I've officially lost my mind.
I know I've been trying to fight it, but this morning just proves that I've already lost it and there's nothing much to do except embrace it. I'm walking up to the Auden's front porch, where the Auden's dog is sitting there waiting for me, and here my heart is going a hundred miles an hour for no reason. My palms are sweaty and I even got the nervous shakes like I do when Avery is nearby.
Then there's that wolf. She looks bigger than she did a couple days ago, but it could just be that I haven't seen her in a while. Her coat looks more filled in. Scarier... stronger, maybe. I don't know.
All I do know is that as I'm walking up to that damn house that wolf is staring right at me and the only thought bouncing around in my head like a ping pong ball is that Avery is here.
So, I've concluded I've lost my mind.
God damnit, the hair on my arms is even standing on end. Goosebumps flew over my skin like the finale of a fireworks show. Pop, pop, pop, shhhhhh, pop, pop! That's how I felt inside. Bursting with joy and giddiness.
"Hi, missy," I said, coming all the way up to the porch to get the dog. I scratched behind her ears and under her chin and I never smiled so wide at all the happy noises coming from a dog. It makes you feel good when animals like you. Makes me feel special, at least.
"You ready for a run?" I asked. Then, I noticed the weirdest thing.
My eyes flicked down to her right paw and tied around her leg was a bracelet. Not just any bracelet, no, I've seen that green, knotted bracelet before. Yesterday, the whole walk home, it tickled my wrist as I was holding Avery's hand. I stared at it for a while, then touched it and pinched the darn thing between my fingers just to make sure it was real.
When I looked up at the dog she was staring at me so intently, so deeply, I really thought there could be a human behind those eyes. Then I turned away and tried to make sense of it in my head. Did Avery tie her bracelet onto her dog? Why would she do that?
"...Let's go," I said, looking over my shoulder and ushering the dog with my hand. There was a grunt and a frustrated whine that came out of the dog. Like that sound dogs make when their toy gets stuck in a place they can't reach. I looked at her again and I swear she was scowling. I swear on my life that dog was scowling, as if she were trying to tell me something and I just wasn't understanding.
I pinched my arm. Maybe I'm dreaming. It makes sense, right? To be dreaming. But no, that pinch hurt, so I knew this was real life.
Good grief, get me out of here! Just let me go for a normal run where only normal things happen and my head doesn't spin like a top trying to make sense of all these weird things!
I started for the path in the woods wether that wolf-dog followed me or not.
I felt different today. More alive. Like the world had been singing to me my whole life and I just started to listen. Looking at those big, towering redwoods was like looking at my home. They called me to them, whispering, lulling, humming in a language I'm now finally able to understand.
I reached the edge of the forest and it hit me. This new yet familiar feeling. Right as I crossed the line from the pavement to the dirt path, all I wanted to do was take my shoes off. I wanted to feel the dirt in between my toes. The leaves in my hair. The earth against my bare skin.
A gust of wind came towards me and tickled my nose. It brought smells of fresh water and clean air. I closed my eyes and absorbed the aroma into every corner of my body.
Avery's dog came and nudged my thigh. She was taller, I'm sure of it. It was almost scary how much bigger the dog had grown. Her head was up to my belly-button now. She must've grown a foot overnight, there's no way.
I placed my hand on her head, running my thumb in the crease where her ear met her skull. I don't know what came over me. I slipped my shoes off without a second thought.
The minute my bare feet touched the dirt, this chill shot right down my spine and sprawled down my arms. I curled my toes. Mulch and leaves squeezed through the gaps in between my toes. I felt mother nature in me. She was holding me tight in her arms, warm like a blanket fresh out of the dryer.
I left my shoes there by the mouth of the path and took off running. I was running and running and running. I passed the root I tripped over, the way to the lake, then further to parts of the forest I've never been. I was running so fast the wind was stinging my eyes, making them all teary and red on the edges, but I didn't care.
I was flying!
I didn't have to stop to catch my breath. I didn't have to stop because my side was getting a stitch. I didn't have to stop because my feet were hurting. I didn't have to stop at all. I could go for miles and miles.
Right next to me, keeping the same pace as me, was the Auden's dog. She kept yipping and howling softly. I could feel her excitement, her curiosity. I felt it the way I can feel Avery.
Then, this really strange thought crossed my mind.
Is that Avery?
As soon as I thought it, my face fell and I lost my momentum and had to stop and stare at the dog for a moment. My heart flashed in my chest. I felt hollow while anxiety clenched my stomach in an iron fist. I felt my heartbeat in my neck. Panicked and scared.
