When Hayden and I get to our dorm, we disappear into our bedrooms.
For some reason I can't sleep. I'm laying in my bed staring at the ceiling. I've tried every sleeping position, tea, music. Nothing is working. I can't sleep.
I pull myself out of bed, maybe sleeping on the couch will be better. The room is lit up from the full moon outside my window. I walk to my bedroom door and turn the handle before I hear a groan. Odd. I open the door as quietly as I can and sneak out, not bothering to close it behind me.
The groaning continues, not fast but very slow, as if something is happening inbetween each one. And it's not loud groaning, it's very quiet as if to stay undetected.
It's coming from Hayden's room. What the f*ck is he doing? It's way to late at night for whatever I think it is, and he doesn't seem like the person to have a girl over for a one night stand or something. Plus, I get the vibe that he would be pretty quiet during sex, and I don't hear anything other than his groans so it can't be what I think it is, right?
I really hope I'm right.
I stand at the closed door for what feels like ages and listen. Are they quiet groans or are they muffled groans? The more I stand here the more I hear it. It sounds like there's a pillow over his head.
Concerned and scared, I fling open the door. One of my hands is on the doorknob and the other is on the doorframe, spreading my arms apart as the door swings open. I'm huffing and puffing from the adrenaline.
"What the f*ck!" Hayden yells, rushing to hide himself with a pillow. He was shirtless, and had hardly anything on as pants.
"What the f*ck? Hayden. You sounded like you were getting strangled." I let go of the doorknob and put my hand on my chest, feeling my heart beat too fast.
"Well, I'm not. You can go now."
"What? No. What are you hiding?" I asks as I step closer to him. He's in the corner of his room, next to his bed. His window is wide open and the moonlight is seeping in, lighting up my face as I walk into it.
"What? Nothing. Adeline, go back to sleep."
"I've been awake," I say.
He's quiet for a minute as I step even closer, we're only a few feet apart now.
"Adeline, stop."
"Why? What's going on, Hayden?" I ask. "What are you trying to hide from me?" I feel my eyebrows go up as I ask.
"Nothing. Adeline, please," he pleads. "I don't want you to see me like this. I don't want anyone to see me like this, go." But I don't. He sounds so sad, vulnerable. I don't want him to suffer but I don't know what to do, he doesn't want me to be in here to see whatever it is he's hiding but I don't want to leave him in case it's something really bad.
It's funny, a month ago I wouldn't have cared.
"I don't care. However you think I'll see you after this, I won't. Please, what's wrong?" I ask. Now I'm pleading too. Desperate to know what his secret is.
Hayden doesn't talk. I get close enough to reach him. Inches apart. I grab the pillow, being used to hide his lower torso and legs, and pull it down.
The moonlight reflects onto it. Desperately trying to make it look appealing, but it's not.
Burn marks.
All over.
They're huge, big patches of skin gone. The burns aren't too deep but if someone poured water in the hole, it wouldn't spill out. They are light pink, a hint of purple too. Maybe the moon alters the color a little but it looks like there's some dark purple too.
Hayden's eyes are full of tears when I look away from his burns. Has he been in a fire? How did he not get burned higher up? This looks like a targeted area. Someone had to have done this. Someone did this, burned him, on purpose.
"Who did this to you?" I ask, tears forming in my own eyes now. I look back down at the burns and reach my hand out to feel them, to see if they are real. But I stop myself. They're definitely real. I'm not imagining it.
He lets out a sad laugh. One empty of joy, it lingers in the air once it ends. He stares down at me. One tear streaks his cheek. One singular tear only. "Me."
"Oh, Hayden," I say, reaching the extended hand to my mouth, covering the sobs. How had I not realized? How had I not heard him doing this before? Was I the reason? Was I too mean, too hateful? "How long," I stop to sniffle. "How long have you, um, been doing this?" I ask with tears in my eyes.
Hayden's quiet for a little. He watches my face before he answers. "A long time," he exhales.
"Hayden," I say, "don't play games with me, not now. How long?" I practically demand.
Another tears streaks his other cheek. He lets out a small, sad, smile. "Years," he answers. "Before I met you or any of the others. Years." He whispers the word, trying to grab hold of it. Understand it. He's been hurting himself for years.
I burst into sobs, not caring to try to hide them with anything but pure misery. My brother killed himself, at least that's what I believe for now. The police officers and FBI, they all found self harm. Years worth of it. Hayden reminds me of my brother, Alex. I don't want anyone else I know to hurt, or kill, themselves. I've had enough of that in my life.
"Hayden, you need to stop," I beg through tears. Tears that are streaming down my face like a waterfall, as if I'm the one getting caught hurting myself.
"I can't," he cries, burying his face in my shoulder. "I can't."
Word count: 1030
7-23-23
4:45 pm
(Not revised)
In a sad mood so, suffer!!!
Have a great day ❤️😊