"𝙳𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚆𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝙼𝚎?"
ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ
𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘴𝘴' 𝘢𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵
tw: conversation about suicide/suicidal thoughts
"NERVOUS?" Emily asks as she brushes through Noah's hair.
"No, why would I be nervous?" The teen replies as she watches her mother curl a small section of her hair.
"Because this is your first school dance and you're going with your first girlfriend," Emily chimes.
"Girlfriend?"
"Yeah," Emily replies. "What? I'm not allowed to say that?"
"We haven't really talked about that yet," Noah says as she shakes her head.
"How has everything else been?" Emily asks, deciding to change the subject.
"Everything else?"
"Yeah, you know, your well-being," Emily says. "It's a mother's job to make sure her kid is okay."
"I'm fine."
Emily peers at Noah through the mirror. Even looking at Emily's eyes through a reflection is hard for her. The mother knows that she is lying. She slowly turns the teen around and stares into her eyes for a moment. Noah can feel the tension, Emily knows something that she does not want her to.
"Is there a reason your wet clothes are in the washer and smell like you jumped into a lake?"
"What?" Noah asks as her eyes meet her mother's. Emily glares back at her, knowing that she heard her question. "I don't know."
"You don't know?" Emily tuts. "C'mon, that's the worst excuse. What happened?"
"I went to the lake," Noah shrugs.
"When?"
"This morning," The teen replies.
"This morning? Why did you go to the lake this morning? And why were your clothes wet?"
"Because I went to the lake and a lake has water in it."
"Why were you in the water?" Emily questions her. "Noah, if you're struggling, I need you to tell me—"
"What?" Noah cuts her mother off. "I didn't jump in—wait. You think I jumped in to hurt myself? Emily, I wouldn't do that."
"That's what anyone would say," Emily says. "I don't think anyone ever thinks they could do it. I don't think anyone wants to do it either, but when people struggle, it can build and it can seem like the only way out."
"I don't need a way out," Noah says, honestly peering into her mother's eyes. "I went to the dock because I was...happy."
The teen stops speaking as she thinks to herself. It is hard for her to explain herself. It is almost embarrassing how bad it can get. She wishes she did not have to tell Emily everything, but she has to be honest with her.
"After I got the acceptance for the guest speaker, I felt like everything was falling into place again. And the only reason that I spiral after everything's fine is because of what happened in the past. I couldn't push it away. But I talked to Dr. Stephenson and he said that I had to realize that it's not my responsibility to remember anymore. It's not my responsibility to keep any little shred of my family put together. So I went to the lake," Noah pauses as she grabs her phone off the counter and shows Emily a picture. "When I was younger, my Dad used to take me to the lake. We would go fishing and it would just be the two of us. It was the place where we could relax together."
Emily's eyes water as she looks at the picture of Noah sitting on the edge of a little fishing boat. She has a pink kids fishing rod in her hand and is looking down into the water.
"It was the one thing we had that Gia never ruined. It wasn't ever about the place or what we were doing, it was about escaping. And we were doing it together, that's what made it so secure," Noah pauses for a moment. "So, I went to the lake to remind myself that she doesn't control everything. She never did and never will. But, I fell into the lake and my foot got caught on a branch. I was able to pull myself out, but it was scary. It felt like she was there pulling me down. She was trying to kill me—" She chokes on her words, feeling Emily's hands cradle her cheeks.
"But then I realized she couldn't do that anymore, so I pulled myself out," Noah cries, but pulls herself together as she reminds herself how grateful she is that she was able to save herself. "And now I feel like I can move on."
"Noah," Emily coos. "I don't know what I would've done if you wouldn't have been able to get yourself out. I'm glad you're okay, but you have to stop sneaking out."
"Sorry," Noah sighs.
"Alright, look," Emily says, changing the subject. She turns Noah around to look at herself in the mirror again, watching the teen's frown turn into a wide smile.
"It looks so good!" Noah exclaims as she runs her hand through her hair. "I didn't even know my hair could look like this."
"Now all you have to do is put on your outfit and it'll all come together," Emily murmurs. Noah realizes that her mother seems lost in thought at the sight of her.
"Okay, I'm gonna put my clothes on and then you can see it."
"Alright," The mother chimes and watches her daughter walk out of the bathroom and across the hall to her own bedroom. The door closes and Emily leans against the counter, frustrated that her daughter had to get hurt and scared before she could realize how moving on could be a good thing.
