I'm left alone to tear myself apart
Jisung was avoiding Hayun.
He came to the awful realisation that she must like him, he didn't know how though...they barely talked.
He was so aware of his surroundings now at the company, thinking she'd somehow be there at every turn he makes.
He thought about what Chenle said, he was right in the fact no other person has acted so outright and confident with him.
Even though Jisung had spoken to female idols and some trainees, it was different because they were more reserved and the conversation only happened when it needed to.
Now there was Hayun, he had began noticing her more frequently and his head told him to walk the other way. For one, he didn't like how she acted like they were close friends, two he didn't want to give her the wrong impression.
Did he make it seem like he was interested? How does any of this work...he had never been in this position before. What was he supposed to do?
Should he tell her to leave him alone?
Should he tell her in advance that he doesn't like her?
Renjun last night wondered if the new girl was doing okay, he voiced about his own experiences joining the group when it was already established.
Jisung could see his point but from his perspective, Hayun's emotions didn't seem so turbulent and she attended practice casually. He would see her strolling in with her headphones on and sometimes he would see her leaving in the same state.
In everyone's eyes Hayun was doing okay, she seemed fine.
Even though it would take a while to adjust, Hayun didn't get upset or visibly emotional during practices. From an outside point of view, she was pretty determined and headstrong.
It didn't seem like a lot would tear her down, even if she got scolded she didn't let it affect her.
That's what everyone else thinks, in reality Hayun was already tearing down.
It was pretty hard for her but she wasn't one to display it for others to see. Maybe that's why the others thought she was doing okay.
She didn't even fit in properly with the group and Hayun hadn't had much of a problem in her life with fitting in with others. She found it easy to just make friends and now she felt stuck in this situation.
Everytime she did try to hang out with them, she felt like she couldn't join in with the conversation because most of the time she wasn't there when things happened.
Hayun didn't know of the things they shared together like their memories or just gossip. Even though they didn't try to leave her out, Hayun had no idea who the other people in their lives are that they talk about.
As Hayun was walking into the building and greeted the usual security guard, her name was being called from behind her. She paused and turned around, her expression brightening up at the sight of someone familiar.
It was Doyun, a trainee she got close to. Hayun practiced a lot with Minji and some way through it all, she met Doyun too. They were all around the same age and got through the hard practices together.
Doyun was happy to see the girl, they hadn't had chance to see each other much after Hayun joined Everlast.
"Doyun, hey!" She beamed, immediately moving towards him and leaning up on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around his neck. "It's been so long."
"I know." He replied, hugging her back pretty immediately. "How have you been?"
Their hug lingered for a few seconds, Hayun felt really happy to see him it brought her ease. All of this debut stuff felt so confusing and unfamiliar, she was happy to have some familiarity with her right now because it gave her ease.
"Isn't that her?" Chenle asked, nodding over in the direction of the said girl Jisung was going to start avoiding.
It was her, she pulled away from the hug and gazed up at that boy with the biggest smile Jisung has seen her show.
"Maybe next time she comes to you...just tell her you feel uncomfortable when she does that." Chenle suggested after hearing Jisung out.
"But...how am I meant to say it to her?" He shuddered at the thought of having slight confrontation.
"Say what?" Jaemin came out of nowhere it seemed like, standing with the two youngest.
"Um, nothing." Jisung said quickly, trying to act cool but Chenle rolled his eyes and started to walk to the practice room.
"To tell Hayun to leave him alone."
"What!" Jaemin exclaimed, mouth dropped as he turned to look at a scared Jisung. "Why would you do that? She isn't bothering you, she's just being nice!"
Jisung looked scared by the outburst from Jaemin, nervously twisting the friendship ring on his finger.
"But...she acts like we're friends when we aren't." Jisung tried to reason but Jaemin stared at him.
"She's being friendly." Jaemin said, it was obvious to him. "Why don't you be friends with her?"
"Me?" Jisung's eyes widened, pointing to himself. How was he meant to be friends with her?
He shook his head, that thought was too absurd. Jisung could barely make friends with other idols his age, how was he meant to just be friends with this confident, outgoing girl who was basically the opposite of him?
Jisung would've started shuddering if it wasn't for Jaemin sending him disappointed glares.
"You." He began, finger on Jisung's chest. "Are not a child, don't be rude to the girl. She's new, she just wants to make friends."
"But why me!" Jisung exclaimed exasperated. It made no sense, out of everyone why would she want to be friends with him. Surely she noticed that he couldn't even string proper replies, he wasn't much of a contender for being her friend.
