[I just think about my baby I'm so full of love I could barely eat]
Paris, France
She was a sight to behold - a silver tweed dress that fell just above the knees, accompanied by black six-inch heels with red soles; Louboutins.
Her long hair cascaded down her exposed back as she threw her head back in a gorgeous sounding laugh that had all the men around ogling her.
She held a tight grip on the vanilla flavored champagne, the other hand holding onto the clutch that carried her spare euros and a MAC matte red lipstick.
A particular brunette man had his hand on her lower back as she reached over to put her glass down, his wide smile mimicking hers.
Where his black suit hugged his male-model physique, her tan legs ran for days passed the edges of her dress and into her shoes- toned and appearing worked out to perfection.
At least that's what the envious woman around her thought. Especially little blonde Kelly Sanders who eyed her from across the banquet floor, in a Valentino and all.
Little did they - Kelly especially - know that she was genetically lucky. Not having to go a day to the gym, she'd been blessed with curves in the right spots, a decent speed metabolism, and imperfections that were constantly overlooked, but to Ashlyn were bluntly obvious.
Not that she wanted people to see her imperfections or for them to vocally state their awareness about it - she had enough of that to deal with from her nagging self because of her extremely low self-confidence - but, sometimes, she wondered if the love the people around her showed her was really genuine.
She knew Tony's wasn't.
The only genuine thing in her life right now was Bucky, and she was ruining it because she thought she had been doing them a favor. Anything that once had a potential to be good in her life had been jeopardized by her, and she had spent the last five years trying to make up for it.
She'd do anything for her husband.
When Riley had turned to her in the train that one day many years ago, and brought up Kelly and her boyfriend and how they had gotten engaged after only five months of dating, any doubt she had about moving too quickly with Bucky had left her mind.
There was no doubt in her mind that what she had with him was rare and true love.
When she had seen his perfect blue eyes for the first time, and the way he had reached out to flick a snowflake off of her hair, she had been caught in a trance.
It was like something out of a movie, and her heart had fluttered when he gave her that iconic smile.
The smile that would soon belong to the man she'd end up marrying.
She knew who he was when she met him, but she had lied and pretended like she didn't know. She was afraid of coming clean after so many months, afraid that it would make it look like she did it out of using him, when the truth was that she didn't want him to think that his reputation was why she wanted to be with him in the first place.
They had swapped numbers after their first encounter, and she fell in love with him after two weeks, and she was certain he felt the same way.
Even Riley saw it; that un-denying chemistry.
Bucky was sweet, he was kind, and he was everything she had been waiting for since her parents had died.
After their death, she had felt more alone than ever.
She had already faced bipolar and other emotional issues before their death, her little sister, seeming to be the only light in her life anymore.
She knew there was times where she felt like she did things that didn't make sense, or say things that didn't make any sense either.
She would most often than not, realize it too late, but she knew.
She did it because of herself. She felt worthless and she felt like she deserved every consequence that was handed her way. She didn't know why- maybe it was whatever unbalanced chemicals that were being produced in her brain that made her feel a certain way about herself.
Since a child, she never really found her true herself or who she was.
She was never certain about her identity, to begin with.
She didn't help her mother cook in the kitchen like Riley did, and she never fit into any clique at school. She'd ditch going out on Friday nights to instead help Riley with her homework or her hair and makeup so Riley could go out and meet her friends.
Her senior year she had ditched the cafeteria and resorted to eating her lunch in the bathroom stall, the loneliness and the fear of being alone forever engulfing her.
The echoes of the footsteps in the bathroom from her classmates as she chewed her peanut butter and jelly sandwich - swallowed down by a gulp of chocolate milk - were her lullabies.
Not too long after, she was diagnosed with bipolar and depression by age nineteen, making sure she was keeping it from everyone around her.
The last thing she wanted was to be treated the way she viewed herself.
The reason people were distant wasn't because she was bullied or because people thought she was weird, she just didn't know who exactly she was.
She didn't know who she was until Bucky Barnes showed it to her.
He saved her in many more ways than she could ever say, and she goddamn loved him for it. He was her saving grace, and his presence reminded her just how much she needed to take care after Riley.
After her parent's death, she had become distant again. Her depression was worst and she took it out on Riley, by no fault of her own.
When Bucky came into the picture, and he had upped her spirits in surprising ways that made her unbelievably happy, it was like a fog was cleared from her eyes and she was reminded that she had to take care of Riley.
