Dot: You awake?
Bud: Yes. Shouldn't you be fantasizing right now?
Dot: I'm trying not to do that anymore.
Bud: Happy to be your cold shower anytime.
Dot: You're not my cold shower, Bud. And you know it.
Bud: I know nothing.
Dot: They both got to me today.
Bud: Who did?
Dot: Joshua and Ali.
Bud: At the same time?!
Dot: No. I got to have my ass kicked twice in one day.
Bud: I'm too tired to do emojis. But they're angry. And vengeful. And poop.
Dot: 😊
Bud: How are you feeling?
Dot: Angry. Vengeful. Poop.
Bud: Pancakes or Dirty Dancing?
Dot: Both.
Bud: You got it. I can reserve "the theater" for us tomorrow night.
Dot: Seriously? You want me back at your house?
Bud: My mom really likes you.
Dot: Is she the only one?
Bud: uhhhhh....
Dot: I heard what you've been doing for Tom and Marcus.
Bud: I don't know what you're talking about.
Dot: Bud?
Bud: zzzzzz
Dot: Dorothea?
Bud: That's classified.
Dot: Okay. See you tomorrow.
Bud: Sweet dreams.
Dot: You too.
Bud: ❤️
* * * * *
"We could have avoided all this if I was at your house when Josh showed up all sad, wet dog style on your doorstep," Bud says, pouring syrup over his pancakes.
"What difference would that have made?" I ask. "Then we'd be dealing with the awkwardness that comes after a three-way."
"Wow. That's not what I meant," he says, blushing like a madman. "And you don't know it would be awkward. Maybe it would bring the three of us closer together."
"New topic, please," I say with my mouthful.
"I didn't choose the three-way topic." He smiles. "You did. I was trying to say I could've helped you guys, like, figure out where your heads and hearts were. Like a love mediator. So, you wouldn't just be thinking with your dicks."
"I don't have a dick."
"Yeah, you do."
I laugh. "It's okay, Bud. Joshua and I are adults. We had every opportunity to act like it."
"You're not adults," he says. "None of us are. We're just kids trying to do adult things. That's high school. And I still think I could have helped. I feel like I let you down."
"How is any of this on you? It's not like I didn't have a chance to tell him how I feel. I did. I just didn't take it. That's on me."
"But I promised I'd help you get him. That's what I was supposed to be doing all this time, but I got distracted. It was just... really fun hanging out with you. I got selfish, and now everything sucks again. And that's on me."
He pokes his fork at his untouched pancakes and rests his head in his hand. He feels bad. I don't want him to feel that way. Not for my sake.
"Bud?"
"Yeah."
"I got distracted, too."
He looks up to see if I'm kidding. Of course, I'm not, but he looks down again, as if he doesn't deserve whatever praise I'm about to dish out. He's going to hear it anyway.
"It was fun hanging out. And there were days--whole entire days--when I didn't think about Joshua at all. Or about what I didn't have that I thought I needed. Because when I was spending time with you, I didn't need those things. I was happy. And maybe what I really needed the last few months was a distraction. And you kinda nailed that for me."
The corners of his mouth curve into a bashful smile, and he takes a bite of pancake to hide it. His cheeks are giving him away. Pink as anything.
He finishes chewing and sets his fork down on his plate. His brow furrows as he looks at me. "But you still want him, right?"
"Damn it, Bud!" I shout. "Who gives a shit what I want!?"
He laughs at my outburst, turning his head to see who else in the diner is now focused on our discussion, thanks to me.
"What do you want?" I ask. "You need to think about yourself for once."
"Um..." His cheeks are scarlet red now, but he's smiling.
"I mean it, Bud. What do you want? More than anything. What's going to make you happy right now?"
He bites his bottom lip and sucks in a breath.
"Bud?" I say more calmly, worried I'm scaring him with my bossiness. "One thing that will make you happy. Let's hear it. No shame. It's me for fuck's sake. I'm the queen of embarrassing secrets over here."
"Okay," he says, wringing his hands. "I want to take you to the spring formal."
I'm being hugged but no one is touching me. And I have two heartbeats. His and mine.
"Yes," I say.
"Really?"
"Hell yes."
"And I want to take you out to dinner first," he says eagerly. "Not pancakes. Real dinner."
"Yep."
"And you have to let me pay for you."
"Ehh...?"
"Because you're going to spend your money on a killer dress and whatever else you need to feel like a million dollars that night."
I smile. "Deal."
"And I want to dance with you," he says. "Every dance. I'm a really good dancer and I want to dance with you all night. Can we do that, too? I promise that's the last thing."
"I'm in, Bud." I slam my fist on the table for emphasis. "For all of it. And whatever else you come up with in the meantime."
"I think that's it." He grins. "For now."
His cheeks might be permanently stained pink. And mine are aching from smiling at him. He dives into his pancakes while I wait patiently to hug him - for real.
I have no idea what's happening with me and Bud. Sometimes I think he has a huge crush on me, and I'm leading him on. Or I'm using him to fill a void in my heart where Joshua should be. But maybe Joshua shouldn't be there. Because he hasn't earned it. But Bud has. Bud has worked his ass off for it.
As we're leaving the diner, I stop him at the entrance and wrap him in a long, deep hug which makes him laugh into the top of my head. His soft belly presses against me, and his warm arms wrap around my back, and I can't wait to dance with him. Every dance. All night.
Because who cares what I want, really? I don't think I even do anymore.
This is what I need. Just this. Just him.
For now.
* * * * *