~
"...I love you more than anything—but don't tell Riki I said that..."
~
[Sunoo]
Would he still love me? He says he will, but if he really knew, could he? It's so easy to say that he'll still love me no matter what, because he does and there's no reason he shouldn't... as far as he knows.
Is it bad of me? I know we've only just started going out and there's a lot for me to learn about him as well, but is this too much? It almost feels like I'm keeping things from him, and he's such a good person that he won't ask so he won't rush me.
Just being next to him hurts. I care about him, but I care about him so much that I'm keeping things from him. I want him to love me, yet won't let him know everything. Is it really me that he loves? Or is it just the image I've projected so I can be the boyfriend he'll stay with? Those are the thoughts that have been flooding my mind. They're eating away at my happiness, and in a way my sanity too.
"Hyung," I called out to him softly and held onto his sleeve. He looked at me, a mouth full of pancakes, and furrowed eyebrows. I'm pretty sure he's worried. "I need to tell you everything." Just saying those words brought tears to my eyes, and that's all he needed.
He swallowed his food and held my hand. "Hey, it's okay. I told you that I don't mind—"
"But I do," I blurted out. I didn't mean to cut him off, but those words made me feel even worse every time. I didn't wanna listen. "I'm hiding myself, and it's not fair. You can say you'll still love me, but how can I know for sure if you don't know?!" Losing control of my emotions isn't my usual way of expression, but it's been lingering inside of me for years. The rage, the hatred, the regret, the embarrassment, the fear, the pain—all of it.
He froze up a little, but he stayed calm. I admire him for that. "I'm listening," he ensured. "Whatever you need to say, I'll listen."
I dropped my head in shame. I've never talked about it out loud, never had to. "My dad died a while back, when I was still an elementary student," I started simple. "That's how I met Jungwon, because our Moms are close friends. They went to school together just like we did... b-but in middle school..." it got hard to think straight. I was shaking and my heart was unsteady.
Regret is an odd feeling. Like, when you regret something, but part of you feels comforted by the fact that it happened. That's a confusing thing to feel and it drives me half mad. But he reminded me that he's here. He squeezed my hand gently and traced shapes on the back of it. He brought me back.
I cleared my throat. "Um... I had just found out that it wasn't an accident. The entire thing with my dad was a setup because he had an affair, but the woman couldn't live with the fact that he wanted to stay with my mom. And she hid it from me." I balled my hands into fists as tears slipped down my face. "I didn't know what to do. I was so confused and angry that I ran down the street to Jungwon, but being in middle school only made me more jumbled than ever. She made me feel so alone, so abandoned... I honestly can't tell you how it happened anymore, but we kissed. Jungwon and I." I kept my head down. "After that it continued on as this experimental, sexual relationship. I was confused and felt alone, but none of that lasted long. He liked me, genuinely, but I had no idea!" I started to cry again, feeling guilty. "If I had known, I wouldn't have... I would've never done that..."
Sunghoon trapped me in a hug. "It's okay, you don't have to push yourself," he told me. He sounded weak in his voice, it cracked and shook. I wonder if he started to cry too. Hope not.
But I have to keep going. I got this far, so there's no way I'm turning back on it now. "No," I said and pushed him away a little. "I have to..." I took a deep breath and looked down at my lap. "Jungwon got obsessed, almost how that lady did with my dad. I didn't know what to do, but his mom found out. Lord knows how, but thank him for that." I finally got past the hard part, so I raised my head a little to find Sunghoon staring at me intensely, listening to every word. It made me feel embarrassed and kind of shy. But I couldn't worry about that. "Anyway, that's why she took him abroad. He studied in the US for high school, but now I guess he's back and hasn't changed," I concluded. "That's basically it."
Sunghoon kind of stared at me with this look on his face. I don't know what to really call it; it's like he's serious, but in denial and shock, and relief all at the same time. "That's... it?" He asked blankly. Does he hate me? "You worried that much over that? Some experimental middle school fling, and you thought I'd stop loving you?" His tone started getting a little degrading, and scolding. But I doubt it was in a bad way... I hope.
