(Au. I will read this while listening to Broken by Isak Danielson)
"Here, I made you some coffee." Rick sits down beside me handing me a mug, the one I instantly recognize.
Carlos' black mug.
It's been like three hours and I can't stop thinking about him. I tried calling but obviously, he didn't pick up, then I thought that maybe he went to see Matteo but once I texted Danielle to check that option, she said he hadn't been there. After some time, Rick came up with the idea of calling Nathan, and finally, we got some pieces of information. Nathan said that Carlos had paid him a visit that lasted no longer than five minutes because Carlos wanted Nathan's help in dealing with Alessio - Rick had to fill me in about who the hell that man was - but Nathan declined and Carlos left.
Anyway, it's been hours since that happened. Where else would he go on Sunday morning?
"Mia?" Rick whispers my name trying to get my attention and that's when I notice I haven't taken the mug or even said thanks.
"I'm sorry, my mind won't stop wondering. Thank you for the coffee." I smile, but it doesn't reach my eyes. Once I finally take the mug, the hot beverage inside it instantly warmed my cold hands.
My body has been acting weird lately, the temperature inside the apartment is always the same yet sometimes I'm hot and sweating, and other times - like right now - I'm practically freezing. I should stop taking those damn pills.
"He will be back eventually." Rick has been trying to reassure me for the past few hours and even though I appreciate it I can tell that Carlos' behavior is as confusing to him as it is to me and that he has no idea what could happen next.
"What if he goes after Alessio himself? He isn't in the right state of mind he could do something stupid and then maybe..."
"Hey, he might not be in his best moment right now but Carlos is smart, he wouldn't go after Alessio by himself." His tone sounds a little more confident this time and I try my best to believe that he really won't do something as stupid as that.
"You should go and try to find him, I will be okay," I tell him with every ounce of confidence I have even though staying here alone, after everything that happened, is the last thing I want.
"Can't do that, he told me to look after you and there's no way I'm leaving you here alone after what happened last time. We will wait for him to come back, he has to eventually." Rick shakes his head a little at the same time he tries to sound hopeful, but the tone of his voice changes once it reaches the end of a sentence.
"What if I go with you, you could still keep me safe, and at the same time we-" I stop mid-sentence when I hear the dangling sound of keys coming from the other side of the door. My head snapped directly to the source of the noise. Rick's too.
The moment the door opens his eyes are already on me, that same mixture of broken emotions from before still in them, but this time there is one more. Despair.
Before I knew it I'd gotten up from the sofa and walked in his direction. He just watched me get closer while still standing by the door that was now closed. I'm not sure how many things went through my head in those few seconds it takes me to reach him but what I do know is that the moment I'm close enough I react in a way I would have never expected. Suddenly my hands are folded into fists that find their way into his chest, not to try and hurt him, there's no force to my punches just utter and pure frustration that apparently I didn't know how to let out but like this.
And to my surprise, he doesn't react, he doesn't move an inch, he just stands there taking every hit and letting me use his body as a personal punching bag, it's as if he knew that this is exactly what I need, as if he was expecting it and came in ready for this.
"How could you..." I choke on my words wanting to ask him how could he leave me once again but I wasn't able to complete my sentence.
"I'm sorry, Mia. I'm so sorry." He finally speaks his arms going around my body and instead of pushing me back, he's pulling me hard against his body. Hugging me as tight as he can while I try to fight him off.
"No, let me go," I mutter against his body. My fits pressing tightly against his chest.
This wasn't me denying his comfort, because his comfort is exactly what I need. More than anything. But all of this, it's too overwhelming and I know that if I let him take me into his arms I will break down into tears, and right now it's the last thing we need.
So I keep fighting him, I keep trying to move away from him, or at least I do until I hear soft cries, cries that aren't mine but his...
Then, I stop, because I understand that he isn't trying to help me get my frustration out anymore, now he is simply begging me to allow him to use my body to get his out. Though for him it doesn't come as hits or punches, it comes as an embrace.
"I'm so sorry..." his voice is the one to falter now, interrupted by his low painful sobs. Sobs that I wouldn't be able to hear if his face wasn't buried against my neck.
From the outside you can't tell he is the one breaking down, it looks as if he is comforting me while I cry, not the other way around. And maybe that should bother me but it doesn't because all I can focus on is the raw pain in his voice, the shakiness of his breathing against my skin, and all I can see is a man who was never allowed to let himself break, who was never taught that you aren't less capable or strong for allowing yourself to feel.
So I stay there, between his arms as I look at Rick that is now next to us, giving him a nod and telling him that we will be fine and that he can go while Carlos keeps hugging me tighter and tighter every second that goes by, using my neck to muffle his cries that also get louder by every passing moment.
And those cries, they feel as if he had dived his hand right inside my chest and pulled my heart out to crash it inside his palm.
"Let's get you to bed," I whisper against his chest after a little while of just standing there.
He answers by slightly letting go of me and allowing me to guide him into the room. I have to look down at the floor for the whole time fighting back my tears and once we get there we both sit down on the bed. Breathing in deeply I finally look at him and find that his stare, opposite to mine hadn't left me since the moment he arrived. His blue eyes looked brighter than usual probably caused by the tears filling his eyes.