It happened all because of him.
Ashlyn loved him with all her heart, but it came with a price.
Because of him, she discovered herself, and what she liked was material things and doing things for her husband, that in the long run, would benefit him [them].
Everything that she had transformed herself to become, which was now making her happier than ever, she had done it because of and for him.
And now that she'd been doing better mentally, after taking many drugs and lots of therapy, she found herself falling into the arms of another man.
When Mr. Barnes had taken her aside after their first interview, he had looked at her a certain way that made her tummy turn in uncertainty.
She had trembled slightly in apprehension as she saw a familiar form in his hand.
Resting his leg on his desk, his eyes darkened but remained on her.
It wasn't to deny, Mr. Barnes had been a beautiful man (a silver fox in all ways), but he had made her feel uneasy with the way he stared at her ass when she had greeted her son earlier in the lobby.
The interview had gone well until she saw in his right hand a piece of paper that would either make or break it all.
"You didn't have to keep this from us. Not me, especially my son, as I'm assuming he doesn't know. Is there a reason why you chose to not mention this?"
He took Ashlyn's silence as his answer and makes a sound of understanding.
"Why," he taps the papers against his legs and walks around to sit in his big chair behind his desk, "did you keep your medical records a secret?"
Ashlyn swallowed nervously, her mouth opening but no sound coming out.
"Did you think this would stop me from hiring you?" Mr. Barnes wasn't yelling, but his voice was strong. When she doesn't say anything, he leans over his desk, drops the paper down, and with crossed hands continues, "look, you're a sweet girl. And I see a lot of potential in you. You have good qualities, you stick up for what you want regardless of if it's right or wrong-"
She couldn't help it.
"I'm sorry, you got that from a fifteen-minute interview?" Ashlyn chuckles nervously.
Mr. Barnes smiles.
"Trust me, I have good instinct. Anyway, am I wrong?" When Ashlyn doesn't respond, Mr. Barnes smirks, eyes drifting once more to her gorgeous legs, "bipolar, depression, anxiety, personality disorder, a manic episode-" Ashlyn flinches with each word thrown at her, she feels it eating away at her bones and most importantly - her dignity. He notices and his eyes soften, "It's nothing to be ashamed of. Many famous businessmen, celebrities, big figure names—suffer from the same illnesses. It doesn't make you any less human or capable."
A breath of relief escapes her lungs.
Ashlyn nodded.
He smirked.
"Come here, I want to show you something."
She had followed him out to the large window and stood there next to her for a few minutes before continuing.
"You see this?" Ashlyn followed his gaze out into the city, the hundreds of people walking below in the streets, the famous buildings hanging high in the skies like goddamn trophies, "Barnes Enterprises owns about seventy five percent of everything you're seeing. From the Hudson to the bay-" He turned slowly to Ashlyn and examined her face, "I see the way your eyes shine when you look at it."
Ashlyn swallows as her eyes drift down, "It's all really nice. Everything he's done for me so far, it's almost like he knows exactly what I need. It's like he's cured me."
She trembled slightly under his heavy gaze and as his finger played with a strand of her that was on her shoulder.
"And what is it that you need?"
Ashlyn thought about it- really thought about it. The answer was simple, and it wasn't one that she had ever expected to be the answer to all her issues. After Bucky had given her the apartment, the job, and now looking at the city, she knew exactly what it was that she wanted.
"Everything."
Barnes' bit his bottom lip and nodded, looking once more out the window.
"Perfect. Look I think you'll be perfect for this job more than you think. If anything I'm going to want your help, but it's something that can only stay between us. It will make you happy and it will help you."
"Of course, anything."
Mr. Barnes sighed.
"Look, Bucky's a great kid, as I'm sure you know. But he's got some weaknesses. He thinks too much with his heart. I'm going to want you to work under my eye, and there are certain tasks you might have to do that at first won't make sense to you, but in the long run you will see it pay off. That is, if I choose you to stay."
His words at first had surprised her. Bucky's own father wanted Ashlyn to keep a secret from him. She loved Bucky and she loved the things he was doing for her.
"It will help me?" Her voice shook with uncertainty.
"Yes."
It was on their trip to Paris that it had happened.
It was a simple assistant job, follow Mr. Barnes around like a fucking chihuahua taking his calls, making sure everything was in order, keeping appointments, etc.
She made sure that all his emails were read and she read lines with him on what he had to say to Tony at their meeting the following night.