"Well," I hesitated. "Kind of? I'm still a virgin, and believe me, once I found you I definitely didn't feel anything towards Jungwon. It's not like that, I just thought you'd be repulsed by the entire story..." I rubbed the back of my neck and felt my whole face getting really hot. Damn him and those piercing eyes.
"I'm sorry, but that's the stupidest shit I think I've ever heard from you," he bluntly stated and rolled his eyes. It took me back a little, so I stared at him with wide eyes. "I told you that I love you, Sunny. These things made you... you. You wouldn't be the same if they didn't happen, and you know, nobody's perfect, right? It's not like you did something awful, just something that you're not proud of." Those words, they were exactly what I needed. He gave me reassurance like always and it felt like the heaviest weight being lifted off my shoulders. That guilty conscience is finally gone and I can breathe.
I threw myself at him and cried. Who knows what I've done to deserve someone as amazing as him in my life, but I'm thankful. I love him with everything I got, and even with everything I don't. He will always get nothing but the best out of me. "Thank you so much," I whispered to him. "I love you, I really do."
"I love you more," he said into my neck as he hugged me tightly. "I'm so proud of you too, for telling me." He praised me so sincerely and sweetly that it made me blush.
I pulled away from him a little to see his face. "Really...?" I asked him unsurely. I felt relieved, yes, but I didn't think he'd say he's proud.
He nodded. "Yes, you did such a good job baby," he assured. "That's a hard thing to do, and I could tell you struggled. It makes me feel like you can trust me, too. I like that."
"Of course I trust you, dummy." I rolled my eyes. "You're my boyfriend, and my close friend. I love you more than anything—but don't tell Riki I said that..." I looked around even though he went out for a walk with Heesung. That bitch is everywhere.
He chuckled and kissed my cheek. "Yeah yeah, the secrets between us," he mumbled out and kissed my jaw. He kissed me over and over, each time moving further down.
"Hey!" I giggled and tried to push him away, but he grabbed my arms to stop me. "It tickles!" I shouted at him. "Please!" He didn't listen and continued smothering me in kisses all over my neck. "I'm gonna fucking pee myself Hyung, please!"
He chuckled and finally stopped, his cheeks all red. What a dork. "You're that ticklish?" He asked, not in a mocking way but more genuine. "I mean your skin does seem pretty sensitive, it's overly soft like a baby. Baby Sunoo~" and the teasing started. "How cute, my baby Sunny."
I rolled my eyes and tried to push him away completely, but he still had me in his grip. "I'm not a baby," I argued. "If I am then that makes you a pedo."
He scoffed and pulled me closer to him, a devious smile on his face. Oh man. "Then show me that you're not a baby."
My face flushed. "What...? What are you even talking about Hyung? You're being weird!" I blurted out. I knew exactly what he meant, but I couldn't believe he could be so cheesy.
"Go on and kiss your boyfriend," he urged. "Nobody's here, it's just us—"
"HEY WHORES—OH SHIT SORRY!"
Riki covered his eyes in the doorway and Heesung chuckled. "Put a sock on the door next time, damn!"
I pushed Sunghoon away and felt embarrassment wash over my body. "It wasn't like that!" I yelled at him. I know my face got red as a tomato, but being walked in on like that was so embarrassing. Kind of disappointing too. "Just shut up!"
Sunghoon chuckled and kissed the top of my head. "That's not very convincing, Tomato," he teased. "Should we continue?"
"No! Get away from me!" I pushed him away again and sighed heavily. No matter how annoying and bratty he is, I love him. He's accepting of the worst parts of me, and I couldn't ask for a boyfriend more perfect. "Not now... at least," I mumbled for only him to hear as we all migrated to the living room.
He grinned and wrapped an arm around me all smug. "How cute, I have the cutest boyfriend in the whoooole world!" He announced to literally only 2 other people, who looked at him like he's crazy. He didn't care.
But he's a liar, because I actually have the cutest boyfriend in the whooole world.
~
I THOUGHT THIS CHAPTER DELETED AFTER I FINALLY ALMOST FINISHED ABD I ALMOST SOBBED MY EYES OUT CUZ THIS ONE IS SO GOOD
my real reaction ^