^^this is NOT my artwork! I found it on Pinterest! Creds to the artist that did make this!
Let me tell you guys this..
THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST PROUDEST FEELINGS OPENING UP THIS APP TO THIS:
Also,
⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️
In this oneshot the following topics will be spoken about:
•Mental health
•Depression
•Being Suicidal
•Self Harm (etc: cutting, burning self, not eating)
•Eating Disorders/Poor Dieting
•Lying to Self
NOW!
Before I hear people say,
"This is not how ___ actually works! You're portraying it wrong bc you don't understand!"
People with mental disorders can experience them differently. If you reading this has or had experienced a topic I discussed in this story, you might've experienced it differently. Please don't attack me if I don't portray it on y/n as you would've liked because it's different for different people.
BTW:
This is a poetry/story MIX! I am including some of my poetry style in this! There will be free verse, rhyming schemes, etc.
This story is dedicated to:
Please enjoy the story!
y/n's pov:
Emptiness
Grazing through my bones
I want to be set free
But it never leaves me alone
I try hard to stop
I really really do
But I overhear the hate about me
And I continue to feel blue
The knife tucked in my drawer
Can only be known by me
And every night I do it again
I bleed, and bleed, and bleed
I thought I was liked in the spider society! I thought people only talked good about me! But I guess I was wrong.
Earlier that day-
Walking into the cafeteria, I pray hard no one's in there, but unlucky me! As always, Olivia, Bree, and Quinn were in there having their afternoon snack.
I guess I would call them the "Mean 3." They're all from different spider dimensions, but it's as if they've known each other for life.
I walk up to the vending machine. I didn't have lunch or breakfast today, so my stomach was starving. I figured I could snag a small snack on my new diet.
Yeah, taking a diet is hard, but I look at the Mean 3, then I look at myself. You can definitely tell they look hotter and skinnier at the waist, and that's exactly what I want!
People may say I need my protein, but whenever I want some greasy meat, I just picture a skinnier version of myself in a swimsuit.
And, it makes me happier.
It does.
This diet.. I'm enjoying it.
It's not like I want to go back to eating whatever I want..
Ugh, I need to get these bad thoughts out of my head! It's totally trying to stop me from my goal! And besides, I need to look hot for someone.
I know this might sound a little like a sixteen-year-old boy-crazy girl obsessing over her love, but I have the best boyfriend ever.
His name is Miguel O'Hara, and he's actually the leader of the Spider Society!
The thing about Miguel is that.. I haven't exactly told him about my new diet yet. I'm planning to tell him. In the summer. When I look stunning in a tiny bikini.
That day will come. And it's not like I feel guilty about not telling him. And I trust him. I know he won't care. Because I love this diet.
Lying to yourself doesn't make a difference
Everything is still there
And maybe even when you're long off dead
The ugliness will still be stuck in your head
You'll be lying in your grave
Or in a box dressed as ashes
No matter what you'll still hate how you look
And that's why you try to cut away
Cut away that fat skin!
Surely, that'll work right?
The scars are only temporary!
This whole process is very necessary!
After I purchase my small bag of peanuts I sit down at a the table in front of the Mean 3, but I don't realize it till I already sit down.
Why was I looking at my feet? I should've been alert! God, now I'm stuck next to these three.
Luckily I sit on the side where my back faces them, so it's not like I have to look at them.
Unlucky me, yet again. I get to overhear their conversation. Is it that hard to talk at a normal volume?
"Great. That girl is here again."
"What's her name?"
"I think it's y/n."
"She's so annoying."
"Exactly! I mean, do you see her around Miguel?"
"She's trying so hard with him."
"It's like she's always attached to him."
"Figures. I bet she's dated a lot of guys before and has never had a stable relationship."
"I hope Miguel dumps her."
"Nah, he's probably gonna stay with her because he feels bad for her."
"That's so sad."
"Also, have you noticed anything different about her?"
"What?"
"She's eating less!"
"Ew, is she trying to die or something?"
"I hope she does."
"Oh my god, you're so mean!"
*Obnoxious Laughing*
You think your jokes are funny;
That they're just innocent comments
But they're not
And you need to stop your torments
It hits harder than you think
It's always a punch in the gut
And I want to just die in a blink
And what makes you do this, just what?
I want to hide under the pillows and cry
I want to be far away where it's high and dry
I want to stop asking why
Screw it, I just want to die
I immediately stand up and run out of the cafeteria, leaving my peanuts behind.
I try to block out the whispers of, "What's her deal?" But they're loudly placed into my brain.
I run. I don't know where I'm running to, but I just run.
People comment and look around as if there was a problem or villain nearby due to the fact that I was running.
Tears stream down my face as I continue to pick up my speed. I run past Miguel's work area and think for a second that maybe I should go to him, but then again I'm too "attached" to him. Maybe he is done with me.
