I sat up so fast that I banged my head off of the ceiling, pain shooting through my skull. I yelped and instantly slapped my hand over my mouth, not wanting to wake anyone. Great, I thought, I'm Stella Barker, Queen of Casualties! Eloise groaned from the bunk below and shushed me but I ignored her, already routing around the bedcovers, trying desperately to find my phone. She always agreed that Adam had been acting strange around me since Cal and I started going out and now, I had the proof. But by the time I'd found my phone underneath the pillow, guilt was seeping through my veins, making me shiver. When Calum rang me during our search for El, he'd said that Adam was "doing a striptease in my fucking sink!" Adam, the lad who usually kept to himself and sat in the background, must have been fairly pissed to feel the need to get naked in his friend's kitchen sink. He would wake up in a couple of hours and completely forget the messages he left me. There was no point in bringing him shame and embarrassment by telling big mouth Eloise.
And so, I did something that took every inch of my willpower, and lay back down, trying to calm myself. The lights above me continued to flicker and change, casting strange shadows across the white walls. Despite the chill in the air and the fact that I was still on top of the covers, sweat was trickling down my back. I could feel it thick between my shoulder blades and at the base of my spine. My mind wandered to my ankle, wondering if maybe I was getting a fever. It was highly unlikely. I'd gotten a tetanus injection only seven months or so before, after I'd fallen in barbed wire at the skate park and torn open my thighs and knees. Adam had been with me that day; we always went skateboarding together. He'd carried me the whole way to the doctors, reassuring me that my board, which had been snapped in half, could be repaired no problem. I hated showing weakness in front of people, and that day, I whimpered as the needle pierced my skin. Adam let me hold his hand; I squeezed it so hard I left a mark. You could still see it there, if you looked hard enough. You can still see the scars all over my legs too, although you don't have to have 20/20 vision to see those.
I rolled on to my stomach and my legs were suddenly submerged in cool liquid. I sat up, slowly this time, expecting the worst. But there was no blood seeping from my ankle. It was just the icepack beginning to defrost, a puddle of water soaking the bed. I quickly untied the bandages and hopped down from the bunk. The bottom of the trackies were drenched so I tugged them off and left them to dry over the radiator, hoping Pete wouldn't think I'd weed in his pants. I crept out of the room, hoping that the lads had a freezer or at least a fridge I could put the pack into.
The kitchen was dead silent, except for the occasional snore from Pete who was curled up on the couch, all snuggled up in at least seven different blankets. I grinned but it faltered almost immediately. If Pete was taking up the couch, then where was Ross sleeping?
"Stella?"
I almost jumped out of my skin at his voice, smacking my shoulder against the door as I spun around to face him.
"Holy shit, are you trying to kill me!" I hissed, but he was too busy fretting over my latest accident to pay attention to me.
"Oh my god, are you alright? That was some hit you took there!"
I shrugged, my heart still racing at his sudden appearance. "It s'okay. I'm always hurting myself. You get used to it after a while. That's why my legs always have at least ten bruises on them" I laughed.
His dark eyes flickered from my face to my legs, a small smirk playing on his lips. I didn't really know a thing about this lad, but I knew all about the smirk. The amount of times Eloise had gone completely gooey describing it to me, I would never forget it. It was one of those smiles that just oozed with confidence, with an air of 'yeah, I know I'm all that'.
"Nice undies" he said, nodding his head towards my Pokémon underwear.
I felt a smirk growing on my own lips, wondering how much more diverse this group of lads could get. I thought of Ross again, extracting my eyes away from the lead guitarist long enough to give the room one last fleeting search. Where the hell was he?
"Cheeky, cheeky McClorey" I replied, hoping that he hadn't noticed my second-long distraction. But it was clear in the comforting smile that he gave me that he had. He brushed past me to the sink and poured himself a glass of water before leaning back against the counter. He swirled the glass around for a moment, as if contemplating what to say.
"Don't worry about your boyfriend, he's only gone out for his midnight stroll" he said eventually. I ignored his boyfriend comment and I glanced up at the clock on the wall. It was ten past three, but whatever.
"So, he always goes for walks at ungodly hours?" I asked, chucking the icepack in the fridge and hopping up on to the counter facing Josh.
"Yeah...well it's only been the last couple of weeks that he's started. I think it's the whole moving to London thing...he misses home, I guess we all do".
I couldn't imagine what it felt like to be so far from home, mainly because I never felt like I had one in the first place. What was home to Ross? Was it Cavan? His house? His family? There were so many questions bubbling around inside me that I had to grip my arms tight to my chest, in an attempt to keep it all together. I didn't understand why I cared so much anyway. There was just something about him that made me care. There was something about him that made me feel all weird and confused and scared.
"He likes you a lot, you know. I can tell by the way he looks at ya" Josh said. I didn't know what to say to that. "And he doesn't usually take to the crazy fan girls, so you should feel privileged." The smirk was back.
"Oi! I'm not a crazy fan girl! I'm not even a fan! If you want a crazy fan girl, you'll find one in Pete's bed!"
Josh stifled a laugh as Pete perked up at his name. We sat still for a moment, watching as he peered out from his mountain of blankets in a daze. He finally settled back down and Josh breathed a sigh of relief. He glanced at me and we both burst into fits of laughter, clutching our stomachs as we tried to regain composure.
"Okay, I better hit the sack before I fall asleep in the sink" Josh said after a while. He yawned and gave my head a pat and made his way back to his room. His hand was just pressing down on the handle when a thought flashed across my mind, causing me to call after him. He looked up at me in question and I gulped, wondering what on earth I was doing.
"Have you...have you ever felt like you were pretending to be someone that you're not just to...to impress someone?"
Josh nodded. "Doesn't everyone?"
"Yeah but..." My brain was screaming at me to shut the fuck up but for some reason, I struggled on. "Have you ever pretended to be that person for so long that you forget yourself?"
"No because as soon as I realise that I'm faking it for someone else's benefit, I stop, and I get rid of that person. Because keeping a person like that in your life, a person who you need to act around is just toxic."
I felt myself sink back against the cupboard behind me. Josh frowned, his dark eyebrows knotting together in concern.
"Stella are you-"
"Fine. I'm fine." I said, grinning at him just to prove it. He didn't look convinced though and he still looked annoyingly worried as he said goodnight and shut the door behind him.
I scrambled for the sink, heaving over it but nothing came up. I stared at my own reflection in the stainless steel, naming all the things I could recognise about myself. My hair; brown and wavy, that so easily tangled. My nose that turned up slightly at the end. The freckles I had collected over the years. My eyes, that were blue and grey like my Dad's. Then there was everything that I didn't recognise: the purple shadows under my eyes, the cracked lips, the jagged slit through the outer edge of my left eyebrow, the forced smile. And I wondered what had become of pretty, little Stella. The girl who wore plaits in her hair and went to school every day; that played the cello and piano and was on the local soccer team; who was going to become a doctor or lawyer or composer. Who made her mum and dad so proud.
I turned on the tap, letting the water splash against my reflection, shattering it into millions of pieces. I tilted my head and gulped down some of the freezing water. Never mind that Stella, she's gone.
I sat down at the kitchen table and rested my head against its cool surface. I pinched at the skin under my arms and started to hum under my breath. Anything it took to stay awake for Ross.