Emily walks into her bedroom and sits on the bed. She picks up her phone and goes through her messages, waiting for the teen. Once she hears Noah's door open, she glances up and smiles at the sight of her daughter.
"What do you think?" Noah asks as she does a twirl to show her mother the entire outfit.
"It's perfect!" Emily says with a chuckle as she realizes how alike the two of them are.
Noah puts her hands in her pockets as she shows off her black pantsuit. The shirt underneath her jacket has a low cut on works perfectly with the set. She decided to put on a silver necklace that has a crystal blue pendant on it that she had stolen from Emily months ago. When the mother found it, she did not say anything and let Noah keep it.
She paired the suit with her Doc Martens, which matched more than she thought they would. Emily grins as she clutches her phone, wanting to take a million pictures.
"You and Penelope did good," Emily chuckles. "I love it."
"Thanks," Noah says as she looks down at her boots. "Do you think the necklace will match?"
"Yeah, I think it looks good," Emily chimes.
Noah nods and walks to the bathroom, needing some last touches. She makes sure her hair is in place and her clothes are straight. She sprays her vanilla sandalwood perfume which she only uses for special occasions on her neck, chest, and wrists. She walks out and down the stairs, finding Emily waiting for her at the door.
"Ready?"
"Mhm," Noah hums.
"Nervous?"
"I already told you I wasn't nervous."
"Whatever you say," Emily chuckles. "Let's go get your girlfriend."
Noah shakes her head with a small smile, trying to hide her excitement to see Jess. They walk out to the car and make their way to the Finch household. Noah's leg bounces the whole way there and Emily would have been blind not to notice.
Once they pull into the driveway, Emily tells her daughter that she will wait in the car. She knows that her daughter deserves to have some moments alone. Seeing Jess in a fancy dress and all put together is one of them.
Noah walks up to the front door and takes a deep breath. She holds her hand up to knock and patiently waits for Jess to come out. When the door swings open, Noah looks up and feels her mouth drop as words get stuck in her throat.
Jess appears in a long, flowing white dress with blue floral details. There is a split down the skirt where her leg shows right up to her upper thigh. The top of the dress is corset style and has sleeves with frilly pieces of fabric. Noah is surprised to see how exposed the blonde's chest is and how she seems unafraid to show it.
"Wow," Noah mutters. "You look beautiful."
"Thank you," Jess shyly replies and walks up to Noah, kissing her cheek lightly so as not to get her lipstick on Noah's cheek. "I have something for you!" She exclaims as she reaches over to the table next to the front door and grabs something.
Jess stands in front of Noah and straightens out her suit. She gently reaches her hands up to pin something on the left lapel of her jacket. Noah peers down and realizes that it is a blue rose pin that matches Jess' dress.
"Isn't this backward?" Noah says with a smile.
"What do you mean?"
"Aren't I supposed to be giving you the corsage?" Noah asks.
"Why would that be?"
"Well, I am the one in the suit," Noah laughs.
"And you look very handsome," Jess giggles as she caresses Noah's cheek. "If it's backward, then why didn't you get me one?"
"Who said I didn't?" Noah asks as she pulls out a clear box from behind her back. She opens the plastic and takes the blue rose corsage out. "I guess great minds think alike."
"I guess so," Jess beams as she holds her hand out for Noah to put the corsage on her wrist.
"Ready?" Noah asks.
"You have no idea," The blonde chimes. "Mom!"
"Coming!" Josephine exclaims as she rushes down the stairs, dressed up herself. She follows the two girls out to the car and waves to Emily.
Noah and Jess sit in the backseat while Josephine sits in the front passenger seat. The two mothers decided it would be a perfect night to have dinner and catch up. Emily is secretly nervous, but she is able to hide it well. She has never been one to talk about her personal life with others, so she is preparing herself to branch out.
"You two look so cute!" Josephine says. "We have to get pictures."
"Mom, I told you that they're doing pictures at the school," Jess says as her cheeks heat up.
"You don't want everyone to see you getting your picture taken by the moms?" Josephine replies, winding Jess up.
"Not really," Jess agrees.
"I second that," Noah adds. "Sorry, Ms. Finch."
"I guess the pictures from the school will have to do," Josephine gives in. "Can you at least promise to get good ones on your phones as well?"
"We promise," Jess chuckles.
Josephine looks over at Emily, who rolls her eyes with a smile. "I tried to get the same thing out of her. You just have to let it go."
"Clearly," The older blonde says, side-eyeing her daughter in the back. "At least we can get a nice dinner out of this."
