The headphones are laying around my neck and I hear distant dim voices from them. I am facing the window, peering a look at the bad weather. It's heavily raining and the grey sky always gives me a headache. My dad also has this annoying thing and right now I am wondering how much we don't have a proper conversation. We only see each other for dinner but most of the time we're both so tired that we stay quiet until one of us stands up and leaves the table first. That's why yesterday night I left him a post-it on the table with the words: don't rush at dinner, I want to have a proper conversation. And I hope he read that because otherwise, I have to open some sort of conversation out of nowhere. It's not a big deal, I know, but if he is prepared it's different.
«Enede,» Daniele calls me tapping one hand on my shoulder. «There will be a trap in a trap. Kevin will be the bait,» he explains to me as I lift my head to meet his gaze.
I frown. «What?» As I ask that, I put back my headphones and the voices become clearer.
«You won't be there?» It's Kevin asking that using an apparently confused tone.
«Sure I will,» Joe answers, his voice is a bit distant. «I want you to be the one that does the big step.»
«Which is?»
«You'll know it only on the day.»
I whine pushing my head back for the frustration. Why he has to keep all these secrets? If he trusts Kevin, he shouldn't stay quiet on that stuff. Or maybe Joe doesn't trust him and wants to be sure he will be there until the end. But what is this big thing about? Has Kevin killed Nando? What will this be about?
«You really don't fully trust me,» Kevin broaches with an annoyed tone.
«I do, figlio, but this thing is delicate. It's better if I only know it,» Joe pushes out. «But I am sure you don't mind, right? If you want to take my place, you're here to follow me step by step, right?»
A silence makes the line on the desktop straight and I wonder what Kevin is thinking about. I bit my inner lips as my usual nervous tic and flash a gaze to Daniele who is facing fiercely the monitor and waiting for the boy's answer.
«I guess I have to repeat this to you until the end,» Kevin replies and I take a deep breath out. «You will never trust me, I am sure about that.»
«Why you're acting such a girly way?» Joe snorts. «You and I both need time. Are you in a hurry?»
«No, Father.»
«Good. Then what you should know is that it will be a big attack and after that, we'll be clean and I'll step back so you can start leading the family in your way,» Joe suddenly confesses and I widen my gaze. «Of course always with me as your shadow.»
«Wow,» I mumble. «He is really tiresome.»
Daniele chuckles and looks at me. «You just called one of the biggest Mafia leaders boring?»
«Yes,» I press with a blank expression. «All his purposes are. And I am looking forward to the end of this. I am so tired of all this. I am sure people can find it compelling but for me is just a waste of time.»
«Innocent die because of people like him,» Daniele tosses out. «People wake up with the fear in their heart, because of them. They don't know if they will arrive at the end of the day alive only because they've breathed the same air. And you think all of his is boring and a waste of time?»
I bend my back, feeling suddenly small. «It's not what I meant,» I whisper with an ashamed tone. «Maybe boring wasn't the right word, I am sorry.»
«You're risking your life for a boy you barely know,» suddenly he adds and I open my lips to the surprise of the words. «How did you end up here? Don't you have respect for yourself?»
«Are you okay?» I back him off. «I am here not because I wanted to play a game, Daniele. I am here because I have a saviour soul. Every time someone needs help and it's in front of me I can't walk away without trying something. I literally pulled off the street a homeless man and his dog because I wasn't sleeping the night.»
I take off my headphones, not interested anymore in the conversation between Kevin and Joe. «I took care of a passed-out girl on the floor of my university when no one was helping her. I cried nights because of her death and I didn't even know her. I didn't decide to help Kevin because I wanted something to do in my empty life. I decided to help him because everyone needs a hand to hold when no one does it. He needed a push and if I didn't make up my mind in creating this plan, his life would've been doing something he never wanted to do and being forced into killing and stuff like that.
«And yes, I have respect for myself and I am proud of the person I am, even if sometimes it can seem selfless. I have a pure mind and a weak heart, blame me.»
Daniele glues his lips, staring at me and I can't read his expression but then he says his thoughts. «Why did you study literature? You would've been a really good lawyer.»
I blink fast. That was very random and I have no idea how to wrap my mind around that confession. I just shrug, not knowing what to say in response. I have never thought to work in the law world, it has never been my thing. No one ever told me I was good in words and in that area. Daniele is the first one popping out this side of me and I don't even think he is fully right about it. I just had a vent about everything I am walking through, and I don't like when people take my action so lightly. Everyone has their mind, I don't see why we have to judge others' decisions. I get that you may think differently, but still, it's my life, my body, my way to pick how to die or live.
