After getting ready and making breakfast I stumbled into T's room, yogurt in hand. I added some fruits so it looked nice and colorful.
It was noon by now and he was still in bed.
"Brought you some food." I said. I placed it on his night stand. He was awake and just laying on his side with the covers pulled up to his nose.
"How are you?"
T buried his face in his pillow.
"Do you want me to leave?"
Timothy nodded.
"Well, I won't." I said resolved. I climbed into his bed. "Come on. You haven't eaten since yesterday so I know you're hungry. I made your favorite: fresh yogurt. Should be good!" I tried to make it sound appetizing but T didn't budge.
"At least have a bite, Timothy." I pleaded. "Not eating isn't going to make it better." I tangled my hand into his silky hair.
Timothy finally sat up. Now I could really take a look at his puffy face. The skin around his eyes was red and his eyes were glossy and sad.
He stared ahead of him.
"If you wanna talk I'll listen." I offered.
Timothy took a deep breath. I felt like he would say something but instead he just grabbed the yogurt and began eating.
"So Allie's been asking about you." I said.
T finally looked at me.
"She's coming over today, so.."
"Today?" T asked.
"Yes." I smiled.
"I don't wanna see her." Timothy frowned.
"Why not? She's like your best friend."
"Please just cancel. I don't wanna see anyone."
"Don't you think that seeing her could make you feel better?"
T played with his food. "Seeing her just reminds me of him." He mumbled.
Of course. Those two were attached at the hip. Never one without the other. Of course she reminded him of Charlie.
I remembered T's pill.
"Here," I fished the jar from my pocket.
He obediently took one and continued slowly eating his yogurt.
"I'm gonna cancel on Allie if you let me spend the day with you."
"I don't wanna go out."
"No, we're staying in. We can stay in bed all day, just let me be here."
Timothy turned to me. He studied me. Probably wondered why I was doing all this.
"You don't have to."
"I want to. And I know no matter what you say you don't wanna be alone."
T stared at me for a long time. "If that's what you want." He said finally.
"Yep. I don't have anything better to do, so." I shrugged.
T frowned at me.
"What? You've seen them. My friends are shit. Right now you're one of the most tolerable people in my life. And that's sad."
Timothy was busy listlessly stirring his yogurt.
"Are you ticklish?" I asked.
T gave me a look. "Please don't." He sounded exhausted.
I put his yogurt aside. T attempted to get away but obviously I was faster, stronger, taller, more muscular, manlier- Oh.
Anyway, I pinned him down and tickled the shit out of him and he immediately started to laugh. Like, full on, 'I'm so happy' type laughter. The sound was healing for me so I kept going.
"Please- Stop! Josh!"
I loved seeing the joy in his eyes. Someone had to take his phone and burn it. Burn all the evidence that Charlie had ever existed so he'd never be sad again.
After a couple minutes I just held him down. "You laughed, sad boy."
Timothy sighed and almost instantly he looked so down again. He turned his head away. "I said stop, didn't I?" He spoke softly.
"I just wanted you to laugh.."
Timothy frowned and his eyes teared up again. I let him go and he rolled onto his side.
"Please just go away, Josh. Please." He curled up in a ball.
I doubted myself for a moment but then I saw that nothingness in his eyes and I figured I'd rather have him cry than just stare at nothing all day.
"No." I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close.
"Let me go!" He struggled harder than all the other times to get out of my grasp.
"Get off me!" He screamed. He actually elbowed and kicked me a few times. But it didn't last very long before he gave up and started to cry.
"Look, I think we've already established you're a little bitch so it's not like anyone's surprised you're crying."
Fuck, that totally came out wrong.
"What I meant is.. I don't mind. Cry all you want, just... Don't cry alone. I'm here.. Is all."
To my surprise T actually turned around and cried into my chest. He clung to my shirt and just cried and cried. I was so relieved he finally let himself feel. Or maybe he just hadn't been able to before. I said nothing as I held him.
Soon enough he fell asleep.
He slept for the rest of the day and by the end I too had fallen asleep.
The next morning I noticed T wasn't in my arms. I shot up and found him sitting in the window, holding his plushy.
He stared at me.
"What?" I snapped.
"Why are you being so nice?"
I looked away. "You know why. I don't have to say it."
"Maybe I want you to say it."
I looked deep into Timothy's soft eyes. Would it really make a difference if I said things out loud? Wasn't the answer painstakingly obvious by now?
I sucked my teeth and sighed. "I care about you. So what? I don't fucking care." I mumbled. I sounded like a fucking idiot.
When I looked at Timothy he had a soft smile on his lips.
"Shut the fuck up, Timothy."
He giggled.
"Are you up for that walk now? The sun's out. Might be nice." I shrugged.
"'Kay."
We went for a walk in the golden sun. It was still cold outside but the sun helped.
Even though it was winter, the autumn leaves were still on the trees and on the ground. They crunched under our feet as we walked around in the golden forest. It was so lovely here. I don't know why but I wanted to hold T's hand. And.. there was barely anyone around anyway.
I grabbed Timothy's hand. He gave me a shocked look.
"You're cold, right?"
He was literally wearing a thick ass winter coat, a white knit hat and gloves.
"Uh.. yeah." T agreed.
I sighed of relief.
We walked in silence until we sat down at a bench. The golden sun was lighting up Timothy's face. I noticed how beautiful he was, not for the first time.
I watched his blue eyes shine. For a moment they didn't look dull or sad.
"How are you feeling?" I asked. The heat from my mouth formed some steam in the air as I spoke.
T nodded. "I'm okay."
"So it's not uh.." I tapped T's head. "All dark in there anymore? I mean, apart from the hole your brain left behind, of course."
T chuckled. It gave me butterflies.
Then he plucked at his pants. He studied them for a while without speaking.
"It's better with you." He finally said.
And I swear to you, if I didn't think he might scream at me or come out worse I would've pushed him against the bench and kissed his breath away.
I smiled softly. I was still holding his hand. I held our hands against each other.
"Your hand's tiny."
"Your hand's huge."
"Yeah, just imagine the size of my dick."
Why would I say that?!
T smiled and looked away. I smirked.
"Imagine the size of my hole." T said straight-faced.
My mouth dropped a little in surprise. Di- did he actually just say that?
T met my eyes with and amused look.
I began to laugh and so did he. Our quiet laughter was the loudest sound in the near-silent park. It felt cozy. I felt like I was never going to forget that moment.
We continued down the forest path. We didn't get that far before Timothy got tired again and we had to go back. But he'd made it out of his room which was already a huge achievement.
We had a salad for lunch and T watched me play video games.
I loved spending time with him. I loved every single time when he smiled or laughed or when the fog over his eyes lifted, even for just a moment.
✪
We spent every waking moment together during winter break. And whenever T had a moment to himself he picked up his stuffed animal and it seemed to give him solace. He was really doing a lot better.
Still it surprised me when T said he'd be going to school again. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. With all the teasing people were doing and more importantly, at school I couldn't do anything for him. I couldn't even be there for him.
But Joe agreed so long as I became his buddy.
I'd just tell the guys I was getting paid. I was relieved to be spending more time with him. But how was I going to pretend to hate him when at this point it was so clear the opposite was true?