Noah and Jees give each other a knowing look before holding back laughs. The rest of the ride consists of two different conversations between the mothers and teens. Jess and Noah talk about who they think Liv is bringing to the dance, if they think Ava will be nice to them—seeing as she is Parker's date—or if she will drag Parker away, and how good the gym will look with all the decorations.
When they arrive, Noah gets out of the car and goes to Emily's window. The mother rolls it down and leans her head out, letting Noah kiss her cheek. The teen waves her mother off and goes to the other side of the car to open Jess' door for her. She holds her hand out and lets the blonde balance herself before stepping out.
They say their last goodbyes to their mothers before turning and rushing inside. Weeks of anticipation have led them to this moment. Noah is just excited to have a night with Jess where they can dance under the lights.
The two walk towards the gymnasium, admiring the decorations down the hallway. The theme this year is Enchanted Forest, so there is a bunch of fake greenery on the walls and lanterns lighting the way inside. There are tables in the back of the gym with white tablecloths and fake candles with floral arrangements as the centerpieces. There are fairy lights hung across the gym, lighting up the entire room. At the front is a DJ stand with yellow, blue, and green lights going off to the beat of the loud music.
"I see Tate!" Jess exclaims as she points to him sitting at one of the tables with his date.
"I'll get us some drinks," Noah says as she walks towards the concession table, but Jess grabs her arm.
"Hey," Jess pouts. "I know we're gonna be with the group, but I want this night to be about us. I wanna be with you."
Noah smiles before replying. "My apologies. Would you like to grab a drink with me, Chess?"
"Yes, I would, Seattle," Jess says, putting on her proper voice to mock Noah. "Lead the way," She adds as she grabs the crook of Noah's arm.
Noah walks them over to the drinks and pours them each a cup of juice. Noah thinks about her brother, remembering when he told her he was once responsible for spiking his school dance's punch. She silently hopes someone has done it, but it might be too early in the night for that.
"Okay, we can sit for like ten minutes, but I'm making you dance tonight and you're not getting out of it," Jess says as they walk over to the table.
"I told you I would dance," Noah says. "You've seen me dance."
"Not willingly," Jess giggles.
"Whatever," Noah chuckles as they find their seats beside Tate and his date. "Hey, T."
"Hey, Seattle," Tate chimes. "This is Casey. Casey, this is Noah and Jess."
"The famous Noah and Jess," Casey chimes as she smiles widely at the two. "He talks about you guys all the time—"
"She means I talk about our friend group all the time," Tate covers for himself, making the three girls laugh.
"It's okay, we know we're your favorites out of the group," Noah says as she pats his shoulder.
"Good luck telling Ronan that," Tate jokes.
"You were in Spanish last semester. With Mr. Harris, right?" Noah asks the girl.
"Yeah!" Casey says. "I knew I recognized you from somewhere. I hated that class. I almost failed."
"Wish we could've met sooner, I could've helped," Noah replies.
"Yeah, didn't he ask you to join the Honor Society?" Casey asks.
"Is that true?" Jess asks, intervening in their conversation.
"Uh, yeah," Noah says. "I just wanted to focus on science, though."
"You never told me that," The blonde mutters so the rest of the table would not hear.
"I didn't tell anyone," Noah tells her. "I didn't wanna do it."
Jess admires Noah's side profile as she turns to talk to Casey again. She smiles to herself, knowing that Noah will continue to surprise her for as long as they are together. Not a day goes by that she does not learn something new about her. It is one of the things she admires about their relationship. They are never bored because something exciting is always around the corner.
"Ready to dance?" Noah asks as she turns to look at Jess. "What?" She adds as she realizes the blonde is staring at her. "Are you upset that I didn't tell you about the Spanish Honor Society? I just didn't want anyone to pressure me into doing it. Not that I thought you'd do that, I just—"
"No, I'm not upset," Jess calmly replies. "I just really like you."
"What?"
"I really like you," The blonde repeats.
"I really like you too," Noah giggles. "But you might not like me that much after you see me dancing. Because I promised I'd go all out for you."
"It'll be hard to watch, but I don't think it'll turn me away," Jess laughs as she stands, grabbing Noah's hand and yanking her to the dance floor.
Noah starts to move her body to the music. When she is alone in her room, she loves to dance. It takes the weight off her shoulders and relaxes her. She uses that same motivation to move and sees Jess dancing like no one's watching. She has always admired that Jess never minds what other people think. She is just herself and that will always be enough for Noah.