«Anyway,» the man sighs pushing down his headphones. «I guess what we can achieve by these conversations is just Joe being vague about his last attack and some names that I can use to put everyone in jail. I hope that at least he will tell Kevin the place of the attack.»
I nod, still quiet. I also hope we will have more information about that because otherwise, it will be hard to reach it before Kevin has to do something extreme. We can put a GPS on him and reach the place, we already talked about that, so we have a Plan B. And Daniele told me he has made some calls to reliable army corps, people that don't work in Milan's police but they still have power. We slowly are building the house, but we still need a big component.
Kevin and Joe talked for another forty minutes before they split. As soon as the bug was off, the first one sent me a text, warning me he was coming and I didn't answer, knowing that he didn't need that. After the little conversation with Daniele, I left the office to make myself a coffee, even if it tastes bad and drank it outside the office, sitting on the stairs and looking at the moving city in front of me, wondering what those people do. I see a young girl, probably in middle school, with a heavy backpack and trying to hold the umbrella which is flying with the rain. I pity her but I stay where I am, shifting my gaze from her to a man with his briefcase on his head, trying to cover his head from the weather. He is walking fast, almost running and searching for something in the pocket of his coat. Probably the car's key. I hold a laugh when he almost slips on a wet rock before disappearing behind a corner.
I wonder if The Cleaners are still following me, if they know about the plan and if they've seen where Daniele is. I think if they knew, they would've gone to Joe and told him everything or threaten Kevin with their knowledge. Or maybe they're too stupid to think how to use it in their advance. Whatever it's going on, I don't like this silence, it is making me even more nervous.
Someone pats my head and I lift my head, narrowing my eyes to look better. Kevin is smiling at me with a mixed-up gaze. «What are you doing here?» He asks sitting next to me when he sees I am not moving.
I shrug. «I needed fresh air and to handle this dirty water,» I comment turning up the paper glass with the coffee I didn't even drink. «I am gonna buy him a good coffee machine and pods.»
The guy next to me chuckles while shaking his head. «A thank you gift?»
«Kinda,» I retort turning my head in his direction. «How are you?»
«Fine,» he answers with a sigh. «I am impatient. I don't like the way he is handling the situation. I feel like he is trapping me,» he confesses and his eyes confirm his theory.
I shake my head and wrap my arm around his before reaching for his hand and crossing our fingers. «I am sure it's just your mind playing with you,» I assert. «I think he is keeping his distance but just to be sure you won't make a misstep.»
He stays quiet while facing our hands and rubbing his thumb against my skin. I know the fear he feels inside him. I can only imagine what his father could do if he knew the reality behind Kevin's steps. He could hit him or, worse for Kevin, do something to me. I think revenge for mobsters is the most important thing. Even more than family and money. They want respect and if you don't give it back, you're done. And they don't care if you have a family if you have your life planned, or if you're young.
If you disrespect them, they won't have respect for you.
«Everything will work out, right?»
«Yes,» I don't hesitate to answer. «And if it doesn't, we can just run away.»
He turns his head in my direction. «We?»
I frown. «You really think I am gonna let you alone?»
«You need to accomplish your life.»
«I'll accomplish wherever we'll go.»
Kevin sighs, shaking his head. «It's not what I want for you.»
«But it's what I want for me,» I grit. «I know you would feel guilty if I don't conclude my study and have something in my hand, but it would be too hurtful to let you go. I can't lose another important person in my life, I don't think I can handle it.»
He deeply stares at me before bringing his free hand behind my head and pulling me in his direction before leaving a soft kiss against my forehead. «Then we need to win over this,» he whispers over my hair.
«We will,» I address.
We go back inside, where Daniele is patiently waiting for us. As we enter the room, the man sitting on the other side of the desk flashes a look over Kevin and asks him what he thinks about his father's ideas.
«He is surely thinking big,» he starts as he sits on the usual chair and I do the same next to him. «Whatever he is preparing, it's something that should end the war between him and Nando but the only final hit I can think of is that he wants to kill him.»
«Why do you think that?» Daniele asks inching towards us and pushing his elbows on the wood table.
«Because there is no way my father will pay everything to Nando without expecting them to do the same,» he explains. «I think the plan is to make them believe we're going to pay or collaborate but the other side of the coin is this thing he is keeping away from me. I only hope it will be quick.»
«If he won't, we'll put the GPS on you,» the man ensures. «I have reached good people that will be there to catch all of them, don't worry. You won't have to move a finger.»
