CADEN
I need to talk to her. So the next morning, I drive to her dorm.
I walk up the staircase and to her door. My heart beats like crazy as I ring the doorbell. Every part of me wants her. Wants to see her again. Yet on the other hand, I also wonder whether it's too soon to start trying to win her back.
They say the sooner the better.
I hope they're right.
The door opens, yet it's not Nini who now is in front of me. Sofia is standing like frozen, her fingers curled tighter around the handle as she notices me. Her bodyguard must have noticed the gesture too, since his fingers now curl around one of the sides of his pants. On a pocket that looks incredibly similar to a gun holder. I swallow hard and turn my attention back to Sofia. I can see how something is different about her. At first, I don't even recognize what. Her hair is still perfectly styled, as if she just came out from a hair salon. Her outfit is like the other ones she's wearing, basically Chanel head-to-toe. I remember how Tessa had once had a phase in which she tried to copy Sofia's look. Said that she wouldn't remain the only fancy dressed person at Wrencore. However, all her attempts failed. While the clothes didn't seem to match to Tessa, but rather like they would be forced onto her, Sofia seems to own this look. Like they were only ever meant to be hers.
I look at her again trying to figure out what happened. Because believe it or not, I started to give a shit about her. Not in a romantic way. The only one I even look at in a romantic way is Nini. She's in my every dream, my every thought and my every breath. I started to look at Sofia as a friend. It's clear she cares about my girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, and she has saved me multiple times from making a complete fool of myself. Seeing Sofia hurt isn't exactly pleasant. And I know she's hurt. Because that's what changed. Her eyes. They are now filled with worries and a slight tone of red. The only crack in her perfectness. The only sign that she's indeed in pain.
"Caden", she greets me after some time, making it clear she's been analyzing me too. And from the way she said it, it's clear she realized how hurt I am.
I can hear voices from inside the apartment. My heart only focuses on one. Nini's. She's here.
"Let me talk to her", I ask Sofia, my eyes begging her for help. She wants to say something, yet her other bestie appears in front of the door, her long dark curls slapping me in the face as she turns to look at the blonde. As April meets my eyes, I instantly realize the hair slap was intentional. Especially as her eyes scream You deserved this.
"What the hell do you think you're doing here?" April asks me, skipping the greeting. I try not to sound annoyed as I explain.
"I came here to talk to Nini. I need to tell her what actually happened."
Both girls open their mouths to answer, yet it's Nini's voice toning from the living room that is to be heard first.
"Tell Caden I'm busy right now. And tell him to get lost."
I swallow hard, her words like bullets to my heart. I deserve this. I know I did. After how bad I fucked things up.
Keep trying. No matter how hard, Jacob's advice flashes through my mind.
And I might be a fool, but I continue.
"I just need to talk to you, Broadway. Please."
Her answer isn't instant. It takes a while before we can hear something else again. And it's not her voice. But footsteps. In a few seconds, Nini is standing in the doorstep next to her friends. I take a moment to look at her. And I immediately feel sick. Her eyes are redder than I have ever seen them. Her mouth seems to haven't smiled for decades. Her palms have red spots from where they have been bleeding, probably after Nini dug her fingers into her skin.
And I am to blame.
She takes the ends of the sleeves of her sweatshirt into her hands, probably a gesture to keep her from making new red marks on her palms. With a look, she tells Sofia and April to leave the two of us alone. The girls leave, but not without sending me a death glare first. April's eyes scream violence and broken bones. Sofia's point to dungeons and more broken bones from her bodyguard or her boyfriend.
I swallow hard and try not to let that affect me.
As soon as we're alone, Nini slips a key in her pocket from the little pin wall on the wall. She then steps closer to me, til our faces are a few inches away. Her intention wasn't a kiss. I knew that from the way she immediately backed away as soon as she closed the door behind her. Probably to protect her friends from hearing us fight.
"I don't need your talking, Caden. You made it pretty clear last night", she begins, her voice colder than cold. It was frozen, sending no emotions, no sign of any even small part of affection left after months we've spent together.
