Three years ago.
I am sitting next to my mom's bed in the hospital. Her breath is slow and weary. Her eyes are closed, but a soft smile is still placed on her face while on mine there are only tears and desperation.
The moment has arrived, and I am not ready for it. I don't think I would ever be.
She holds strongly my hand, for how much she can, and her thumb rubs my dry skin. «Don't cry, my beautiful child,» she whispers, opening her eyes to meet mine. The same light blue, two oceans mixing. «When you cry, you lose ten of your years,» she jokes, and a little chuckle leaves her mouth.
I can't believe she can still be this positive in her last moment. I wish I could have her force, but I sense the weakness like my father. I wonder if together we can move on from this.
I sniff, scrubbing my hand under my nose to wipe away the salty tears. «I don't want you to go,» I sob and bow my head, shaking it in disappointment. «Why you? Why do you have to leave me?»
«I am not-...» she coughs and then deeply inhales. «I am not leaving you, my beautiful baby. I will always be with you, next to you, listening to you. I'll be there.» She raises her other hand and points my chest towards my heart.
«It's not the same,» I point out with a choked tone. «You won't be here, physically with me.»
«Losing someone is never easy, I know,» she starts again, her smile shining on her pale face. «But you don't have to be sad about what you're losing, be proud of having spent time with them. Having had all of them. Having loved them, lived them and with them.» She closes her eyes, her breath slowing, and my father stands up from the chair, rushing next to me. «Never picture me the way I am right now, baby girl. Remember all those good moments we had because that's what made our journey special. And even if our roads now got separated, we will always have memories that will never drop us.»
The monitor on the bed's left starts to do deep beeps. And my heart beats fast, like a car in a race. My dad grips my shoulders and places the other hand on the crossed ones of me and my mom.
«Be proud of the girl you are and the woman you'll be one day,» my mom keeps speaking.
«Mom-»
«Never be sad because of me. Be smiley, and keep the saviour heart on. Take care of your father,» she chuckles meanwhile the nurse enters the room, and I start to panic, not being able to breathe properly. «Promise me one thing, Enede.»
I nod, even if she can't see me.
«Promise me that you will love. And whomever you'll love, do whatever it takes to never lose them. Love them like you love me and find in them what you saw in me. So you can finally be in peace-»
The monitor beeps become one, and my mom's hold on my hand loses. I lift my head, meeting her soft and relaxed face. Her eyes closed, and her motionless chest.
«No, Mom,» I start to yell, but my dad holds me before I jump on her. «Mom,» I yell again. Tears fill my face, and my heart breaks. «Mom, I can't do it without you. Mom!»
«Enede, please,» my dad whispers in his sobbing, strongly holding me.
She is gone.
And she asked me to love someone the same way I loved her.
How can she think I could do something like that?
No one can take her place. I will never love anyone. Either the way I loved her or in any other type.
She was my because.
And now I am full of why.
Present.
Losing someone in my life has had a big impact on me, bringing me to meet the bottom, the worst I could ever be or do. I promised myself that I would never sink so low again. That I would never let anyone break me so much. After my mom, no one could have been important enough to make me feel so weak.
To feel that pain in my chest.
Because I thought my mom would've been the only one I could ever love that much to let my mind lose control. Her promise, the one before she died, I never kept it. I packed it in my head and never brought it back to life because it was so silly for her pretending me to love someone as much as I loved her. Even more.
No, it was just something that right there I couldn't do.
And I still believed that three months ago.
I had a strong opinion of love. I would've found someone and got attached to them, but that's it. My love would've been like caring for a friend, just a bit more. That the love I felt for my mother was the only one that could've been called like that.
Still until three months ago.
Now, I am afraid to fall again. Not as much as I fell for my mom, but still making my life change in a way I can't turn back.
When I realised I loved Kevin, I thought about the promise I made to my mom, but it was still something I took with a grain of salt, not wanting to waste it. Still, hide it in my head and keep it to myself. But now, with me sitting in the same position as I was three years ago, with my hand sunk in an unconscious Kevin's hand, I am lifting my promise.
The little beep is trilling in my ears, making me remember that day like it was yesterday. The rest of the room is silent, probably because no one has the braveness to speak with me.
