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AIDAN:
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It was another day. Another time for a happy-sad feeling. I wasn't exactly sure what was wrong with me today but I'd been in a wistful mood since.
It may have started when I was about going to school today. I was oddly enthusiastic about school, and for strange reasons, it seemed to me that Otamayomi was the cause but then, Aunt Fatima reminded me of my medications. She had me promise to attend my first therapy session later this evening.
I didn't want to remember that, I didn't want the memory holding the cause of the therapy session to stick in my head. It was a big struggle for me each time it came up. The urge to hurt myself, to leave a mark of remembrance that pain was all I was worth, was all I deserved manifests in me each time.
Surprisingly, I had succeeded in tearing out of such times but that was only on rare occasions. I call it luck.
Aunt Fatima comes to check up on me to see if the meds are working. They might be, considering the fact that I never escape such situations, the medications had given me lucky times.
I was going today. I had to face it today. I had to talk about everything, relieve the trauma, and die inside.
I sat on the grass-covered ground, resting my back on the walls of the old assembly hall with a leg propped up and a hand resting on it. I wasn't sure how I got there, I didn't know what I was doing there but I remained on the spot, staring straight ahead at the sun, quietly.
I had been staring for so long, my eyes were hurting badly, they stung and it blurred and dripped of tears. Still, I refused to look away. I wanted to go blind, hoping that would be enough punishment to justify my dirty act.
I had a picture of mum and Imogen with them, no matter where I went. And when I had shoved my hands in the pockets of my trouser minutes ago and took it out. I stared at their pretty faces, faces I wished to feel and hold again, and I decided I had to punish myself again.
I cut myself on the wrist, a deep stinging cut that I let to drip of blood and stain the green grasses. It didn't feel satisfying enough, so I intended to go blind.
I stared into the sun in silence my eyes still stinging, I feared I had began to see colors.
Mother's face visualized before me all of a sudden. She wore a smile so positive, it sent warmth through my entire body. It made me think of the warmth of a fire to calm our senses on a cold rainy day. It made me think of hugs, and the content, happiness and love that is embraced. It made me think of a person, sleeping on a bed tucked in a cozy duvet on a cold rainy night.
Her smile affected me that much, I could feel the brightness radiate through my body. A small smile wore it's way to my lips and I sat there, staring at her and watching her smile at me, in all her glory.
Mum called for me. She had her arms out, as if awaiting a hug, that smile brightening by the minute and my smile grew wider. I reached to hug her, I spread my arms wide and wrapped my arms around her, shutting my eyes.
Nothing. I didn't feel anything.
I opened and moved away, looking around the place for the woman I just saw, for the woman that radiated light. I blinked and realization dawned on me.
This was reality. And here, she was gone.
I bit my quivering lip, staring ahead. I tried desperately to make the image or mother I had just seen, come back to me. I felt the heat of a tear that roll down my left cheek. And I choked on a sob.
Silently, I cried.
For my mum, for my sister, for my father, and my unfulfilled wish to change what had passed.
Not a single sound was heard from me. All I did was sit on the ground at the back of the assembly hall. And cry.
If only I hadn't....
A thought crossed my mind and I paused, staring at the sun again. An even bigger punishment, something to stop my grieve forever, and to fulfill justice for my actions. Something to render me peace of mind. Something more... Final.
I shut my eyes and let tears flow down my cheeks. I lowered my head and sniffed. And with a silent prayer, I uttered lowly,
"I love you, Mum. I love you Imogen. I'm sorry you're not here with me any more." I paused, raising my head and staring ahead. I had stared at the sun too much, I was temporarily blinded, all I could see was black.
"I hope you forgive me..." I muttered. "For cutting away your successes too short and murdering you."
Slowly, I took out a razor from my trouser pocket. I traced it up my neck lightly, tickling it. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath.
I stopped moving my hands and kept the razor at a position, nearing the middle of my neck. I moved the razor to my neck and soon, I could feel the blade, it's sharp edge on my neck.
With a sigh, I pierced it closer, to cut through skin, flesh and my dirt.
I heard someone say in my head, "Aidan Wilson, you have got a screw loose!"
And another reply, "She hurt me."
"And you move on. It hurts but the world wouldn't wait for you to be done sulking because a cousin insulted you. You'd only really be wasting the time you could use to do relevant things."
I froze to the spot, recognizing the voice, my brain going down the memory lane. A cousin of mine had insulted me when I was a kid, it got to me and I kept crying about it. Imogen came up to me to give her own style of advice and consolation.
And you move on. It hurts but the world wouldn't wait for you to be done sulking because a cousin insulted you. You'd only really be wasting the time you could use to do relevant things."
The words hit different now. My grip on the razor fell slack as I left it to fall unto the ground.
I remained silent after that, watching the trees and animals, as those words were repeated in my head.
I sighed, shut my eyes and bowed my head. I muttered, "I'm sorry."
With my eyes still shut, I sighed. I inhaled and exhaled, and I repeated that until I felt more relaxed than I was.
Then, I stood up, walked away from and headed to the snack shack in the cafeteria to buy bottled water.
