Linsley
I am lying on my bed, half asleep, trying to figure out what to wear.
I have been like this for at least 30 minutes. Sleeping late in the morning is hard when you live in a madhouse.
Suddenly, Hailey burst into my room. She is holding a pretty skirt.
"I need help, it's an emergency," she insists. I sit on my bed, still half-asleep, and ask what the problem is.
"Do you think this skirt will look good on me?" She asks. I look at her blankly. We need to review the terms of emergency.
"Why are you asking me this, go ask Alex's opinion," I answer.
"Oh, come on, we all know Alex has no taste in clothes. You're the only person in this house who knows how to dress up." She states. I look at her and groan.
"You know I'm only thirteen, right?" I question her, giving her a hint that I didn't care about her clothing problem.
"But I guess, if you're asking me, then I think this skirt would look good on you. Not that mom would let you wear it." I remark.
"Thanks, Lin," she says before starting to look around in my closet.
"No problem, what are you doing exactly?" I question, not understanding what she was doing. Not that I usually understand her.
"I am repaying you for helping me, which means I am helping you find an outfit," She takes something out of my closet and throws it on my bed.
"Here you go, now go change," She orders me. I thank her and go to the bathroom to change my clothes.
A few moments later
I leave the bathroom and go to my bedroom to put away my pajamas.
"Kids breakfast," Mom yells from downstairs. Waiting for us to come down. But I chose to ignore her, like the rest of my siblings.
"KIDS" she yells again.
"KIDS" she yells another time. I decide to finally leave my room and head downstairs.
"Kids, get down here," Dad shouts.
"Why are you yelling at us when we're way upstairs? Just text me," says Haley, who arrived just before me.
"All right that's not gonna happen and, wow, you're not wearing that outfit." Mom rejects.
"Told you," I say, sitting on a barstool.
"What's wrong with it?" Haley asks acting stupid.
"Honey, do you have anything to say to your daughter about her skirt?" Mom asks Dad.
"Sorry, oh yeah, it looks really cute, sweetheart,"
"Linsley?" Mom asks desperately, handing me some scrambled eggs.
"I think it looks really good on her."
Haley smiles at me and Dad "Thanks" she says, taking a seat at the table.
Mom disapproves, "No, it's way too short. People know you're a girl, you don't need to prove it to them." She says, side-eyeing her outfit.
Alex then walks into the kitchen. "Luke got his head stuck in the banister again," Alex states.
"Again, how many times has he done this?" I ask trying to remember.
"I don't know, but I got it, where's the baby oil?" Dad asks.
"It's in our bedside t-... I don't know. Find it," Mom stutters.
I look at her weirdly. Why would she have baby oil on her nightstand? Mom turns around and runs into the refrigerator door.
I let out a small chuckle, but I stop myself immediately when she glares at me.
Interview
"I was out of control growing up. There, you know, I said it," Claire confesses. Phil and Claire snicker. "I just don't want my kids to make the same bad mistakes I made," Claire explains.
"If Hailey, or even Linsley for that matter, never wake up on a beach in Florida half-naked, I've done my job," Claire says, nodding her head as if she was unsure.
"Our job," Phil mumbles. "Right... I've done our job," Claire says.
Linsley
I'm helping Dad get Luke free by holding the baby oil for him.
"Buddy, why do you keep getting stuck like this?" Dad says, applying the baby oil to his head.
"I thought I could get out this time," Luke admits. Alex walks downstairs "I'm just gonna say it he needs to get checked by a specialist," she says as she passes us.
"Ow-Owwww," Luke cries. "There. Be free. Excalibur," Dad says.
"I'm having a boy today," says Haley quickly, going upstairs.
"Who?" Mom asks.
"Umm, you don't know him," She replies uncomfortably.
"Him? Him?" Mom asks freaked.
"Oooh a boy you gonna kiss him," Luke jokes and pretends to kiss someone. "Shut up", "No you shut up", "Luke shut up".
"Easy, easy," Dad says, trying to calm everyone down.
"Luke, Linsley, Alex why don't you take it outside, okay?" Mom proposed. "And do what?" Alex asks annoyed.
"Fight in the sun, it'll be a nice change," Dad jokes. Alex groans. "Come on let's go play on the trampoline," I suggest.
"Yeah," says Luke enthusiastically. "Really, what are you 7?" Alex asks mockingly. "What are you 40?" I reply sassily.
