When waking up in a room that's so dark you can barely see a few inches in front of you, it's easy to feel like you're alone. This is the case for me when my eyes open, mostly out of my own control as I yawn myself awake. I quickly realize that I'm not alone though because there's Harry with tickling hair and warm skin, limbs going every which way, on top of me. It's a comforting feeling, one that I've gotten used to as he nestles his forehead into my neck.
What "tomorrow" was supposed to consist of was put off another day. We're in New Jersey now. We're close enough to the ocean that I can hear the crashing waves if I sit by the window. But our arrival was much later than we were expecting, and once we were off that last bus we mostly just groaned about how hungry and tired we were. The thrill of traveling by bus is long gone for the both of us at this point.
We already figured that the sunrise part would have to wait because we weren't planning on arriving in the early hours of the morning anyways, but we were supposed to get here mid-afternoon. Unfortunately, nearly anything that could go wrong did.
Harry left one of his few pairs of jeans in the hotel room after we checked out, so we had to go back for that. The bus we were supposed to take in the morning was extremely late so we missed the connecting one at the next stop. I got a really bad headache when we were at lunch, so bad that the thought of food made me feel like I was going to be sick, then not eating only made the headache worse. And the last leg of bus ride was stalled for nearly an hour because of mechanical problems.
Basically, Harry and I were very eager to get the hell away from the bus station once we hit the final stop.
I asked about his friend, he mumbled something about how it was late and he'd call them in the morning, then we decided on a hotel that has a huge casino right next to the lobby, very ready to crash into bed.
There wasn't anything spectacular or life-altering about last night because we were both pretty grumpy. Not necessarily with each other... I decided to drop my annoyance with Harry for not sharing the reasons why he's upset, at least for now because even with his grumpiness there was a huge effort on his part to be happy. Last night consisted of ordering room service, eating far too many fries, then falling asleep not long after, squishing ourselves into the middle of the large bed.
Sleep is probably all we needed because even in these first few seconds of being awake, I can tell the grumpy moods from yesterday are a thing of the past.
Harry's particularly cuddly this morning after our night of surprisingly good rest. His leg is resting over my waist, his arms pulling me closer to him, and his hair still tickling at my skin as I feel his lips press gentle kisses into my neck.
"Are you awake?" he asks with a raspy voice, each word filled with sleepiness.
I groan to answer his question, moving a hand that he trapped with his arms to rub at my eyes. Waking up before the sun has even started to make an appearance in the sky is a little easier when it consists of waking up to kisses from Harry, but it's still brutal. I feel him laugh quietly, always amused by my lack of enthusiasm in the morning and then another few gentle kisses as he moves his leg from on top of me.
Harry has turned into my alarm clock by this point, since he somehow wires his brain to wake up at the time we need to get our day going. It's a mystery to me how he manages to do this but if he decides we need to be up at a certain time he can wake up without the help of any real alarm clocks.
At least that's the story he's told me. I'm convinced he sets alarms on his phone but because I dread mornings so much I sleep right through them, requiring extra motivation from him to actually wake up.
"Don't hate me but it's four-thirty in the morning," he whispers, hugging me a little tighter like it will help his case.
"So early," I groan again, my eyes slowly closing as though they are trying to convince me go back to bed. "Why so early?" I whimper this time, barely any words coming out with it.
"This was your idea," he chuckles, almost taunting me. "You're making me do the dirty work too... waking you up. It's hard to do, baby. You're very cute when you're asleep. And you're not the easiest to drag out of bed in the morning."
"I like sleep," I whisper, my eyes still closed.
"I like you," he whispers back and even though it's dark I can almost feel his smile. "Could be worse, at least you're not aggressive when I have to wake you up... just sweet and sleepy."
Instead of really responding to this comment, I just hum and nod my head, on the verge of drifting back into my slumber. He has a point. I may not enjoy waking up before mid-morning, but at least when I have to I'm not the type to get actually angry about it. In fact, Harry seems like he finds my slight morning-grumpiness to be cute more than anything.
"We have to get up, baby," I hear his voice again, gently moving my body back and forth. "We can't miss the sunrise now, very important. I'll even buy you coffee..." he suggests, knowing that a bribe is the best way to get me out of bed when it's four in the morning.