Everything was all set until it was time for her to go to her own hotel room when Mr. Barnes stopped her.
She spun around with a small frown and asked if there was something she had missed. He simply shook his head and beckoned her with his finger to walk over to him.
She hesitated for a moment until those familiar eyes took her in, shivering at how it sent a weird warmth down her body that she didn't expect.
Somewhere along the way, she'd ended up between his legs. His hands had been on her waist and her own hands in his silver luxurious hair.
He had started with simple kisses around her belly button around the heavy rummaging of his corse hands on her denim were the only sound.
In the back of her head, she had that burning guilt of the reminder of her boyfriend and she pushed him away softly, almost painfully.
"Mr. Barnes, this is wrong."
"Remember that test I was telling you about? This is it, Ashlyn. If you can do this, you can do anything. And you can have anything you want."
She wanted to be cured, she wanted to be okay again like when she was a child. She hated her illness, and the only thing that seemed to make her better was what Mr. Barnes was offering her.
He was right. Wasn't he?
She felt a heavy knot in her throat.
"You can't tell Bucky."
"No. Never. That would ruin everything."
She took in his words and after a few more seconds succumbed to his 'test'.
She'd gone down on him and she had felt disgusted with herself. When he was finished, she wanted to run out of that room and call Bucky, tell him she loved him.
She was turned away and had wiped her mouth one more time on the back of her hand when that husky voice from behind her started again.
"Have you ever owned a five thousand dollar purse before?"
She had thought that was a weird question, especially after just giving a man a blowjob.
"No."
"It'd look good on you. I'll take you tomorrow to get one."
Her brows furrowed.
"I don't have five thousand dollars."
"Yes, yes you do."
The second he said it, everything in her head finally clicked.
Anything she wanted really could be hers.
The first few work 'trips' and 'meetings' after that night killed her. Her love for Bucky was still so strong and the guilt ate her alive.
But Mr. Barnes promised her that what she was doing would be for him, too. It was good for the both of them, he had said. And Ashlyn believed him.
She had to convince Stark and Pymm for a percentage of their company's proceeds and it was up to her. She hated that she was spending more time away from her boyfriend and she noticed how much it was tearing them apart.
But it was strange because part of her was no longer depressed. She finally felt beautiful and happy, like she was meant for something.
She felt wanted.
Her happiness soon became bigger than the pain she felt for cheating on Bucky. He still loved her anyway.
He wouldn't leave her.
Her escapades with Hank had been brief and almost felt pointless.
For the most part, he'd just lay there beneath her like the old man he was and let her ride him until his body jerked.
She'd go back to Barnes' shower and scrub her skin until it was raw, almost certain that with the way their sex was going it wasn't going to turn into a good result.
They weren't going to get the percentage Barnes Enterprises was hoping for.
To say she was surprised when Mr. Barnes told her they'd gotten forty percent of the gross pay, after their disappointing fuck fest, was an understatement.
Maybe she was better than she thought.
Maybe Bucky was right, she really was perfect.
Then she met Tony.
She thought that what she had with Bucky was true love until Tony.
Unfortunately, it was unrequited.
She had been shattered at the thought of what she had allowed her heart to feel and what she had ruined. When Bucky had run out that night to God knows where, she had finally had a taste of her own medicine. And it was fucking bitter.
She needed Bucky in her life. He was her guardian angel.
But she also needed to do it for her health. She couldn't risk the chance of Bucky finding out about what she had done and and leaving her with nothing.
She was afraid of what would happen to her sanity.
So her and Mr. Barnes came up with a plan. It would not only help salvage the company but it would keep Ashlyn at peace. After all, he'd convinced her that she was mentally stronger at keeping a better financial outcome for the company than Bucky ever would.
His thought process was too logical, hers was more practical.
The moment she promised herself that she would no longer cheat was exactly four years ago, about a year into their marriage.
Her change of heart was mainly because there was no longer a reason for it, she had the money she needed, THEY had it all.
She tried so hard to love him again and to make him love her again.
And one day, it almost seemed like they did.
It almost seemed too good to be true. And now, they had a baby on the way.
This was their second chance.
She thought for many nights of asking Bucky about the one night he ran out on her many years ago. She thought about asking where it was he had ran to, but she knew she couldn't handle it.
She was thankful he never brought it up again.
For a while, everything seemed great.
Until you showed up again, the so-called light of her life.
It was like Bucky's switch flipped and it had been how it used to be five years ago.
