Knocking on Millie's door, I hear a loud groan and an ear-splitting cry; my best friend pulls the door open, and my eyes widen in shock. Her hair is tied up in what was probably a bun hours ago, but now most of her mane has escaped the hair tie; she looks pale and dark circles accentuate her dull hazel eyes. Amelia is wearing Nick's training trousers and an oversized shirt with a huge stain of vomit down her front, which tells me she has had a rough morning. I walk in and throw my arms around her, tightening my grip while Joy shrills in the background. When she pulls back, I reach for the bassinet and pick up the crying little princess, shushing her in my arms.
"I don't know what to do anymore," Millie whispers blinking back the tears, "she's been crying since Nick left this morning. I haven't had a shower, or breakfast for that matter." She looks away, but a lonely tear runs down her cheek, and I wipe it away with my thumb. She lowers her head down to my shoulder, and I rub soothing circles on her scalp.
"Mill, this is tough shit, alright? You're doing amazing."
"She doesn't like me," she sobs, and I press the side of my face on the top of her head.
"Don't be silly, she loves you! You're the best mama," I almost shout, "this is what we're going to do; you go and have a shower, fully relax and I will look after her."
Her pupils dilate at the suggestion, "Really?"
"Yeah, shoo. Off you go."
While Millie locks herself in the bathroom, I head over to the kitchen and prepare a bottle for Joy who is still pouting and wriggling in my arms. She chugs half of it down as if she had been starving -which she hadn't, I promise-, and I have to pace her feed, so she doesn't get sick. I burp her and then I change her nappy, swapping her onesie for a fresh one. Once she is clean and fed, I place her in a baby wrap, and she snuggles close to me surrendering to sleep while I wipe the countertops and wash the dishes in the sink. When I hear the hairdryer being switched on, I know Amelia is almost done so I start chopping some fresh fruit in a plate and fill the kettle with water to make us tea. I drop two waffles in the toaster and spread a thick layer of hazelnuts cream on it before pouring the boiling water into the mugs and placing everything on the kitchen island.
"Eat," I order when she appears in the kitchen.
Amelia does as asked -so different from her brother, I might add- and she throws small strawberry pieces on her waffle before biting into it. "Thank you," she says looking at me and chewing the huge bite she has just taken, "I really needed that."
"Next time don't be silly and ring me, yeah?" I kind of reprimand her as I lift the mug to my lips. She simply nods yes, her eyes shut as she swallows and moans, satisfied with her breakfast. She is so hungry, she inhales the food and does not leave any crumbs behind.
Millie gulps what has been left of her tea before crossing her arms in front of her and piercing my soul with her hazel eyes, more vibrant now. "Spill," she prods me to talk, "what dilemma has brought you to my humble abode today?"
I try to keep a straight face, but I fail; she is so theatrical. "Alright, listen up," I start, "I met somebody."
She holds up her hand to stop me from talking. "Excuse me?" she exclaims.
"Hey, don't be so surprised! Even I can meet somebody! Well, actually, it was Jay who introduced us; his name is Sam."
"That does sound more like it. So, how is Sam?" Amelia singsongs.
"He is... really handsome and sweet," I admit bowing my head down.
"But..."
How does she know there is a but?
"But," I remark shooting her a side-eye, "I have been having these weird exchanges with someone else, and every time that happens, I can feel the butterflies flutter in my stomach and my heart racing, and I haven't felt the same with Sam. He is caring and he compliments me all the time, which is flattering, but maybe I should feel different?"
"How many dates have you been on?"
"One," I admit.
Millie glares at me, throwing her arms in the air in despair. "Lily, what do you expect? Not everyone connects deeply with another person straightaway; that is completely normal. It may be a slow burn kind of love rather than a wildfire."
"What if it is wildfire with the other person?" I ask, feeling the worry in my tone and avoiding eye contact.
My best friend's eyes dart around the room before settling back on me as she leans forward, resting on her forearms, "do I know this other person?"
I feel my heart sink. I have never lied to Amelia; she knows everything that has ever happened in my life, from my mad crush on Jesse McCartney when I was thirteen -which is still going strong, if you ask me- to my failed dancing career, from being my coffee buddy to my gynae buddy. She is my ride or die, and there isn't a secret we haven't shared but, right now, I cannot find the right words to tell her that yes, she knows the other person because it's her brother. What if she gets upset? What if this silly feeling ruins our friendship? What if it drives a wedge between her and Jay? I could never forgive myself. I cannot be honest; I have to lie.
"No, it's someone from the hospital...we have been working together for a while now."
"Has this guy expressed any interest?"
"Not with so many words... or any at all. I mean, I love the banter for sure, but I just feel safe around him, it's weird. I feel I can be my goofy, bizarre self around him, and he doesn't judge me or forces me to act in a certain way. He's kissed me a couple of times, and I could feel this heat building up in the pit of my stomach that I could not control, taking over my senses and my better judgement."
Millie cocked her head, "wait, he kissed you while you were working?"
"No! It was during...breaks?" What? I know, I am putting myself in a sticky situation.
