It's been weeks since our last session and my identity was revealed. Maybe all of this will overwhelm her, or maybe even make her quit. But all I have is an hour of her time before going through the rest of the day pretending like nothing has happened.
Should I tell my coworkers my true identity as well?
No, that wouldn't be smart. One of them could be in contact with Kyle, I also don't need any more attention drawn towards me.
"Hello, Nova. It feels like years since I've last spoken to you."
"I agree, I'm sorry if my absence has been so noticeable. A lot has happened in my life since our last conversation."
"I accept your apology, though it's not necessary. You can start at any time, my schedule is fully open."
Taking a deep sigh, I guess this is it.
"My name isn't Nova Faye, it's Olivia Taylor."
"Well, I'm happy to meet you, Olivia. What made you want to tell me your true identity?"
"I-I, just felt like I needed to get that off my chest. Therapy is about honesty, right?"
"Yes, please continue"
"I've been hiding my identity for so long, I started to feel like I was losing myself again."
"You've gone through this before? How did it make you feel?"
"Hallow. Like I was only a shell of myself. I've been in survival mode for so many years and I want to live this time as me. Not as Nova Faye, or anyone else. It just seems to be too hard to accomplish."
"Have you felt free during the duration of your facade? Done things you've wanted or yearned for?"
"I have, I'm just not proud of all the decisions I've made. It's led to a lot of issues blossoming into my life so suddenly. I just want to be like everyone else. Live to make mistakes, fall in love, go out in public with friends, and not be afraid, have a family, be happy..."
"Can you tell me what may be stopping you from achieving that?"
"My life hasn't been simple. If I were to tell you everything in detail you may commit me or have me evaluated."
"I don't desire to do anything,
but help you. As long as you haven't committed a crime, there's no reason for me to do anything but listen to you, allow you to vent, and gain clarity."
I have the floor to be vulnerable to her, the struggle of wanting to finally let it all out to a professional, instead of holding it all in and letting my trauma and past consume me.
What's the worst that could happen? He's already found a way back into my life, it's already as dangerous as it could be for me.
"If you insist. I'm just not sure where to start, There's just so much that has happened to me and I allowed it."
"Did you allow it, or were you doing whatever you had to, to survive?"
"A bit of both, I guess. Some things are a blur, while others are crystal clear, like it just happened yesterday. At times I feel like it's over for good and that I moved past it, then the next, I'm getting flashbacks and triggered all over again. I can't really find comfort or peace because, for most of my life, I didn't feel like I deserved either of them."
"Is there anything you do to ground yourself when this happens? Breathing exercises? Meditation? Counting backward from a certain number?"
"No... I honestly never thought of doing any of those things to help ground me. Truthfully, I never thought any of those things worked, at least not for me. Even in my dreams or the corners of my mind, I cannot escape the horrors I've witnessed or been through. But we only have so much time to talk since work is about to start soon, so I don't want to drag this on longer than it has to be."
"I'm supposed to keep this hush, but he gave me clearance on allowing you to talk as long as you need to. As well, as allowing you to see me outside of work hours and on the weekend, all you need to do is call, then my next opening will be yours for as long as you need. I'm here to help, and that's what I will be doing."
Suddenly, I began to silently weep.
I've longed for this kind of professional help since my parents divorced. And now, I may be able to get the proper help that I need to function like everyone else. David truly is heaven-sent for doing this for me; I don't know how I'll ever be able to properly thank him for this breath of fresh air.
"Work is about to start soon, I should get going and boot up my computer. I appreciate this session, it helped me out a bit."
"I'm happy to hear that. And please, do what's best for you."
" I will, you just made my decision easier."
As I left her office, I told myself that it was best to keep it a secret just a while longer. It's still not safe enough for this to be revealed yet, especially not to a bunch of people I don't really know that well.
Fake it until you make it.
As soon as I sat down in my chair, Willow walked in. She seemed to be upset, I wondered what was wrong.
"Is everything okay? You're usually a morning person."
"No, I've been calling you all weekend and you ignored me. What's up with that?"
I completely forgot to turn my phone back on or inform anyone of my phone change.
"I'm so sorry, I got a new phone and changed my number after my ex suddenly got back in contact with me. I've been so stressed that I didn't think to tell anyone, especially not to cause any worry. Here's my new number."
I felt horrible.
"I feel like a bitch now, I should've just asked if everything was alright. I'm so, so, so, sorry." Was all she could repeat for the next few seconds before I cut her off. Is this how I used to sound?
"It's perfectly fine, I accept your apology and appreciate the concern. I've just been in a slight daze with how things went. We can catch up as much as you need to today."
Her arms were wrapped around me in seconds, catching me completely off guard. Are we close enough for her to be hugging me without warning?
I guess so... it'll be rude to push her off me.
"Do you feel better now?"
"I actually do. I really needed to hug someone, I'm so sorry if I crossed your boundaries. I should've asked."
"Relax and breathe. It's not like you hit me or anything, we all need hugs sometimes. I honestly needed it too, I just wasn't expecting it."
She reminds me so much of how I was - and at times still am- like a mirror has just been put to my face for the first time in my life.
"Willow, I have something to tell you, but you have to keep it a secret between us."
"Of course, I promise."
In the most adorable gesture, she held out her pinky for me. Once they were locked together I told her the truth.
"My name isn't Nova Faye, it's Olivia Taylor."
"Wait, is that like a second name, or is Nova Faye a nickname you went by?"
"It was an alias I had to go by, but it's okay for me to tell, and few people I trust about it."
"Olivia is such a pretty name, in kind of shocked you telling me this. But I'm happy to know that you trust me with such a big secret. Does that mean we're officially friends?"
"In a way, yes."
"Yayyy!" Willow hugged me yet again, this time, I hugged her back. She reminds me of young me, before my parents divorced before my brother had to move out with him because they decided to split us up, before my life became something I endured and suffered from, rather than something to enjoy and experience.
I admire and envy Willow in so many ways.
Maybe one day, hopefully soon, I can be like that again.
The workday went by as quickly as it started. David was working late on a project that was coming up, so I decided to spend some time with Kelsie.
"Where have you been?!? I've been worried sick about you, I was a day away from putting out an amber alert for you."
I missed her and her dramatics so much.
"Amber alerts are only for children, Kelsie. So I'm not sure how that would go regardless."
"They are? Well, that's just not fair. I had flyers ready and all, I thought the worst happened to you."
"I'm sorry, I had to get a new phone and ditch the old one altogether after Kyle found me again. So much has happened, I'm still unsure how I got any work done today. Here's my new number, and can you please send it to everyone on this list? I just need a second to decompress."
For the rest of the evening until the late hours of the night, I took the time to tell Kelsie everything that had happened since I escaped from Kyle again.
"Fuck, that's horrible. I wish it was something that could be done about him. I don't know what I would do if you weren't here."