No one has mention not even once the Gala and I wonder why Kevin hasn't told me anything about it. My thoughts are about him wanting to push that away since he doesn't want me to go there so his father would suspect anything but on the other hand, I want to go. I want to see Joe and face him once and for all. I think I am no anymore an obstacle to him. Joe doesn't know me, he has no idea if I agree or not with Kevin's lifestyle so I don't see why I shouldn't be there but I am not going to open the conversation if he won't.
«Have you any idea when he wants to do it?» I ask, looking at Kevin. «I mean, how much time does he need to prepare everything?»
He shrugs. «It can be one week or one month, I have no idea. I am trying to make him talk but he is a thick wall and I have no idea how to break it.»
Daniele scratches his long bread while he is lingering his stare at Kevin and I am facing my fingers, asking myself the same thing as the guy next to me is doing. There should be something Kevin must do to make his father fully believe him but no one knows what.
«I think your father wants to see the rage in you,» I suddenly say, raising my head to point my eyes at Kevin. «If you will keep bowing your head every time he says no he will never believe you're worth it. If you start to rise against him, he will re-think about you.»
«She has a good point,» Daniele keeps up my theory. «From what I have understood, your father always wanted a strong and emotionless man. If you keep saying 'Yes Father' he is aware that he still has power over you but he needs to understand that you don't fear him anymore, he knows the moment has arrived.»
Kevin stays silent after our little speech and I give his hand a little twist, wondering if he is offended by our words or if he is thinking about it. He turns his head over me and lingers a stare more than it should be and I frown, trying to understand what his blank expression means.
Thank he speaks. «Yeah, you both are right,» he confesses with a dim tone. «The only problem is that I am afraid of my father.»
My heart aches as he says those words. I feel it cracking in my ribs and the rage in my veins bursts, pushing my will to hit Joe to be bigger. I sigh silently shaking slowly my head. «I know,» I murmur. «But I am sure he will be less aggressive if he understands that you're not the fourteen anymore. He is mad at you for being human, he needs to see that you're empty. The more you look like him, the less you'll be his regret.»
I gently rub my thumb against Kevin's hand and put the other one on top, holding him strongly and trying to comfort his chaotic mind. I am aware of how hard this can be for him because he has to pretend to be someone he is not and he will never be but I state that this is the only way to crack Joe a bit.
Kevin nods. «Okay,» he starts with a secure tone. «I can do it.»
«Boy,» Daniele calls him as he inches towards him. «You can do it. You're grown up. I know that in our life there will always be that one person that can affect us more than the others, but we need to overpass that person or we will never be able to finally feel free.»
I don't have that person or maybe it's myself. As I think that, I wonder who puts my obstacles. As Daniele said, Kevin's big wall is his father. We all know how confident Kevin is, and yet he folds like a fragile paper when his father enters the conversation. I don't have that person. But I have me. And I think when yourself is the biggest enemy, it's harder to fly away from your sick mind. You will always need someone to pull you away. I needed my father and my best friend to stay alive. Now I can walk with my feet, but I would've never been able to do it if it wasn't for them.
«I'll tell him I'll be there tomorrow.»
I shake my head. «Just go there,» I assert. «If you are going to call him it's like you're asking for him to meet you. Instead, you want him to know that you can do whatever you want.»
«Okay, missy headstrong,» Kevin speaks with an amused tone. «I'll go there tomorrow and make him say more stuff about Nando.»
I smile, proud of I was able to make him change his mind and helped him find a new solution. Daniele also has an amused smile on his face and for the first time in a month, it's like we all see the tunnel's end near but I am wondering if it's just the exit that brings us to another long dark tunnel.
At home, I am cooking dinner for me and my father. I read his answer on the post-it back and he said that he also wanted a proper conversation with me and he would've headed out from the hospital earlier than usual, so I am preparing him dinner for once in my life.
I wanted to bake the gateau of potato but it has never been my thing so I skipped that meal and replace it with pasta and tomato. Easy and always good.
I am smiling at the pan vaporising under my nose when I hear the door opening. I turn my head over to where my dad is about to appear and when my eyes meet him, I smirk at him with a hand wave.
«You cooking?» He says with a confused look as he approaches me. «It must be a deep conversation the one you want to have.»
I roll my eyes. «There is no need to be mean, come on,» I fend off and accept his kiss against my forehead before he stops next to me. «And I don't want to have a specific conversation. I just want to have a normal dinner where we don't stay quiet and then split.»
«You're right,» he answers. «But you're the one disappearing a lot, lately. And I wonder if it's always because of the university or because of someone.»
