Saturday night. The night of the party.
Was I ready for my first party with friends and random stranger? A real Project X rave? Maybe not. Was I ready for all the kinds of things that would go down? Of course not. Was I even ready for the scares that no doubt awaited me? Not really. Though Tori assured me there weren't going to be, what did she really know? Besides the affection for Chris she held so dear to her heart she couldn't confess it to her best friend. Speaking of him, he might've added some scares here and there to liven up his bash, a first in three years according to him and Levy.
Anxious butterflies cluttered scorched my insides and the feel felt too awkward. I've stated I haven't been to a party like this, let alone a Halloween bash and I'd go in there fully blind. Sure, there were a lot of assumptions and preconceived notions that I learned from the internet, the media and Tori's own experiences with Jared and them. But with Chris as the host, it could've turned out different. Radically different as to change the current perspective on parties I had and maybe I'd go to one with Tori one of these days.
If I wanted a life of a twenty-something in debt. I'd think about it.
However, I always asked the same questions to myself, what if someone drugged my drink? What if I got molested, or worse, killed? In a fight somehow? What if...? And I always assured myself the fact of who my friends were; beastly Gods at the call of their own family.
Stop it, Thomas. Think straight, not negative. Don't cogitate things too much, like most things in my life. I paranoid myself and if I kept this up, shaking, jittering, and had to rest in Tori's arms like now, I'd never have a good time. I shouldn't have over exaggerated something Chris assured was safe and fun and awesome. I wanted a good time, a great time. Dancing like an idiot, getting drunk – though I might have the occasional light drinks – and feel like a fool like everyone else in there. I craved for that experience and yet I was being a paradox to myself.
I shouldn't even worry about my costume either, worrying about what others thought of it. As long as I liked it, that Tori liked it, I was fine. I was sure Chance would've liked it, too. It was based off a graphic novel character I read not too long ago. A grim reaper of sorts, manipulating the reality of one's own mind. It was a really good read and the name slipped my tongue a thousand times.
I breathed, composed myself from Tori's embrace and just laid straight on my back on the couch.
"I'll be with you all the time," she assured me. "Unless, you know... Chris wants to have sex or something than I'll gladly be gone for a few hours or so. Not long."
Don't kill me, Tori. "Oh, wow. That's comforting. Thanks."
"What? I mean... I honestly might do it – and the sex part, not yet. I have been thinking about what you said," she said. "Been saying, actually."
I sat upright and quirked a brow. "Really? Like, really, really?"
Her eyes avoided mine for quite some time now. They trained hard at the black screen of the family TV. She was well in deep thought about it and maybe something more, that much I read. "I've been struggling with it and you're right, I may never know what could be."
"And what about your fears? Your insecurities? You're so quick to judge and compare yourself to others and I keep telling you how damaging that is. Even when I've done it before."
She shrugged after a quick moment in silence. "I'll fight them off. I shouldn't be afraid of rejections or if I'm just not his ideal type of woman. I know I'm weird and crazy and he's comfortable around that but every time I look at the past girls he's had-"
"Don't. Stop right there. You're doing it again. You're not fighting it, you're letting it control you into thinking you've won the battle." Her insecurities reigned on her life a lot of the times, and most of those were counted around the men she got, or tried, getting serious with. The odds were never in her favour with the way she damaged her own self-esteem, like how I did. Like my mother. I couldn't see it again. Not today.
So desperately I wanted her to be with someone she liked a lot, someone she knew on a deeper level with a deep connection. Someone that ticked her off and drove her insane, more so than ever. She and Chris had this comfortable atmosphere I fangirled over, despite not seeing all those years' worth of it. Just hearing her talk about him sometimes made me pity and empathize with the striking heartache racking against her chest. She needed a man to explore other parts of life she couldn't do with me, herself or her family.
A best friends she loved as much as she loved herself, a best friend she had sex with and who could the booty. Her words, trust me. I'm not that crazy.
My dreams for her were the same for me. My feelings towards her brother... to test the waters and jump right back in that damn, huge tank was a risk too thin and now it made sense. Chris knew. He bettered me at my own career and that was actually so sad. Damn it, Chris! Now he was an even better man for my girl.
She turned and those emotional, darkened blues bored in mine. "Dow do you even put up with me?" One thing I noticed about the colour blue, how it varied between the fraternal twins was the fact of how their emotions were each a shade. Although not rather detailed. Simple.