But then I'm pulled back by a web and was swung into a room.
"Ow!" I yelped, rubbing my head. The crying goes away as the new pain soaks in new feelings. Ay!" I heard a worried voice. A Miguel worried voice.
Miguel undid the web attached to me and looked at my head. "Sorry mi hermosa. If you weren't running so fast, your acceleration wouldn't have caused you to hit the wall so hard. Are you okay though?" he asked me.
"Yeah. I think I'm fine." "Good," Miguel smiles, kissing my head. His smile then fades, and he stands up straight.
He then turns around and walks away. "Miguel..?"
He then grabs something off of a table and walks back over to me. He opens the palm of his right hand, showing me what he was holding.
Oh no.
"I went to our shared room to get a piece of paper I needed. I couldn't find it anywhere. So I looked under the bed. I was rummaging through stuff, and I found this lying in a small box." He shows the lighter closer to me, holding it up and down with his fingers.
"Have you.. have you been burning yourself?" Miguel's face is flushed in hues of worryness.
"No.." I start, "I have it in case of emergencies. You never know when you'll need it."
"Y/n.. you're spider woman. You're telling me a lighter will be better for you than your own powers?" Miguel walks up closer to me.
"You've seemed.. different lately, and I'm worried." He then hugs me. And I cry. Again. I cry even harder. And it feels.. great?
For so long
I've been holding it in
But now I can tell someone
Could this be my win?
"Miguel.. I'm scared. I'm really really scared. I hate myself, but I don't. I've started this new diet, and I hate it! But I feel guilty when I think that."
"It's ok amor, it's ok. Let it all out. It seems like you've been holding it in for awhile? Why haven't you talked to me about it? I'm always here for you. And also, why would you start a diet? You're perfect the way you are." He says calmly, in a perfectly comforting way into my ear.
"It's these three girls.. they're.. they're the worst. They've made comments about my eating, my weight, you and me, everything! But it's not just them. It's my own thoughts too. Oh and the scars. They've started this too."
I roll up my sweatshirt sleeves, take off my hair ties on my wrists, and roll up my shorts. And Miguel's eyes widen in fear. "You've.. you've been doing this?" I cry even harder. "Yes."
Miguel brushes his finger over the scar on my wrist. It's been hiding under my favorite hair tie for what feels like forever.
Miguel then bites his lip, trying to hold in his tears. "I can't believe people were so mean they made a person do this. No one should ever make someone go through this."
I nod in agreement, and we share another hug. Miguel hugs me as if I was about to leave on a trip for life off of planet Earth.
"Y/n, I love you so so much, and it's going to be okay. We're going to get through this. I'm always standing at your side. No matter what."
"Thank you Miguel. You don't know how hard it's been." We then share a kiss, and after we part Miguel calls Lyla and tells her to deal with the Mean 3. They'll no longer be apart of the Spider Society or be spider women.
Later, Miguel and I also through out my hidden knife and lighter. We talk about setting me up a therapy session with the Spider-Man therapist (LOVE HIM!). And I realize, it is going to be okay.
Even when I was at my low
You were there
Even thought I didn't know that
You were going to help me stop all the pare
You know now
And I'm glad I let it out
I had it all bottled up, about to explode
But you were the one who helped me unload
It's scary
It's frightful
But now it's beautiful
Because
It's
Going
To
Be
Okay
I'm glad I'm now aware
Because the lying to myself wasn't pleasant
I'm glad you're there
I'm just now..
Glad.
⚠️BEFORE I END THE STORY PLEASE READ:⚠️
Everything that was discussed in this book is very, very serious. Hurting yourself is not okay. You might think the cutting isn't that bad, but if you cut too deep you'll hurt yourself in ways you won't even imagine. If you feel like you need to talk to someone, find someone you can trust. If you don't think there's someone out there, talk to me! In fact, writing in a journal or diary is a way to talk! I love just pouring all my feelings out onto the pages of my diary! But I am super serious though. Being suicidal is scary. You might want to end it now, but one day you might not. Please please please look into ways of helping yourself. Therapy is a great option! People may say therapy sucks, but I honestly love it! I did try out different places, and I didn't love them all, but right now, I love my therapist!
And honestly, no matter how cliché this sounds,
It will be okay.
Trust me.
People only make fun of someone because they're hurting on the inside.
Don't give bullies the satisfaction.
Talk to a trusted adult if you think you're being bullied, or talk to a trusted friend to help you figure it out, or confront the bully yourself.
Please don't do things you'll easily regret.
Plus, lying to yourself is scary too. Lying is so easy, and we can make ourselves think lies. Don't lie to your own self. If you can't be true to your own self, then who can you be true to?
Anyways, I love you all so much.
—————
Thanks for reading. It was honestly kind of hard to write this, but I like it!
CURRENTLY: UNEDITED
word count: 2076