"Okay, sure, let's go," Alex says desperately. I, Alex, and Luke make our way to the trampoline.
1 hour later
"I'm bored," I say, lying on the trampoline. We have been running out of things to do for the last 15 minutes or so.
"Let's play basketball," Luke proposes. "We already played basketball," Alex answered.
"Okay, what about poison ball?" Luke tries again. "You know, Mom has forbidden us to play this game," I answer still lying on the trampoline.
Interview
"Let's just say that when me and my siblings are playing a game, we tend to get overwhelmed and competitive," Linlsey says.
"And it never ends well," she confesses.
"The last time we played poison ball, Haley ended up with a nosebleed and Luke with a broken tooth," she adds cringing.
Linsley
I get up and say, "Hey, I have a great idea of what we could do."
"What?" Alex and Luke say simultaneously with hope, sitting on the trampoline. "We could try Luke's new BB gun that Dad bought him," I suggest, proud of myself.
"No, that's a bad idea," Alex says shaking her head.
"Why?" I ask disappointed. "Because it's too dangerous," She explains.
"Pfff party pooper," Luke complained. "Please, I promise we'll be careful" I begged her.
"You guys are so annoying," Alex says finally cracking. "Yeah! Thanks, Alex," Luke and I say at the same time. Luke goes to his room to get his gun.
Alex and I leave the trampoline and wait for Luke to return. "Hey, I got it!" Luke shouts to get our attention, "Awesome, come on, let's try it," I say.
Luke tries to load his gun but can't. "I can't do it; can someone help me please?" Luke asks.
"You have to pull the slide back," I tell him. Luke tries but presses the wrong button and fires a bullet that hits Alex's arm.
After that, Alex runs into the kitchen screaming. "MOM! DAD!" she says as she holds the arm that Luke shot.
Mom rushes into the living room, holding a laundry bag. "What happened?" Claire asks concerned. "Luke shot Alex," I blame.
"I didn't mean to!" says Luke, trying to defend himself. "Are you okay?" Mom asks, worried about Alex. "No, the little bitch shot me!" Alex says, causing me and Dad to laugh.
"Language!" Mom scolds. "They're only plastic BBs. It was an accident," Luke justified. Mom looks at Dad and sighs.
"What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this," she says annoyed. "Buddy, uncool," Dad says giving Luke the finger.
"That's it? That- No, no, no, no. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him," Mom reminded. "We were serious about that?" Dad asks.
"Yes, we were, and now you have to follow through," Mom mumbled to Dad.
Luke starts fake crying, "I'm so sorry!". "Liar," Mom says harshly. Luke immediately stops.
"Go," Mom orders Dad. "But he's got a birthday party," he protests.
"What's more important here, Dad?" Alex questions. "Yeah, Dad, what are your priorities?" I sneakily say, but he shoots me a glare.
"You can shoot him afterward. He'll be home at 2:00," Mom starts planning, only to have Dad reject the idea. "I can't shoot him at 2:00, I'm showing a house at 2:00," Dad says.
"What about 3:00?" Alex suggests. "No, he got a soccer game at 3:00," Mom says.
"And I got dancing at 3:00," I say, wanting to be there for Luke's punishment.
"Oh, and we also have to leave for that dinner thing at 5:00," Mom says, checking the calendar. "4:15, you can shoot him at 4:15" Mom suggests.
"Yeah, I guess that works for me," Dad says. Everyone approaches to get a closer look at the calendar.
"Shoot Luke," Mom says, writing it down on the calendar before Luke lets out a whine.
"Sorry, Dude, it's on the calendar," Dad comforts, ruffling his hair.
2h45 in the afternoon
"LINSLEY, LUKE," Mom shouts from downstairs. "Get down here, or you'll be late for your dancing class and soccer game."
"I don't know where my ballet slippers are!" I say, running down the stairs. "You left them in the living room last time," Mom tells me.
"LUKE," Mom screams again. "Yeah, yeah, I'm here," Luke finally says.
"FOUND IT," I yell, eventually finding my slippers. "Good, now get out of here, Chloe and her mom are waiting for you outside in the car," Mom says, urging me to leave.
I put my shoes on and grab my bag. "See you later, I'm going," I announce. "Wait, are you sure you have everything?" Mom asks, not sure if I have all my stuff.
I nod my head. "Okay, see you later sweetheart," Mom says, kissing me.
I leave the house and get into the car. "Hi, Linsley," Chloe and her mom say at the same time.