"Okay," I reply simply, still keeping my eyes shut.
Harry's satisfied with this answer, quickly plunging in to press a deep kiss into my lips and then I feel him pull the covers off of our bodies, exposing us to the colder air of the hotel room. I automatically curl into him like I'm trying to regain the source of warmth I was used to all night while sleeping. He quietly laughs at my reaction, kissing me again, and then I finally decide to wake up.
...
I've found that the key to feeling energized when it's five in the morning is coffee and Harry. Coffee is needed for the chemical reasons, my body having a slight reliance on caffeine at this point. Harry is needed for everything else, even if that's chemical too, because without him I'd just be a sleepy person with coffee that's tricking me into functioning in a remotely awake way.
Despite the struggle to drag myself out of bed, I managed to do it, quickly bundling myself in warm clothes and washing up so I was in a semi-presentable state. Harry being Harry, looks flawless as we walk through the cold sand with paper cups in our hands, his filled with tea since he isn't a huge fan of coffee. His hair is covered in a beanie, a cozy sweatshirt keeping him warm and he smiles so wide that I'm nearly convinced he's the sun instead of whatever is supposed to rise over the horizon in ten minutes.
With a blanket from our room, along with the fleece one I've had the entire trip we're prepared to take on the beach in the early morning, because it's fall now and clear skies mean cold temperatures. The sky is already significantly lighter than it was when we trudged our way into a coffee shop on the boardwalk, but the sun hasn't made it far enough in the sky for me to consider it the start of the day.
I find myself becoming progressively more sentimental with every step we take closer to the ocean, almost every moment with Harry replaying in my head. I'm curious if Harry's doing the same thing as we quietly make our way down the beach, but I don't ask when I look over at him.
He smiles again, blinking slowly when he looks over at me, and we continue to walk forward.
Eventually, although unspoken, we find our place on the beach, using one blanket to sit on top of the sand and the other to wrap over our shoulders so we can stay warm. It's close enough that the waves are right in front of us, but far enough way that the sand is dry.
"Can't believe we're here already," Harry says quietly, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me in so my head is resting against his chest. "Feels like this has gone on forever but also in a blink of an eye at the same time."
"A good forever?" I ask, knowing how something like that can go either way.
"A very good forever, Greta," he laughs at my questioning. "Surprised you put up with me for this long... we've made it from one coast to another."
There's never been much to put up with if I really think about it, even with his sometimes frustrating ways. There have only been so many bumps along the way, most of them being extremely fixable. If we made it from one end of the country to the opposite side together while traveling by bus, I think we'll be able to make it through a lot.
"It helps that you're cute," I tell him, smirking as I tilt my head to look up, watching his snarl grow as he listens to my joking tone.
"I'll use it to my advantage," he smiles back before kissing the top of my head.
I don't think it will ever matter how much he does this, every sweet gesture will always make my heart beat a little faster than normal. This is something that hasn't changed since the day I met him, or that initial moment of him running his hands through my hair. Many other things may have changed for us and will probably continue to change as we know each other, but I don't think that feeling will ever dwindle away.
I've never been in love before Harry. I've loved, there are many things in this world that I love, but he's the first to capture my heart in this extremely special way.
Every silly moment, every slightly stupid adventure, every difficult thing we faced along the way is what got us to this point, something that is both physical since we're in a completely new state and in relation to our status with each other. I didn't know what I was hoping for when I decided to leave home, my family and the life I'd always known... but I realize now that Harry's what I was wishing for.
It wasn't a wish for a boyfriend or for someone to love me... I've never been that type of person, probably something that is hugely related to watching Laurel over the years. I just wanted someone new who could push me to be more of myself, someone who would appreciate my desire to be more than someone stumbling through life thinking that it will all eventually click together.
This didn't have to come in the form of a boyfriend. It could have simply been a friend who would turn into having a life-long appearance in my world. I'm glad it's Harry though, and that I'm also able to tell him I love him in a way that goes beyond a valued friendship.
He's important and without him I'm sure I'd have gone home a long time ago. Though at this point, it's difficult to tell what home even is anymore.
"Do you think," I hear Harry's voice again. Then he pauses for a second to take a sip from his cup, slowly blowing on the steam that's rolling out from the top. "Do you think we would have eventually found each other if we hadn't decided to run away?"