So I smiled. "The same way you put up with me."
A slow burn at first but her Tori laugh came through at last right as the doorbell rang a few minutes later. And then we calmed down.
It had to be no one else but Chance. Our lights were out, so no kids were to show and my parents left with Christian and Dallas for trick or treating. Could it be a ghost? Or a Psychology genius who would help me pass College? I hoped it was the latter, prayed, but ultimately fell short when it was Chance. Although seeing him still kept a smile I reassured Tori with.
I honestly just hoped my grades were all right. I kept forgetting to ask.
Studying him, I recognized who he cosplayed as. A perfect, on spot cosplay of a character who slipped my mind. Guess this shouts how comics and graphic novels weren't really my thing. As I remembered, his character was from a comic series my brother tried reading and my Holy Grail of Zeus did it look extremely fitting on him. Who was it, though? But a fine specimen he was. Damn!
Sometimes my own mind made me wonder if I could stop being sexually attracted to men, or otherwise Tori's perverseness would leak out of me.
Slightly I shook my head, mentally slapping myself and before uttering a welcoming, he held me close to his body. My heart stuttered and my joints froze, and when he lifted me up a few inches in the air I tried catching my breath. All those times we hugged, his warmth tangled me, my nose perked at the fresh scent of his cologne. A sweet embrace. And now, those things remained but there was something else. A hint of something else there that made me enjoy it more than I realized.
Would I take a risk? Would Chance be ready... would I?
My arms weren't encased in his and rather ravelled around his body, clenching the back of his vest. Warm, very warm, and comfortable. My cheeks burned and I actually felt the pace of his beating heart. Wow... never had we ever hugged like this ad with all that had happened Thanksgiving and the following days, why was he different? Friendlier, cheery and enclosed around the clutches of happiness as evident by that damning grin of his when he put me down? What just happened?
Now I didn't even know if I should. God dammit, Thomas...
Not that I complained, in actuality.
"Hi... Chance. Hi." And what a way to be awkward again, Thomas. Things are looking so great right now.
"Hey, Thomas. Tori. You both look amazing." That damning grin still... it almost killed me. But my I lit up like a fangirl and her Tumblr ships, nevertheless. "I read about that one Grim Reaper guy in a graphic novel once... can't remember the name, though. And nice Marvel costume – you look like a beautiful Amazonian Greek Goddess now."
Tori huffed. "What in the world of the hell do you mean now? Wasn't I always?" He shook his head. "Well, then. Fuck you. You're late anyways, so ha. Marvel is more badass anyway, better than Slade.
A second time he shook his head and a light, ear curling chuckle left his lips. He then pointed a finger at her. "You can take the bus. Let's go, Thomas."
"Asshole..."
I smiled as Tori and I left with him back to his car in my driveway and when we buckled ourselves up, he started driving down to Chris' house. I heard it was on a little hilltop, like one of those Beverly Hills Heights place or something, like a little secluded community from the world. I guessed having parents in the business industry had great perks and they certainly raised such a smart, handsome, crazy man I trusted to be with my crazy sister who rode shotgun. Then I looked to the left and another set of nerves flushed inside.
This man held so many questions and I honestly couldn't wait get all the answers, either me being smarticles and answering them all or he would. But I liked seeing him more happy and relaxed and away from the negativity that dawned him Thanksgiving Day. I could tell how much his friends and Tori loved how far he came and sometimes I felt like I never knew the whole story. But I never really minded that because it wasn't my story to tell. When or if he opened up more to me like he does to the others, then I'd wait.
But this party controlled more of my nerves and anxiety, clutching to the small sense of sanity left in me. I don't know why I did this to myself. It was Chris and his party. I trusted him. He was a great guy and he would never bring those who'd ruin a great experience I craved. I got to remember that.
"I invited Jared and them. Did they tell you?" Tori asked and I paid more attention.
"Uh, no. I talked to Mikayla the other day but she didn't say anything." Well now I had more protection.
"Yeah. I was talking to Mikayla a week ago about it and she was all like, oh my Gosh, Tori. I wanna go! I wanna see your man and Thomas and all the hot guys! And I was like, lol, girl calm down. You can go. Then she made me deaf so that was fun." Chance and I laughed. Mikayla went to another level above Tori – I thought that was impossible. "Then Jared texted me that Mikayla invited him and Josh and even Alison. Like have you seen a recent picture of that woman? Puberty sculpted her into a model, I'm telling you. It's depressing."