"Hi," I answer, putting my seatbelt on. "How was your day," Chloe's mom asks me. "It was nice," I answer.
I talk with Chloe about school for the rest of the car ride. "Hey, did you know that Jackson has a crush on you," Chloe tells me.
"Really?!" I ask in disbelief. "Yeah, I'm not joking, everyone in 8th grade knows that," Chloe assures me.
"Oh man, I don't want to be his girlfriend, the guy creeps me out," I explain to Chloe.
"I guess so, but you're still lucky," Chloe says. "If you say so", I tell her, not convinced at all. Her mom, driving the car, chuckles at our conversation.
A few moments later, we arrived at the studio. "Here you go girls, have a nice practice," Chloe's mom tells us.
Interview
"I always loved ballet, I started when I was 5, and I continued since then," Linsley says.
"When I'm in high school, I'd like to become a cheerleader like my dad," She declares.
"But don't tell him I said that he might just start dancing to High School Musical if you do," she says awkwardly.
"And nobody wants to go through this again," she adds.
Linsley
"I'm back," I call out as I enter the house. "Hi, honey, how did ballet go?" Dad asks me, entering the hallway.
I put my bag away. "It was great, the teacher told me there's a chance I might be able to be one of the lead characters in the next ballet recital," I say, proud of myself.
"That's great sweetheart," Dad cheered. "Hey, wanna go see Luke get shot?" He asks mischievously. "Is this even a question?" I smirk.
I go into the backyard with Dad following close behind, and I see Luke wearing one jacket, three hats, scuba goggles, and at least five underwear.
"Wow, is there a snowstorm in the forecast, or did you just win a bet to see how many layers you could wear at once?" I joke.
"That's not funny," Luke complains.
"Buddy, what are you wearing?" Dad asks. "Nothing," he replies. "Hey, that's cheating," I point out.
"Uh, no jacket, one hat, and how many pairs of underwear do you have on?" Dad questions. "One," he answers, he looks at Dad and sighs. "Six."
Luke takes off his hat and jacket, "I want you to know, I'm not enjoying this. But this is an important lesson that you are learning. So, soak it, keep it," Dad says, clearing his throat and pointing the gun in his direction.
"You're too close, it's gonna hurt," Luke whines. "That's the point," I say.
Dad starts to smile out of nowhere. "Why are you smiling?" Luke asks suspiciously. "I'm... what?" Dad exclaims, shock.
Dad crouches down and tries to shoot Luke. "Oh, forget it. I can't do it," he sighs. "What?" I say, in disbelief, really wanting to see this. "The point is you're scared. I think you learned your lesson," Dad explains.
"Come on, seriously?" I say, taking the gun from Dad's hand. Just as I took it, a bullet fired and hit Luke's arm.
"Ow," Luke cries. "You hit my bone," he whines. "I'm sorry, it was an accident," I say remorsefully, giving the gun to Dad.
"You were my favorite sister," Luke says. "I am your favorite sister!" I assure him.
"Dad, dad, dad, you have got to talk to mom," Haley says, as she steps onto the balcony. "She is like completely freaking out and embarrassing me," she continues.
"Well honey, your mom isn't always as cool about things as I-"Before he can finish his sentence, a bullet fires out again, but this time hitting Dylan, who was standing beside Haley on the balcony. He yells and falls.
"What is with this thing?!" Dad exclaims. He throws the gun down and kicks it, only to have it fire again, hitting his leg. "OW," He shouts.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS FAMILY?" I also scream, before going into the house.
A few hours later
I ring the doorbell of Uncle Mitch and Cam's house. Uncle Mitchell opens the door a few seconds later. "Hey," everyone says.
"Hi, how are you?" he says, hugging Mom. "Hi, Uncle Mitch," I say. "Hey Lin, how was ballet?" He asks. "It was cool," I answer.
I go sit on the couch with Haley, Luke, and Alex while my uncle is thanking Mom and Dad for the cake and the wine.
"Knock, knock, we're here coming in," I hear someone yell. "Don't worry Dad, nothing gay going on here," Uncle Mitch says. Grandpa walks in with Manny and Gloria.
"May I take your multi-colored coat and bejeweled cap?" Uncle Mitch offers, looking at Grandpa's outfit. "Yeah..." Grandpa mumbles.
Everyone greets each other. "Hi Grandpa," I say. "Hey, kiddo," He replies.