The two dance to a few songs, laughing the whole way through it. They forgot people were around them, Jess even bumping into a few people here and there, but they would only laugh it off and move to a different place on the dance floor.
Noah grabs Jess' hands and moves with her until they lock into each other's moves. Suddenly, Noah feels Jess come to a standstill as she looks behind her shoulder. Jess lets out a gasp, making Noah turn around, her eyes widening at the sight.
Walking into the gym is Liv in the dress that the three of them chose together. Her hair is out of its usual ponytail and fashioned into classy, relaxed curls. Noah sees parts of her that she has never had the chance to see before. And holding the redhead's hand on his arm is Ronan.
"Huh," Noah tuts. "Didn't see that coming."
"I can't wait to hear how that happened," Jess says. Noah peers over at the blonde before they both fall into a pit of giggles. "It's not like we didn't do the same thing, though."
"True," Noah chuckles. "C'mon, let's sit down with everyone."
"Okay," Jess says.
The two make their way to the table. Parker is now sitting there with Ave sitting in between him and Casey. The two girls know each other from the cheer team. Noah and Jess greet Parker, but Jess sends awkward glances to Ava while Noah and her exchange daggers. Before anyone can say anything, Liv and Ronan come up and the whole group turns to them.
"Wait—" Parker says as he assesses the situation. "You two?!"
"Surprise," Liv says nervously.
"You look amazing!" Jess exclaims and hugs the redhead tightly. "And the corsage is gorgeous, did he get this for you?"
"Yeah, shockingly," Liv chuckles.
"You look good," Noah says, giving Liv a hug as well, whispering to her when they lean into one another. "If he hurts you, I'll kill him."
"He'll have to deal with both of our tempers then," Liv mumbles back, making the both of them laugh.
"I'm gonna get drinks, anyone want one?" Parker asks as he stands, seeing a few of them raise their hands to get them a drink.
Noah watches him walk away and leans down to talk in Jess' ear. "I'm gonna help him. I'll be right back," She says before kissing the blonde's cheek.
"Okay, be quick, please, babe," Jess quietly pleads, making Noah nod before walking away.
"Hey," Noah says as she walks up to the boy.
"Hey," Parker says without looking at her. "Having fun?"
"Yeah, are you?" Noah asks. The boy turns to look at her for the first time and smiles.
"Yeah," He simply replies.
"You brought Ava," Noah notes.
"Alright, c'mon," Parker says, putting the drinks down and fully facing the girl. "I expected it, so give it to me. Tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't have brought her and be mad at me."
"I'm not mad," Noah shrugs. "I'm just making a statement."
"Right," Parker says, not feeling assured as he watches her take a sip from her cup. "Well, I brought her, but I was wondering if you would still save me a dance?"
"What?" Noah asks, almost choking on her drink.
"You know, the thing where two people go to the dance floor and dance to a song—"
"Parker, I can't dance with you," Noah mutters as she shakes her head.
"Why not?" Parker questions her, clearly offended.
"Because I have someone," Noah tells him.
"It's not like that," Parker insists.
"I know, but we have a history that I can't erase. And even if I could, I don't think I'd want to. You taught me a lot of things and I'll always remember that and we'll always be friends, but I can't send the wrong message," Noah explains to him. She never wants Jess to fear for their relationship and lose faith in their trust again.
"Yeah," The boy frowns.
"Do you really like Ava?" Noah asks.
"I don't know," Parker shrugs.
"You deserve someone who gets you. And if that's her, then great, I support you. But I know her and I know you. I think you can do better," Noah tells him, but sees that he is doubting it.
"You think?"
"Yeah. But it's up to you," Noah replies.
Parker peers around the room, but his eyes stop on one person in particular. "What do you think about Kiera?"
"Kiera's nice," Noah says as she turns around, seeing the girl in a flowing, red dress. "What do you think about Kiera?"
"She's pretty," Parker says. "She comes to all the games and knows the rules, she's smart, and she remembered something I told her about me from eighth grade. I don't know, that sounds better to me."
"Need me to put in a good word?"
"Uh, no," Parker says, surprising himself because he would usually never pass up the offer. "Actually, I think I should do this on my own."
"Good start," Noah chimes and turns to walk away, but stops herself to look at him again. "And please don't do this tonight. Ava can be bitchy, but no girl deserves to be broken up with at the school dance she's been looking forward to for weeks."
"Right," Parker agrees with a nod. "Good call."
