"3735928559!"
It took Eren quite some time to memorize these numbers, so he says them somewhat proudly, expecting an immediate result.
But nothing happens. Nothing at all.
Oh shit! He begins to panic, did he get it wrong? Was it 859 and not 559?!
"What bullshit are you spouting?" An enraged Captain Levi smashes his fist against Eren's jaw. Hard.
Eren sees stars. For no apparent reason other than his failure to control this bloody Ackerman who is barely taller than a child, a massive bout of laughter erupts from him. It is the kind that makes it sound like someone has lost it.
Maybe he has.
"Shut the fuck up," Captain Levi scrambles to silence him with both his hands. Eren sees the rage in his eyes grow when it doesn't help, but it's the kind of laughter that just has to burst forth. When it's all so fucking hilarious! That ace he thought he had up his sleeve? Just a load of garbage! He's such a pathetic loser and that will never not be funny.
The Captain swings again, hits him even harder. He probably dislodged a tooth again, easily fixed. "Don't you dare pull anything funny," Levi Ackerman hisses into his ear in alarm when he feels his Titan powers. "Yeager, I swear, I'll kill you."
The pain brings him back to the harsh reality of their situation. It's do or die. For once, Eren knows what needs to be done, he has a plan, but his confidence still wavers, every day. Getting it wrong will cost too many lives. He has to walk this path alone, driven forward by the suffering, oppression, and loss thousands of innocent Eldians have to endure. Eren knows that he has to do the most horrible things to make it stop. He will harden his heart, close his eyes and ears, and he will be hated for eternity.
It is so unfair he wants to curl up and cry.
Levi's fist never misses its mark. Eren fears it, and yet - yes, a sign that he has definitely lost it - welcomes it. Pain grounds him. He needs to be physically shaken by the people in his life. Like this, pressed against the earth by the weight of another, the copper taste of his own blood in his mouth. He is terrified of Captain Levi, terrified, but his presence is the anchor he needs. Without an anchor, he drifts aimlessly, he loses himself. If he loses himself, all will be lost.
He cannot lose. He will not.
Guards with rifles enter the garden, the noise he made drew them here, and Eren swallows the insane laughter down, though it hurts. They cower in the bushes, unmoving, breathing so shallow not a leaf moves. The Marleyans did not bring dogs, they're lucky. He can feel the tension in the other man's body, his muscles are quivering with it. If necessary, the Captain will launch himself at the guards and will kill them with his bare hands without flinching once.
No wonder the King wanted them around him. They're the violent killing machines everyone wants. Captain Levi turns his head, finds him looking at him. Eren wonders what he sees in his eyes.
Well, not something he appreciates, obviously.
"You are a fucking weirdo," Levi Ackerman growls and hits Eren again, this time so hard that he blacks out.
###
The murmur of voices lifting him out of the darkness is soft and pleasant and there is a wonderful smell in the air. His nose twitches, his stomach remembers it hasn't eaten anything proper in a long time. Might it be apple pie with cinnamon? He would die for a slice.
Eren wants to move but he has been tied down hand and foot. To a bed. In a room that lies in semi-darkness, with green curtains drawn across a small window. He could bite his tongue and transform if necessary but Mikasa is there, jumping up from a chair in the corner when she sees him move.
"Eren," she breathes.
How fierce she looks, fierce and beautiful, a warrior queen - though there is too much sadness in her countenance, it will age her before her time, drawing harsh lines into the softness of her face. He wishes he could wipe it away, make her smile at him.
"Mikasa," he acknowledges her presence gruffly. "Untie me!"
"I cannot," Mikasa looks away. "And I don't want to. We can't trust you."
We? So it's them against him? But of course it is, he knew that would happen. He ran away to go behind their backs. Back on Paradis, they would have prosecuted him as a deserter.
It's not their house in midtown that they're in. Eren strains his ears, catches the sound of motorcars and people outside. Is it the doctor's house? It would make sense, after the situation escalated the other night, it's where Commander Hange would seek refuge.
Eren thinks. He probes the path, feeling its uncertainties.
"Is Sasha alright?" He asks, dreading the answer.
"She has a boyfriend," Mikasa snorts. "And no, it's not Connie."
For a moment, they smile at each other and that's to blame for Eren's subsequent blunder.
"Mikasa," Eren blurts out, "I can travel back in time."
"What?" She looks shocked.
"I can use the power of the Founder to go back in time," he tries to explain. "I can wipe out the future and try again. I have been trying and trying, but I will make it right, I promise!"