There's a second before I decide to answer his question where I find myself stuck on a section of what he's just asked. Harry's only admitted sparingly to his reasoning of traveling across the country being related to running away, so it's easy to focus on this as I consider his question. I always had a feeling this trip was influenced by a lot more than his original story that he claimed in one of our first conversations, and every day that passes this becomes something that's more and more obvious.
I'm not an expert in how the universe works or really anything related to human interactions, but it doesn't feel absurd to think that Harry and I would find our way to where we are now regardless of how we initially came into each other's lives.
I'm sure we were meant to find each other on that bus, to fall in love in a slightly unconventional way, to do this "soul-searching" together. It's difficult to imagine it happening under any other circumstances.
I can't say I know whether or not this is actually going to be a forever type thing for us, even if it sounds entirely lovely and I'm hopeful for some sort of future with him. I know things happen, life happens, things that start out great don't always stay that way... but it's hard to think of these doubts when Harry stares at me the way he does. It's easy to feel like he'll be around for a very, very long time.
"I think so," I finally answer his question after a long pause of me silently staring forward. "It wouldn't have been the same though. You showed up just when I really needed you... you have good timing, Styles."
"Can't say it was completely unintentional," he laughs, squeezing onto my shoulder a little tighter. His tone is fairly serious despite the accompanying laughter so it's difficult to tell how much of a joke this really is, but Harry tends to be sarcastic so I don't put much thought to it.
The first showing of the sun peeks itself over the ocean, a new warmth hitting my face. This feeling, the happiness I feel in this moment, almost convinces me that early mornings aren't so bad. For that to be true though they would always need to include coffee, ocean sunrises and most importantly, Harry.
"Should we dip our feet in the water?" he asks quietly. "Does that make it official?"
"Let's do it," I smile up at him, setting the cup of coffee that's in my hand in the sand, making a little hole for it to sit in.
He laughs at my sudden rise in energy, nearly jumping up from the ground as he shakes sand off of his pants. It takes a little more effort on my part to join him on my feet, groaning as I stand up. When I do reach the same level, he grabs my hand, pulling me along as he runs toward the water.
Before we actually reach the cold crashing waves, he stops and kneels down. I watch as he rolls his pants up, giving his feet room to go in the water without it wetting the ankles of his pants. Then he reaches for my legs and does the same thing, rolling up my jeans so they won't get wet with sea water. He tilts his head up as his fingers secure the new cuff in my jeans, smiling at me in a way where it almost feels like I can read every thought in his head.
My hand moves to his cheek, brushing back softly as he leans into it, humming to himself. I whisper "thank you" and he nods as he stands up again, reaching for my hand as we finish the few steps into the ocean.
The moment the water hits my toes I squeal, reaching for Harry and holding on to his chest. He laughs loudly, wrapping his arms around me when I lean into him, lifting me up slightly as he hugs me. I knew the water wouldn't be warm. I had that expectation in my head. But it was enough of a shock that I went off reflex... and reflex is apparently clinging onto Harry.
"Woah, woah," he breathes out, still hugging me so tightly that my feet aren't actually touching the ground. "I know you think I'm cute, Greta... but there's no need to attack me. I will kindly give you a hug if you just ask," he continues to laugh, highly amused with his own sarcasm.
"Shut up, Harry," I roll my eyes at him, loosening my grip so my feet return to the water. "It just surprised me is all... the water is cold," I add, another squeal leaving my mouth when a wave rushes over my feet again, my skin on the verge of numbness.
"So skinny dipping is a no go then?" he tries, raising his eyebrows up and down as he lets me go.
"I don't see it happening," I try to let him down easy.
"Does it still count as skinny dipping if it's in the shower?" he asks, his voice sounding like he's asking the most important question he's ever thought of, always thinking of ways to reduce the amount of clothes on our bodies. "What do you say about skinny dipping in the shower this morning, hmm?"
"I don't think it counts," I answer him, laughing at the thought. "But I may be more interested in that. We can pretend it's a uh... something like a waterfall, a very warm waterfall. Then I feel like we can consider it skinny dipping."
