Percy,
July 25, 2021,
10:43 am.
Sundays have always meant family day for me. It was like that when I was a kid too. When my mom and I were living alone in Los Angeles, we always declined to shoot episodes of the sitcom on that day, even when pressured by deadlines and back ups. The studio would be incredibly pushy about it. My mom pretended we were religious to get out of filming. She never took shifts for herself on those days either.
When I was a kid, family day tended to look like the two of us sitting on the sofa eating junk food and watching movies. We liked superhero movies. We liked getting excited at all of the action and suspense. Musicals were also a regular occurance for obvious reasons. Other nights we would play board games. When I was especially fed up with working, she and I would just sit on the living room floor reading my scripts aloud in a mocking tone. Some of the episodes were just especially cringy and we'd make fun of them and laugh together.
Sometimes a Sunday would land on a day where my dad had suddenly decided to grace us with his presence. Those Sundays were unfortunate. We sat at the small rickety folding table in our apartment having a family dinner. He'd eventually snap at me for something because I had a hard time with the pretending he never left thing. I would then go to my room and read, or play the piano, or do something independently in a way that completely missed the point of family time. Once my little sister Genevieve was involved, I'd stay for her, but things were still tense and odd.
Sometimes Riley came. That was something that happened later, when we were teenagers, but it wasn't something that was exactly planned. Riley wasn't even explicitly invited. He was just suddenly always around at a certain point. He started coming home from work with me and staying through the weekend. Nobody ever came to collect him, so my mom started making an extra plate at dinner. I used to wonder if we could even afford the extra mouth.
Eventually he stopped coming. There was never a conversation about that either. The list with his name on it released and the lawsuit showed up and Riley became a distant face I only saw sometimes until it was mostly over.
"You're going somewhere?" Riley asked me when he saw me lacing up my stupidly clean leather shoes.
He had been sitting out on the balcony. I didn't remember hearing him go out, but I also hadn't seen him come in the previous night. I was choosing not to read into that too much, even though the fact that he hadn't changed clothes since the previous morning was quite evident. He also smelled. It was a mix of cigarette smoke and weed and something else unfortunate. Riley hadn't showered in a while. Standing in the doorway, I couldn't help but think he looked quite pitiful.
"It's Sunday," I answered, tying the last knot. I straightened up from my place on the sofa to face him.
Recognition showed in his face. For a moment he looked to be processing it. Then his features dropped slightly to something more nervous, which he immediately tried to hide under a false blankness.
"Oh," he said. "Oh, right."
"We probably won't be long," I said with a little shrug. Even though the image of my father came to mind, I kept my voice light. "It's probably best if we don't linger."
Riley nodded. He still hovered on the balcony. I expected he'd be back out there soon enough.
"What do you think you're going to do in the mean time?" I asked. I allowed some sort of enthusiasm to show in my voice, and I smiled nonchalantly like I didn't already know he planned on sitting on the porch and smoking the weed Basil put in that stupid child's gift bag for him.
"I'll just... I'll be here," Riley said in the same almost positive tone I'd mustered. He tried to smile and then settled for the neutral look.
I could have ignored it. I could have just let him off without the inquiries I knew he didn't want to hear. It's honestly a part of myself I don't like very much; the desire to push when it's clearly unwanted.
"Are you going to be okay alone here?" I asked, against better judgment.
Riley rolled his eyes and scoffed at me. At least he managed to let the very genuine annoyance show. "I'm fine. Quit being so dramatic. I'm busy anyways."
"Are you?" I inquired genuinely.
"Of course," he said. "I have things to do. I need to clean."
"Clean?" I repeated. It was a question, but it sounded a bit more like I was just echoing him.
"Yep," Riley said. "I need to clean."
Riley nodded like that made any sense at all and then started across the living room towards the hallway. I had enough time to open my mouth for a response when he was already practically gone. As he crossed through the second doorway, Leah made her way past him into the living room carrying Flynn and wrinkling her nose.