Plus, there's many other people she could be friends with. Like Jaemin, he seemed to like her so why not him?
"Or she has a crush on you and wants to get to know you?" Chenle suggested, sauntering past the two as he headed towards the practice room.
Jisung's face paled.
Now what? What do I do now?
Jaemin sighed heavily and muttered something about there being no hope for him, following Chenle into the practice room.
Jisung was stood in the hallway, now feeling very conflicted. He had never been in this situation, what was he supposed to do?
Ignore her?
Avoid her?
Jisung nodded to himself, he was facing the wall next to the practice room door as he was thinking.
Yes...I'll just try to avoid her and then she'll move on to trying to be friends with someone else
"What are we looking at?" Jisung nearly had a heart attack when he heard a voice right next to him. It was Hayun, his eyes widened a little and heart dropping.
She was stood next to him, hands clasped behind her back while leaning forward a little, squinting at the wall.
"Are you communicating with the wall? Can I join?" She tilted her head, looking up at him.
Jisung wondered if all she did was joke around, also why was she everywhere?
He looked away from her, glancing at the wall then realising how stupid he must've looked. Now he started panicking.
"Um, uh...I'm not. I'm just..." he motioned to his practice room door. Immediately, he moved towards it, opening it and without another word, he rushed into it with the door closing behind him.
Hayun was left alone in the hallway and she looked at the door he just escaped into, a small chuckle left her, amused.
She glanced at the wall, wondering why he seemed so deep in thought. Maybe she should've left him to think, but when she saw him she kept getting the urge to speak to him.
His reactions were now predictable but Hayun found it pretty cute, he was tall and could look intimidating from afar with his hood pulled up and headphones in but like this, he was the complete opposite and was shy.
Hayun turned around, about to walk into her practice room but noticed Hana was coming up the stairs.
Hana and Hayun were the same age, just a few months in between them. Hana was a great dancer, honestly she was incredible and Hayun felt envious of this.
When she started walking down the hallway, she must've noticed Hayun outside the room waiting. Hana smiled, putting her phone away.
"Hey, good morning." Hana greeted, Hayun reciprocating with her own smile.
"Morning, did you girls just get here?" Hayun asked, knowing they came together.
The two entered the empty practice room and Hana shook her head.
"I came alone, the other girls weren't ready yet. They should be coming soon."
It wasn't exactly time for practice, Hayun just usually got there earlier nowadays.
"Oh, okay. How's the dorm situation?" Hayun asked, unsure if she should even bring up Minhee. "Did it all get sorted out?"
It felt weird talking about the girl she was replacing. Hana groaned, clearly frustrated.
"It's so annoying, the girls keep arguing about Minhee. She keeps like...crying and stuff."
"Crying about what?" Hayun asked, wondering what exactly happened. "Wait...why did she like get kicked out?"
"Oh you don't know?" Hana scrunched her nose up, unaware that Hayun didn't know.
She shook her head.
"Oh, so basically. Do you know Haechan from Nct?" She began and Hayun nodded.
"They trained together when they were younger and recently Minhee found out about his girlfriend Haeri and basically got all jealous and was harassing her for dating him."
"What?" Hayun was so shocked. "Why would she harass her?"
"Because...ugh, it's always been this big thing that Minhee likes him. She was just bitter that his girlfriend wasn't her."
"Wow. That's so..." Hayun trailed off.
"Crazy? Yeah I know. Minhee hurt Haeri and said a bunch of things and she got kicked out. She isn't staying at the dorm anymore but she comes and visits often because I guess the group is the closest people to her." Hana explained.
"Oh, so she's moved out?"
"Yeah basically, but some of her stuff is there because she keeps saying the moving van is getting delayed." Hana scoffed. "Which is a lie, I think she just doesn't want to leave."
Hayun wasn't really sure what to say because Minhee needed to move out before she could even move into the dorms.
"You all must be close to her though, I know it's weird for me to say because I'm taking her place kinda...but are you okay?"
Hana's smiled seemed bittersweet, nose scrunched a little. Her hand came out to rest on the side of Hayun's arm.
"I'm okay...but what about you? How do you feel about the situation?"
The question wasn't one she was expecting, becoming increasingly flustered internally.
"I'm okay, I mean...I guess the situation is a bit weird right now because I'm not living with you guys but hopefully soon."
"Yeah, honestly you should've been moved in ages ago. You should come visit the dorm though, you haven't done that yet. Come and visit frequently even if you haven't moved in yet, it will be nice to like get used to it all you know?" Hana suggested, wanting Hayun to be closer to the group.