Harry smiles as he nods his head at my suggestion. His arm wraps around my waist and I lean into him again, but now staring forward as the sun moves higher and higher in the sky. My feet have become numb enough I can barely feel the waves crashing over the top of my toes, having to wiggle them every once in a while to make sure they are still there.
We're quiet again, the only sounds coming from the waves in front of us and birds occasionally flying over our heads. My heart does this thing as I stare forward that I find difficult to put words to. The sentimental mood returns in full swing and there's a mixture of absolute content for where I am in my life and fear on what I'm supposed to do next.
Thoughts of nowhere in particular led me here, led me to Harry and every bit of happiness I feel right now. And as I watch the sunrise I start to think that maybe it was never about a destination at all, maybe it was about every single moment that made this feeling possible.
"Greta," I hear Harry say my name, interrupting the quiet nostalgic feeling between us.
"Yeah?" I ask, leaning my head up to look at him.
His jaw is tense, eyes still forward and even with my funny angle I can tell he's thinking very hard about something. It feels like a glimpse back to the moments of days before with Harry being sad for unexplained reasons. It also feels different though because he doesn't exactly look sad... just like he's contemplating, trying to figure something out.
"I love you, yeah," he says quietly, pausing for a second before he directs his gaze down at mine. "You showed up right when I needed you, too... I-, I want- I need you to remember that."
"I love you too," I whisper back. The words are sincere as they come but my eyebrows still pull together, put off slightly by Harry's jumpiness as he speaks. It feels like there's a lot more to this confession, almost like he's trying to make sure this is in my head before something bigger, something I won't see coming happens.
"You know how I was talking about finding the most beautiful thing in the world?" he asks, changing the conversation a little.
"Yeah," I respond, looking up at him again and noticing his eyes facing toward the sun.
"I don't think it's possible," he adds quickly. "It's far too subjective to have a definitive answer... and I'm not even sure if I want to rank them at all in the first place. I guess it's turned into your list of favorite songs. There isn't one that's especially better than the other, they all hold a lot of importance."
"I think that's nice," I smile at him, liking that it's something I can very much relate to.
"But even with this list of moments and beautiful things," he continues, talking slowly. "I still have a favorite, which I know is breaking the code of everything I just said... I guess there's just one exception."
"Which is?" I ask with my heart beating faster than it was moments ago.
"You," he says simply, still staring forward. "It's like right now... this sunrise is beautiful on its own, the ocean is in that perfect state where it's not fully calm but almost like it's waking up too. But I don't think it would feel this nice if I was here by myself. Without you I just have a list of good views and moments that made me smile for more than a few seconds. You're the one that makes it into something memorable."
Harry's a cheesy person, something I learned very quickly about him. He loves being able to let out some line that sounds like it could come directly out of a feel-good movie and then raise his eyebrows up and down until I pretend to think it's charming... even if it is charming. This is different though. It isn't followed by his funny eyebrow raising gaze. He isn't searching for a smile out of me. He just means every word that came out of his mouth.
It doesn't feel like its sugar coated in order to get a certain reaction out of me. It feels raw, like it's something that came straight from Harry, something that makes my heart beat even faster.
I can't even begin to imagine what goes on in Harry's brain, his quick wit and random thoughts often throw me off track before I can even try. And with his slight distance over the last week it's been even harder. I don't need to know what goes on his head to know how he feels about us... or me though, he's always made it pretty clear.
And I'm still convinced that I'm not good at picking favorites. I don't think I'll ever have a favorite song, or a favorite food to eat for dinner, or a favorite season... but there's one thing I can make this nearly impossible decision for. Harry really is my favorite person in this world. There's still a list for that category as well, but he's the exception in the rules of how my mind works, his name right at the top.
He's what made any of the craziness of the last few months something that was worthwhile, something life changing. And we've somehow made it through without wanting to rip each other's heads off... which I think is rare considering the amount of time we spend together. Sure, we bicker, which usually results in Harry getting pouty until I'll kiss him and everything goes back to normal. But even with our never-ending attachment to each other, we still somehow want to keep it that way.
He's my favorite thing to wake up to in the morning, and I don't like waking up... and he's my favorite person to fall asleep with after a long day, where we whisper to each other until we can't speak another word from exhaustion.