And that's how she ended up at Steve's front door.
It didn't take more than three persistent knocks for the door to swing open.
She was met with Steve's distraught expression which quickly turned into shock.
"Ashlyn."
Ashlyn was momentarily stunned as she looked back at the face that she hadn't seen in years.
"Steve."
Steve swallowed hard as his eyes darted down her body, his grip on the door tightening.
"What are you doing here?"
"I think you know why I'm here."
Multiple possibilities swam through Steve's head and a strange fear that he couldn't place crept up his spine.
He tilted his head.
"I can't talk right now—"
"Like hell, you can't, Rogers."
Ashlyn had moved up until her our hand was on his door, trying to pry it open. He stared up at her, eyes still bloodshot.
"What do you want?" He whispered painfully.
Her eyes were just as pained, "I need to talk to you, please."
He looked at her for a second longer, contemplating if he would be able to handle another wave of drama after what he had just experienced in his now ex-girlfriend's hotel room, before finally letting Ashlyn in.
"Please tell me what you were doing with Bucky."
She says after he has the door closed. She notes the way the muscles in his back tense at her words, the heavy puff of air that escapes his lungs as his fingers flex against the wood of the door.
"Please, Steve. What don't I know?"
"I-" his breath catches in his throat as he plays back the image of his best friend and his girl next to a used condom, "You should call him."
"He'd hiding something isn't he?"
Steve took in a deep breath as he ran a hand down his face, "Please, Ash—"
"Is it business-related, or does it have to do with something else?" Steve pinches the bridge of his nose, "You don't know what I've been through, how hard I have tried to salvage our marriage. And just when I thought I had him back, he's hiding something and I know it."
"I'm sorry," Steve mumbles as he turns around to make his way to the living room, walking right past Ashlyn with a stern face.
"If you're sorry you would tell me what you know, you would tell me the real reason you left, you would explain to me-"
"Will you stop?"
His sudden shout shocks both of them.
Ashlyn's breathing hard as she sees the fresh tears sprung his eyes.
"I know it's hard. It's fucking hard, I know. But I'm not in the mood right now to be anyone's psychologist or couples mediator. You want to know everything, why don't you try communicating with your husband? Why don't you ask him your damn self, Ashlyn?" He watches as she started to cave into herself, eyes looking away from him in shame.
"I'm afraid."
It comes out quietly. Steve's sighs in disappointment - disappointment with himself for the way he snapped at Riley.
"I'm sorry. I know it's hard to ask something you secretly don't want the answer to, and damnit, I feel horrible that I can't be the one to speak to you about it. It has to be him."
A few tears run down her face as they both stand there in silence.
Steve's eyebrows dart up as he sees Ashlyn reach for the buttons of her wool coat, unbuttoning it slowly.
It isn't until she has it draped over her right arm and she faces him completely -eyes darting towards her belly- that he realizes what she was showing him.
His eyes dart immediately to her stomach. If it wasn't for her move or for where her gaze was, he wouldn't have even noticed the small little bump.
He swallows thickly as many emotions course through his body.
"Are you...?" It comes out softly.
She nods.
He was angry at his best friend for doing what he did to his wife - his pregnant wife-, he was confused because did Riley know about this, and he felt pain for Ashlyn. For the betrayal she would feel when she found out what Bucky did to her.
He felt pity.
Steve walked over to his couch and motioned for Ashlyn to follow him.
"Please." She says. She became timid under his gaze as she brushed a few tears off her face.
"Tell me everything." Steve says.
Ashlyn took a deep breath and started from the beginning, but leaving out the inappropriate details that involved Mr. Barnes, Tony, and Hank.
"—I knew we were going through a rough patch, and it was mostly my fault because I was so busy with work, but he shouldn't have given up on me so easily. I still tried so hard to fight for us, but something was distracting him. I don't know what, I mean at one point I thought maybe he was even cheating on me- kissing some other girl on the side- but never actually fornicating. He's too good."
Steve's gaze trailed down the side of the couch, his heart grew heavy.
"Right?"
Steve reached over and took Ashlyn's hand in his, "I'm sorry you've both been going through all this. You don't deserve it. But I can't tell you what I know."
"Why?"
"Because it's not my place. But you need to talk to him as soon as possible," Steve ran his hand through his hair, "I can't stand that son of a bitch right now, but at the end of the day, I can't get it out of my head that he's still that same little boy I grew up with. I want to hate him so much, but I still have some kind of respect that I just can't shake."
