It's a twenty-minute ferry ride from Monterosso to Vernazza. They will be spending the night here and leave in the morning for the third island. Exhaustion has settled in, coupled with a headache Jungkook suspects comes from the jetlag. He sleeps through most of the ride. It's already dark by the time he opens his eyes, the harbour of Vernazza welcoming them with twinkling lights and a festive spirit.
After the peaceful morning they had exploring and sightseeing, stepping into the bustling town square is like a culture shock. It opens to a piazza by the waterfront littered with a sea of umbrellas featuring restaurants, souvenir shops and gothic buildings, including a church by the main street. There are tourists everywhere. It's hard to walk without being interrupted, let alone finding a table to sit.
It should feel overwhelming but not to Jungkook. Not in that moment. His mind is hazy, body relaxed from his little nap from earlier, taking in the smells and colors. Yoongi has managed to grab his hand at some point and successfully sandwiched half of Jungkook's arm between their bodies.
"Kinda reminds of Seoul, doesn't it?" Yoongi comments animatedly, touching a wicker hat as they walk past a store. He takes a second to check on Jungkook, returning the smile he finds on Jungkook's face. "Hyung can take you drinking later, if you'd like."
It's a rare occurrance, but so nice to receive affection from Yoongi like this.
Jungkook smiles even wider now, snuggling closer and making them both take bigger steps. "Aren't you tired? I thought you'd be curled up on the corner of a street by now." Like a cat.
"I'm proving us both wrong, am I not," Yoongi mocks himself. They both chuckle at that, following the group into an alley.
They hear Namjoon yell from the front to not be intimidated by the stairs and that it'll only take them 5 minutes to the viewpoint.
"With that being said, I will not miss these stairs," Yoongi groans as they stand in front of another upward block leading to what apparently is the most gorgeous lookout of the five villages.
Jungkook taps their conjoined hands in encouragement, earning a side eye from Yoongi. He feels so much adoration for the producer at that moment that he feels his heart grow double the size. "Want me to carry you, hyung?" he offers. The delighted look on Yoongi's face gets a kick out of him and he buckles up, sticking to his word.
Yoongi stops him anyway, grabbing his hand again before starting to climb.
"Don't try being a hero, aimma," he says though he is secretly smiling with all his teeth. "Going to fuck up my rizz."
Jungkook laughs heartily, a bounce in his step as he skips ahead so he can pull Yoongi and at least ease the amount of effort he has to put. It's nice to see his hyung happy like this, enjoying himself for once after being in such a gloomy mood for so long due to a stupid someone. Jungkook will personally punch that Hoseok prick on the face once they finally find him.
Speaking of which.
"While you were romancing with lover boy, I found my clue," Yoongi says.
Jungkook's instinct is to roll his eyes because lover boy, but the second part of the sentence is more interesting to mind. He doesn't even have to ask before Yoongi catches up to him and reveals quietly.
"He is somewhere around here," Yoongi's eyes twinkle against the night. "Namjoon casually mentioned he has family living in the area. He sometimes crashes at this cousin's house during his tours to the islands."
"And you are sure the cousin is Hoseok because...?"
"I remember the bastard telling me his cousin in Italy —which is obviously Namjoon— didn't have any other relatives that live there, when we were..." Yoongi skips a blink absentmindedly, mood souring a bit before he mumbles —not hooking up, not dating, not in love —but "in Korea."
There goes a handful of happiness, instantly ruined by memories that were mistaken for promises. Jungkook relates, to his dismay. He gets mistaken for being the one who got away, but the truth is, he is always the one who gets carried away. They might have more in common with Yoongi than he thinks.
"That's something," he shrugs. It's barely a hint. It's assuming Hoseok was telling the truth, once again, trusting a liar's word.
"I'll find him," Yoongi taps his shoulder with a spurt of energy. He leaves Jungkook to ponder, advancing up the stairs and merging with the tourists crowding the outlook balcony in Jungkook's near line of sight.
Namjoon was right afterall. It was a quick climb.
He should go, join Yoongi. Take a glimpse of this famous view that apparently makes you fall in love with Italy and life all over again.