As we arrived, my dad stopped me before I could yell or do something stupid. He explained that Kevin is out of danger but also that he doesn't know when he might wake up. He lost a lot of blood, and someone noticed him when he was already passed out. The doctors had to remove two bullets from his chest, and he was so lucky because he was shot near his heart but not so much as to risk his life. My dad tried to reassure me the quickest as possible, already knowing what it feels like.
My dad took care of him as soon as he recognised Kevin entering the hospital, and I was grateful he was the one touching him, knowing he would never let something bad happen to him.
Daniele was right behind me when we arrived, and even if my dad was confused about why he was there, he let both of us walk in. And now the investigator is sitting on a chair not so far away from the bed where Kevin lays, silent.
I have cried since I received the news. I am still sobbing, but tears have stopped falling. My forehead pushed down on Kevin's hand.
As I said, nobody has the braveness to talk to me. They know how fragile I may be right now, and I don't want to speak with anyone. But I am aware of what must be done. We have to accomplish the plan. I am just not in the mood to talk about it right now.
«Do you need anything?» Daniele suddenly asks with a dim voice, placing his hand over my shoulder. I don't even flinch when he touches me. I don't move. I shake my head, not even speaking. «You must eat something.»
You're starving, Enede. This is not what your mom wanted from you! I lift my head, swallowing the knot in my throat and place my eyes on Kevin's shut ones. And then I sigh. «Can I just have hot cocoa? I really can't eat anything right now.»
«I'll put a lot of sugar in it, okay?»
I force myself to smile and nod before hearing his steps fade away before he disappears behind the door.
I shake my head, wondering who the hell shot him. It couldn't have been his father. I am sure that he maybe doesn't trust Kevin, but he would never kill his son. Not again. The only person that came into my mind is Nando, but even about him, I wonder why. If they're going to talk for a deal, why risk everything by shooting the leader's son? Maybe they want to test Joe and see how far he would go. I don't know.
«You promised,» I whisper, tilting my head and taking a look at his fluffy and messy blonde hair before inhaling sharply. «You told me nothing bad would've happened to you. Look at you, you stupid liar. I knew something would've happened. I should've been prepared for it.»
I should've known that danger never left us. «But what I hate the most right now is how much I let myself fall for you. Because I love you so much that I'm afraid to revere what I experienced with my mother.
I thought I couldn't love anyone the way I loved her. I promise to never do that. She deserved the first place in my heart, but now I think I can permit myself to love someone like I did with her or even more.»
It feels so wrong to say those words like I am replacing my mom's spot in my heart, but it is not like that. She will always be the top one, but I need to let other people enter and let myself live and love. I know she will never blame me because this is what she asked me before dying. She wanted me to love again because she knew I would stop after her.
And now I am loving again.
«Please, Kevin. Stay with me. Don't leave me. I can't handle another loss.»
The room's door opens, and I spin my head to check who that is, and seeing my dad appearing makes me smile softly. I know he is scared of my reaction to all of this, but I know Kevin is not letting me. He wouldn't let this happen. He is strong, and he has reasons to stay alive.
«How do you feel?» My dad slowly walks in my direction, offering me a plastic glass, probably with the hot cocoa I asked Daniele.
I thank him before taking the drink in my free hand, never letting the one with Kevin's. «I have no idea,» I answer with a deep sigh. «I thought I wouldn't experience this again.»
«You won't,» he says urgently, placing him next to me. «Both because he won't leave you, and you're stronger now. You can handle it.»
I lift my head, meeting his eyes. His gaze darkens, and I don't even notice it. «Yeah, but I— how are you sure he is not going?»
«I was the one taking care of him. There is no risk for him to... be gone. Yes, he lost a lot of blood and probably hit the head, but none of this was irreparable. I have faced more complex injuries, and people survived.» My dad caresses my head before gazing at Kevin. «Plus, he doesn't look like someone who gives up easily. He won't go anywhere.»
I nod and sip my hot drink, relaxing as the warm liquid fills my body. «Thank you, Dad.»
«You still owe me answers, Enede,» he starts with a stern voice. «One of those will be why he got shot. You almost look like you were expecting this, and I am stepping on this for now. But this doesn't end here.»
«I know,» I answer. «I'll tell you everything, I promise. I told you.»
I hear him taking a deep breath before bowing his head over me and kissing my forehead. «I have to go. Daniele will be back here and won't let you alone, by my command. So, don't discuss it.»
I chuckle and nod. «Okay,» I mumble. «Do you know how could take for him to wake up?»