"Your friend smells like a decaying body," she informed me once Riley was hopefully out of earshot down the hall. "Do you think he knows that?"
I narrowed my eyes at her slightly. It hadn't escaped me to notice she was referring to him as 'my friend' rather than his name almost exclusively since her return.
I thought about replying. Then I thought about how she'd ran with Flynn and how I'd pathetically let her go. I couldn't let that happen again. If that meant walking on eggshells for the time being then that's what I'd have to do.
I angled my eyes away from her to the baby in her arms. Flynn was smiling my direction somehow endlessly unbothered by the odd and quiet tension that floated through the home. His content and nearly toothless smile made it okay to leave things unsaid. I couldn't rely on that forever, but I could do it for a day.
"You guys ready then?" I asked, forcing a smile.
Leah nodded and we were out the door shortly after. On the way out, I glanced down the hall and saw Riley standing still as a statue infront of the bathroom door with a determined look on his face. I hoped that meant he planned on taking care of himself at some point.
The car ride to my parents home is a long one. I always drove, while Leah sat in the passenger seat keeping me company. Flynn had become accustomed to this pattern early on. He was always asleep within a few minutes of the car ride starting. I'd always help that along by playing children's lullaby music at the start of the ride. Once I saw his eyes flutter closed in the rear view mirror, I always switched it out for something else. Leah liked some local bands in the city. I didn't know their names.
The drive was at least familiar in a comforting sort of way. The house on the hill in the Tillamook forest had belonged to my grandparents when I was young. My parents and I lived there until the move to Los Angeles. We'd make the drive into Portland regularly for the musicals and theatre productions I was doing. My mom and I would always stop at one of the old mountain stores for snacks along the way. Even after my grandparents died and the house became ours, it still kept the intense feeling of family and home in it all. I was always thankful that feeling never went away.
Eventually Leah also dozed off like she sometimes did and I was alone with my own thoughts and recollections. That made it easy to take a deep breath. I steeled myself for what was to come. I practiced my neutral smile in the mirror. I willed away thoughts of resentment and frustration.
"Just for the afternoon," I willed myself to remember quietly.
A short bit later, I was pulling off the highway onto a darker tree lined road. It went down a little ways before the gravel driveway came into view. The rumbling of the uneven path woke Leah up. She reached into the backseat to begin the process of slowly rousing the baby while I settled into a parking spot infront of the dark brickwork two story house that belonged to my father. I took one more deep breath before opening my car door.
Things moved like a well oiled machine or an ancient ritual.
Leah and I walked up to the door together. Leah was holding Flynn. I had only just raised my hand to knock when long white blonde shock of hair that represented my little sister Michaela came rocketing out of the house. She barreled into me to hug me around the torso. Almost immediately, her older, but otherwise identical, counterpart Genevieve came out behind her in a similar fashion. She almost knocked me over and Michaela yelped from being squished between the two of us.
The tall blonde haired vision of my mother surfaced next. She was smiling warmly in that pretty way she always did. Tired crinkles appeared around her eyes and she met my gaze over my sisters heads. I immediately felt warmer.
Leah greeted her verbally and went in for a single armed hug. My sisters didn't hug Leah, which wasn't unusual. They liked her, but there was always a noticeable barrier between them. They viewed her as an "other." They always had. It didn't help that on the very first day they all met, I was already telling my mom about the impending arrival of Flynn. That was probably jarring. I personally found it jarring.
We were ushered inside as always. My mom made quick work of taking Flynn from Leah while she went in to greet my father. He hadn't bothered to meet us at the door, but he rarely did. Instead he was sat on his chair in the living room. His dark hair was freshly cut and his handsome face neatly shaven. He had a perfectly easy smile on his face. I nodded his way and he nodded back and that was good enough for the two of us.
"Foods almost done," my mom called as we passed through. She paused to offer a tight squeezing hug to her grandson before handing him back to Leah. "Why don't you give me a hand, Percy?"