Once I had gotten a hold of it, I took out my medications from my school bag— which I happened to take along with me— and took in my medications for the afternoon.
The bell went off, marking the start of lunch break. I shoved the meds back into my bag, hung it on my shoulder and stepped out of the cafeteria.
I met Ayomide almost immediately after.
"Where you dey since?" He said, grinning from ear to ear. "You missed the happenings in class."
I raised a brow at him. "What happenings?"
"Daniella and Mandel fought. It got so hot, they began to pull each other's hair and throw stuff at each other. Some guys and I had to end it before someone died." He chuckled and I could feel a small smile come up my face.
"What started it?" I asked, moving slowly to the classroom with Ayomide.
He shrugged. "Daniella walked up to Mandel and slid a piece of paper to her. I'm not sure what was in it but I know it had something to do with a sleepover."
My brows narrowed and I looked at him. "Really?" I asked. "A sleepover started a fight."
He laughed at my expression and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Yup." He told me afterwards.
I shook my head. "Girls fight over weird things."
"I'm telling you." He laughed again. Then, he began to talk about a new candy brand he just fell in love with. I rolled my eyes and face palmed myself.
"Bro." I said lowly, tired of hearing him talk about candy. He continued talking nonetheless and I groaned.
I gave up and shoved my hands in my pockets, turning to stare ahead of me and walk quickly to class.
My breath hitched.
Her laughter resonated through the walls of the hallway and the other students passing had stopped to look at whoever was laughing so loudly.
It was beautiful. She was beautiful.
She clung closely to her brother as they walked down the hallway, hand-in-hand. She looked even prettier in her uniform today than before. She did something with her lips that made them seem glossier, and gave her eyes a sort of outline.
I smiled. Otamayomi couldn't have looked any prettier.
I imagined what it'd be like to be in the position of her brother, to have her arms around mine and walk hand-in-hand with her even if it was just for the slightest of moments.
Her lashes fluttered to my direction and she looked at me.
My world seized.
Time stopped.
And she was all I could see.
"Damn." I found myself whispering.
Slowly, her lips went up in a smile and her eyes sparkled. She waved at me.
Time still awaited me to catch up.
My smile grew wider. Slowly, I brought my hands up and waved at her.
SMACK!
I furrowed my brows and turned swiftly at Ayomide, rubbing the back of my head. "Ouch!" I said to him. "What was that for?"
His lips went up in am amused smile. "Were you listening to me?"
My eyebrows went up and my lips formed an 'O'. I turned away from him and kept my hands back in my pockets. "Of course I did."
"Really?" He drawled. "What did I say last?"
"You talked about candy, of course." I said calmly.
"Ah ha!" He exclaimed. "I was talking about car engines and not candy."
My brows furrowed and I averted my gaze to him. "Since when?"
"Since two minutes ago!" He cried. "You were too busy making goo-goo eyes at Tammy."
I rolled my eyes. "Of course not."
"Then what were you do—"
I picked up my phone from my pocket and placed it on my ear. "Hey, Jennifer."
I walked away from Ayo, pretending to be on a phone call with my cousin, Jennifer.
"I didn't hear it ring, bro." He chuckled. I walked away and continued with the fake call anyways until I was sure I was out of his sight.
Then, I made my way to the cafeteria. Almost immediately, I caught sight of Otamayomi. She would've been alone on her table again if not for her brother sitting right beside her. She seemed to be tossing food into his mouth, laughing hysterically at where the food she threw landed. That alone brought a smile to my face.
They looked like they were having a good time and I'd be a fool to ruin that moment. I got some snacks from the snack shack and walked towards my table. I tore open my pack of cookies and went back to watching her.
This time, she had a pack of cheeseballs in her hands as she threw them one at a time into her brother's mouth. He was good at it, surprisingly but Otamayomi never stopped laughing.
I didn't notice that I hadn't touched the snacks I bought until Ayo's voice pierced through my thoughts.
"Just tell her you like her already."
I turned to him and shook my head. "It's too early." I let out lowly.
He stared at me like I had worms for brains. "Too early?"
"I just got on her good side, bro. I can't risk loosing that." I told him.
He shrugged. "Whatever, bro. You do you."
On their own accord, my eyes searched for her again until they locked eyes with Otamayomi's pretty brown ones.
So beautiful.
For a while we stayed like that, staring at each other, and I felt I could remain that way, getting lost in such pretty orbs.
She didn't look away. That act amused me and sent a smirk up my lips. As if coming back to reality, she blinked, looking startled and looked away.
I chuckled at her act. For strange reasons, I couldn't look away.
"Pretty, isn't she?" I heard Ayomide ask.
I smiled to myself as I watched her laugh and play. "Yeah."
~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~
I put on my watch and glanced at myself in the mirror. Then, I fell back on my bed and sighed.
I heard a knock at the door. I felt hesitant to let the person in, I knew who it was anyways. Eventually, I gave in and let the person come in.
The door knob turned and the door was pushed open. Aunt Fatima walked inside with a small smile on her face. She sat beside me without uttering a word and covered my hand with her smaller slender fingers.