He bites at his bottom lip, scanning through the crowd still behind him. Three Koreans from their group pass by. Restlessness eats away at his insides as he gulps some water, keeping his eyes open in case he spots what he is looking for. Over the outlook balcony camera flashes go off, tempting him to join. But he can't. His legs won't work, conscience won't give him a break.
Finally, Jimin makes an appearance through the corner of the staircase. A big breath leaves Jungkook, air finally passing through his lungs. Cheeks puffed, failing at being invisible, he keeps his gaze steady on Jimin, and immediately notices signs of discomfort.
Hand on his back.
Lips pressed into a tight line.
Slow steps.
He is enduring.
Something is definitely up with his back.
Jungkook throws his head back, trying to settle his inner battle. Stars fill his vision. They blink kindly. They remind him of Jimin's eyes. A gust of emotions rushes over, hopping his heart to his throat painfully.
He is letting it get to him. He can't let it get to him.
He turns on his heels and stomps his way up to the lookout.
Guilty of him for caring. He shouldn't have let Jimin sit next to him in the ferry, or answered his questions, or stopped to check. It's just dumb actions for an empty sentiment lingering between them due to forceful togetherness in the same space. It means nothing.
They might be here now, but South Korea wasn't just a nightmare. It was very real, everything that happened was real. It's scary how real and recent it was. It's scary to think of going back to it. Walking to the office in that murky street, tears clouding his eyes, his heart sinking in that alley, running like an eighteen-year-old version of himself, same fears, same disappointments, packing a bag, booking a quick flight, holding onto Yoongi like a lifeboat because he couldn't imagine being left home alone with his deafening, drowning, despicable thoughts — that was reality.
Are you not ashamed to end up where you were five whole years ago? Those thoughts were reality.
Jungkook is scared of how ruthless he has become. To himself, most of everyone. He thought he loved himself. He thought he had healed. He thought he was okay.
His feet come to a stop, hands clasp the railing. Wind flies through his hair. It makes it hard to see initially. But then, eventually, everything comes to view.
People were right. Venezza has a striking view. All the coastal lights, the remnants of a cliff that was a castle that became a city, its entire history sitting right before his eyes. It could make someone fall in love with life all over again. Someone who is at peace with it, perhaps. Because in this moment, the world is small enough to fit in the palm of Jungkook's hands, yet Jungkook feels nothing but emptiness.
He is so lost in his head that he almost doesn't notice Yoongi snapping a picture of him.
"You shouldn't have looked," Yoongi checks his work, nudges Jungkook's chin so he is looking ahead again. "Pose like that."
Jungkook smiles weakly, obeying.
Holding onto Yoongi was the best thing he did in the past five years.
They visit a few more viewpoints, each in close distance over the same path of stairs. The road eventually takes them back to the main square, a roundabout like every other street in this maze of islands.
Namjoon shows everyone to the hotel they will be staying at. It's a quaint little fancy building at the heart of a second square. It must be hella expensive, Jungkook bets. Good thing they are not staying there.
"Since you guys were a last minute addition, I couldn't get you a hotel room," Namjoon tells him and Yoongi at the entrance of the hotel. "Everywhere is booked at this time of the year," he claps his hands, looking around as if to justify his point. It's later in the night and although the bustle has quietened, there are still people strolling with swimsuits and cocktails in their hands.
And that's how they are invited to sleep at the little staff cabin Namjoon is provided with by the company.
Namjoon says that there are only two beds in the room. He says he trusts the three of them to fit somehow, laughs at his own joke, unaware of what the alertness in Yoongi's tone means when he is asked where he is going to spend the night himself. "Oh, at my cousin's AirBnb," he then says. "He's in town so we'll catch up, get a few drinks. Wash away the tiredness of the day, haha."
A deafening silence takes over the world. It lasts for as long as Namjoon walks away, the two of them watching him in slow motion. Yoongi's heartbeat trickles over to Jungkook's ears, getting louder and louder, thumping like a dam overflowing with passion.
And then it cannot be stopped.
He makes the move to follow Namjoon.
There is only one thing Jungkook has to do — pay Yoongi back for being his lifeboat, prove his dependability as a friend and donseang and fan. Stick right by his side and follow him wherever Namjoon went.
But he can't.
He freezes in place, and when Yoongi turns to look at him, he desperately utters,
"Jimin is not here."