"Mrs. Steal Yo Man."
"Like I am telling you. Yes. She makes me jealous sometimes. Like, how can I trust girls who do their makeup perfect and look perfect natural? There's something going on there."
I drifted off remembering Alison, the girl who had the bad acne attacks and a few blemishes scaring her face. The ginger haired, freckled little girl we played hide and seek with and I thought I remembered seeing a picture. Times clearly shaped her a lot of coming from Tori and I was sure she still had a little break out on her face.
"Doesn't she still have a few breakouts?" I asked.
"Yeah, but it's like they highlight her attractiveness. How's that even possible?" Ask your brother, girl.
"Magic."
"Or some kind of special drugs I need to be on."
Chance scoffed, chuckling straight after. "Yeah, like we need a psychopath. You're on too many."
She swatted his arm hard but he only flinched a little at the surprise attack. "You're rude." She then coiled in her seat, starting back at me. "Thomas. Remember he's an ass, okay?"
"What? Thomas can never think I'm an ass. He loves me," he said and I blushed, averting my gaze back out the window. I used a hand to cover it as best as I could. This was not the time, Thomas.
"HA, in your dreams, buddy. He loves me more. Kay?" And did they seriously started having an argument about who I loved more? Not sure whether I should've been giddy about it or just... just meh.
Definitely giddy I was, and how bad I hid it because Tori's smirk reached her eyes.
"If you say so," he said.
"I damn well do say so." These twins might've been the life of the party because they were the highlight of my night already. Those anxious nerves earlier dwindled to a size of a nut now and I felt better about myself and my expectations. I was going to party like the fool my father was in his prime and stop acting like a paradox.
As we reached Clarice Heights, which now reminded me more of Beverly Hills Heights – which also now made me believe it was a hotel actually, my bad – my jaw dropped. Chance drove through the street and met a stone pathway leading up to one of four big houses. Not mansions, per say, but houses able to fit a large family if needed be and I heard how many times Chris' extended family would come over and visit. Mostly his cousins. A friend of mine had a house like that because her family was huge.
"Wow. This is like a Hollywood house right here," I said in awe.
"Like... it's not even that big." Tori huffed. I was definitely at a loss of words and replied with nothing in return. I just gazed back at the reflective lights, illuminating visuals and the nice aesthetic appeal of a beige bricked house.
I don't think I'm in Clarence anymore...
A sensational yet nerve wracking shiver whisked through my body and my hair bristled. We parked alongside other cars, clearly telling me they were people here – as of the loud, blaring music screaming at the top of the house's roof was a confirmation either. Judging by the other screams and the excitement coursing through the vast, music filled air when we got out of the car, seemed like they had a blast so fast.
Another thought came to me as I stood before the grand doors was that I now knew the inspiration and the desire, besides his parents' careers, of why Chris wanted to be a businessman. If he was such a party boy like they tell me, someone who valued money who wanted pay off his family and friends for the years to come, it made so much more sense. Of course, he'd be the one who played with money and not with greed, but with generosity of giving back.
I hoped he made a difference and showed those back in Arizona how to deal with money the right way. They plucked too many apples from the tree.
"He's just lucky his parents are wealthy," Tori said, sighing.
"They deal with money, of course they are," Chance replied. "Come on, let's go."
I guessed Chance didn't realize and I paid no attention to the fluttering beats against my chest when he held my hand in his and coursed me through the entrance with Tori. A burst of screams and cheers and animal cries through the same blaring music send me back, or as I thought. Chance stood behind me, keeping my balance and Tori rolled her eyes. Though her smile said otherwise.
I bothered not worrying of the fact of what Chance did and instead panned around the crowded rooms of all sorts of cosplay and costumes, from horror flicks to actions movies and creative imagery. Then Chris came in sight, walking towards us, and Tori melted at the sight of a true, masked businessman. A two-faced mask, one side visible of his face and the other the hidden intention of a few ideals.
With wide arms and a huge toothed grin, he welcomed us in. "Welcome to my Halloween Bash! YEAH!" He fisted in the air and then his eyes stared in mine. "Ready to have some fun, Thomas?!"
"Yeah. Of course." The nut-sized nerves still unsettled but with Chance right behind me, my back against his body, it soon calmed quick and I composed myself. This was part of the reason, as I thought about quite a few times, that I wanted to explore something different with Chance.
"Mind if I take him from you guys? He's never seen or even been in my house before," Chris asked the two.