I flash him a gaze before bringing back my focus to the food that apparently is a lot interesting. He chuckles at my reaction and moves to pass by me and stretches to open the cabinet on the top of the fridge. He grasps the two wine glasses and then opens the fridge to pick up the white wine bottle. «I think we actually have a subject for our today conversation,» he comments before pouring the transparent yellow liquid into our glasses.
I peer him a look as he hands me the glass of wine and I sigh, knowing where he is trying to go. His subject will be Kevin and mine wasn't going to be him, I wanted to talk about Mom but I suppose she will be put in second place for now. I spin the wooden spoon in the pasta pan and pick one penna to taste it to check if it's ready or not. My father and I both prefer when it's al dente, so when I feel it slightly smooth, I turn off the gas. I put the colander in the sink and spill the pasta with water in it. When all the food falls off the pan, I take the colander and add the content of it to the other pan with tomato sauce. While I do all of this, my father stays quiet and sets the table behind me. I mix the pasta with tomato sauce and when I feel it's ready I take two plates and prepare them for us.
When everything is ready, I sit and drink a long sip of wine before smashing the glass back on the table and lifting my eyes to my fathers'. «You want to talk about Kevin.»
My dad nods. «I am aware you're seeing him but that's all I know.»
I tilt my head. «Why do you think I am still seeing him?»
«Your eyes changed,» he drafts. «You've never had someone serious and I have never seen this look in your gaze.» I frown and he smiles at my reaction. «Even if we don't have conversations during dinner, I can recognise when you've been with him and when you don't. And today you did.»
«How do you sense that?»
«Some signals. One is your mood. You're in good humour when you see him.» That's not always like that but it's something that he doesn't know and won't for now. «Another is the glow in your eyes. Something that started to shine not long ago. It's just something that you feel, mostly if you're a parent and know your kid very well and I am aware you are seeing him and that you like him a lot.»
I drink, flushing away the knot in my throat because if he only knew the truth, he wouldn't talk about this situation so happily and so full of fairytale tone. But I can't break his wall. He is my father, he wouldn't accept it and he would be so worried about me. I need to push his wall as it stays still.
I sigh. «It's complicated,» I retort. «You're right, I really like him. I see him a lot but it's very complicated.»
«How come?» His face darkens.
«Not in a bad way,» I wade quickly. «It's just that I am a very restricted person and he is very... extrovert.»
My dad chuckles. «You're so much like me,» he admits while shaking his head. «Your mother was the open one, I always was in her shadow.»
«But I am trying to let myself go so things work.»
«I want to meet him.»
I choke with the pasta and I sip the wine to help myself feel better. «Pardon?»
«It's been months, I want to meet him and fully know him.»
I shake my head. «Not yet.»
«Why?»
«I don't want to make it official,» I admit being fully honest right now. «I first need to see if it's something serious and then I will officially make you two meet.»
«Mh,» my dad murmurs scratching his clean chin. «I don't know. I still want to meet him.»
«You will, just not now okay?»
If Kevin knew my father wants to meet him, he would totally be up for it, I am 100% convinced of that but I don't want to. When the plan will be over, they can. Now, not. And my decision is firm. I stare at my father, giving him my thoughts and making him understand that this is not something we can trade about.
He gives up. «Okay,» he huffs. «Just one question: does he treat you right?»
«He does,» I reply with no hesitation. «He is very protective if that can make you feel good. He would never let something happen to me.»
«Oh, I like him.»
I laugh and he follows me. Even if I can put the mafia side of our story, the rest of it can be said and it's not a lie the fact that Kevin is very overprotective against me. Since the way he lives, he wants to be sure I am fine and I have the feeling he would do the same even if we would've had a different life. It's his being and I like it. I feel safe when I am with him in whatever situation. Good or bad, I know that if he is next to me, nothing bad can happen to me. Not physically or mentally. He was able to catch me at my panic attack and he cared when I was eating less, he wants to be sure I have all I need and it's really something that makes me super happy. Happy. Am I happy right now? Can I consider being with Kevin being happy?
«My hospital has been invited to a Gala,» my dad changes the subject of our conversation and I shift my focus on his words. «Actually, my department. All the doctors and nurses are being initiated to this big gala.»
I hold my breath. How come my father's department has been invited to a gala? Is that the same one that Joe is hosting? Is Kevin aware of this? I am super confused.
I hold my dad's sigh. «Do you know who is hosting it?»
My dad shakes his head. «No, it's anonymous and all the department heads are invited. I suppose also lawyers, police, politics and important people will be there,» he explains to me while I hold the knot in my throat as nausea growls in my stomach. «They told me it's for charity and that we can bring our relatives.»