«Not long,» he answers, scratching his chin. «He is resting. It will probably take one or two days. It always depends on the patient's mind. Keep talking with him, so he'll hear you and come back.»
One or two days? The attack. The meeting will be in two days, and Kevin can't be there in this condition. We must think of a Plan B. I rush my head over to Daniele, who just came in, and give him an urging look before greeting my dad, who leaves us. When the man moves back his gaze on me, he reaches me.
«He just told me he could wake up in one or two days,» I whisper. «And even if he wakes up in time, he can't afford the meeting in this way. We need to think something.»
Daniele frowns. «There is nothing else to do to reach Joe and tell him about his son if he doesn't know it yet.»
«What?»
«What are we supposed to do? Either we wait for Kevin to wake up and let him risk it or make a deal with the devil,» he tells me and shrugs.
I shake my head. «No, there can be something else we can do. I am not going to put him there, knowing how weak he is, plus I am not going to call that shit and deal with him, knowing how much he cares about his son.»
I turn my head over the bed again. What could we do? Since Kevin's presence is not necessary, Daniel can still send the army without him. But Joe might wonder where his son is and change something. We can't risk that. We must keep everything the way it is.
I bite my inner lip, thinking but with nothing coming up to my mind. Then my phone buzzes. It probably is Antonio. I told him what happened and warned him to call me later, but he didn't wait that much.
«Hey,» I answer, standing up and moving away from the bed to reach the window.
I can hear a chaotic background from the phone and frown, wondering where he is. «I hate Milan's traffic,» he complains. «How is he?»
I peer over Kevin's sleeping and then look back at the window. «Resting,» I assert. «Since ten hours,» I add, remembering when I came here. It was late morning, around probably ten in the morning, and now it's almost eleven. I have no idea if I will spend the night here or even if my dad allows me to. I know there are times for visits to follow, but I don't want to leave.
«Ten hours?» My best friend's voice is shocked. «Have you any idea who did it?»
«No,» I answer firmly. «I wish I knew, but I guess I have to wait for him to wake up.»
«That's shit,» he comments. «I'll pass by tomorrow, okay? I'll be a bit with you.»
«It's fine. You don't have to. Daniele is also here. My dad checks on me every 30 minutes. No need to bother.»
«Hey, he is my brother-in-law. I am concerned about him.»
I chuckle, twisting my nose. I still don't like how he is so comfortable calling Kevin my boyfriend or stuff like that because I have no idea what we are. But I am aware that after today's shock, my feelings for him are deeper than I thought. «As you wish, but you don't have to, okay? I know you're thinking about her, but it's not the same,» I lower my voice. «He is not leaving me. He is just resting.»
Antonio's silence makes me realise that he is worried about my sanity, but I don't know what else to say to make everyone calm down about how I feel. I am scared, yes. I fear him suddenly leaving me, also yes. But this isn't devastating me. There is a big hope in my chest telling me that he will wake up. Tomorrow or the day after, but he will. And my chest feelings never fail me.
«I will stop by to say hello, okay? Just to see you.»
I smile. «Sure. Maybe he'll be already awake. Who knows,»
«Better for him to be. I need to say a few words.»
«Tonio,» I call him, and he laughs. «Love you, see ya tomorrow.» After I hang up, I spin my body over Daniele's figure. «You can go back home. I will go back with my dad.»
Daniele lifts his sleepy eyes on me. «You know,» he begins, and I sit back next to Kevin, taking his hands. Not hearing his voice for so long is so weird. I miss it. «Last time I was this scared was when my ex-wife called me for the first kid to fall over the bike,» he whispers with a bitter voice. «You two made me feel something again. A sort of reborn. That's crazy. I needed two kids to make me realise how much life is important. My offer for you to work with me is still open.»
«I know, but after graduation, I'll probably move away with him to England.»
Daniele frowns. «Have you talked about this with your father?»
My smile drops, and I shake my head. «I am waiting for this to be over before telling him everything.»
Daniele slowly nods before standing up from the chair. «He really believes in your 'book' and he can't wait to read it,» he confesses to me. «You should write it one day. For real.»
Then he reaches me and grips my shoulder before saying goodbye and leaving the room. Only the beeps of Kevin's heartbeats sound around, and I close my eyes, pushing my forehead over the bed, sighing deeply and wondering how I will face my dad about all the truth and my plan for the future. Lately, we haven't had time to spend together like we used to. And once we would, I'll leave? Even if it's not something that will happen tomorrow, it still seems not enough. I had my whole life with my mom, and when she left me, it seemed we were never together. I should stop being gripped by my attachment and let my life have its road instead of following others. I will always be surrounded by my people.