Tori nodded and Chance said, "Sure. But don't hog him the whole night."
"Yeah. Only I have those rights," Tori said
I came back in reality and distanced myself from Chance who surprised me still with his sudden shift in attitude and behaviour. Especially how he held my hand and held me close. Not that I minded that anyway, but what good would acts like those to do the feelings lurking inside? Just as I was getting to the point of where I'd be perfectly fine being friends, unravelling his mystery, loving him in a platonic sense, he had to go and do that to me. So I took the opportunity that presented itself to distance myself from him – for now.
Chris then escorted me around his playboy mansion, leaving Tori and Chance behind scrounging around for our friends. But I noted a slight wink Chris gave to Chance. Don't know why I noted it but I did and soon forgot when we first came to the basement, trudging through a crowd of ecstatic students.
Huge, filled with wild life of party animals. A rich basement, if you will, with rich furniture and rich crimson walls that complimented its mighty space. That's where the games laid and the slight dried paint on the walls. You could tell Chris exerted himself cleaning a house like this. Alone for that matter. My God.
But on the TV screen of a few boys and girls playing, it looked like they were playing Road Warrior and Hot Pursuit, two games I played so long ago. Ah, the memories of the good ol days as kids where the hardest decision was choosing what crayon to colour with. At least, one of the hardest. And them stolen crayons, though!
Our basement, my family's, was never like this. Quite small, actually. But the amount of the levels as kids Tori, Josh and I transformed it into left a longing mark in my memories. Comparing my old house to this, it would fit twice. My new one, it'd probably fit twice, too, just with a little less space between its walls. The next location was outside, his jungle. A freaking guitar shaped pool? Not huge, but a normal sixed. But are you kidding me? I almost died at the sight, just the whole view of his jungle reminded how the jungle Mikayla and I imagined in my backyard.
Maybe I exaggerated a little bit but my parents could never afford this, not on Arizona's standards and while I felt a sense of jealousy, I really didn't care. Some people were loaded and others weren't. Some had rights and others were to come. It was just the way of life and if I got worked up over others being wealthier than I was, especially in the serene, solitary backyard, hating them, then I wouldn't have met such an awesome guy.
He also had two living rooms, if you could believe it. Like, damn. The same friend, Tanisha, had it, too.
We reached upstairs, presumably to his room and I just had to comment on his house. "You should be on Much TV Cribs."
"That's what I've been saying. But everyone's all like, you're not normal for TV," he said. "They will learn."
I chuckled as we entered the room, slightly bigger than mine. "They'd dedicate a whole episode to you anyway." I sat myself on the edge of his bed, panning around for all the confirmation that this was his and he walked back and forth slowly. What was on his mind now? Was this it?
When he checked his phone, her quirked a brow and turned to me. "Do you mind staying here till I'm back?" he asked. "I want to show you something. You and Tori are the only ones who don't know yet." Now he peeked my interest.
Actually, he more than peeked it, he intrigued a deep curiosity and even when I cocked my head, scrunching my eyebrows, I nodded.
"Okay, cool. I'll be right back." And he left, closing the door. But he came back for one second. "Remember what I said a few weeks ago about taking risks? Tonight's the night. Just go with it." And gone again. The difference sound from here and outside was immense. It was like he soundproofed his room and for this exact reason. I wouldn't even be surprised if he did that. I would too if I knew I was hosting blockbuster parties like this with a total of five friends plus guest and wanted to be alone for a while.
But I more wondered about what he wanted Tori and I to know and that damn risk I couldn't really bring myself to take. I laid back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling and began thinking in the solitude he left me in. Going over my own thoughts for once just for the sake of clearing up my own confusion, cleaning my sanity and readying to flee from my nerves once I got started on the party.
But... now that I thought about it... did Chance like me? Did he like men? The only other reason for Chris to tell me to take a risk, knowing without me telling him of my feelings, was that hint towards Chance's attraction to me or something? Just the pure, simple thought racked up a few hard beats in my chest and my face reddened to a soft peak.
Here I went again with the confusion and the thin patience because I was eager to know what he wanted to show me.
Huh... Dammit, Thomas...
"So you're really gonna do it now. You're not going to back away and coil up again, right?"
"No... I'm gonna do it." I paused, going over my own thoughts. "I want to explore something different with Thomas... see where it goes, where I go. But I don't know... I'm a little scared. I just don't wanna get rejected cause, who knows, he may not be into me anymore – and I wouldn't blame him."