"What happened between both of you, if it doesn't relate to me? You seem shaken up."
Steve was caught off guard by her questions.
"Look, I think you should go—"
Steve stood up quickly before the tears could make its way up his throat.
"Steve-"
"Please take care of yourself, Ashlyn."
"It's so hard not being able to touch you," Riley whimpers when she gets a chance to pull away from his mouth, "But we can't. Not until we tell her."
His fingers continued to trail down her chin and she gets lost in his touch again.
"James."
She whimpered softly. She was hypnotized by his presence as he leaned in to kiss her.
She kissed him back deeply, moaning the second his tongue flicked against hers.
She ran her left hand up through his hair and her leg wrapped around his waist. He groaned as he ground up against her.
"Just once more." He whimpered into the soft skin of her neck.
"We can't keep doing this—" her hands drifted down to the buckle of his belt, "we can't."
She continued to open up his fly.
He was panting while he looked down at what she was doing.
"Then stop," he met her eyes in an intense stare that left her shaking, "I dare you."
Her only response was to raise herself higher onto her elbows, grabbing him in a harsh kiss.
"One more time." She breathed out.
He kissed her again and again.
She shuddered as she felt the tips of his fingers on the waist of her jeans and underwear.
Her kisses began to get heated and she had to physically pull herself away from him.
"Bucky, wait."
"What's wrong?"
"We're good people, but look at what we're doing to the people around us. I love you so much, but I can't keep doing this knowing that they are still hurting."
"So what do you suggest we do?"
"We need to speak to Steve. We need to explain everything. And then Ashlyn needs to know." Riley watched as he visibly swallowed hard. She reached for his left hand and played with the ring there, "I can't keep having sex with you when you're still married to her."
"You're right. No, I agree."
They are both sitting next to each other and Bucky reaches over to grab his leather coat when a vibrating sound startles them. Her eyes furrow together as an unknown caller comes up on the screen.
"Hello?"
"Why hello to you, too."
"Nat?"
Hers and Bucky's eyes meet briefly.
"The one and only."
Nat sits in a coffee shop, and she twirls the edge of her mug with a pointer finger. Across from her is Wanda, her face in her hands.
"How have you been? You cut me off and not even an "I miss you" either?"
Riley let's out a long sigh, guilt consuming her.
"Look, Nat. Its been a hard five years," Riley's eyes flicker up to Bucky again and he gives her a sad look, "I'm sorry, I do miss you. I missed all of you."
"Listen, tell Bucky I need to steal you for tonight. He wouldn't mind now would he?" Nat smirked while Wanda groaned into her hand.
Riley is shocked, and she's quite positive Bucky heard Nat judging by his equally stunned face.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Riley adds in a fake/nervous laugh for extra measure.
"Who do you think sent Barnes after you in the first place?" Riley doesn't answer, still shocked, "Tonight, come out to dinner with me and my friend. We have a plan. I'll text you details."
She hangs up on Riley and she's left fazed and confused as she looks down at her phone.
"What was that?"
Bucky asks concerned.
"Nat wants to meet up with me tonight. She says she has some sort of plan."
"Plan for what?"
"I have no idea."
Bucky nods. He's just got his shows slipped on when he walks over to Riley, planting a deep kiss on her swollen lips.
She parts them slightly, letting her hand go to the back of his neck, pulling him in deeper into her.
When they both pull away he smiles at her,
"Everything will be fine. You go meet Nat, as I'm sure she misses you just as much as you miss her. I think I'm gonna go to talk to Steve."
"Are you sure?"
Bucky nodded, "Yeah. Bro to bro."
~
Steve knew that by the second time that evening if one more person were to knock crazily on his front door, he would burn his apartment down along with his body.
He was so exhausted he didn't even care to look through the peephole before ripping it open.
What he was face to face with was the last thing he was expecting.
He sucked in a deep breath through his nose.
He didn't hesitate before shutting it closed again in Bucky's face.
"Come on, man." Bucky sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. He raised his hand and knocked once more, "Please."
Steve remained silent, back leaned up against his door.
"I know all of this is a mess, but I want to explain myself. It'll make sense if you just let me talk," Steve's eyes closed tight together, "Steve, please." Bucky leaned his hand down to the doorknob and jiggled it, "Come on. You're my best friend."
Steve let his back drag down the door, bringing his knees to his chest.
Bucky took a deep breath, "Fine. I'll talk and you can listen."