She was really polite about giving me an escape like that. As Leah made herself and Flynn comfortable in the living room chair adjacent to my father, I kept walking with my mom. My little sisters stayed behind too to ogle at the baby like they always did.
I wasn't a good cook by any means, but my mother was. She outdid herself on Sundays every time and this was no exception. When we made our way into the kitchen, I could already smell the scent of whatever she had cooking in the oven. It smelled amazing.
"Why don't you set the table?" My mom suggested as soon as we entered.
I made quick work of busying myself with that task. I laid out the familiar blue plates on my grandmas old wooden table and my mom hummed while stirring something on the stove. For a moment, it was like we were in a bubble. We were young again. We were back in LA and it was just the two of us. If I'd let myself live in the fantasy any longer I'd have just put out two plates, maybe even a third for Riley. Then I heard Flynn giggle in the other room and I remembered myself.
When I finished laying out the plates and glanced back at my mom, she smiled. I wondered if she was thinking the same things.
Dinner was uneventful. It always was. My sisters talked about their friends and complained about not seeing them much in summer since they lived so high up in the hills away from the neighborhoods. My mom talked about a book she was reading. My dad mentioned work once and then left and took a phone call that lasted half the meal. Leah talked about taking Flynn to see her parents and politely neglected to mention she'd been gone for several days this week. I had thought about mentioning that to my mom at one point during her absence, but I had decided not to. I didn't want to cause problems. I definitely didn't want to instigate panic.
My mom had made lasagna. Since it was good lasagna, I let myself eat that and chose to stay quiet except for polite acknowledgments of the unfolding conversations. I smiled. I engaged with my siblings. I avoided eye contact with my dad.
Until he addressed me directly himself for the first time in maybe a year.
"So Percy, how was work this week?" My father asked me casually from across the table.
I looked up confused at first, like I hadn't heard the question. I had to resist the urge to look over my shoulder like there might have been another Percy in the room that he was addressing. I looked to my mom to find her smiling a soft encouraging smile. Her eyes told me she was equally as surprised.
I was supposed to look at him, right? I made myself look his way. When his dark eyes intimidated me, I settled for his slightly receding hairline.
"It's good," I said. I swallowed. "I have a few students who are really excelling. It's... it's nice."
I thought he'd leave it at that. I really wanted him to just leave it at that.
"So, you're still just teaching then?" He pressed. His smile was so easygoing. Why was it so easy going?
I blinked like he was going to continue. When he didn't, I realized I was expected to answer.
"Yeah," I said. "For now."
"Have you put any more thought in finishing school?" My mom asked, rescuing me.
I looked back to her. I tried to look at nothing but her eyes which mirrored my own. I just focused on that.
"Not yet," I said, which was a lie. If I was being genuine I could mention that I thought about it every day. I thought about it before going to sleep every night. I thought about it when I was walking into classes at the preschool.
I certainly thought about it at the market the previous day when Poppy had brought up Melman again. She'd mentioned she'd called her friend at Melman and that they told her they'd love to meet me. I thought about it a lot when she had explained their higher education program, which paid people to get their masters degree. I didn't need anyone to pay me, but I'd thought about it. I'd thought about it more than I even wanted to admit.
"Maybe someday," I added airily, and the subject was dropped.
Eventually the meal was over and my father excused himself for another fake phone call. My sisters gathered dishes and Leah went to change Flynn's diaper. I hovered with my mom at the table and tried to exhale in relief that we'd almost survived another Sunday.
"Are you doing okay?" My mom eventually asked me after a bit of silence. She reached out and held one of my hands and I wondered how much of my anxiety about everything showed around her. She was the one person that my mask never fooled.
"I'm fine," I said, trying to roll my eyes the same way Riley had when I'd asked him an identical question. "I'm always fine, mom."
"I know," she agreed with a little nod. "After what happened at your place last week though, I just wanted to make sure."
I cringed. Somehow, through everything else, I'd forgotten the minor break in.
