Chapter 15- I Just Want Her Back
I didn't leave Isaiah's room until visiting hours were over. Although I feel bad that I didn't give his family alone time with him, I don't think I would take it back if I had the chance. His heart monitor remained at a constant the whole time I was there and I think that's the scariest part; he didn't get any better or any worse. If I close my eyes now, 24 hours later, I can still hear his steady heartbeat and as I sleep, it is the only thing I hear. For the first time since I began my career, I called off work. I couldn't handle going into work with Brooky's screams filling my ears.
I don't even blame the other driver, not at all. I blame myself completely. At least once a day I imagine what would have happened had I not been on the road that day. We were on our way to Berkley's house for the night, the skies were sunny and clear; a perfect day. Brooky was in her green and pink Tinkerbell car seat in the back seat of my 1996 Lexus singing along to the music playing in her little head. She had her favorite baby doll in her arms and a small packet of fruit snacks resting in her lap. For a split second I glanced in my rear view mirror and when I focused my eyes back on the road there was a truck coming at me full speed. Brooky must have seen the truck too because she began screaming as loud as her little lungs allowed her to. I swerved to the right to try and get out of the way but ended up getting hit on my side, luckily Brooky's seat was opposite of mine. It didn't do us any good though. My window shattered causing glass shards to lodge themselves into anything they could. My abdomen was full of them; some so deep they punctured my stomach. That happens to be the reason I get the stomach pains. A few of the shards hit Brooky, one in her eye and another in her left ear. She died soon after. The driver of the truck survived with the loss of sight in his left eye and some scratches and bruises. To this day I'm not sure how the truck got into my lane or why the driver lost control of his brakes but he did and now Brooky is gone. There is only me to blame though; maybe if I was paying attention I could have moved out of the way in time. Brooklyn Riya Donavan was my baby girl and she died at age 3. She would be 5 in two months.
"Blair! Snap out of it! What's wrong?" Brayden had insisted on coming over to make sure I was okay. He is such a sweet guy.
"I'm fine, Brayden. Could you take me to Kylah's house? I really need to talk to her." I distantly replied. I was having trouble focusing on things.
"You can talk to me." Maybe it was just me but it sounded as if he was getting snippy. I was too lazy to look up from my lap though to see if his tone of voice matched the look on his face
"No, I really can't. Please take me to Kylah's. I'm not in any shape to drive. It would be greatly appreciated, hun." Another traitor tear escaped from the corner of my eye and made it half way down my cheek before I swiped at angrily.
I heard him sigh angrily before he grabbed his keys off the end table next to the couch I was sitting on. He gently took both of my small hands in his, despite his previous anger, kissed my forehead and pulled me onto my feet. "Let's go then, little lady."
Despite my melancholy mood, I rolled my eyes at the nickname. I trailed behind him to my door where I quickly slipped on a pair of flats and then proceeded to follow him out the door to his car, all the while still holding his hand in mine. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t remember the car ride to Kylah’s house. I do know that he kissed my cheek before leaving though; it felt safe. For once in my life I felt safe.
Currently, I was curled up on Kylah’s living room couch, not responding to the real world. I was stuck in the past…again. I felt the scream forming in the pit of my stomach, the same scream I let free when I found out Brook was gone. The world was a living nightmare constantly replaying the day I lost Brook. Sooner or later I was going to shatter and no one will be able to fix me. The scream ripped its way through my throat before I could hold it back. Not even a minute after I screamed there were arms wrapped around me. Kylah’s scent wrapped itself around me, sheltering me from the painful memories. Sobs wracked through my body and tears fell from my eyes without warning. I couldn’t stop them; it was as if the flood gates had been broken.
“Blair, calm down. No one can stop you from feeling the pain; you have to choose to remember the good times. You have to choose to live in the present, even if that means letting go of that day. Brook is still in your heart and she is still in your memories. She isn’t gone forever.” Kylah whispered as she rocked us back and forth. She always did have a way of making me feel like a child.
