APRIL, 2009
Phil
It had been a couple of minutes, Jamie and I getting louder and angrier as we both insisted on our points, but as our argument started reaching its high point, I realized all of a sudden that Dan was no longer where we'd left him, leaning against the door and looking numbly off into space. I feel a wave of worry wash over me and even Jamie falters when he sees the look of panic on my face.
"Phil?"
"Dan. Where's Dan?"
"Huh?"
"We need to go find Dan, right now."
"What? Why...." Jamie starts speaking, only to trail off when he sees the look on my face.
We both hurry in the door and start calling Dan's name, splitting up and peering into the different rooms.
My heart is in my throat, fluttering wildly, and my breath quickly runs out as I run from room to room, still calling Dan's name. I reach for the knob of the door that led to Dan's room and push it open, getting ready to call his name again, but all of a sudden, my voice stops in my throat, and all that comes out is a tiny whimper.
He is curled up on the floor, thin arms clutching at legs which he had folded up to his chest. His face is horribly horribly pale and his eyes glassy and in his skeleton hands a bottle of pills, empty, gone. His eyes find my face, but it was like they couldn't focus, like he was looking right through me.
I drop to my knees.
"Dan oh my god oh my god."
I brush my hands against his back, shaking fingers unable to remember what they'd been trying to do.
What do I do?
"Jamie!" I call urgently, and he appears at the door within a couple of seconds, face paling as he sees Dan curled on the ground.
"Call an ambulance," I choke out, voice shaking. My whole body trembles as I wrap my arms around the tiny ball that Dan had curled into and pull him up into my arms.
"P..phil, I made a m...mistake, I c....changed my mind."
"Shh, it's okay, it's okay, Jamie is calling an ambulance and you're going to be fine, just stay awake, okay?"
My words choke out of my closed throat and I want to be calm want to be calm for him but I'm not my hands shake like leaves and I am shivering shivering so hard and how can I be calm when his lips are turning blue when his eyes can't focus on me I smell fear I never knew fear had a smell but I smell it it's on him and it's on me and we are on the edge of a cliff in the rain again only this time there's no railing and no ground beneath us. I hug him closer, his hair tickles my nose and what if he dies. What if he is gone what if he dies my fingers shake my arms shake so hard that I can't lift him up anymore but I do I keep doing it because I can't let go and why would he do something like this Oh my god, this isn't happening. What kind of fucked up person am I?
He makes a gargling sound, coughing out words.
"P..please don't let, please don't let me go."
His lips are blue and his eyes are empty they're so empty but I nod, whispering promises that I'm not quite sure I can keep.
"Phil."
I look up just in time to see his words die in his throat, eyes flutter shut, and the tense ball he'd been curled up into melted in my lap.
"No!" I shriek, the wail of an ambulance crying in the near distance but it's not here he's closed his eyes why isn't it here why wasn't it here already and I clutch onto him tighter, shaking, shaking.
"Dan you need to wake up, okay? Please don't leave me," I clench my shaking hands into his shirt and try to suck in air. Through my tears I see Jamie disappear from the doorway, returning a minute later with paramedics who gently pull me off of Dan and carry him away they carry him away and my feet won't work legs won't work I need to follow them but I can't because I'm shaking too hard.
I let Jamie lead me out and into a car I think it's my car but I don't know and my eyes can't see the real world they can only see blue lips and dead eyes.
Dan
God is dead.
Or more likely, he never existed.
There is no heaven, that's for sure.
Hell is what happens when you're bad, but what happens when you sell your life in exchange for something sweeter?
It's opening your eyes only to find that you don't know if they're open or shut. It's black, so much black it's walking and walking for days and days and screaming until your throat is raw because all there is is black and you have no hands or legs or lungs but yet you're still there.
I don't think I'm dead.
If this is death, I had made a huge mistake.
This is much worse than living.
I give up on walking because what's the point of walking when you don't exist. I stand, or maybe sit, or maybe float, and wait.
I wait.
And then:
"I miss you."
It was just that.
A small whisper that seemed to echo in the dark and then I was blinking my eyes open and small golden slats of light seemed to crack through the darkness. I claw my way out of the dark all the way out and I start to feel start to feel air in my lungs in and out and then I am back.
I blink, trying to figure out where I am, what is happening.
I feel the numb first, numb that wrapped around my skull. Then this goes, slow, but it goes, it lessens a bit, and I become aware of things. The soft feel of a thin blanket draped over me, a quiet beeping coming from the right of me, the feel of someones hand clutching mine. And then the wet, falling on my face like raindrops. I open my eyes fully, blinking a few times because TV static still blurred the edges of my vision.
The hand that I felt in mine was Phil's. The sad rain falling on my face came from Phil.