Ever since the beginning of the stairs where he turned his head the other way despite seeing how hard Jimin was struggling, he hasn't seen him again. Not at the third lookout, not at the sharp turn at the cliff, not on their way down the elevation, not around the hotel.
"Weren't you keeping an eye on him?" Yoongi whisper-shouts, stopping only briefly to skim around.
Jungkook tries to get words out, but nothing comes through.
He hasn't. He had chosen not to.
That's how he watches Yoongi run to one of the most dangerous instances of his life on his own. He will find a lot of time to loathe himself. Oh and he will, rest assured.
But now there is only one thing in his mind, and that is finding Jimin.
There is no way he climbed the rest of the stairs with them. He already looked like he was on the verge of giving up. He must have either gone back down... or he is still there.
Fuck.
Jungkook bolts.
He doesn't know exactly where the entrance of the stairs are since they didn't return from that path, but if he can find the main street near where they disembarked, he can find the alley leading to the stairs too.
He follows the shore, believing it will take him to the port.
It has to. There is no other way.
The shops are closing up, people scattering to leave. The colorful lights are being shut off, making it hard for him to picture what he felt while when they were strolling around. But he sticks to the shore and eventually gets to a line of take-out booths. Further ahead there are umbrellas and a sandy beach — and their ferry, BomNal, parked next to two other boats.
That's it.
He takes the shore to his back and faces exactly what he was looking for. The main street. Souvenir shops. Gothic buildings. He runs some more. There is the church.
Then what?
He stops for a breather.
Then what? Where did we turn to?
He was too busy talking to Yoongi to pay attention to his surroundings. All he sees is a fork of roads, each one looking like the other. Colorful houses, shops on first floors, mostly dark now that vendors are locking up.
Please, he whispers to anything that hears him. Please let me find him.
It's alarming enough that Jimin isn't on the parts of the town that they walked through with the group. There is no place he could possibly be other than the stairs entrance. Jungkook stares, and stares, and stares. And everything stares right back at him.
He is about to cry. He is panicking so hard he could burst. His body is fighting against him, scolding him to do something rather than stare around.
"Jimin!" Jungkook shouts out of desperation, turning a few heads. He wants to cry. He really—"Jimin!"
And then he sees it.
A souvenir shop further down one of the streets ahead of him, with a wicker hat hanging on its front display. Jungkook remembers. He remembers Yoongi showing interest in that hat.
I'm coming, Jimin.
Without another beat, he dashes so hard his ribs almost pound each other.
It's an easy guess from there. He makes the alley turns, goes ahead some more, and he should be seeing the stairs.
As he guessed — there they are.
"Fuck yes," he makes out amidst short breaths, feeling like he might throw up each step of the climb.
It should be five minutes. Five minutes and I got you.
He keeps climbing, no—skips, and further, and further, with no Jimin in sight. Prayers run on end in his mouth, and his legs do until he gets to the lookout.
But even when he gets there, Jimin is nowhere to be seen.
His heart drops.
It can't be.
He twirls in the lookout balcony, shouting.
"Jimin where the fuck are you?"
It's empty, void of people. It's almost like everyone knew what was going to happen to Jimin except Jungkook, and left him to his fate.
"Jimin," he whispers, not having the strength to say another word. His hands clasp the reel, back turned towards the view. He refuses to look at it. The wind flies through his hair, and Jungkook shakes it off, letting his tears take over.
"You always hear me, Jimin, even when I'm not speaking. Hear me now, please," he begs.
He doesn't want to go where his mind is taking him.
I initiated contact with the target.
Maybe he climbed a little further. Maybe he managed to get to the second lookout. Maybe then his back locked him out and he is just chilling there like an idiot?
He took the bait.
Jungkook leaves the rails, unable to control the shakiness of his hands. He starts climbing again.
I'll get to the bottom of it.
Fear eats in him up on the inside like a poisonous worm. There is no way of knowing how much truth there could ever be to his assumptions. Not in this state of mind. Everything feels straight out of a horror movie. The sound of his bated breaths, his shoes hitting concrete, the gush of wind over every piece of the city, the flies dancing under the dust of yellow streetlamps.
Second lookout doesn't give him anything either.
Jimin couldn't have gone further up here.
