Trigger warning for this chapter. Some references to non-consensual sex and abuse. All in the past, and not overly explicit. It you want to skip the chapter I'll put a short summary at the end so that you can continue to read the rest of the sexy book xxx
It takes me very little time to get home. As soon as I give Aida free rein, which is the second I am out of sight from human eyes, she bolts. Luckily I retain enough control to prevent a full wolf shift, but her fear and panic run deep, pushing us to run faster and faster. Her wolf-like nature pushes through, merging with my appearance and making our eyes glow amber as our fangs extend to brush our lower lip and the tips of our ears sharpen. My own anger and frustration surge through our veins as our emotions mix and merge, the world ceasing to exist around us as the strength of our anger and panic drives us. Yet despite our speed, it doesn't feel fast enough, doesn't feel like we can get away from those tortuous memories in time to save ourselves. The wind whips through my long hair, my dress flying behind me, shoes clutched in my hand as I pound along the tarmac in my bare feet. Still, it does not feel fast enough. That man... those hands... that scent. Aida shudders at the memory. But it is not the scent of the man in the bar that we can smell, it is another's. Another man's hands that haunt us.
His hands trail down my body and I hate myself for feeling the need to respond to his touch.
The blinding light of the incoming car forces me to the side of the road, pulling out of my reverie for an instant. Small pebbles cut into the soles of my feet, but the pain barely registers as the memory surges back to the forefront of my mind. My breath is coming quicker now, the colours of the world around me blurring as I struggle to focus on the road.
"You're ok baby. You're mine. I'll keep you safe." And yet in my mind, as his hands massage my breasts, I know the words aren't true.
My foot catches in a dip in the earth and the whole world tilts as I stumble. I try to catch my balance, but Aida is faster, taking control to keep us upright then accelerating again immediately, desperate to escape the never-ending theatre-like reel playing in our head.
His hands pry open my legs.
"You're mine baby, you have to give me this. You owe it to me. To your family."
The first of my tears falls, running down to my lip. I can't help my body from slowing down as my chest contracts, breathing becoming more difficult as the panic takes hold of me. I shake my head, hands gripped tightly into my hair, desperate to escape these memories that I have tried so hard to bury. For years, I have suppressed these thoughts, creating distractions, occupations, hobbies... Anything to never again have to think of that man. But I have failed. Failed once again, as I always fail. As I failed with him.
"You know you like it baby. Can't you feel that?" His fingers tickle my core and I feel myself jump away from his touch.
Another tear follows the route of the first.
"See? I know you feel it. How can you deny something that feels this good..."
My tears fall thick and heavy, sobs ripping from my throat, hands gripped into claws. I dig my nails into my skin, desperate to bring my thoughts back to reality. But I can't. My steps slow even more. I'm so close to home. But I don't know if I can make it. A wave of terror threatens to overwhelm our mind, a claw-like hand gripping my heart, just like panic gripped me back then.
My hands curl into claws, wrapping into the sheets.
"That's it baby, see how good I feel inside you?"
Ten more metres and I am home.
"I'm going to make you mine baby. Never going to let you escape."
Five metres. I urge my feet to keep going, resist the desire to curl into a ball and hide from the world. Two metres. The gravel of the driveway is painful, and it helps snap me back to reality momentarily. It feels like it takes forever to turn the key in the lock, but finally I am inside. I slam my front door behind me with force, and slide to the floor, safe in my own home. My hands wrap around my head as if I can protect myself from the onslaught that I know is coming.
"You're mine baby. Mine forever..." His words are thick with desire, yet all I can feel is disgust and hatred. His canines sink deep into my shoulder and I wince loudly. But he takes it as a gasp of desire and chuckles softly.
"There, there baby. Your turn now."
His hand grips the back of my hand, drawing me into him. I shake my head frantically, but he won't release me. His hands are sweaty and clammy. I fight harder. He smells like stale cigarettes and overpowering aftershave.
"Please. Please Alpha." I'm begging now, tears streaming down my face.
"Come on baby. Just one bite. Then you're mine forever."
I start clawing at his chest, my nails still human, still trying not to hurt him despite all he is doing. Still doubting what I know to be true deep down. Still doubting myself.
"No. No. I can't." I sob desperately.
The sting from the slap is sudden and my mouth falls open in shock.
"YES." He puts all of his Alpha authority into that one word, and I feel my inner resolve crumble, my need to bow down to him strong and irresistible. But Aida stands strong, makes me lift my head to meet his eye.
"No." The words sound stronger than I feel. But then he's gripping me by the hair and shaking me, and the tears are falling again.
"Little bitch. I'm giving you one day. One day to make up your stupid mind. And then. Then I'm going to tie you down and make you."