"But Chris is so sure," Levy said. "Go in blunt." His expressions, his readiness, this was why I loved him and Chris.
"I say be all romantic," Andrew added. He came to the party before I did since I invited him and he already got to know Chris and Levy. I caught him up with my situation. "Kiss him. That's blunt and romantic." He sort of burped out a chuckle, continuing to drink down his glass of Buzlighter.
"Or how bout you don't do shit and you let him find another capable man." The voice drew from a distance from the kitchen's entrance and in came a smug look I readied myself to wipe off. "You can get any other man you want with a body like that – and a brain."
Now his colours, his feelings, his selfish jealousy beating at my patience another time. So I asked, "Why does it fucking matter? If Thomas doesn't want you back, understand that. You can get any other man and a woman with your looks so don't starting with that bullshit."
Andrew tapped on my shoulder and nudged towards the back of the house. Then he leaned over and cocked his head at Levy and said, "Let's just talk outside." So we did. Levy and I followed Andrew out, leaving the bastard in the kitchen until the annoyance followed.
Once we were outside, away from the party but near a few peers gathered around the pool, I turned to him. "How about you understand something, Leone... let Thomas be happy with someone else – and it may not be me – but let him." My anger ran real thick these days. "You still haven't changed." We all thought he did, we all thought he left his high school days behind him and became a changed man we loved.
"I've changed a lot, actually, but of course with you wallowing in depression you couldn't see it."
"You still blaze, don't you? You still probably hook up with the same bitch you cheated with on Thomas and like I said, you're still a selfish, arrogant prick. So tell me again, tell us, how much you've changed," I said and he shifted, drifting his gaze down for a moment. I knew I was right. But something else pricked a different nerve, something I had to get out of my chest over all this. "Now listen... I still don't wanna lose you over a guy we like. You've been there for me like I've been for you. So let's stop with this bullshit because you're mad and selfish."
I turned my back against him, breathing, hoping he considered my words but I didn't need to deal with this over a lot of over things my fucked up my thoughts and my mind as a whole. But then I heard a glass break and when I faced him, a fist flew fast in my face. My balance staggered and I regained myself thereafter and realized the fist belonged to Leone. A true bastard now. He'd honestly ruin a friendship all because of a second chance he'd never have. That's what I called pathetic and there reigned the thick thread of anger built up inside and I tackled him down to the ground.
The repercussions of my aftermath were not even a last minute thing on my mind. It didn't exist. I readied to batter his face in for the fact my anger was not only on him and it just snapped... so fast and easy and I couldn't think about how it'd go or what kind of animal I'd be in front of the monster who killed me.
Kayla came running up, screaming her pleads before I went in and just her voice snapped me out and calmed my heart and anger. I looked at her lost eyes, a moment Leone took to kick me off of him and gather on his feet as did I. She examined him with her fingers, the level of worry dawned over her pretty hard. Those two were really close, closer since high school ended and they always got together every time. No matter how close she was to me, she'd be closer to him and right then and there, I tension eased and straightened my back, cocking my head at the sight of them.
For as long as I knew her, she was this sweet, flirtatious girl who played it safe and battled her own little demons. She was horny a lot of the times, like any average person our age and I comforted her pain a lot of nights. But never, have I ever, thought she was a heartbreaker, a deceitful little girl who Tori called. She lied to me about that and now I couldn't believe to think she lied about many more.
Those people who came to me; Bentley, Tori, Marissa, Julie and many more were right. They were right how blinded by her I was because of her own pain, because I saw her as a sister like my own.
Wow... just wow.
"You knew..." I pointed at her. "You knew... and yet you went and did it anyway."
She looked confusion, probably with it a lot of times and now I saw right through it. The way someone's personality shines through another, the way they act and talk and compose themselves around another says a lot about their history, their past, their relationship together and this talked about a lot more. The more I saw...
"What are you talking about?" she asked. "Why were you two fighting? Everybody's watching." And yes they were. I cared rather less about that and once it seemed like everything was perfectly fine, everyone went back to normal. Though a few eyes locked on.
Levy left some time in between as he wasn't around.
I've told her the truth since the beginning and she decided it wasn't worth enough to share hers. So I demanded. "How many more men and women have you hurt, Kayla? Huh? When were you going to me about any of them?"