Swallowing the demons singing inside of his head, Jungkook decides to leave the stairs first. The way down seems even longer. His heart seems to have stopped beating a while ago, his body operating on pure, blood-sucking anxiety. He is the only human in this goddamn forest, running like a madman through some fucking stairs, and he lost Jimin.
If it's that Sung-du man, Jungkook swears to God he will burn the fucker alive.
He is back at the main square.
The street orbits around him as he comes to a stop. His legs are about to give out. He feels dizzy from circling around. He rubs at his tears with the back of his sleeves. Jimin's words at the vineyard come back to him.
Do I have to be in danger for you to show me how much you care?
Jungkook shakes his head, everything blurry. He will run this entire village to the last of his breath if it means finding Jimin.
And then a miracle happens. Amidst the dying streets, Jimin's figure appears. It approaches, first slowly, then quicker — Jungkook blinks, and the blurriness goes away. It is Jimin.
Jungkook must have either shouted or be looking delirious, because Jimin freezes in place, eyes widening upon the sight of Jungkook, like he is confused and shocked at the same time. When Jungkook reaches out to hold him, Jimin gets out of the way to avoid it, leaving Jungkook sprinting on air.
"Careful!" Jimin yelps.
Dumbfounded, Jungkook stares, latently noticing the cups Jimin is holding in his hands.
"I—" Jimin starts, but Jungkook has not an ounce of patience left in him to wait.
"Where WERE you?!" he exhausts his breath, a mixture of relief and anger, the latter more than the former.
Jimin's lips open and close, then he shows the cups in his hands to Jungkook in slow movements. "I got some coffee," and the plastic dangling from his arm, "with some painkillers. You said you had a headache—"
"Jimin what the fuck are you sayiiiing!" Jungkook yells this time, arms opening sideways. His voice falters towards the end, disbelief over Jimin actually being here and okay, and the words coming out of his mouth making him crazy. He is still buzzing with anxiety. He doesn't think it will stop.
"At the ferry!" Jimin says fiercely. "You said you had a headache and I know coffee helps you deal with those so I got you one as well!" he tries to give it to Jungkook.
Jungkook will swear to God sink his face in that cup and drown himself to death at this rate.
"Why?!" he screams, taking a step dangerously close. "Are you stupid?!"
Jimin doesn't reply, exhaling in disbelief himself, staring at the coffee in his hand thinking God knows what. He looks worn out, exhausted, and Jungkook gets it so well because he is a brink away from dropping right there.
He is ashamed to his bones. More than anything. Leaving Jimin suffer was his lowest point, but thinking about Jimin wandering down with his back hurting, still going on a trip to find Jungkook coffee and medicine – thinking about it makes him want to be swallowed by the ground.
"Why—Why are you doing this?" he is on the verge of tears again. And Jimin, who is watching him with despair in his eyes, is no different.
"Because I want to be helpful," he eventually forces out a response, once and once again, holding the coffee towards Jungkook. "Just drink this and—"
And nothing. Because there is no more coffee on the cup, because the coffee is now all over Jimin's shirt, because Jungkook let his intrusive thoughts take over when he yelled and jumped,
"Jimin stop!"
Dread takes over his entire body when he realizes what he has done. Jimin is soaked in brown liquid, the shock in his face morphing into tears. Jungkook tries to intervene but Jimin twists out of his hold. He is not even being aggressive, he genuinely looks spent, like he has given all of himself and he has nothing else that Jungkook could possible want to be taking from him.
"I'm sorry," Jungkook says, still reaching out. He catches the plastic with medicine in Jimin's hand right before it hits the ground. "I'm—Are you okay? Was it hot—"
"Don't worry about me," Jimin tries pulling himself together before he has even properly cried.
Jungkook shakes his head, shaking like a leaf. He manages to catch Jimin by the hand but the older man is refusing to be touched so Jungkook—
"JIMIN JUST STOP!" shouts, a wow factor to both of them after his impulsiveness caused all the destruction still ongoes. "Please just—" he looks around, spotting a pharmacy at the corner with the lights on. "Please," a choked out sob comes out of his mouth, earning Jimin's sympathy enough to let his wrist be held. "Come on," he says but he doesn't think it was a proper sound.
Then he pulls Jimin into the pharmcy, asks for napkins, wet tissues and ice packs. Whatever he can think of first.