The beeps start to sound far away, dim. Like they're fading away. I can't hear them properly, and my eyes are heavy. Maybe I should rest a bit, together with Kevin. We both need to rest. I'm sure I'll still be here beside him when I wake up. Maybe he'll be awake, and his smile will be back on his face.
Maybe I am already dreaming. Fears always appear in nightmares. I'll wake up, and everything is back to normal. The plan will go as we decided, and there is no need to worry about it.
Everything is gonna be fine.
I'll be in peace.
But when I woke up, I am not laying on Kevin's bed in the hospital. I am in a bed, but it's mine. I have no idea how much I have slept or how I arrived here, but when I realise what's going on I quickly sit in the middle of the mattress, with fast breath. Two hands reach my shoulders and gently grip it.
I move my head to meet Antonio's dark eyes. «Good morning, princess. Or should I say good evening?»
«Evening?» I trill, looking around to find my phone, and when I pick it up to check the time, it is off. «What time is it? How much have I slept?»
«Hey, hey. Calm down,» my best friend steers his head to check my gaze, but I am panicking. «It's seven in the evening. You slept almost twenty hours.»
I jump off the bed. «I have to go back to the hospital,» I burst, moving fast towards my closet. «Why no one woke me up? Why do you always have to be this kind of care when it's unnecessary?»
«Enny, you literally fell asleep on Kevin's bed in the hospital. When your father tried to pick you up, you didn't leave his hand easily,» Antonio explains while standing up and reaching me. «You need to calm down and rest to face the day.»
«What day, Antonio?» I yell over him. «It's seven in the evening. I have lost a full day because you all wanted me to rest when I didn't need to. I have plenty of time to rest.» I turn back to pick up some clothes. Then I storm away from Antonio, reaching my bathroom and smashing the door before locking it.
I hear my best friend stopping right outside the door, and I do a deep inhale. «I know you want to be there if he wakes up, Enede. But your dad has kept me on track. He is still resting.»
«You don't understand, Antonio, no one does,» I whisper, holding back my tears. «You all are afraid of me when he is the one passed out. He has no one, don't you get it? He is alone. He only has me. If he wakes up, he'll see unknown faces. Do you think if he sees my father it will make him feel good?»
«Daniele is there.»
I cry out, frustrated that he doesn't get it. I turn around, turn on the shower and get undressed. I want to be there if he wakes up because I am sure I am his first thought. He would think how scared I am, knowing that after losing my mom, I am traumatised to lose anyone I care about. But it's not that I care. It's just that he needs to see someone he feels safe with. He can't open his eyes and sees no one around him. He has been alone for years.
Now he has me.
And people are pulling me away when there is no need.
I dress up fast, rush out of the bathroom to pick up my phone and bag, and then march back to the entrance, where I sit on the floor to wear my shoes. Everything, under Antonio's sorry gaze.
I sigh and stop tying my shoe. «I am sorry,» I start, lifting my head. «I know I should calm down. It's just that...» I linger my stare on him, not knowing how to explain myself.
«You love him, I get it,» Antonio speaks for me. «And I have never seen you feeling this much. I am sorry I suppress your time with him when he needs you the most. You're right,» he admits inching to take his coat and dressing it up. «I was under orders from your father, and I didn't feel like disobeying him.»
I put a soft smile on my face before standing up and taking my coat. «You're forgiven,» I inform him. «Now drive me to the hospital the faster you can.»
During the trip, my mind rolls back to the plan. I have an idea. No one will like it, but there is no other option. I don't even care if they will stop me. Everyone knows when I have something in my mind, it's not easy to back me off. What I have in my mind is dangerous, I am aware of it, but I am pretty sure it can help keep the plan safe and going everything as we want to. Joe will be amused by it, but he won't decline what he will have in front of him, and I can't wait to see his face.
«Next time, ask what I want,» I push my dad away when he tries to stop me in the middle of the hallway and march directly into Kevin's room, where I enter like a hurricane and sit in the same chair.
He is still sleeping in the same position and with the same expression. I take a breath of relief and turn my head over to my dad, who is entering the room with a scowl gaze. I look away, not wanting to speak with him right now. Yes, he is my father. Yes, he is worried about me. It's okay for me to sleep, but the whole day? No.