My only reply was more gut-wrenching sobs. Eventually, I gave up trying to hold them in, it was too hard. By the time the tears let up, the only thing coming from me was little whimpers every now and then. Kylah, bless her heart, held me the entire time. I yawned quietly and closed my eyes; the crying had taken away all my energy. The good memories that I had with Brooky were playing behind my closed eyes and it was to them that I fell asleep to. The first peaceful sleep I had in two years.
I awoke to the sound of a child crying. On instinct, I got up and followed the sound only to find a little girl on the floor of the kitchen bawling her eyes out. Pulling her into my arms carefully I started to rock her back and forth, soothing her desperate cries almost immediately. “It’s okay, sweetie. I’m right here; mommy’s right here.” I murmured against the top of her head.
Within seconds the little girl’s body went still in my arms, dead asleep. I kissed her forehead gently before walking back over to the couch so I could lay her down. As soon as I laid her down on the couch she started whimpering, “Mommy.” I wrapped her back into my arms as quickly as I could without jostling her and laid down with her. Too late did I realize that the little girl in my arms wasn’t Brooky. It was Aurora. Even with the realization, I was too exhausted to move and soon fell asleep with Aurora wrapped in my arms. It felt nice having a child curled up next to me again.
“Wake up, Blair. Come on, hun. I know you can hear me!” I could feel someone shaking me but the words were distant. Almost as if I was underwater.
I mumbled into my arm before lifting my head with a frown. “Yes?”
“Wake up!” Kylah growled with her hands on her hips.
I smiled slightly and sat up with a yawn. “Where did Aurora go?”
“She’s playing with Camden again.” She said with a chuckle. “I’m sorry about that, by the way. I completely forgot that I had to babysit today. She wasn’t supposed to wake you up.”
“Don’t worry about it, hun. I didn’t mind at all. Where were you, though? She was bawling her eyes out.” I replied, muffling another yawn.
She shook her head with a smile and reached out her hand to help me up. “I was in the kitchen making her a snack. You walked in on autopilot, calmed her down, and then you two took a nap. You didn’t even notice me.” Before she was done speaking she was headed for the stairs, most likely to save Camden from Aurora.
“She called me mommy.” I whispered to myself in disbelief. I couldn’t believe that I called MYSELF her mommy.
“Yeah she did.” Kylah answered. Damn it, she wasn’t supposed to hear that.
I stifled my response and followed her to her and Camden’s room where Aurora was telling Camden a very intense story about some bird she saw the other night. Who doesn’t love little kids’ stories?
Breaking off mid story, Aurora came running over to us. “Mommy!”
She leaped into my arms, giving me just enough warning to catch her. “No, honey, I’m Blair. Remember?”
She shrugged her shoulders before smiling at me so cutely it mended my broken heart for that moment. “Play with me, Bear?”
I chuckled at her mispronouncing and nodded my head. After gently setting her back on her feet, I grabbed her hand and followed her over to her princess bag that held all of her toys. What are we playing, sweet pea?”
“Princesses!!” she screamed, obviously happy about the game.
I quickly gave Camden and Kylah a thumbs up before helping Aurora into her princess costume. They quietly left the room to do who knows what, leaving me and Aurora to ourselves. We played princesses until the sun went down and we were forced to turn on the light in Camden and Kylah’s room. Even then we played for another hour. There was something so refreshing about playing meaningless games with a toddler.
“Dinner’s ready!” Kylah yelled from the kitchen.
I helped Aurora pick up all her toys before giving her a piggy back ride down to the kitchen. “Go faster, Bear!”
I picked up my pace making her giggle louder. Sliding into the kitchen, I swung Aurora from my back and threw her in the air making her squeal. Finally, I sat her down in her chair before helping Kylah get dinner put on the table.I helped Aurora eat her chicken fingers and mashed potatoes while keeping a constant conversation going with Camden and Kylah. Something I did a lot of in the past. I missed this, everything, the constant speed of things, the multi-tasking, even the early mornings. I just wanted my baby back.
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Congratulations to sexyangel96 for guessing correctly about who Brooky was first!! I hope I answered some of your guys' questions in this chapter. The picture to the right is of Brooky:) Isn't she adorable?? I'm so sorry for taking so long to update!!! It shouldn't be this long next time! Thank you for sticking with me and still reading!! Remember to vote, comment, and maybe fan? I love you guys!!