"The coffee wasn't hot. I don't need ice packs," Jimin comments without looking.
"What do you need so your back feels better?" Jungkook asks. It's that same reserved, ill reaction from Jimin that he gets.
"Nothing. Just rest."
Jungkook sighs.
"Okay. Let me help," he steps close with the tissues but Jimin grabs it out of his hands, thanking the pharmacist and walking outside.
He sits on a bench. Drops the items next to him. Jungkook sits on the other end of it.
He does not expect when Jimin takes off his shirt.
Their eyes meet for a brief second and Jungkook stares away, pretending like it's no big deal. He can almost feel Jimin roll his eyes.
Jimin cleans himself with the wet tissue, and then throws the trash along with the shirt to a trash can. They are the only ones outside. They must have scared everyone off with their noise.
The walk to the cabin is a quiet one.
Jimin will probably take the first flight out of here tomorrow morning. He has no reason to stay anymore. After everything he has seen of Jungkook, he probably regrets knowing him in the first place.
Jungkook knew it would get ugly at the airport, from the moment Jimin appeared. He just didn't know he would be the one making it so. Not to this extent.
Jungkook unlocks the door to the cabin when they get there. It's a small makeshift room with supplies and a kitchen in a separate room, two beds in the main. Yoongi is nowhere to be seen. Another thing to feel guilty about. Jungkook worries for his safety. He wonders if he should go looking for him, but the thought itself is such a late-call joke that he discards it and leaves it to the hands of fate.
Jimin is unloading his backpack on a chair in the corner.
Jungkook recoils. What if he weren't here tonight? Anything could have happened out there, and Jungkook would have no means of reaching him. What would he do then? How would he ever forgive himself?
He tries not to get too emotional again, rather focusing on their sleeping arrangement. He tells Jimin to take the bed and hopes Yoongi will return later to take the other one. Jimin doesn't look happy as Jungkook does a makeshift bed out of blankets on the floor for himself, but he doesn't object. And they go to bed.
...
Have you ever felt so exhausted that you can't sleep? It's a struggle to keep your eyes open, your body has given out, you should be on your fifth dream already but you find yourself wide awake?
It's one of those nights. Jungkook blames it on the jetlag, his circadian rythm being off, the discomfort of the floor and the heat from the blankets in the hot summer night. Those things do play a part, but more so does a stiffled sound of crying coming from the bed.
It has been quite a while since they pulled the covers. Jimin must not have been able to sleep either, if Jungkook is not making up what he just heard.
For a while there is no sound. But then again, a few minutes later Jungkook hears another sniffle.
He sits up.
The room goes silent.
"Jimin?"
No response.
"Are you awake?"
Nothing.
Jungkook gulps. He maneuvers through the floor to get to Jimin's bed, then gets up on his knees to peek at Jimin. The man's front is facing the wall so Jungkook can't see his face.
"Hey," he whispers. "Jimin," and a beat later, "hyung."
A silent sob makes it past Jimin, despite his obvious efforts to hide it. Jungkook doesn't wait now that he got his confirmation. He lifts himself and sits on the corner of Jimin's mattress, tapping the man's arm.
"Are you in pain? Is your back still hurting a lot?"
Jimin resists some more, but then finally moves. He half turns, head lolling towards Jungkook. Tears stain his eyes, sparkling under the light leaking from the small window. It's devastating to witness, even more so with the guilt and longing brewing inside of Jungkook.
"Yeah," Jimin says hoarsely. "Hurts a lot."
Jungkook feels struck with a wave of anxiety. The wheels in his head turn as he starts brainstorming potential solutions on aupilot.
"Should I—should I try finding a hospital? Do you have a condition? I'm sure we can get someone to help. What is it about it that specifically hurts? My dad has rheumatism, is it something like that? He usually lays on the ground because it is a harder surface—shit, did you want to sleep on the ground instead? I didn't even ask—"
"Jungkook."
Jungkook stops. Jimin's hand lands on his knee, more tears falling from his eyes. He is not even crying anymore, it's just his body emptying out the weight he seems to hold inside.
"I can't have another day of this," Jimin half whispers. "I just can't," his voice breaks and with it does Jungkook's heart.
He was never talking about his back.
"Can you help me up?"