Hayun nodded, agreeing but something about the thought of moving in with the girls made her nervous. She didn't know how it would feel, to live with people other than her family and especially knowing they already have a strong friendship.
Hana and Hayun warmed up and stretched, they stayed talking for a little while until it was time to practice. Hayun had been dreading practices now especially because of Hwan.
And when the members got into position and the music started, Hayun could already feel herself trembling.
♮
She messed up.
Again.
The gruelling practice ended hours later for a break, the girls all separated to do their own things before resuming practices later.
Hayun wondered if all these mistakes she was making was pulling the group down so much that they might start hating her.
She sighed, tilting her head up to stare into the bathroom mirror, her tired eyes beginning to blur from the tears which gathered.
Irritated by her burdensome tears, she scoffed and harshly wiped them away before they could fall. Inhaling sharply, she tilted her head back and closed her eyes for a moment.
Her legs were trembling and knees stinging, her shoulder muscles hurt with every move she made.
Other than her physical condition, Hayun was just...tired.
Pulling her headphone from around her neck, she placed them on top of her head to cover her ears while leaving the bathroom with a heavy heart.
As soon as the music began to play, she let herself get lost in the sound which stopped her from thinking too deeply.
Hayun wasn't planning on eating anything, in actual fact the managers advised her to eat less. At first she wanted to protest but it would be useless.
Still, she made her way to the cafeteria because she figured since it was late afternoon there wouldn't be many people there.
The air conditioning in the building was good at calming the heat in her body, feeling so suffocated from her practices. It was cooler out in the hallways as she walked the steps to the lower floor.
Her footsteps felt a little heavier today and her shoulders were slumped, a yawn escaping her which made her eyes water. Hayun blinked the tiredness away, stepping out of the way to let people out of the cafeteria before she entered herself.
She joined the queue behind some other trainees, watching their lit up smiley faces and excitement practically bursting from their bodies.
When did that feeling disappear for me?
The corners of her lips tugged down, a sudden heavy realisation weighing down on her and just like that, the music she was listening to wasn't enough anymore to block the thoughts she had unknowingly been suppressing.
Tugging her headphones down to around her neck, she diverted her focus to the food in front of her. There was a moment of contemplation, wondering if she should just eat something but the nagging from the company sounded through her head.
Instead, Hayun opted in grabbing a cold bottle of water in hopes of easing her nausea. She had felt unsettled all day, the practice had only made it worse.
She glanced briefly at the round table of desserts and upon seeing the abundance of cupcakes, wondered if the tall awkward boy had taken one.
It was as if her question was being answered when she turned to face the seating area and her eyes landed on the said boy sat at the back.
Jisung was sat in the last booth, sitting by himself while eating and Hayun assumed he was watching his phone from how his eyes were trained on something.
The sleeves of his zip up hoodie he was wearing were rolled up and the hood over his hair, which still fell over his eyes regardless.
Hayun perceived Jisung as someone innocent, not in a bad naive way because despite his shyness, there was a radiance about him.
Youth, he reminded her of youth.
Of course she didn't know him, it's not like she could make many assumptions but she found a lot of people her age radiated the youth she wondered if she lacked.
Jisung only knew one youth, the youth of a young trainee being raised by his members. The youth of being in the spotlight since a young age.
Hayun only knew one youth, the youth of being a mother figure raising her siblings. The youth of being thrusted into adult responsibilities at a young age.
Maybe Hayun and Jisung could relate to each other in some sense, being forced into the big world without time to protect their hearts.
With confidence in her stride, she began to walk towards him without much thought to it. When she reached the booth, she slid into the seat opposite him and the food he was swallowing nearly got lodged into his throat.
Jisung's eyes widened, panic flooding him when he started coughing because he got startled. His water remained unopened which Hayun noticed, leaning forward to grab the bottle to unscrew the lid.
She held it out towards him, concerned at the fact he was coughing. Jisung's hesitance blossomed from his earlier thoughts about if she somehow liked him, here she was unscrewing his water for him and handing it over with worry.
"Did I scare you? Sorry." She apologised once he took the bottle in his hand and sipped on it. "The weather is nice today."
Hayun was facing the window since Jisung was sat with his back to it, the sun streaming through had fallen on her which glistened golden on her skin.
Jisung didn't really look at Hayun much when she came to him, he avoided her eyes most of the time but in this moment she looked content.
Hayun always looked content to others but right now, it was more sincere.
There was a smile on her lips and the heat of the burning rays against her made her close her eyes for a moment.