"See you around?" Noah asks as she slowly walks backward.
"See ya," Parker says and lets her go.
Noah returns to Jess, who peers up at her with a smile as she realizes Noah is next to her again.
"What was that about?" Jess asks as she nods towards Parker walking back to Ava.
"Just catching up," Noah replies and intertwines her fingers with Jess'. "Nothing to worry about. I promise."
"Okay," Jess nods with a smile. "Can we dance?"
"Of course."
Noah brings the blonde to the dance floor and sways their bodies to the music. Jess' smile grows bigger by the second, not being able to contain her happiness. If she could, she would spend forever dancing the night away with Noah.
"Hello!" A bubbly voice shouts over the music. Jess and Noah turn to see Brittany with a wide smile and her arms open to embrace them. Clay stands behind her with a grin that widens as he watches the three girls hug.
"Where have you been all night?" Noah asks.
"Spiking the punch!" Clay says.
"You sure you wanna shout that? Maybe you could say it just a little louder!" Noah chuckles, making him laugh.
"You guys having fun?" Britanny asks.
"Yeah!" Jess exclaims as she wraps her hand around Noah's arm.
"Too much fun that you won't come to Antonio's with us?" Brittany says with a pout, pleading for the two girls to join them.
"Uh, never!" Noah chimes at the sound of the plans but turns to Jess with a fretful expression. "As long as that's okay with you, J. Whatever you wanna do."
"Yeah, let's go," Jess agrees and watches the other three cheer. The blonde giggles and grabs Noah's hand as they follow the couple off the dance floor. "We should say bye to everyone."
"Okay," Noah agrees, telling Brittany and Clay to meet them outside.
Noah and Jess walk over to the table, seeing Liv and Ronan talking, Tate and Casey taking selfies on their phones, and Parker talking to Keira. Noah raises her brow at Parker, who shakes his head with a smile.
"We're leaving," Jess says with an exaggerated frown. "Have fun! We'll see you guys at school next week."
"Where are you two going?" Ronan asks.
"You leaving us to hook up," Tate teases.
"Under the bleachers or in an empty classroom?" Ronan questions, following Tate's lead.
"Maybe even back at one of your places?" Tate says.
"Scandalous," Liv adds with a giggle.
"No, no, and no," Noah chuckles. "We're going to get food. I think we danced a little too much."
"We'll see you guys next week," Tate says, giving Noah a fist bump and Jess a side hug.
"Bye!" Noah waves everyone else off. "It was nice meeting you!" She adds, waving to Casey in particular.
Jess takes Noah's hand and leads them out of the gym. She skips down the hallway, pulling Noah's hand to make her keep up. They walk outside and see that Clay pulled the car around for them. They hop in and hear that the loud music from inside is continuing in the car with Brittany's playlist. Noah and Jess share the middle seat, still tightly holding each other's hands.
"I'm glad you had fun," Jess says in Noah's ear. "I was scared it wasn't gonna be your thing."
"It's not usually, but I think it is now," Noah replies. "As long as you're there, then I have fun."
"I wish we could do that every night," Jess giggles.
"Me too," Noah replies.
The blonde peers into Noah's blue eyes and smiles. She starts obnoxiously singing along to the song blasting through the speakers. Noah intently watches Jess sing and dance in her seat. Noah cannot help but smile and think about how content she is at this moment. She has never been more enamored with anyone than she is with Jess.
"Can I ask you something?" Noah asks, making the blonde stop singing and lean into Noah's lips. "I want to call you my girlfriend. Is that okay?"
"What?" Jess asks, not sure if she was dreaming or not.
At that moment, Clay pulls into the drive-thru and turns down the music. Noah stares into Jess' eyes and smiles. "You heard me."
Jess tries to hide the smile that is begging to erupt through her lips. She opens her mouth to speak, but the only thing that she can do is grin. She nods lightly and watches Noah's smirk grow as well.
"Okay," Noah says.
"Chocolate or strawberry?" Britanny says, bursting their backseat bubble. "You know I'm indecisive."
"Chocolate," Noah answers as she leans into the front seat. "And I'll have strawberry and Jess will have banana."
"You got it," Clay replies as they roll up to the ordering machine.
"Was that right?" Noah asks the blonde.
"Yeah, it was," Jess answers with a smile, wrapping her hand around Noah's arm. "Girlfriend," She sings and kisses Noah's cheek.
"I like it," Noah whispers with a smirk.
"Me too."