm sorry I didn't tell you after it happened, but honest to fucking god I didn't think you'd care or... fuck." He drops forward, placing his elbows on his knees. "I guess I didn't think at all. The minute I realized, though, I should have been honest. I know it only makes it seem worse, but at that point, it felt like we were in too deep." He sighs. "I was afraid, plain and simple."
"It's never too late to be honest, but there is being honest too late."
He nods, looking to his clasped hands.
I glare at his form a minute, then I lick my lips and say, "Luckily I've made some fucked up choices, told some big lies and lost a lot along the way."
Felix's head pops up and I lean forward.
"I'm not looking to lose my best friend, and sure as fuck not right now when I've got a lot of fuckin' nothin'."
I reach out with my fist and he pushes his knuckles into mine.
He knows I'm feeling cross, and that this will take time. We've got a fuckin' field to walk, but I'm more than willing to spare the tread on my cleats to get us back. He's family in every way that counts.
"I'm sorry, H," he says, his eyes earnest.
"I know, man." I nod, a deep sigh leaving me as I kick the ball at my feet across the concrete and into the pool. "So, you were at Kat's?" I move the conversation, my eyes sliding to his while my head remains forward. "You guys are good?"
His brows knit, but he nods. "She wouldn't even hear me out at first, but after a solid eight of begging and crying like a bitch outside her house that night, she finally took pity on me, let me in and listened to what I had to say."
"But she knew about it already."
"She's known since the day we got home from camp. Jo..." He looks away. "She told all the girls."
I scoff, looking off.
"When we argued the other night, it sounded bad. All that shit, anything I've said or done, H, it wasn't about protecting Josephine. It was about trying to save you from getting hurt in the end."
"I didn't need you to do that, Felix. I don't get in your relationship, why would you get into mine?"
"Because I saw it, the second she agreed, I knew how bad you would want it to be real, and I didn't want you to fall if she..."
"If she wasn't?"
He nods.
"Why wouldn't she?" I look to him.
He lifts his hands, holding them up a moment before letting them drop. "You guys weren't friends, you never talked, and she thought you hated her even though I told her several times you didn't."
"You saw how we were together, man," I say, shaking my head. "You're the one that said it seemed too much too fast."
"I know you, H, and I saw how much deeper it was getting for you, but I couldn't tell if she was acting. I didn't realize she was into it until I witnessed her jealousy over Scarlett."
I look away.
"You need to go over there. I'm sure she's home by now. Explain better. Fix this, H."
"No reason, I'm nothin' but a liar to her now." I look his way. "She wanted me for a minute, at least I got that much, right?"
"Wrong, she's fucked up."
My ribs begin to ache. "She'll be good."
"Yeah?" Felix looks up at my mom's bedroom window, dark as always, and back to me. "And what about you, man, will you be good?"
"I am good." Done talking, I push to my feet and hold my hand out.
He eyes me, clapping his into mine as he stands.
"You'll be at the game tomorrow?" he asks as he walks toward the gate.
"Not sure yet."
"You know Coach will let you play, get you excused for the days you missed."
I look away and he walks out.
When he's gone, I drop back in the chair and look up at the sky.
And they say senior year is supposed to be your best year yet.
Yeah fuckin' right.
We're only months in and everything fucking sucks.