(A/n: Thank you all so much for your patience! It took a while to put this together since I really wanted to make cracks for all the hashiras but nevertheless, I'm really glad I can bring this to you all. I'm still working on the other remaining parts. For now though, get ready for a long read (grab a snack or two) and enjoy!!)
GIYUU'S DELETED SCENES
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Giyuu: God has decided to let me live another day and I'm going to make it everyone's problem.
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Makomo: Giyuu, I beg of you. Please, PLEASE go to the doctor.
Giyuu: Hey, I'm sorry. Is this OUR stab wound?
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Giyuu: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.
Makomo: No, that's not how you make cookies.
Sabito: FLOOR IT!!
Giyuu: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!?
Makomo: yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN-
Giyuu: WE'RE GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!
Sabito: DO IT!!
Makomo: NO-
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Giyuu: The risk I took was calculated but damn, am I bad at math
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Sabito: Ugh, there's always that weak bitch in the group who isn't down with murder.
Giyuu: *glares at Makomo*
Makomo: Well, sorry I have morals!
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Makomo: You know you can die from that, right?
Giyuu: *smoking a cigarette* That's the point.
Sabito: *Eating raw cookie dough and nodding* wait what-?
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Giyuu: I've come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than fuck and if I can't cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down.
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Urokodaki, looking at Giyuu when they first met: Would you like to stay for dinner?
Sabito, from the kitchen: Would you like to stay forever!?!
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Giyuu: I love saying 'fuck me' because it can either be sexual or self-loathing and those are two things that describe me perfectly.
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Demon!Kyoujurou: Hey, I bought your soul last month and—
Giyuu: No returns.
Demon!Kyoujurou: Please. It's making me sad
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Tengen: If I die, my funeral will be the biggest party ever and you're all invited.
Obanai: "If"
Giyuu: Great, the only party I'm ever invited to and he might not even die
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Giyuu: I'd rather die.
Interviewer: ...Than?
Giyuu: Huh? No, that's all.
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Shinobu: When do you usually go to sleep?
Giyuu: Whenever I collapse is entirely up to the Gods.
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Urokodaki: Why do you kids like being out in the rain so much?
Sabito: I like splashing and rain is just fun!
Giyuu: I'm trying to get hit by lightning
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Giyuu: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.
Sabito: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.
Giyuu: O- oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??
Sabito: Is it working??
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Giyuu: If I die, at least I'm dying doing something I love.
Makomo: What would that be?
Giyuu: Dying.
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Giyuu: I can't go. Stress is bad for the baby.
Sabito: What baby?
Giyuu: Me. I'm baby.
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Giyuu: Help, I can't find my boyfriend!
Police Officer: How does he look like?
Sabito: *sobs* BEAUTIFUL
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Sanemi: I hate you!
Giyuu: I hate me too!
Sanemi: Giyuu, we talked about this
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Giyuu: * :( *
Sanemi: Turn that frown upside down
Giyuu: * ): *
Sanemi: Listen here you little shit
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SANEMI'S DELETED SCENES
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Sanemi: I am darkness. I am power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am-
Kanae: A doll.
The fandom: A cinnamon roll.
Giyuu: A sweetheart.
Sanemi:
Sanemi: ...stop it.
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Genya: Oh, fiddlesticks.
Sanemi: *affronted* Look, I understand this is a tense situation, but let's watch the fucking language.
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Giyuu: Why aren't you sleeping?
Sanemi: I'm too busy plotting your murder to sleep, Giyuu!
Giyuu:
Sanemi: ...The nightmares.
Giyuu: *wrapping his arms around him in a cuddle* Awwww, sweetie-
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Sanemi: Dammit, Genya!
Genya: What?! It wasn't me!
Sanemi: My bad, force of habit. Dammit, Giyuu!
Giyuu: Not me either.
Sanemi: Oh...Then who set the house on fire?
Tengen: *whistles*
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Sanemi: Dont worry, Genya, I'll take care of this
Genya: We're not allowed to kill someone this time this time.
Sanemi: Hurt them?
Genya: Nope
Sanemi: Threaten them??
Genya: Not even that. Kagaya even said we should be NICE to them
Sanemi: Then forget what I said, as far as I'm concerned we are utterly and completely fucked.
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Shinobu: We're going in there to retrieve Tanjiro and-
Sanemi: We're gonna kill anyone who stands in our way!!
Shinobu: What? No!
Obanai: We'll kill a few people
Shinobu: We're not killing anyone
Tengen: We'll kill one person, one unfortunate soul no one cares about
Shinobu: I said we're not going to kill!
Sanemi: Well WAY to strip this of any actual fun!