She closed our distance, assumedly tricking me with those eyes of hers. "Chance... I've never hurt anyone. You know that better than anyone." Her voice would always dip a little sultry when telling the truth.
"That's kind of hard to believe right now..."
"But-"
"Okay, whoa, what's going on here?" someone asked and I looked up behind her too see Chris, next to Levy. Tori tagged along, too. Those two looked a bit winded and the party just began.
Until all this shit had to happen.
Kayla turned and looked shocked. "Nothing." But Chris scanned the situation that enveloped around us, noticing Leone's awkward shifts and glaring eyes. So I knew he picked up on her little lie – one of many, I bet.
Couldn't believe Leone kept shut this whole time, watching.
"Leone's being an ass and Kayla..." I paused. Years we've known each other. Years that could be compared to the likes of Tori and Thomas' relationship, closely linking together that they were basically similar in all strands. But those strands broke piece by piece and only a few remained and I wondered if she'd own up to her lies, and why she ever played with a taken man. It now made sense she wasn't even playing around with me – she really had feelings she couldn't let go, by how her eyes avoided mine now and she stood off to the side, calling someone.
Almost made me feel bad. She, and all my boys, were everything and to lose her hit a hard spot in my heart. She's been there for so long and to see this relationship break... what else did the world have to offer? Where's all the good I lived for because I got was more and more anger, a killing depression and conflicted, fluxed feelings and emotions. For a split second I honestly considered taking my razor again, feeling the grip loosen in my hand, the sharp blade of its head kissing my skin and then there would be a peaceful black.
I... I regrouped my thoughts and understood again, reassured myself through and through for the prolonged amount of silence between my last words and my stuttered breathing. I wanted a chance at a relationship before I died, the feeling of a different kind of love I got from my family. I wanted my parents to know and understand and cope with me like these guys had done. I wanted to tell Thomas and let him in my life, hold him close and see where my life went after that.
I didn't want to remember the moments with those two... Anthony and Shane who were coming back – and I needed to decide whether I'm man up and call out their names or referred to them as something else. My life would only work, right now, if I made the conscious choice of bettering my wellbeing, for what benefited me. And starting with Thomas... it had to start with him first. Then my parents.
Then I'd face my fears with those I loved comforting me.
I glared at Leone for a second before Chris dragged me back in the house, away from the internet's eyes. Tori followed alongside Andrew and Levy. I first went into the secluded kitchen, with a few getting drinks, hollering at us and patting Chris on the back before getting back to dance floor. From the fridge I pulled out a Kayak and I might one day get sick of the drink. Probably not.
Tori popped out her hip and crossed her arms. "So what happened?"
I sighed. The truth carried a lot of weight now and needed to be let out. Especially my feelings for her best friend. If I was going to do it today, if he was the first start... then I needed to grow some heavy balls right now, calm the feared nerves and just do it.
"Levy and I were talking about how I'd ask Thomas out and Leone came in acting like he owned him, like he had another chance," I said. Then I took one hard at her flashed confusion. "You knew... you knew Leone and Thomas dated, didn't you?"
When she sighed and avoided my eyes, it came clear. Everything came clear. "Yes... I did. So what?" She shrugged.
"So what?" I repeated. "Why didn't anyone else know this?"
"Because it wasn't my secret to tell, anyway. Was I supposed to out the guy in high school? No. He did tell you about liking guys, didn't he?"
"Yeah, but clearly lying about the fact he dated Thomas, cheated on him with Kayla and you still went on like you respected him."
She leaned in on the counter and shook her head. "Because he was ashamed of it, dumbass. And then you had to like Thomas and he couldn't it anymore."
I began to cross my arms because things were pushing past my limit right now. "Oh, yeah. He waited like three, four years to just not do it anymore. It doesn't make sense why he hates me for liking Thomas. He's a prick."
"Well would you calm down? You have no idea what his feelings were or how he felt."
"What the fuck are you talking about>! You should've been the first one to beat his ass for it."
"And I did! But I learned he made a mistake, because he learned. Okay! I'm sorry that I'd rather have him than you as my best friend's husband."
The air fell into solitude and went over her words again and again, analyzing them for the hidden truth she laid beneath them. Everything always seemed to go back to him. And I wouldn't blame it for happening but... I just knew she held a grudge. "This isn't about Bentley... is it?" And my emotional stability for that matter.
She took a deep breath. "I'm a cautious person..."