"We're okay," I assured her. "It looked like a bigger deal than it actually was."
That was maybe a white lie. I honestly couldn't really tell. It didn't feel like such a big deal now amongst everything else.
"What about Ryland?" She asked, and I noticed her voice was now softer and more gentle.
I paused. That was one I just couldn't lie about. She already knew too much.
"Is he doing okay?" She asked me quietly.
"He's trying really hard to be," I answered timidly.
"That's all we can ever ask of him," my mom replied. "Bring him over sometime, if you think he can handle it. He's always welcome here."
Leah returned before I could explain to my mother that I thought she might riot if I dared to suggest Riley come to family time. She'd tell me how we saw enough of him as it was and I'd have to bite my tongue to keep from uninviting her instead.
Maybe it was because I was tired, but I didn't notice much tension as we made our way to the exit. My sisters hugged me aggressively again and I made some offhand promises to bring them to the city with me before the summers end. My father and I shook hands and he made I face I couldn't or wouldn't attempt to read. My mother held me extra long in a hug.
Then the three of us filed back into the car and Leah didn't say much except to ask me to get Flynn buckled for her. She didn't talk most of the way home and since I was in my own head, I chose to appreciate that rather than question it. Upon reflection, I could see that it was odd. We always gossiped about my family just a little bit on the ride home, but this week had been hard on us. I thought silence should have been welcomed.
It was a quiet hour and a half. I focused on trees and passing cars and even allowed myself to wonder why the hell my father had decided to talk to me.
Then I was pulling into the city and the curving freeways and heavy traffic demanded all my attention as I navigated to downtown. It was familiar and easy to distract my thoughts.
It wasn't until I was physically lifting my half asleep baby out of the backseat that Leah said, "That was nice."
It wasn't the words she'd said that clued me in. It was the tone. There was something left unsaid in it, and it was obvious. I promptly ignored anything I'd noticed and started for the elevator with the baby smiling in my arms, also oblivious.
"I thought so," I said cheerily. I kept my eyes on the baby. "Flynn enjoyed the attention from his aunts, didn't you man?"
"Your dad and you even talked today," Leah added. She followed me towards the elevator. Her tone was suggestive. I ignored it and leaned down to let Flynn hit the button. He was thrilled about that.
"I noticed that," I said in faux oblivion.
"It was interesting," Leah said.
The doors to the elevator parted and I stepped in. She followed. I let the doors close and didn't say anything.
"I thought your answer to him was interesting," she prompted again.
This seemed like the slowest elevator ride of my life. I felt sweat gather some on the back of my neck and I lied to myself in my head, insisting it was just the heat and not some type of nervousness. Leah's eyes were very obviously boring into me. In the mirrored wall of the inside of the elevator, they were basically impossible to ignore.
"Was it?" I asked casually.
The doors parted again. I thought about running off. I walked out calmly again.
"It was," she said. Her voice had gone colder. I felt like a fish being strung along while she took her time getting to the point. I didn't even know what her point was, but I was sure I'd dislike it. "Because you lied to him and I just thought that was really odd."
We made it down the hall to our door. I busied myself with attempting to unlock the door with one hand. Flynn pulled on my keychain making it difficult, but I managed.
"I didn't lie," I said as the lock clicked and the door opened. "I just didn't want to talk to him."
I stepped into the apartment and got out of the way so that Leah could walk in too. I had just enough time to glimpse Riley scurrying across the hall from from the bathroom into his bedroom before she spoke again. I noted his hair was wet. His clothes looked clean and I could hear the bathroom fan running. The entire home actually smelled vaguely of soap.
"Well you certainly didn't tell him about the Melman Auditorium job," Leah mused, and my body went stiff.
I turned around to look at her face. She wore the expression of a scorned woman and I suddenly felt the fear of someone caught committing a crime that I hadn't even attempted to commit yet.
"Funnily enough," Leah said, and that time her face was completely cold. "You hadn't bothered to mention that one to me either."