"Whatever, Lil. Regardless of when or how it happened, you have these feelings for somebody else; now, you have to decide if you want to move forward with this colleague, if it's actually worth it, or if you would like to explore where this path with Sam could lead you."
I look down at my niece, observing her chest moving up and down at regular intervals. "If only it were that easy, Mills."
Amelia shakes her head and takes my hands into hers. "Lilith, it's never easy. When it comes to love, everything is so unpredictable, and that's the beauty of it, but there is one thing I need to tell you, and I want you to think about it. Don't settle for somebody because they are a safer choice, or to fill a void; take risks. Will your heart get broken? Possibly, but I will be here, helping you to glue the pieces together. I know you want to protect your heart, you always have, but don't choose a person because they are sweet, and would fit well in your life, because I know that is what you are thinking. Does this colleague of yours make your heart race and leave you breathless? Embrace it. You need to love Lily, you deserve it, and you can only do it if you make yourself vulnerable."
I blink a few times trying to keep the tears from spilling. She is right, and I am aware of it; at 28, I have never had a serious relationship because I have never let myself get attached to anybody to safeguard my heart. It had already shuttered many times through the years, and I didn't want it to happen again because of a guy. I ended up building a wall that was proving hard to dismantle, and, probably, I have not even managed to remove the first brick yet. I just nod and let the topic drop because I have a lot to think about.
Three hours later, we are chilling on the sofa and scrolling social media when the doorbell rings. When Millie opens the door, Jay appears from behind it, surprising the both of us.
"I wasn't expecting you," Millie states as she steps aside to let him in.
He holds a fast-food bag in front of him, "I thought I would have lunch with my three favourite ladies."
We sit on the floor in the living room and dig into the bags while Joy is still snoring in my arms.
"I don't know how long it has been since I haven't had my boobs out while eating."
"Ew," Jay grimaces looking away, "that is something I didn't need to know, Amelia."
Millie rolls her eyes at her brother before doubling down, "Oh, c'mon. I use them to feed my daughter, not you."
"Gross," he shakes his head trying to erase the picture, "I am never having food at your house ever again."
When we are finished, we start cleaning up but the little princess in the wrap starts wriggling, grabbing my attention. She scrunches her nose, and her arms fly in all the directions before landing her fists in her mouth; she is clearly starving. I pour the breastmilk Millie has just pumped in a bottle, and I walk to the couch to feed her. Amelia, sitting on the recliner, yawns and stretches her arms above her head.
"Why don't you take a nap? I've got this, and Jay can help me," I suggest.
"You don't have to tell me twice," she agrees and pulls a lever that lets the back down and the footrest up. In a few seconds, she is out.
Joy laces her little fingers on her chest as she swallows her warm milk, her eyes heavy. Jesse sits next to me on the sofa, throwing his arm around my shoulders as he rests his chin on the top of my head. We sit in comfortable silence for a while, the room only filled by our breathing and Joy's sucking on the teat.
"Will you let me hold her today?" Jay questions tilting his head back so he can look me in the eyes.
"Nope," I reply while tapping her back to help her burp, "I am her favourite, sorry."
Jay shakes his head smirking; he pulls me closer so that my head is nestled in the crook of his neck and my legs are lying over his. Joy is content and snuggled in my arms again, entertaining herself as Jay caresses the side of my arm with the tip of his fingers.
"How was your date with Sam?" he asks twirling a lock of my hair around his finger.
My eyes don't leave the baby in my arms as I answer, "it was good. He's really...sweet. We share many values and dreams, it's almost like he's been made for me."
"Are you going to see him again?"
I don't answer straightaway, but I can feel his gaze burning through my skull. "May be," I finally manage to say.
Jay brings my body closer to his, his hands settling on my thighs, "I don't think you should," he declares averting his eyes.
I am taken aback by what he has just said; Sam has been nothing but a gentleman, and Jay doesn't really have a leg to stand on, but I press him anyways. "Why?" I ask leaning back so I can look at his face. He runs a hand through his brown hair, tousling it as he passes, before his glistening green eyes return on me.
"I just don't think you should," he shrugs.
I spin my leg off him, jumping up from the couch but keeping my niece secured in my arms. "I have always listened to your advice, Jay," I point out, "but this makes no sense, I am sorry. Why don't you want me to date him?"
"I just don't think you should," he repeats.
"That's not how it works, Jesse. You can't just tell me that I shouldn't date somebody because you just don't think I should," I mock him, "especially not after the other night. Stop messing with me."
He finally snaps his head around, locking his eyes into mine. The person in front of me is not my best friend; his breathing his laboured, his eyes have darkened and he seems possessed by a fire that is being fuelled by gasoline whereas his clenched fists shake next to his body. In one long stride, he is barely an inch away from me; his lips are tight and his nostrils flare with each breath and I can help but gulp. The air around us is tense and I can feel the electricity run through both of our bodies, but neither of us moves until the baby in my arms wails, breaking the trance. Jesse glares at me one last time before rushing out of the flat, slamming the door behind him. I rock Joy in my arms, shushing her as a tear breaks free and rolls down my cheek; why am I even being emotional?
"Are you sure I don't know the other guy?" Millie asks, her voice still laced with sleep.
Busted.
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Love, Izzy.