I scan his outfit and joke, "Whoa, did you get dressed in the dark, or are you just trying to give Lady Gaga a run for her money in the fashion department?". "Always being sarcastic, aren't you?" He chuckles, giving me a gentle slap on the head.
"So, how was your trip?" Grandpa asks, pouring himself a glass of wine. "It was good, it was good actually," says Uncle Mitchell, he looked stressed.
"About that, I have something to tell you guys," He announces, everyone sits down to hear what he has to say. "We didn't just go to Vietnam for pleasure. We kind of have some big news," He continues.
Grandpa groans. "Oh god, if Cam comes out here with boobs, I'm leaving," He declares, taking a sip from his drink. "Dad..." Mom sighs embarrassed.
"I hope he didn't embarrass you, Mom," says Haley annoyed, looking down at her phone. "Don't mind her, she had her first boy over today, and..." She pauses for a second. "Phil shot him," She finishes.
Uncle Mitch looks at Dad, confused. "Anyway, Um, so about a year ago, Cam and I started feeling this longing, you know, for something more like maybe a baby," Uncle Mitch says, changing the subject.
"Whoo, that's a bad idea," Grandpa says, not agreeing with the idea. Uncle Mitch turns to Grandpa.
"What do you mean bad idea?" He asks, confused. "Well, kids need a mother. I mean, if you two guys are bored, get a dog," Grandpa suggests.
"Okay, we're not bored Dad," Uncle Mitch scoffs, offended by this comment. "I support you, Mitchell, even though you're not my son," Gloria stated.
"I think what Dad is trying to say, is that you're a little uptight, kids bring chaos, and you don't handle it well," Mom explains, sharing the same opinion as Grandpa.
Uncle Mitchell tilts his head in disagreement. "That's not what Dad's saying. That's what you're saying, and it's insulting in a whole different way," he says.
"Okay, people, let's all chillax," Dad says, in an attempt to ease the tension. "Hey, where's Uncle Cameron?" I point out, realizing that I haven't seen him since we arrived.
Uncle Mitch points his finger at me. "Thank you, thank you," he says. "Someone who's not insulting me notices he's not here."
"Oh, that's the big announcement? You two broke up," Grandpa concludes. "A baby wasn't gonna help that anyway, and you know, let me tell you. You're a little better off because he was a bit of a drama queen," he says.
"No, no, stop, stop," Uncle Mitch interrupts Grandpa. "You come into my house and insult me and my boyfriend, and who by the way, is not that dramatic."
Before he can finish his sentence, the song The Circle of Life begins to play, and the lights go out. I look at Mom for an explanation, but she is as confused as I am.
Then Uncle Cam walks into the room wearing a robe and holding a baby in his arms.
"We adopted a baby, her name is Lily," Uncle Mitch announces, and everyone gasps. "Exciting!" Uncle Cam says.
"...Just turn it off," Uncle Mitch mumbles. "I can't turn it off, it's who I am!" Uncle Cam boomed. "The music," Uncle Mitch sighs.
"Oh, yes, the music," he says, turning it off. "Come say hi to Lily," he tells us.
Everyone gathers around her, except for Grandpa who's still in shock. "Hi Lily," I say, looking at her. She looks at me and smiles.
"Excuse me, okay I know that I said I thought it was a bad idea. But what do I know? I mean, it's not like I wrote the book of fatherhood, I've been trying all my life to get it right, and I'm still screwing up," Grandpa says.
"Right, Manny?" he asks, looking at him.
"I wrote a song about it in the car," Manny replies. "Of course you did, anyway, I'm happy for you and you should know that I'm not here to spit in your face, I'm here to blow at your back," Grandpa says.
"Huh?" I question, completely confused. "It's supposed to sound better in Spanish," he explains.
"Voy a ser la brisa en tu espalda, no quien te escupa en la frente." Gloria says. Everyone whispers a wow at how beautiful this sentence was.
"Anyhow, Mitch I'm sorry," Grandpa mutters. "No Dad it's okay," He reassures him.
Lily starts to cry. "Aww, she wants her daddy," Mom says handing the baby to Uncle Mitch.
"Do you want to meet Grandpa?" Uncle Mitch asks. "Are you kidding she's one of us now. Let me see that little potsticker," says Grandpa, moving towards Lily and Uncle Mitch.
"Hey, you're a cutie, aren't you?" He says, in a baby voice.
Haley and I hug each other and watch Grandpa bond with his new granddaughter. After that, we all take turns holding her.