I love this boy next to me so much it's almost scary. Just because it's scary doesn't mean that it isn't worthwhile though... if I've learned anything from this trip, it's that sometimes doing things that scare you a little are the most important.
"Should we get breakfast then?" Harry asks.
Until I hear this question I didn't even realize that I am hungry, the warm coffee tricking my stomach into the opposite. But now that the idea is in my head, I eagerly nod at the suggestion. The sun is well above the water now, and the beach even feels busier with morning joggers and others taking a leisurely stroll. So it isn't difficult to turn my back to it, deciding to move on from the thing that was supposed mean an end.
It doesn't feel like an end now, it feels like the beginning. It's the beginning of a new day and maybe the beginning of something new for me as well. It's hard to tell exactly what it means, but Harry's here with me and that feels like enough to know it's a sign of something good.
...
An hour, another cup of coffee and a stack of French toast later, we're sat in little restaurant on the boardwalk, overlooking the beach we started our morning at. The majority of our "heavy" subjects were left there as well, our table conversation consisting of jokes and Harry making up funny voices for reasons I don't think either of us understand.
It's carefree and easy, and the only thought of what's to come next is planning a night on the boardwalk, playing games and dragging Harry onto a rollercoaster since he's said he doesn't like them much. There isn't any talk of the future the beyond that, which is something I'm thankful for because the uncertainty of it almost feels easier.
It doesn't take much to change this laughter filled meal though. All I have to do is ask one question and the mood completely shifts.
"So what about your friend then?" I ask, stuffing another bite of French toast into my mouth. "Are we going to meet up with them?"
For the amount of time I've spent around Harry this is something I probably should know more about. I should know who this friend is, their name at least... how Harry knows them. I should know the bare minimal of details. But I don't, and I didn't even realize this until I ask now.
It doesn't take much to understand Harry's reaction is telling of this being a complicated question. I can tell from his fidgety movements, his focus on the plate in front of him, how he won't look in my eyes, that this won't be a simple answer. It's something I should have probably questioned sooner, only I was too wrapped up in him and our moments to realize that something could be off with his claim.
"Greta," he whispers my name, still moving his fork around in his hand, still not looking at me.
The longer he does this, the more nervous I become. Most things Harry doesn't dodge around, most things he'll tell me what's on his mind without any hesitation as to what I'll say in return. The only time this doesn't happen is when it's in regards to his dad, whatever has been bothering him since his phone call with his mom and this right now... which may or may not be connected, it's hard to tell at this point.
It's never a good sign when he says my name like that. Not that I've ever really heard it much anyways... but I can tell from the tone that it's not something I want to hear.
"Harry," I say his name back, staring at him harder. I feel like I'm yelling inside my head for him to stop being a coward, to look at me and tell me whatever is going on, and I'm sure if he waits much longer it might actually happen.
"There," he begins, finally moving his eyes up and looking into mine. There's a brief relief with this, knowing that I haven't completely lost him. But the gaze seems to cut him off and he stops the sentence that was going to come out of his mouth before he gets in another word.
I can tell by the look on his face that he's nervous. Not that I needed to see it to know this, it's plenty obvious by the shakiness of this voice. It's impossible to decipher what this all could really mean considering the amount of things Harry's kept me in the dark in, something that didn't feel nearly as frustrating as it does now.
"Greta," Harry starts again, taking a deep breath as he says my name. "There isn't a friend here. There's no one for us to meet up with."
There's something crushing about these words... maybe because it feels like there's true honestly coming from him now, which causes me to question every other word that I've heard from Harry. What he's just said is real. I can tell it's real and because of that I find myself quickly jumping to other things, realizing that he may have hidden more under his original words.
Even with this awful feeling that pulses through me when I register what he's just said, I still put on a brave face, almost joking... hoping, that I'm over-exaggerating and coming to conclusions before I really should.
"What do you mean?" I try to force a smile, not doing it well. It doesn't help that Harry's face doesn't budge, doesn't show any sign other than his nervousness. "Did we take too long? Are we so slow that they moved within the time you left?"
Harry shakes his head, breathing out deeply again. It's almost as if he doesn't want to say what he's going to say, but he knows he has to. He's backed himself into this corner, and he knows it.
"No," he looks down from my eyes again. "I was never on that bus to visit someone... there was never a friend to begin with."