I kept blinking 'cause, you know, what the hell? I don't know what made me think that. That's not real. I know some strange things have been happening but that's way too out there.
The dog was staring at me with its head down. Not in a guilty way, in an apprehensive way. I don't know what that look meant, but then I started thinking I was reading too far into it.
I started laughing.
I couldn't help it. I started laughing and looking back at the unfamiliar part of the path we were on and realized I just ran a hell of a long time and I didn't even need to stop! I turned forward again and all of a sudden my breath hitched in my throat.
"Oh my gosh," I mumbled. I walked a little further and the forest opened up into this wonderfully serene clearing. It looked like a fairy garden. Moss was all over tree stumps, long grass whistled in the wind, filling in the dirt in between the trees, and right smack in the middle was this old rustic, red picnic table.
I squinted as I entered the clearing. Little pink flowers poked through the ground cover like weeds. The grass was dry under the pads of my feet. Avery's dog bounded forward, twirling and rolling around in the grass like she's been here a thousand times.
Walking up to the table I noticed a box underneath it. I knelt down and found just another thing to add to my list of weird things that happen around here. It was a wooden crate, a flimsy one that would hold produce or eggs or something that you find at farmers markets. Inside were clothes. Not nice clothes, just old t-shirts and sweatpants and shorts and stuff, but still clothes.
I picked up the t-shirt on top and held it out to look at it, but as I shook it out I smelled pine trees and a sea breeze. The smell that wraps me in a world without worries. The scent I know all too well because it's Avery's. I brought the shirt to my nose and inhaled it. My heart fluttered. The wolf-dog came over and sat near me, watching me carefully.
"This is Avery's," I said. "I know that smell anywhere." Then, I turned and the dog cocked her head to the side. "Why does Avery have a box of clothes out here?" And I looked again at the bracelet hanging around the wolf's wrist and back at the box of clothes and my heart started racing again. Racing out of adrenaline and probably a little fear, but to my own thoughts I replied, "No. No, that can't be. No way." And I put the shirt back in the box and pushed it back under the table.
"We should get going, huh? How far have we even gone?" I pulled my wrist up to check my fitness watch and my eyes almost bulged out of my skull. "Holy shit!" I really couldn't believe it. "We've gone three miles!"
The dog howled and twirled around and wagged her tail like she was celebrating with me. I don't know how I pulled this stamina out of my ass but I think I really could run another three back home. No walking at all!
I turned to start for the path again but I heard a snort from the brush behind me. I froze and whipped around, not really sure what to do. The fear crawling up my spine was the same I felt when the Auden's dog first crossed my path. The dog's tail was wagging, though, and I had something in my head telling me to relax, that there's no danger here, but how could I?! Something was approaching while I'm three miles deep into the woods! The only thing I could picture in my head was that rabid fox poster from the corner store.
There was a whine of some sort and some huffs and light growls as this little wolf jumped into the clearing with markings similar to the Auden's dog. I blinked, hard, and watched the Auden's dog run up and start rubbing her nose down the side of this new wolf. They started making the same noises at each other and I didn't know what to do. It looked like they were friends but this isn't my dog. Do I let her play with a random wolf that just came out of the trees?!
The Auden's dog was about twice the size of this new one. She could obliterate this other wolf if she wanted to, so I wasn't really that worried about it, but I just... I shouldn't let her play with wild animals, right? I need to somehow get her home. I don't want to be responsible for getting someone else's dog hurt. God damnit! Why can't the Auden's use a leash?!
"Hey, okay, come on, we got to go," I pleaded. Then I watched in horror as the two started to play. The little one grabbed the foot of the Auden's dog in its mouth and they began to wrestle. "Oh, christ."
They tumbled and growled and huffed until I finally gained the courage to go over there and try to break it up. As soon as I got within five feet of this new wolf, though, it sprang to it's feet and started snarling at me. Real nasty, with it's teeth barred and slimy saliva dripping from it's fangs like it was going to eat me.
I nearly fainted. My heart started slamming in my chest a mile a minute and I scrambled behind the picnic table so fast I could've been an olympic track star. The Auden's dog whipped in between us and growled so loud the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. The little wolf cowered and slunk back into the woods. Then the Auden's dog spun around and sat down with her tail wagging, looking very proud.
"Please, come on, let's go home now," I whispered. I wanted to give it more as a command, but my voice was just barely able to squeak that out. My god, that was scary. I don't know if I can run home. My legs feel like jello and my knees are quivering so bad I can barely stand up. I really thought I was about to get eaten. I really did.