A wave of nostalgia washed over her, mind immediately taking her back to a precious memory from her childhood.
The eight year old Hayun shrieked with laughter as the cold ocean water attacked her, six year old Hyunwoo splashing her mercilessly.
Hayun gasped for air after the water cascaded over her, a chuckle from beside her made her look up with a scrunched up face.
There her mother was crouched next to her with the prettiest smile, the sun was beaming down on her. To Hayun, her mother was the most radiant there, as if the sun knew she was the warmest one there.
Her mother wiped the water off of her face, helping her to her feet carefully.
"It's getting late now, should we go?"
Hayun pouted and glanced at her brother then back at her mother, little hand grabbing onto her warm one.
"Can we just play for five more minutes?" With pleading eyes she asked. "Can we have five more minutes?"
Her mother smiled, nodding and stroking back Hayun's wet hair.
"Of course...we can have five more minutes.
Hayun had seen the sun beam down on her mother plenty of times but never as bright as in that moment, she looked like an Angel.
The moment replayed in her head but Hayun had ended the nostalgia by opening her eyes, only to find Jisung's staring back at her.
He looked visibly panicked when she caught him looking at her, jolting to grab his water again and avoiding her eyes. He rubbed the back of his neck, the hood moving further back on his head.
His cheeks flushed and he looked at his food, wondering if it was worth eating the rest, maybe he should just leave without finishing.
"Do you like the beach?" Hayun asked, moving her eyes back to the window. His slow response was what made her look back at him, he was beginning to stand up.
"Um...yes, yeah." He nodded, awkwardly smiling as he grabbed his stuff hurriedly. Hayun watched him, wondering if he was in a rush or if he really did dislike her company.
She took a soft breath in, smiling a little.
"Don't." She said to stop him from leaving, she got up instead and he paused from grabbing his bag. "You eat, I'll go."
Hayun grabbed her headphones she had put next to her, glancing briefly at him.
"You should get a cupcake before they run out." She told him, about to leave but she took a glance back at the window.
Nothing more was said, she turned around and put her headphone on and left the cafeteria without getting anything to eat, she even left her unopened water bottle.
Did she come here just to sit with me?
♮
She returned back to practice but she didn't speak much to the others, everyone seemed drained today. Maybe they were drained from how many mistakes Hayun kept making.
Hwan continued to scrutinise her and Hayun continued to push herself until the end.
By the time they finished it was late and the walk home seemed longer than usual. The lights were still on at home and when she opened the front door, she was greeted by chaos.
Jinwoo was basically having a meltdown, Nari kept following their Dad around for answers to her question as he tried to console Jinwoo.
The house was a mess, everything was a mess.
He looked frustrated and tired, Hayun knew because she watched her Dad her whole life. She knew because it's how she felt too.
She stepped in and that's when her Dad turned to leave, taking a break away from the chaos.
Hayun wishes he didn't just leave and go upstairs, they could've handled it together instead. He was probably tired though.
Nari was angry that she went ignored, storming away furious. Jinwoo was inconsolable for a while until Hayun got him to calm down.
Hayun didn't even get changed out of her clothes nor did she freshen herself up or eat, instead she helped get Jinwoo ready for bed.
He refused to brush his teeth or wash his face, to which Hayun kept insisting he would. In response, he pushed her and screamed no.
Hayun took a breath, keeping her patience running because it was obvious Jinwoo was feeling a lot right now and he couldn't sort those feelings out.
It was hard, very hard.
Nari kept asking Hayun to iron her clothes for tomorrow, claiming that it hadn't been done yet and she still had homework to do that she needed help with.
Trying to get Jinwoo into bed was a whole mess of its own, he wasn't having it at all. Hayun tried her hardest to calm him down and explain why he needed to sleep, he pushed her away again.
Hayun closed the bedroom door behind her, she wasn't sure if he was sleeping but he was in bed now so that's all she could handle right now.
When she had closed the door behind her, Nari was stood with her clothes in hand waiting for them to be ironed.
Despite the urge to just let her body give in, Hayun took them and began to iron them for her sister and after that, she helped with homework.
It took a while because Nari didn't understand properly and Hayun tried her best not to get frustrated but she was tired and hungry and frankly just in pain.
It wasn't until much later when Hayun got the time to herself but by that point she was so tired that she just about pulled on some pyjamas and decided to skip out on eating because her eyes were already closing.
She sighed heavily, laying stomach down on her bed and face smushed against the pillow. Too weak and tired to move under the covers, she closed her eyes.
She only had one thought on her mind.
Was this all worth it?
😔