Giyuu: Kocho, they took TANJIRO
Shinobu:
Shinobu: Maybe just one person
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TENGEN'S DELETED SCENES (Ft. Rengoku)
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Rengoku: HEY, WANNA HELP ME COMMIT ARSON?
Tengen: What the hell!?
Rengoku: Oh, sorry, my bad.
Rengoku, whispering: Wanna help me commit arson?
Tengen, whispering: Of course. What do you need?
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Tengen: Make no mistake. Not only am I party rocking, but I am also in the house tonight.
Rengoku: BUT ARE YOU SHUFFLING?
Tengen: Everyday.
Obanai: What language are you two speaking??
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Tengen's wives: Rengoku-san! Sit down on the chair, you're in big trouble.
Tengen, whispering: Deny everything.
Rengoku: *slowly* That's not a chair
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Tengen: I've been here in jail so long I think I've lost my mind.
Tengen: The days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months.
Tengen: How long have I been in here now? Almost a year?
Shinobu: Tengen, this is fucking Monopoly
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Tengen: When will Ted himself...finally show up to the talk?
Rengoku: *in awe* The final boss.
Giyuu: ...You guys know TEDtalks stands for technology, entertainment, and design talks, right?
Tengen & Rengoku: We will not let Ted hide behind these lies any longer!
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Rengoku: Welcome to my very first vlog, in which I try different hair products!
Rengoku: *sprays hairspray in their mouth*
Rengoku: Well, right off the bat I can tell you this one is not very umai.
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Zenitsu: [sneezes]
Tengen:
Zenitsu: You're not even going to say "bless you"?
Tengen: I'm sitting here with you. You're clearly already BEEN blessed
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Tengen: If you like me, raise your hand.
Random Person: What do I do if I don't like you?
Tengen: Then raise your standards, bitch
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Giyuu: Babe, can you pass me the salt please?
Sabito and Sanemi: *reach out to get it*
Tengen: *holding up a camera* Fight! Fight!
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Sanemi: *holding a padlock* I guessed the combination of your safe on the first try
Sanemi: 69-69
Tengen: June 9th 1969. The day my parents got married
Sanemi: No it isn't
Tengen: My mom's birthday
Sanemi: No
Tengen: The moon landing
Sanemi: Nope
Tengen: Fine! You're right, it's a completely random set of numbers
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Tengen: Here is my wall of inspirational people.
Obanai: Isn't that a picture of you?
Tengen: Yes. I am big enough to admit that I often admire myself.
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Sanemi: I guess you're better than most people
Tengen: *all people
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Tengen: Just found out the world doesn't revolve around me, shocked & upset.
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Tengen: I've always had a hard time choosing presents for my wives. What do you get people who already have everything?
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Tengen: And by everything, I mean me.
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MUICHIRO'S DELETED SCENES
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Yuichirou: I ate those brownies in the kitchen. They're really good.
Yuichirou: Are they yours?
Muichirou: Yeah, it's gonna kick in soon.
Yuichirou: What's going to kick in?
Yuichirou: Muichirou?
Yuichirou: MUICHIRO WHAT'S GONNA KICK IN!?
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Tanjiro: Being half asleep and feeling someone gently plant a kiss on your forehead is one of the purest kinds of love in the world.
Muichiro: *nodding* Unless you're home alone.
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Muichiro: *slightly agitated* Genya, do you love me?
Genya: Of course I do!
Muichiro: Would you still love me if I did something bad?
Genya: Well, of course I... would...
Muichiro: I mean something really, really—
Genya: Muichiro, what did you do?
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Muichiro: Mint is just cold spicy.
Sanemi: *Just coming back from a coffee break* What the-
Muichiro: Spicy is just hot tingly
Obanai: *groans in deja vu*
Muichiro: Cereals when soaked have a texture called slunchy
Tanjiro: I don't really think that's a word...
Muichiro: Milk directly from a cow should be ca-
Genya: *covering his mouth and carrying him away* Alright, it's nap time for you young man
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Muichiro: Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit and wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Tanjiro: That's deep.
Muichiro: That would mean that ketchup is actually a smoothie.
Genya: *choking back sobs* That's even deeper.
Zenitsu: ...You guys are idiots.
Genya: That was less deep
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Gyomei: Did you eat all the sugar powdered donuts?
Genya, mouth full of food: No...
Kagaya: Then what's that on your pants?
Muichirou, without hesitation: That's cocaine.
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Muichiro: What if Cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave and her name was Mozzarella?
Obanai: Stop bringing these kind of questions to me!!
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Muichiro: I don't like physical affection.
Tanjiro: Hi!
Muichiro: Suddenly I want to be hugged.
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Muichiro: If corals get stressed, they die, so if I was coral I'd be dead
Giyuu: what do corals even get stressed about?