I try hard to look past that and continue: "But I didn't. You only heard it from Tessa. Not from me."
"Yeah, Tessa dear. How is your new girlfriend by the way? Still looking at you as the honest boyfriend or did she become a deal too?"
I swallow hard, my fist clenching. But not to threaten Nini. Never to threaten Nini. But to stop the rage growing inside me against Tessa. I don't know what I might do if this rage keeps building up. She already hurt Nini and the thing I'd enjoy doing is hurting her back for ever even talking to the love of my life.
"I already told you yesterday. She is not my girlfriend. And will never be. Not when you are the love of my life."
"Yeah, I know you've said that", she replies, her tone unchanged. "I just thought that might be a lie too. Seems you're pretty good at it, since you've had months of practice."
Her words send a new wave of pain in me. I can see how much I hurt her. How I broke her heart. Her kind, pure, loving heart. And I broke it.
"I never lied to you", I let out. "Not when talking about my feelings towards you. Not when kissing you. Not when telling you I want to spend the rest of my life with you." It is true. I haven't told Nini she started out as a deal, but I never lied to her about loving her. Even our first kiss. The one we shared while reading Shakespeare lines. I kissed her because every part of me wanted me to kiss her, and not because it was part of some paragraph in a contract.
She takes a deep breath. I can see how her eyes start filling up with emotion again. How that cold mask she put on slips away for a second and I see the real her again. One second. That's all it takes before she puts the mask back on.
One second. But it was enough to give me hope.
"How could I ever trust you again, Caden?" she asks, shouting really. Her tone is still cold, but her voice is shaking.
"I don't know", I whisper back, since it's the only answer which is true.
"You don't know?!" she snaps, her voice really shaking now. "And if you don't know, how the heck am I supposed to know?!"
I take a deep breath before I say: "I know I messed up. Really bad. And I wasn't the man you deserved. I didn't tell you the truth about how we really got to meet and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was a coward and didn't find the courage to tell you sooner, afraid I might lose you. But now I messed up. And I lost you. I can't put in words what I feel right now. How it feels like to wake up and know I am not able to call you mine. How it feels like to live in a world in which I know that you don't want to be a part of my life anymore. You deserve a guy that will always be honest with you and that will give you the world. You deserve a guy who'll make you smile and who'll wipe out your tears. But not tears he's the reason for. He will never be the reason for your tears. A guy who'll wish you goodnight with a kiss, hold you in his arms all night and help you start your day with a smile."
Nini looks at me confused, before she asks: "And what do you expect me to do?! Get a dating app?"
"No", I reply, wanting to continue yet she interrupts me.
"Then what? Find another? What do you expect me to do here?"
It's clear she's on the verge of losing her patience and her control and that she might snap and break in tears any second now. I don't want to be the one who made her cry, but I have to tell her how I feel.
"No. Heck no. I'm not telling you to find another. I am asking you to give me another chance. Give me a chance so that I can prove to you I could be that guy."
The next moments happen like in fast forward. Nini gasps, a tear rolling down her face. She reaches for the key in her pocket and opens the door. It closes right in front of me.
As I am able to realize what's happening around me again, I am staring at a wooden door, that now fills the space Nini was in before.
I reach out my hand to knock, but I know it's worthless. No one is opening me the door again. Nini for sure not, and Sofia and April might open it and slam it in my face afterwards.
With a last look at the door, I take a deep breath and head for my car.
As soon as I'm seating on the driver's seat, I take out my phone from my pocket. I turn the screen away from me and look at its back. The phone case, the one that holds the pictures we took at that photo booth in Cordelia. The ones in which we're smiling so bright and we're so in love.
I am more in love with her now. Some say that love fades away with time, but my love for her is only getting stronger with the day. Every smile I get from her gets better. Every kiss gets better. Every I love you gets stronger.
I look at the photos again and promise myself one thing. I will not lose hope. I will fight for this girl every single day of the rest of my life if that's what it takes to get her back. Because she's the only one worth fighting for. The only one that gives the rest of my life a meaning.
It's time to work on "Groveling" Part B.