"Feeling any better?" Ashton asked, sliding me a mug of what appeared to be hot tea.
I sat down at the kitchen table, holding the warm cup in my hands, allowing the heat to penetrate into my skin.
"Yeah, I'm alright."
I kept my tone neutral, not wanting to convey any emotion that would lead him to one conclusion or another.
"You don't sound alright.." he said, now sitting across from me, with his own drink in hand. "Was there something in the bag?"
Fuck his stupid psychologist skills and being able to read my face.
"No. It was just a lot to take in, losing your parents isn't exactly easy." I spoke out, harshly.
Maybe if I could push him away far enough, I could keep him out of the mess that was hidden in the journal.
"I'm not forcing you to talk to me, Alice." He said his voice quieter now, defeated. "I just wanted to check in."
"So can I go then?"
He gave me a slow nod, and in response I stood abruptly leaving both him and his tea downstairs.
There wasn't exactly any furniture in the room, so I just sat on the floor out of desperation for space away from Ashton.
I closed the door behind me when I came into the room, but I didn't lock it. I wasn't exactly sure if that was allowed..
I stayed up in my room for a few hours, until I at some point fell asleep.
When I woke, I was no longer on the floor, but rather someone else's bed.
I sat up, startled by the new and unfamiliar surroundings.
Swinging my legs off the bed, I stood, and fiddled around for a light switch in the darkness of the room.
My hands traced the wall, until I felt the stub hit my palm and I flicked it on.
It took a few minutes for my eyes to adjust to light, but eventually they did, allowing me to see clearer.
I wondered around the room for a minute, searching for clues of who it belonged too, but I couldn't figure it out.
Whosever it was, they had good taste. The bedspread was a light blue, with pleats at the bottom, and was accented with gray and white pillows. Behind it sat a statement piece of a headboard, tying the whole look together.
The room itself had a faded floral accent wall, and soft light fixtures fixed on either side.
It was cute honestly.
With no luck on finding out who's room I was in, I cracked open the door and crept out into the hallway, careful not to make any noise.
The house was dead silent, and completely dark, suggesting that
Ashton had gone to bed. Squinting, to try and gain some depth perception, I slowly made my way down the stairs.
The tv had been left on providing a little bit of light in the living room. The blue screen offered just enough illumination for me to see the outline of a body laying on the couch, under a blanket.
I tiptoed closer to get a better look, and decipher who it was, but as I approached the figure, they opened their eyes.
"Are you okay, Alice?" Luke asked, his voice gruff from sleep.
Now that he had perked his head up, I could make out his messy blonde hair, and blue eyes.
"Yeah..." I said, unsure of how to justify stranding over him so creepily.
"This keeps happening," he groaned, sitting further up." I wake up to you staring at me in my sleep."
I stifle the laugh that tries to escape my lips, as I sit beside him. In response he holds the blanket up, allowing me to cover up as well.
"Thanks.." I whisper out, as we both sit facing each other.
"Wanna talk about it?" He asked, slowly, his eyes still squinting. I pause, not offering an answer to his question, I wasn't sure what exactly he knew.
"I'm just overwhelmed.." I respond after a long beat of silence, my mind flashes to the journal and I somewhere deep down I long to tell him. I couldn't though, it'd be too much.
"Understandable." He says, with a solid nod. "Anything I can do to make things easier for you?"
"I don't wanna be alone." My voice is barely loud enough to hear, and I refuse to look him in the eyes as I answer truthfully.
I feel the couch move slightly and the next thing I know, I'm being pulled into him, as he wraps his arms around me tightly.
"We're all here for you Alice, no one wants you to do this on your own."
I feel my eyes well up at his words as I sink further into his embrace, just allowing myself to be held at this point.
I feel so... safe.
"You have to let us in." With each word he speaks, his chest rumbles in my ear, and my world begins to shake more and more.
"I don't know how." I sob out, burying my face in his shirt, and clutching the fabric tightly in my hands.
My outburst of emotions seems to catch him by surprise, as he stays silent and just begins to lightly rock us back and forward.
I couldn't get myself to stop crying. It was a different kind though, this wasn't a panic attack.. more of a release.
"What did you do?" I hear Ashton ask, his voice also thick with sleep, followed by his quickly paced footsteps.
"We were just talking.. I don't really know.." He responds, sounding very worried. I laugh out amidst the tears at his concern, and pull myself back up, regaining composure.
When I finally look around, Luke's sitting in front of me, looking somewhat distraught. Meanwhile Ashtons kneeled down beside the couch next to us, but his face was unreadable.
I contemplate for a moment, trying to decide if this was worth telling them..
My biggest fear was that it'd be more than they could handle, the final straw if you will.
"I have something to show you guys."