«Your attachment to this boy is not good,» he suddenly says, and I feel Antonio's eyes on my back. «The last time I have seen you this worried was when your mom had the first fall.»
I clench my fist, calming down the urge to yell at him. I am too furious to speak. If I do it, I will probably say things I regret after. I muse silently, settling my eyes on Kevin's face. I need to talk with him. With no one in the room. But my silence is not liked by my father, who is now on the other side of the bad, facing me.
«I am still your father, and you still need to listen to me.»
I narrow my eyes, defying him. Remembering him from whom I have my temper. «I am an adult. There is no need to control me or commands my best friend to spy on me so I don't leave the house,» I say calmly. «I am not the same as I was three years ago. This situation is not the same.»
«What if he would have died?» My heart aches at the thought, and my father catches it. «Exactly. I don't want to see you brushing the end again, Enede. Whatever this boy is into, it's dangerous, and you must back off.»
«It will be over in not so long,» I drift. «There will be no danger anymore.»
«What are you talking about?»
«I'll tell-»
«You'll tell me everything now.»
I shift my eyes from my father to Kevin and back to my dad. «Please, Dad. You told me I have to talk with him to push the awakening. I already waste a full day. Please,» I beg him, staring at his eyes.
My dad is about to shake his head, but then he understands. Something inside him changed his mind and made him relent. «I-» he huffs, passing a hand in his hair. «I really don't like this situation, but I'll let you be with him until he wakes up. Then you'll tell me everything.»
I won't be here to tell you everything. «Okay.»
My dad walks out of the room in silence and followed by Antonio. I look back at Kevin. «You won't like what I am thinking, I am pretty sure you'll be furious about it, but it must be done this way, okay? I love you, Kevin. The only person I have loved this much was my mom, and I am not letting you risk your life again when something else can be done.» I pick up my phone and turn it on. «Trust me. Everything will be fine, and after that, we will be finally free.» I type the contact app and search for Daniele's number. «You have done everything. In your whole life, you have always pushed your limits more and more. Now it's your time to back off, and let me do it for you, okay? I can do it.» I wait for Daniele to pick up the call. «You know, I am missy headstrong. Once I have something in my mind, nobody can change it.»
«Enede? Did he wake up?»
«I'll go,» I say with no hesitation.
Daniele stays quiet for some seconds. «What?»
«I'll meet Joe out of the meeting place. I'll go instead of Kevin.»
«Absolutely not,» he bursts. «First, it's too dangerous. Second, he'll kill me if he knows I let you go there.»
«I don't care,» I point out. «It's the only thing we can do. I already have everything ready to tell Joe once I am there. There is no worry, and you'll come right in time to make it finish.»
«And what if the army is not there in time and Joe planned something different?»
«He won't,» I grit. «He won't touch me. He knows that if he does it, Kevin will act as a consequence.»
«Enede, I said no.»
«Still not my problem,» I scoff. «I am tired of everyone telling me what I can and can't do. People keep controlling me or pushing me aside because you all think I am fragile and I can't stand for myself. Well, guess what. I can, and I'll demonstrate to all of you.»
«He'll kill me,» Daniele whispers in his teeth. «You should wait for him to wake up.»
«If he wakes up in time, I'll tell him,» I warn him. «If he doesn't, well... he'll know somehow.»
I hear the man on the other side of the phone breathing heavily before letting it go. He agrees with it, not that he had a different choice. I have already decided, and that's the way it will be.
Tomorrow I'll be the one attending Joe outside the meeting spot, and he'll be happy to see me there. I already have in my mind what I'll tell him. He won't say no to me. I am pretty sure I impressed him, and even if he thinks I am the reason why his son is weak, I can convince him to make me the strong one. Just for a few hours, a tiny bit of time before his wall falls and his certainties become dust.
Joe will be ash, and I'll be his fire.
—
AUTHOR'S SPACE
Enede will be in big trouble when Kevin wakes up and finds out what she has in her mind. She knows that, but she can't do anything else.
She loves Kevin, and when you love someone, it just drives you crazy.
As our dear Taylor Swift said: don't blame love made me crazy.
And Enede is seeing black right now. She only wants to save Kevin, and she is willing to to accomplish that.
Q: any idea how this will end?
Lemme know by commenting!
Love ya, Benny.<3
CHAPTER'S COVER MADE BY ME.