The threat still rings in my ears. Rings in my ears like the slam of a door. My mother's cries. My dad's disappointment. They all ring through my head as I blindly walk into my home, past my kitchen cabinets. My hand grips the row of knives on the counter.
I need to find something else to think of. Something to pull me out of this tortuous loop that plays again and again in my mind. I pull a knife from its sheath, twirl it in my hands. The cold feel of the metal does little to calm my raging emotions, but the sharpness of the blade as it scrapes my skin helps me breathe, makes me feel grounded just as it always has.
My eyes blaze orange and I spin the knife once, twice. With a loud scream I release it, watch it embed itself into my makeshift target on the wall. Right in the bullseye. A second knife quickly follows it. Then a third. Each knife helps me feel a little more grounded, a little more alive. Yet his words still play in my head.
"Mine baby. Mine forever."
"Little bitch. You need to listen to me. Listen to the truth. We are mates. Meant to be. Stop lying to yourself little bitch."
Well screw you Rodrigo. I will never be yours. My scream as the fourth knife hits the wall resonates through the studio.
***
It takes an intense workout and a strong bottle of gin before I'm finally able to feel like myself again. Aida seems to have stopped pacing inside my head, slightly calmer, but also likely exhausted from the overwhelming evening. I feel groggy, my limbs like a pulp after exercising, and my brain a vague fog courtesy of Gordon.
That fucking man at the bar. If only he hadn't gotten himself involved. I clench my fists, forcing myself to change my train of thought. It's not often I get so worked up. I'm usually good at controlling the anger and the panic. There's just something about men assuming they have any sort of right over me that gets to me. It reminds me so much of Rodrigo, of his assumptions, of his actions and how he was allowed to get away with it just because he 'owned' me. It drives me up the wall... Although considering my past experiences, I guess a therapist wouldn't be too surprised.
I haven't thought about Rodrigo in a long time. We met at a ball thrown in honour of my birthday. I had walked into the room and there he was. The Alpha of the neighbouring pack. My supposed mate. The soulmate that all werewolves are given by Goddess. The person who is meant to be their other half, their everything.
Even if he hadn't been my mate, as daughter of an Alpha, I would have been an ideal choice of partner for him. But when he'd seen me for the first time as I'd walked down the stairs in my gorgeous dress - a dress specially designed for that birthday, my eighteenth, when I'd been presented to all eligible bachelors of the land - and he'd growled 'mine'... It hadn't mattered that he'd said the one word I'd dreamed about hearing every day of my teenage life. It hadn't mattered that he had gorgeous brown eyes, a chiselled jawline, muscles that would make a grown woman swoon. It didn't matter that he was an Alpha, and that he was powerful. It didn't matter, because I knew in that instant that he wasn't my mate.
I tried, desperately, for weeks, to feel the way he said he felt,, the way mates are supposed to feel. Feel the electricity when we touched. Feel the pull of his body. Feel like he completed me. But I couldn't. Sure I felt sexually attracted to him, I mean who wouldn't? And sure I felt excited every time he touched me, every time he told me I was his. But I couldn't feel the bond no matter how hard I desperately tried.
My mistake had been telling him the truth...
But that was in the past now. There was no point crying over spilt milk. I sipped a bit more of the gin, feeling the heat spread through my body, warming my insides and calming my thoughts. Tea probably would have done a similar job, but I wasn't really in the mood for tea.
It isn't until 2 am that I finally manage to drag myself to bed. My mind finally slower, my anger and panic having gradually dissipated. Yet as I lie there trying to sleep, my mind refuses to let me drift off. Sighing, I roll over, picking up my phone to read, scrolling through my phone to find my new favourite werewolf book on Wattpad as I desperately search for a distraction.
Predictable. In my head, Aida goads my choice but I know deep down that she loves them as much as me. Although they don't always get everything right...
For starters, although we have mates, it's more common for wolves to partner up in the same way as humans. It's nearly only Alphas who actually get the chance to meet their mates. Secondly, although our wolf and our human sides are separate, it's more like two halves of a whole, as opposed to having another being living in our head. It's sort of like being bipolar, I muse. Two different personalities living inside one body. Each one taking the upper hand at different times.
By the third chapter, my mind has managed to focus on the words. And by the fifth, the book starts to heat up, distracting me exactly as I hoped it would. Although I know that I will likely need a rampage through Ktukda tomorrow to help fully distract me. And even though I realise it's not a healthy coping mechanism, as Aida reminds me repeatedly, I've found myself relying more on more on the escapades to maintain my sanity. As the sex scene develops, my hand slips below the covers, my mind getting lost in the whirlwind relationship of the characters.
Summary (in case you skipped the chapter): Reyna runs home and we learn about her past relationship with an abusive Alpha. Was expected to be his mate even though she didn't feel the same way and was forced to comply. She has a rather emotional re-living of some scenes from her past and cools off by working out, drinking a lot, and then reading a book.