She smiled again and nudged her head towards the door. "The driver's set."
I groaned and sat up, heaving a sigh. Aunt Fatima's hold on my hand tightened and I looked up at her.
She had a pleading look as she said to me, "Please. Do this, if not for yourself but for the happiness of your mother and sister. I don't think they would be too happy to have a son coping with a mental disorder. Do you?"
I kept quiet for a while, then, finally stood up. "No. No, I don't."
She stood up right after and placed her palms on the sides of my cheeks, then, she leaned forward and planted a kiss on my forehead. "You're a good boy no matter what any one else tells you, no matter what you tell yourself."
"Thank you." I said, almost inaudibly, forcing a small smile up my lips. I hugged her, shutting my eyes and she hugged me back. I pulled away from the hug, gave her a reassuring smile and stepped out of the room, the house, and into the car.
About thirty minutes later, the driver drove into the physiatrist hospital. The car came to a halt when he had parked right and he spoke up, "Oga son, we don land."
I would've chuckled at how funny that sounded if I hadn't been too busy staring at my wrists, covered with the grey hoodie I had on.
I wore hoodies for a reason.
My grip tightened on the lever on the car door that pushed it open and I shut my eyes.
Do this for your Mother, Aidan.
Do this for your sister, Aidan.
Do this, if not for yourself, but for the happiness of your mum and your sister.
I inhaled deeply and released a shaky breath.
I opened my eyes, pulled the lever and stepped out of the car.
Be strong, Aidan.
I headed for the psychology department of the hospital and, thanks to the aid of some persons, I had been able to locate the office of my therapist, Doctor Adaeze.
I knocked on the door and pushed it open a bit, peaking through the small space between the door and the wall.
"Come in." A feminine voice instructed. I stepped into the room and I was immediately amazed at the style at which the office was built.
It was much rather a room than an office, and boy was the room big and spacious. Its walls were painted white and it had a few paintings here and there. There weren't much items in the room other than the mini fridge at the end and a small glass table with a round surface positioned before two black sofas in the middle of the room.
That was when I noticed a light skinned lady on the right sofa with the stature of the Korean girls usually seen in movies, she had round-framed glasses on the bridge of her nose, braided hair that stopped just above her waist, and wore a peach colored baggy sweater and a black trouser.
She had one leg bent under the other which was propped down the sofa and touched the floor. She had a novel on her hands which she read with keen interest.
She was my therapist?
She looked old enough, facially, to be a professional at therapy. She looked like someone in her early thirties or late twenties, but her small frame and style of dressing made her look younger.
As if noticing someone else was inside the room with her, she looked up, pushed her glasses up her nose and smiled at me.
"Oh my gosh!" She exclaimed, dropping her book beside her and raising her hands in the air. "You're finally here."
I couldn't but smile at how genuinely happy she looked to see me. "Good evening."
"Evening, dearie. I was sure you had some appointments with me before now though." She shrugged. My smile faltered.
"You know what?" She smiled. "I think you're really brave agreeing to do this. A lot of people that need therapy don't always come for it because they're too scared to."
"Thank you." I smiled, although, shocked at the information.
"You're Aidan Wa..." She trailed off, trying to recall my surname.
"It's Aidan W—"
"No." She said, stopping me from going further. "I know this."
I nodded and placed my hands in my pockets, awaiting the, umm, recall.
"You're Aidan Wa...No."
"Aidan Wikton...No, that's not it."
"Weliton...I don't think that's a name."
"Wesley...No, I'm going into Harry Potter again."
I smiled, amused at her funny act, and I tilted my head as I watched her silently.
She was my therapist?
"Wiflon...No, not sure it's a name."
"Wostin...That doesn't sound right."
Her eyes widened after a moment, and she looked at me, jumping on her seat and pointing at me.
"Ah ha!" She exclaimed. "Aidan Wilson!"
I threw my head back in laughter at once, unable to hold myself, and she stared back at me, wondering what was so funny.
Moments after, she dropped her book beside her and sight correctly on her chair. "Right, Aidan. Have a seat."
My smile dropped immediately, and every ounce of happiness had been ripped out of me, my heart and mind feeling with dread.
I gulped staring at her warm smile, staring at the sofa she patted beside her. I gulped again. My eyes fell to the floor.
Aidan, you can do this. It's just a talk.
I breathed.
Do it for your mum, do it for Imogen.
I shut my eyes briefly, tightly.
"Aidan?" Dr. Ada called.
I put my hands in my pocket slowly, closed my eyes and made for the seat beside my therapist.
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I wanted to write the actual therapy session in this chapter but it was too long so I had to cut it short.
The next chapter will continue from there. So tell me what did you think of the chapter and Aiden especially and hear what you guys think.
My God, I love this book but I know that I am unintentionally killing it with my very very slow updates and I am really sorry.
*Sigh* I miss you guys, I miss your comments. I miss hearing your thoughts about stuff.
The end of this book will probably be like maybe 15 chapters or so, but please bear with me till then.
I love you.
Until next time,
Benzita13 ❤️
P. S: This chapter is totally dedicated to thegirlnamedcaren😏