They manage to find Jimin a comfortable position to sit. And once they are facing each other, Jungkook kind of knows this is it. They are going to have that talk.
Jungkook won't be initiating it. He doesn't even know what to say. It feels like nothing matters anymore. Nothing that happened, nothing that happens and will. If they had built anything at all over the past five months, it's entirely destroyed. Jungkook doesn't even know how to put himself back together, let alone another person, a bond.
But Jimin takes a deep breath, and says the last thing Jungkook is expecting.
"I have never truly loved someone."
For the first time in ages, Jungkook feels his mind go silent. Jimin shrugs, haphazardly getting rid of the tears in his face.
"I had a dozen relationships, and I probably wouldn't be able to tell you what I was to each of those people. A boyfriend? A hookup? A pastime? A friend who is not so friendly? A convenient grab?... I don't know." He stares at Jungkook openly, completely surrended to his revelations. "I have never had a proper relationship in my life. Everybody I dated was either emotionally fucked up, or an addict, or simply there for sex."
It particularly pains to hear this because Jungkook witnessed some of these relationships in Jimin's past. He wasn't an active part of the stories and neither does he know how Jimin coped with them, but he observed some of it as an outsider in their university days. Jimin would have bad days. He would pull off, close on himself and even disappear for a few days. Then he would suddenly be okay, socialize, be around — be around Jungkook.
He never understood that behavior. It could be one of the reasons why he never made an effort to befriend Jimin, they just felt like people from different worlds. But they still got along sometimes. Jungkook always cared for him on a deeper level that having a crush. He just never showed it.
"It's not just relationships too, I mean... I'm a mess. When I moved to Seoul earlier this year, it was on a contract job," he points towards Jungkook in an obvious way. "You know that part. But it's not like I tried to look for a permanent job. I just took what came on my plate. I was never... a high achiever. Unlike you."
Their eyes meet.
Jungkook wonders how that feels like. Because Jimin is right. Between the two of them, Jungkook aggressively outdoes in regards to ambition.
"Maybe that's why I'm such a mess? 'Cuz I never really tried to make something mine? I just... went with the flow."
"Is that a bad thing?" Jungkook asks, shy about peering. But Jimin welcomes the question easily.
"I think... if that's all you do... you can get hurt," Jimin licks his lips, averting his gaze, "and hurt others," he says, tiptoing around something Jungkook is smart enough to get. When Jimin looks up at him again, Jungkook feels his cheeks heat up.
They don't talk for a while. It's oddly comforting. The problems sit with them, and Jungkook doesn't feel the urgency to solve them. That almost never happens to him.
"Do you remember the first time we properly hung out in Seoul?" Jimin breaks the silence.
Of course Jungkook does. They had soaked their shoes in the pool at his house, talking for hours and... kissed too. It was one of the most perfect moments of his life. Now it's just a sad memory.
He nods, because he doesn't trust his voice to not break.
"You said to me... You are in the perfect path hyung," Jimin almost doesn't make it to the end, throat clogging up. His eyes water again and he breathes to speak. "And I think there was some truth to it. Because I was with you."
Jungkook squeezes himself as hard as he can, trying not to let the storm inside him unfold.
"This, you, this thing going on between me and you. It's different than anything I've had. And I've obviously not treated it that way, and it has obviously worked terribly. I wish I were better," Jimin tells more to himself than Jungkook, shaking his head, taking a moment.
It's impossible to not show a reaction. Jungkook lets his tears go, dropping his head in defeat. This is too much to handle.
"Jungkook," Jimin calls in no better condition. "I just want to fight for something that won't destroy me for once. And you are that thing. You are good for me. You make me better, and make me want to do better like noone can can."
"Even after today?" Jungkook attempts, just to give him a reason to be proven wrong but Jimin doesn't care.
"I'm sorry but you are stuck with me. I just can't let you go again," he purses his lips apologetically.
One thing is clear, and that's that Jimin is as stubborn as a mule. He will follow Jungkook to the other side of the world, he will hide his pain and he will bear with Jungkook's attitude. He will go out of his way to be helpful and he will forgive when Jungkook spills coffee all over his clothes for a favor that could have costed him his life.
The tiger lily in Jungkook's arm beams.
Something is healing inside of him.