Muichiro: Current events
Muichiro: and fishy events
Giyuu: I sea
Obanai: FORGET THAT YOU TWO FOUND YOUR WAY HERE AT 3AM NOW GET THE FUCK OUT-
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Yuichiro: Muichiro, will you taste this batter?
Muichiro: *tastes it* Hmm, I think it's a little off
Yuichiro: You know what's off? Your mouth! Why of all the things in the world to lack, you lack a sense of taste, I'll never know
Yuichiro: *licks the spoon* Nope, I forgot the sugar, that's on me.
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Muichiro: I opened both my water and my electricity bills at once.
Muichiro: Needless to say, I was shocked.
Obanai: Get out.
Muichiro: this is my section, you get out
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Yuichiro: OH MY GOD MY ARM IS ON FIRE
Muichiro: QUICK SOMEBODY HELP BEFORE THE POLICE ARREST MY BROTHER!
Yuichiro: WHY WOULD THE POLICE ARREST ME!?!
Muichiro: ILLEGAL POSSESSION OF A FIREARM, DUH!
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Yuichiro: You're a hoe.
Muichiro: That was so rude. Apologize!
Yuichiro: I'm so sorry you're a hoe
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OBANAI'S DELETED SCENES
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Obanai: The only thing keeping me from running away and hiding from society for the rest of my life is spite. I could disappear forever, but there are some bitches whose downfalls I have yet to witness, and I wanna be around when that happens.
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Literally anyone (-Mitsuri ): You saved me. I owe you my life-
Obanai: No thanks. I've seen it and I'm not very impressed.
Them: Well then, how about my services-
Obanai: Nope. I don't need the services of someone incapable of protecting themself from imminent danger
Them: Maybe you could train m-!
Obanai: Negative. I've seen enough to know you're not up to being my student
Them: ...
Obanai: You can repay me by-
Them: Yes! I'll do anything!
Obanai: -never crossing my path again
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Tengen: I dare you to kiss the next person who walks into this room.
Obanai: Screw that, I'm not kissing any of you.
Mitsuri: [walks in the room]
Obanai: Fine, I'll do it. Rules are rules, you know.
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Obanai: Due to personal reasons, I will be sinking to the bottom of the ocean in a large metal box.
Tengen: Did Mitsuri say, "I love you" and you said, "Thanks"?
Obanai: THE REASONS ARE PERSONAL YOU LITTLE SHI–
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Obanai: Are you crying?
Mitsuri: Yes, but it was just the onions.
Obanai, looking at the onions: What the fuck did you say to Mitsuri?
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Mitsuri: I can't believe we're stuck in this room together.
Obanai, swallowing the key: Truly unfortunate.
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Obanai: 119, what's your emergency?
Shinobu: This girl's talking shit on Twitter.
Obanai: Whut?
Shinobu: She said she hates Mitsuti.
Obanai: WHAT'S HER AD, RIGHT NOW-
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SHINOBU'S DELETED SCENES
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Shinobu: God only allows things to grow till they're perfect. Some of us didn't take as long as others.
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Tengen: Well Rengoku and I have to go now.
Shinobu: Alright, have fun, gays!
Tengen: Don't you mean 'guys'?
Shinobu: Did I stutter?
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Muichiro: *staring at the sky while rambling* What would you do if Giyuu actually formed a friend group and invited you to it?
Shinobu: *packs things up*
Shinobu: *sticks a notepad on the door that says 'FUCK THAT' and leaves*
Shinobu: *gets in a rocket*
Shinobu: *blast off*
Shinobu: *space here I come*
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Tengen: Shinobu, can we talk? One ten to another?
Shinobu: I'm an eleven, but continue.
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Shinobu: What are you, three?
Giyuu: Yeah, three heads taller than you.
Shinobu:
Giyuu:
Shinobu: Bitch, you're dead.
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Shinobu: In a world full of peasants....
Shinobu: AKA not me
Shinobu: A bad bitch was born
Shinobu: AKA me
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Shinobu: I was diagnosed with Bad Bitch Syndrome....
Shinobu: It hurts.... but what can I say? It's incurable.
Kanao: A lifelong sentence.
Shinobu: Now you're getting it
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Shinobu: As President of the United State of Bad Bitchica....
Shinobu: I declare:
Shinobu: In rizz we trust.....
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Giyuu: When I was a kid I invented a magnetic flashlight clip so I could read under the covers
Giyuu: This clip and I went all around the world together. The Shire, Sweet Valley High, Terabithia
Shinobu: But never to a friends house, huh?
Giyuu: Uncalled for
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(A/N: I didn't know how to make cracks for Mitsuri and Gyomei, please pardon me 😢
Also, Hope I made you smile today)