He feels so proud of his new ability, he worked it out all by himself! Not even Zeke knows and Eren doesn't think he'll tell him anytime soon. Brothers are nice, but he cannot trust this one, not one bit.
His excitement wanes, it is obvious from the way she looks at him that she doesn't believe him. She thinks he's crazy. Okay, fine! He will have to show her. As soon as he can meet with Zeke again to activate... No. He might have other means to force her onto the paths.
He says the numbers. Not as confidently as the first time. But it does not cost him anything to try.
Nothing happens. Again. Eren curses, then he cries.
"You should rest more," Mikasa says, a frown creasing her forehead. It looks like she wants to touch him, but she lets the hand fall back to her side. "Eren, what are we to do with you?"
There is such a distance between them. For most of his life, Mikasa has been there for him, next to him, lending protection and strength. In moments of weakness he realizes that Mikasa is his entire world. Without her, he is nothing.
Now, as he gazes into Mikasa's dark eyes, he sees a profound sadness that cuts deep into his soul. He can feel the weight of her pain, the depth of despair. It shatters him to think that he has failed to protect her from this anguish. That he is the cause of it.
The overwhelming fear of losing the one person who means everything to him guts him. He cannot bear the thought of a world without her presence, without her unwavering support. He cannot bear the thought of a world without him in it to look at her and to hold her. In the depths of his rotten soul, he longs to put her head in her lap, to release the weight that burdens him. There, in a cabin in the mountains. Forget everything. Be free.
But it is the nature of his burden that he has to push her away. If he doesn't, he will cave. Just give in, Eren, what's the point, what is the fucking point? Look at Rainer. He's lost it, he's just a hull of what he once was, hoping for the relief of death. And he doesn't even know what Eren knows, hasn't seen what Eren's seen, hasn't done what Eren's done.
Millions. He has killed millions. Not once. Not twice. Many times.
So, he puts on a mask, a facade of strength and resilience, hiding the turmoil within. He accepts the solitude that comes with his burden, knowing that it is the only way to keep everyone safe. He turns his head towards the wall and waits until Mikasa has left the room.
###
They meet on the White Sand that night, under the vastness of Ymir's universe. Eren thinks it's a dream at first, but he realizes quickly that she is here because he made her come.
It worked after all.
Eren experiences a moment of panic, but Captain Levi is nowhere in sight. It looks like the word only works on Mikasa. Good enough.
"Mikasa," he greets her, suddenly giddy with excitement. "You have come!"
She looks confused, no wonder. She is probably asleep and thinks she is having a strange dream.
"Come, walk with me," Eren takes her hand. It is warm and solid and his heart begins to beat very fast. He does not have the body of a child this time, but is himself, Eren Yeager, with hair that is too long and the traces of a beard. He is a man and she is the woman he thinks about all the time.
"Where are we?" Mikasa asks quietly.
"It's where my powers come from," Eren says after a moment of hesitation. "Ymir's resting place."
Mikasa turns her head to all sides, stares at the sand, the trails of wavering light above them. This place is humbling and awe inspiring and sobering at the same time but he feels at ease tonight, for the first time in so long.
"You called me here?" She finally asks, looking troubled.
"Yes," Eren is still smiling but he knows that won't last.
"Why?" She stops and tears her hand from his. "I shouldn't be here. It's wrong."
"I wanted to show you what I can do," he stammers, suddenly feeling like an idiot. He has no time to be a fool in love. Time is merciless, Zeke is dying. Eren doesn't know what will happen when he does before he can set things right. It might be over then. Forever.
"What are you doing, Eren," Mikasa takes a step back. "You are way over your head. Come back to us. We will help you!"
Eren laughs bitterly. If only!
"I command you to show me where the Ackerman stronghold is!" He orders her.
The Ackermans have a hiding place here, he knows they have, but he has not been able to find it. He is certain that the Ackermans are the key to everything, but he just does not know where the damn keyhole is and what to do with them.
"What?" Mikasa frowns at him. "You are delirious, are you? What kind of stronghold?"
Eren feels like crying again. She does not need to obey him? Even with that "word"? What's the fucking use of it then?
Mikasa regards his tears with sad eyes. He is glad he didn't tell her to go and kill Levi Ackerman like he initially planned. Anyway, he will have to wipe her mind. Otherwise, she might tell Captain Levi and then... Eren shudders.
What if he just kills me?
Would he even mind?
To be dead is to be free.
I can do it.
I think I can do it.
Can I do it?
"Mikasa," Eren pleads. "Please. You have to help me! It's Captain Levi. He wants to kill me."