"I miss you so much," he says again, although this time it comes out as more of a sob, clenched and wavering as if he were forcibly pushing it out of his throat.
His hands clench onto mine as if they are the only thing keeping him from falling off the face of the world.
"Phil? Where am I?" I manage to croak out, and his head shoots up, bloodshot eyes wide open.
"Dan? You're awake oh my god."
His tired face lights up and shines brighter than the sun and then he gathers me up in his arms and holds me to him, never letting go of my hand. I squeak as he squeezes my ribs and he reluctantly pushes himself away, looking concerned, but happy, so happy.
"You're here, you're really here. You're awake and you're talking and.."
Phil rambles on, curling his free hand into a fist and rubbing his eyes, wiping his face of the tears that had tracked down his cheeks.
"Have you been sleeping?" I ask quietly. "You look tired."
Phil shakes his head no, and makes a sound that is a mixture of crying and laughing.
"You wake up from a coma and you're concerned about my sleeping habits. Dan Howell, you really are something."
The room goes quiet, and Phil clenches my hand as if he's afraid to let it go.
He breaks the silence.
"I'm sorry."
"What?"
"I'm sorry. You were so sad and I was such a shitty friend, I don't even know why you're upset, I'm so awful, I'm so sorry Dan. I'm so sorry."
Phil opens his mouth as if to say something else, but then the door swings open.
"Hey, Phil, brought you some soup, do you need....anything...else...." Pj trails off as he sees me.
"Dan oh my god." Pj breathes, dropping his bags and barreling over to my bed, wrapping me in a very gentle hug.
"You're finally awake, thank god. We were going out of our minds."
He pulls away, and a silence fell in the room for a few minutes.
What was I going to do?
Nothing had changed.
I'm still stuck.
So I did the only thing I had the strength to do.
I cried.
My sobs filled the quiet room and even though I moved to muffle them, crying into my hands, the sound of my sadness echoed through the room and I just cried harder. I hate this. I hate this stupid fucking world.
All of a sudden there were a pair of arms around me and I reached up behind his back and clutched onto his shirt and cried. He strokes my hair as I sob into his shoulder. It feels so good, having his arms around me, not having to put up walls, no masks, no playing pretend. For just a tiny bit of time, I am just me, broken and meaningless and sad. Just me.
Finally, I peel myself off of his chest and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.
"S..sorry," I stutter, hiccuping. Phil just shakes his head and moves up onto the bed with me, continuing to play with my hair, his cool breath whispering onto my neck and the warmth of him next to me spreading throughout my entire being, filling in all the cracks in my cold body.
Phil speaks up.
"Before you stress, I want to let you know we've taken care of the situation with your father. Even though it's protocol to notify family or legal guardians when someone is admitted to hospital, we explained the situation somewhat and they allowed me to sign on for you, so you don't have to worry about that. You're safe here."
Pj nods and I lean my head on Phil's shoulder, feeling a small part of the tension in me melt away.
Phil speaks up again, but this time his voice is quiet and unsteady, like he's afraid to let himself speak.
"I'm so sorry, Dan. I'm so sorry. I didn't even see, didn't even know. I should've known. I was supposed to protect you."
Phils voice cracks and the sadness in it makes my heart clench, makes me lean into him. The lump in my throat grows bigger and bigger as I realize all my secrets are all out in the open. I am stripped to the bone.
Phil takes a deep, shaky breath and calms himself down.
"The nurses gave me a full report and they're taking care of every injury, even the ones... the ones that... you...yeah. We are going to get you all fixed up."
I feel shaky and lightheaded and I shake like a leaf I've stressed him out I've made him sad this is my fault.
"I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me."
"What?"
I take one look at his face and am immediately filled with more guilt.
"I'm sorry.." I start again, but he shakes his head violently.
"Why on Earth would I be mad at you Dan? You've been hurting and I didn't know. I didn't even know. I am the one who's sorry. You're the one who should be mad at me."
"No. Never."
He sighs, looks me in the eyes, and in them I see nothing but love, no anger, no hate, no irritation. Just love.
"I am not and will never be mad at you for this. You didn't deserve a single thing that happened to you, and I'm here to make sure that you know that. That I love you, and Pj loves you, and we will never be mad at you. I'm here. I'm right here and I'm going to be right here from now on. I won't let anybody hurt you again."
He wraps me in his arms.
"I'm so sorry," he whispers into my ear, and we stay like that for a long, long time.
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a/n thingy: another update for you guys bc I felt like being productive ((also its a lot longer than I normally write so feeling pretty good about that ^_^))
EDIT: i changed this soso much sorry i was just unhappy w it hopefully this version is better now