"What happened?" I'm the one to ask, looking for an explanation as to why he left to hide once again.
But I don't get an answer, instead, he just keeps staring at me. His eyes go through my every feature, from my eyes to my mouth, to my nose and hair. It's almost as if he were making a mental note of how I look, studying every little detail in case it is the last time he'll see it.
"Carlos?" I try once again my voice barely over a whisper.
"Nothing happened, everything is still as fucking messy as it was before." He admits now focusing only on my eyes, a small smile appearing on his lips.
"You went to see Nathan, why?" I ask trying to continue the conversation but at the same time tame the way his eyes on me are making me feel.
"You are so beautiful, you know that right?" His hand goes up to my cheek and I look down at it. Confused about the sudden change of theme. "And your eyes, every time I look at them, they feel like home."
I want to say something but I don't because I simply don't know what to say, the situation feeling surrealistic. A minute ago he was breaking down to pieces in my arms and now he is smiling. Now he is looking at me as if I were the most precious thing he has ever laid his eyes on.
"I shouldn't have left, not without telling you where I was going but when I looked at you and saw the fear in your eyes I got scared. Knowing that I caused that it- it was killing me." He says slowly his thumb still caressing my cheek in small circles.
"So I ran away because apparently, that's the only thing I know how to do. I lose control and suddenly all I want to do is hide." The ache in my chest grows with every word he says, and the look on his face, the pain in his voice makes it so difficult to stay put, to stay strong.
But I try. For him.
"You don't have to run or hide, not from me." My words come out this time barely a whisper. One he probably wouldn't be able to hear if he weren't just a few inches away from me and getting closer.
"I know... you should be the one running from me." He whispers back, the small smile that adorned his face now gone and the atmosphere between us changing in a matter of milliseconds.
"Carlos-" I try to say something, however, I don't get to finish because suddenly his lips are on mine. His hand gripping my hair from behind and bringing me closer to him.
The kiss is slow yet passionate. His hands travel through my body taking in every curve and inch. And this time there's something that feels completely different from any other kiss we have shared in the past, a new emotion.
Desperation.
This makes me go back to how once again it feels as if he were trying to engrave this into his brain, from the feeling of my body against his to the warmth of my lips over his own...
"I need you." He stops kissing me, giving me time to decide whether I want this or not.
And I know I should listen to my brain telling me that this is an awful idea and say no, that I should try and make him talk to me instead of allowing him to hide by using sex but at the same time, I also want to hide, act as if nothing happened, forget about everything and just feel him. So for that reason alone instead of moving away I just nod and lay down on the bed.
Giving myself to him.
He loses no time in undressing me, carefully removing every item of clothing standing in his way from feeling my naked body, and as he does that I unbutton his shirt needing to run my fingers down his back. And once we are both fully naked his mouth starts leaving slow kisses everywhere, from my neck to my inner thighs. The slight stubble he is now carrying burns my skin in the best way imaginable.
Each kiss feels like torture, and not only a physical one but an emotional one too. My heart pumps inside my chest so fast that I think I might pass out and his touch brings back every emotion I was trying so hard to suppress.
And I know I should stop this but instead, I find myself desperately begging, "Please..." my voice breaks as my nails dig into his back. Clawing into something to try and keep myself from losing it.
He obeys, moving his way up my body and taking my face between his hands to look directly at me. And as much as I wish I could I can't figure out what the look on his face means but I do get to feel it. Everything becomes too much, his touch, his smell, his presence, it makes looking at him so incredibly painful but as much as it hurts I can't let go so that's why I push him down closer, making him kiss my neck as he slowly enters me.
And the feeling of him inside me is what makes me break at last. Before I know it silent tears start streaming down my face. But he can't tell, if he could he would have stopped. Which is exactly the opposite of what I wanted or needed, so instead of saying something I just hug him.
Not allowing him to look at me as he keeps on fucking me, panting and moaning...
While I just cry.
Author's note
As always if you are here ty for reading and don't forget to vote and comment your thoughts!
First of all sorry for taking so long, university was getting too much, specially one subject but I passed (got the mark today I didn't expect it so im so happy)!!!
And then sorry again for the pain that just keeps coming... this chapter was supposed to go in a slightly different direction but while writing it kept moving in this direction and I understood this was how it was supposed to be.
And if once again someone is thinking that them having sex was wrong, I know. They know. That's the idea. I promise everything I'm writing is part of plan. Even if sometimes it changes a little to fit better.
With that said, I have read comments about how Carlos is toxic and others (less) about how Mia also fucked up and usually these kind of comments would suck lol but with this story this is exactly what I wanted. I'm aware about the toxicity of this situation, this is exactly what I meant to portray and honestly it makes me proud that I was able to do this the way I wanted it. But even if they both made mistakes we can't forget about what Carlos went through and that Mia is literally just 25 (also her past). They aren't perfect so please remember that when reading and also that this is dark romance! It isn't pretty but that's the point.
Also I thought I would be able to wrap this up in like 10 chapters but I wont lol. Once again I underestimated how much stuff there's left lol so it will be a little longer. I'm honestly worried it's getting too long, hope you all dont mind. I should have made this story in two books.
Thanks again tiloveswriting for your help writing this <3
Love you all,
Maria