Yes, it must be Joe's gala. I am pretty sure that man has a very clever mind and he planned all of this for one purpose: having me there. He wants to spy on Kevin and see how he acts around me. And I am going to go there. I want to go to this Gala and check on him too. He wants to picture me and I want to picture him. I am sure it will be super fun to face him and make him understand that I am not afraid of him.
«Enede?» I flash my dad a gaze. «Will you come with me? I was thinking about bringing you with me. It would be funny, what do you think?»
«Do I have to?»
My dad frowns. «I would like to have you next to me, is that a problem?»
I can't let him down. «No, no. Of course. It's just that... fancy things aren't my road.»
«I will be there with you. I just need a known person next to me.»
«When will it be?»
«In two weeks,» he tells me checking on the calendar hanging against the wall behind me. «It's a Friday.»
Should I tell Kevin about it? I am pretty sure his father will tell him what he is doing. But I have the fear that if I warn him about my father's invitation, he will do everything he can to not let me go. He doesn't want me to meet his father but I want to. I'll keep this little secret to myself. He will be mad at me, once he will see me there but it won't last long.
«That will be fun,» I confess with a smile. «I'll be there with you.»
«Thank you, sweetie.» My dad inches towards me and leaves a kiss against my cheek before going back to eating.
My stomach is closed but I force myself to eat the rest of the pasta while my dad keeps asking me some questions about Kevin like what he does for a living and when he asks me that I almost dropped my mask. I quickly shot the lawyer thing, telling him that he is working in an office by himself.
«He wants to leave for England, in future,» I comment with a low tone. «It's where his mom lives.»
«What about his father?»
I sip the wine blowing away the bad words I can tell about Joe. «An absent father, he doesn't care about him. But he wants to move back for his mom.»
My dad nods. «That must be bad,» he says as he finishes his wine. «It's good that he wants to be with his mom.»
«Next week will be Mom's death anniversary.» The melancholy in my voice is pretty tangible and my heart aches when I say those words but I keep a soft smile on my face. «I'll go to talk with her, as always.»
«I will try to do that too but you know how hard it's for me to enter a cemetery.»
«You can talk with her from here or go to church, Dad. You don't have to stay against her grave. I know it's hard, but I am sure she understands.»
«You're right. I'll find a way but it's good that you will go. She will love to hear your voice.»
I sniff as I keep the knot in my throat threatening me to push out my tears. I lift my head, meeting the ceiling and doing a deep breath. I don't want to cry but when this period starts, it's always hard for me to keep up. It's a good thing that I am distracted with Kevin's life, otherwise, I would cry every day but now that I popped out of the conversation, I feel the heaviness of it on my chest. I can't help but start to cry. My dad wraps his arms around me and pulls me against him, hugging me strongly as I let out my frustration against his white shirt. I hate missing her so much but I can't do otherwise and let my sadness have control of it, so I can vent about it and then feel better after.
My Dad always holds me when I have a crisis about mom and he never complained about it and I like his way to handle the situation and to handle me. Sometimes wonder if he ever cries to her and if he does how does he copy it?
When I am in my room, laying in bed, covered by all the sheets, I am on one side and facing my phone. I open Kevin's chat and type without thinking too much about it.
I had a really deep conversation with my dad
Kevin
About what?
Some stuff and my mom...
I stopped crying 5 minutes ago
Kevin
I don't like to hear that
You okay now?
For as much as I can be, yes
During this period I miss her more than the other days
Kevin
I would like to be there with you
It's okay, my dad handles this for three years
He is good at it ;)
After a few other texts, I give him a good night and turn off my phone, turning my body to the opposite side.
Joe is hosting a Gala where he asked his son to bring me but to keep up the plan, Kevin told him I am not in his life anymore. Joe doesn't believe him and he invites my dad to the Gala, knowing that he wouldn't say no and would force me to go with him. And now I need to think about what to do. If tell Kevin about it or slip on it and let the days go as they should go and he will have the surprise in two weeks.
What a month is waiting for me.
—
AUTHOR SPACE
Hey there. Hope you're having a good day! I have a new fresh chapter hereee. We are 10 chapters apart ehehe.
So, Robert -Enede's father- has been invited to a Gala and Enede suspect is the same as Joe planned. Why would he invite him? Probably because he wants to spy on her, as she already figured out. Kevin won't be happy about that.
Q: How do you think would be Enede and Joe's meeting?
Lemme know by commenting!
Love ya,
Benny. <3
CHAPTER COVER MADE BY ME