I breathed. "Fucking hell..." I turned my back against her, rested my hands on the counter with my head held low. She held this grudge and pushed me away from ever liking any one of her guy friends. I realized this now, every time I found of her friends attractive and how she'd always dismissed the fact they were into woman. But not Thomas, everyone here knew he dated men, but she would've played it off like he never liked me if it came to it. If she knew I liked him.
"I'm sorry that I don't want to lose anyone else because her dumbass twin isn't in the least emotionally stable."
It was never going to be like last time... I'd never let it happen again. "... It was never going to be like last time... I never did that to him. He pissed me off and I only reacted on impulse as any sane person would do." Talking through a slight blubbering mouth was hard.
"Yeah, right. Sane. Any sane person would've given him the time of day, but you... you wouldn't because you were too hung up over Anthony when I tried helping you let it go. So, please, please tell me how it wasn't your fault."
Her rheumy blues were the first I saw, the first I saw my reflecting in them, how I wore the same eyes. "I knew you kept a grudge for that, and you know what... I'm sorry. But when you've been in the situation I was put into, then you'd understand. And even prior to... to Anthony, I just wasn't interested and couldn't force myself to be. Bentley wanted something I couldn't never give him. Do you not understand that?" One chance I had, one great opportunity and she wanted it dead. Wanted to blame me like I blamed myself for so long over what happened. No, no more.
I continued, "Now I have the chance to give something to Thomas that Leone couldn't. He is the start... he doesn't really know the story and if things work out, and I'm more than comfortable around him, loving him, than I'd tell him. And then maybe I'd build up enough courage to tell mom and dad, so you can't tell me you don't want that for me..."
She fell in the air's solitude, her eyes avoiding mine again. I looked for the guys but they stood off to the side, not bothering intervening or saying anything and lived in the solitude, too. A few peers from school passed by and even when they saw our eyes, they said nothing and kept moving on. This was hard for me. I wished I knew why this burning sensation clutched around my heart, cluttered my stomach and brewed these tears.
I was tired of my own mistakes and neither would I repeat them. Hopefully not ever. "I'm not going to make the same mistake... and if Bentley was still alive today... I would've, without a doubt, given him what he wanted for a short amount of time before he would've flown to York City to pursue his acting and writing. And then, if I met Thomas or some other guy, I'd give them my all-knowing Bentley would've found a guy who loved him in way I never could. But I did love him like you and I'm sorry..."
Without a single word of rebuttal or another cry, she rushed in and drew her arms around me, clenching tight. The simple, sweet act of my sister's love and sympathy compelled my arms to hold her close and feel comforted. Like those days, throughout three years.
"If you ever... and I mean ever... hurt him in any way, I'm going to ring your balls, cut your dick off and then beat your ass to a pulp," she said and my smirk grew. Same Tori as always, even when in tears and angry and sad all at once. And I agreed to her claims.
"Chance..." Chris called my attention. "Thomas is up my room. He's probably wondering where I went so you should get up there now before he leaves looking for me."
"Alright," I said to him. Tori left my embrace then and I chugged my Kayak before saying, "thank you," to Tori and left. This was my opportunity.
My start.
I missed half of the part, what it felt like right now. Waiting, sitting, staying. Going over the fact Leone carried feelings, Chance carried feelings, Chris knew and wanted me to take that risk with him and midterms weren't going to be a walk in a park. More like a walk through a jungle like Chris' backyard. I already assured myself they were all true and what I'd do. Leone and I weren't getting back together, don't think we would. Chance... I felt a bit more ready exploring a relationship with a new man after all this time staying single and learning myself. Slowly, but surely, we'd explore, if I worked up the vagina to ask him out.
Tori had said vagina were tougher and took more beatings so... but in all seriousness, unless Chance did it first, would I have the voice to say yes? Actually, what kind of question was that? Of course not. I've never had a guy ask me out, let alone me asking them out since before Leone and sometime during, but it felt weird. Sure I'd be awkward getting back into a relationship blind and new again and Chance's emotional stability was a factor I considered, so yeah, it'd feel pretty weird.
But I knew I would because I'd want to learn more about him, help him like his family did and have my own personal tutor. Because Lord knows damn well how much of a failure these midterms would make of me. Starting Monday I had tests in all courses, preparing us for the midterm exams coming in about Late November to early December and I wasn't ready in the least bit.
Ms. Argent has said there were to be some practical tests here and there throughout November. While for Mr. Bennett's class, I think, we'd take a day off and explore around, talking to real psychologists and I found that really interesting. Certainly something fun.
But man did it bore me thinking over everything again waiting for Chris. How long did it take the man to return? What did he have to show me? I needed to know! So desperately! So I got up on my feet because no way I'd wait even longer.
Then the door opened and after a heavy sigh of relief, I said, "Chris..." my voice trailed off when the man in sight looked nothing like him. "Oh, you're not Chris... you're Chance..." Yes, Thomas, that is Chance. Right there in front of me with a damning grin. Though it looked confused of itself.
"Yeah... I am Chance. A Chance..." Weird how I saw my own awkwardness in him. Then he moved in a bit more, closing the door behind and seemed like his next thoughts were trapped somehow. I wanted to speak up, too, using this chance but nothing came out but muttered breaths.
In his eyes, a clear, ocean like blue lost entirely at what he said, or mumbled or the faint blood stain under his nose I overlooked. I searched in them for a bit of courage, but so close did I note what a beautiful imagery his eyes painted. Tori got bored of how many times I complimented her own but the way it dims or brightens or corrects to a certain mood like most colours fascinated me. It made this mysterious, intelligent man even more so beautiful – a rather winning bonus besides his body.
I couldn't even believe myself right now. Say something. Say anything. Get the conversation started and going do something. I lacked self-initiative a lot of the times, like with Jamal and a few other crushes I luckily wasn't embarrassed in front. I made a big deal about my feelings for nothing when they were just the starting point of something bigger if I wanted to explore deeper and yes, I really wanted that with this man. I felt ready and still nothing came out.
Not even for him and I was curious on what his next words were to be. But then it seemed like he composed himself. He licked his lips and sealed them straight and the minute a finger of his curled under my chin and his warmth latched around my waist, drawing me closer, I was so sure I was going to die from a heart attack. So very sure it killed me so very good inside.
The nerve-wracking organ shivered my body and everything inside my mind fell flat, blank. No time to breathe and relax. No time to collect any sort of thought of what just happened and no thought to move a muscle a second those lips warmed mine.
So soft and gentle. Like a baby's bottom, and not like I kissed a baby's bottom... okay, maybe I did, but that was my brother and one time. So don't judge me. Judge him for such a blunt act I found somewhat romantic in a weird way. Don't ask me how because I had no answer. I asked myself that already. But the sweet act so blunt like this closed my eyes almost immediately and my awkward muscles were conflicted whether to touch his waist, hold his waist or even back away.
Not so much of a pure magical moment, but rather a simple, awkward kiss so sweet and warm that I fell in his embrace. What was I supposed to do when your mind shuts down around the person you crushed so hard on? Why did I even still have thoughts? What?
"Oh, shit. Well... I have condoms in the drawer so... clean yourselves up after. Make my room spotless and don't go moaning so loud, my rooms not much soundproofed." A voice broke the kiss and relief dawned on me. I felt a second longer and it'd turn awkward. But when I peered past Chance who turned his head smiling, Chris stood in the doorway with a mischievous grin.
"Oh, fuck off," Chance said and Chris just dropped to the floor laughing, following by a couple more laughs from a distance from him.
Tori, Levy... Jared, Josh and Mikayla, too? They were all laughing.
"Give them space," some guy I didn't recognize his voice said.
"Okay, I'm sorry. I just had to," Chris said before closing the door again and here came the awkward, exchanged look between Chance and I.
I took in the faint blood stain a second now, carefully look at it and bought a finger to touch. Either I was changing subjects or... I was changing subjects. "What happened...?" Still can't believe I overlooked it the first time.
"Just a reminder that... that I want this. I want to explore something with you, taking it slow because I like you. A lot and, uh... I-I'm just really new to this," he said, low and husky and again ear curling. Did I need to go to the doctors? Clearly. "And if you want this, too... uh, I'd like to know."
A usual thing I did in situations like this, or rather similar in style was that I always thought about it. I took the time to think about my choices, waiting for my own answer but not this time. Still no words found a voice, but I leaned and pecked his lips because... I so wanted to do that first.
Words or a voice or even a simple action had no words for my excitement and fear and the little insecurities brewing up inside. But I felt ready and happy and nervous and still a paradox right now. It didn't matter anyway. It happened. It happened today, on this night, at a party and I beamed a little more than shades of happiness.
A damning grin shined again and then his expression fell into curiosity by the looks of it. "If you don't mind, I'd like to know what happened with you and Leone."