I jumped a couple times and shook out my limbs, trying to get the residing fear to go away so I could run home. Don't get me wrong, I love these woods. I love being in them, I love exploring them, I love the way the ground feels under my feet. What I don't love is that I can't defend myself. Or, I feel like I can't. I feel powerless against all these animals I meet and that makes me apprehensive to keep coming in these woods. Thank god I have the Auden's dog with me. I at least feel safer knowing she'll protect me.
"Please don't scare me like that again," I said, looking to the dog. "I don't want you to end up like Logan, with that giant gash in his arm. I know he—"
The dog stopped dead in the middle of the path. I felt this wave, like an invisible wall, hit my back and absorb into my spine. It cracked something open in me and I heard a feminine voice.
"What?" it said.
I stopped in my tracks. I turned towards the dog, slowly, with my eyes wide and my heart beating just as fast as it had when that wolf snarled at me. Keating's words flew about my brain like a broken record, asking if I had heard a voice in my head. She had asked it like it was the most normal thing in the world. Hearing voices talking to you in your head. Holy hell, am I schizophrenic?
"What?" I asked back. That couldn't have been real. The dog had her tail in between her legs, staring at me without blinking, the same way I was staring at her. Then, she took off. We had only ran a mile but she took off so fast, straight into the trees, leaving me two-miles deep into the woods alone.
I gulped, hard, and my eyes teared up at the dryness I tried to swallow. I was frozen in place, my eyes darting around to my surroundings, scared to shit that a wolf or rabid fox was going to leap out at me any second.
Without even thinking about it, I started running. No, I was sprinting. As fast as I could down the path, my bare feet kicking up dirt as I tore down it, hoping to get out of these woods as fast as I humanly could.
I kept hearing sounds and they made my heart jump out of rhythm. I didn't want to look, I didn't want to try to find out what kind of creature was near me, I just ran and ran.
When I reached the edge of the woods I nearly collapsed. I have never ran that fast in my entire life. I've never gone two miles straight sprinting as fast as I could go in my entire life. And, to the logical side of my brain, it seems almost impossible I was able to run six miles at all when I was barely able to go one just three days ago.
I looked back at the path into the woods, trying to figure out if all of that crap was real or if I had a mental episode and had imagined everything. But then I looked at my feet and they were dirty and scratched up a bit from twigs I had stepped on and I knew everything that happened this morning was as real as the blood gushing in my veins.
I kind of expected to go into a daze. The way I was when that huge bird flew over my head or how I acted while walking to the party, before meeting Avery. Or even how I felt early yesterday. When Keating said that thing at the corner store.
But I felt good. I felt aware and inside my body and strong. My head felt clear. Aware and clear. I grabbed my shoes and looked toward the Auden's porch, and there was Avery, standing next to a very angry-looking Logan, inspecting his arm as he sat in a deck chair.
"Hey!" I called as I jogged over to them. Avery looked up and smiled immediately. "I'm really sorry, your, uh, your dog ran off into the woods. I don't know where she went. I couldn't stop her. I could go look for her if you want, I don't really know what to do?"
Avery laughed, "she's fine. Sorry if she gave you a scare." Her eyes held mine and said words unspoken. I pinched my brow together. I didn't quite know what that look meant. I opened my mouth to ask, but Jo came onto the porch with some kind of mortar and pestle bowl full of a green goop.
"What is that?" I asked. Jo spread it all over Logan's forearm. He wasn't looking at any of us. He was scowling, staring into the woods like we were the most annoying people on the planet.
"Motherwort and white willow bark," Jo replied promptly. Yeah, I didn't really know how to react to that one. Is that why Logan wouldn't see a doctor? Because this family is one of those all-natural medicinal families?
"It's not as weird as it seems," Avery added. I looked at her with no expression at all, then shook my head.
"Oh, I'm sure. No judging here," I smiled. Though, I was in fact judging a little bit.
"You sit still, you mutt! How could you not tell me about this?!" I turned my head to look at Jo, because she is the one who said that, I'm sure of it, but her lips weren't moving.
"Sorry, did you say something?" I asked, blinking. Jo turned towards me with her eyes held wide open. She darted a look at Avery, then smiled at me.
"No, dear, I didn't say anything. Must've been the wind," Jo chuckled. I clicked my tongue, ready to protest, but I heard it again.
"Can you hear me?" That was Avery. I looked at her and her mouth hadn't moved an inch. I could physically feel all the color drain from my face.
I'm sleep walking. I'm so exhausted I'm sleep walking. That's got to be it.
"I have to get home," I said quickly, and I ran from the Auden's so fast I nearly tripped over my own two feet.
I don't know why I got the urge to turn around. I didn't want to, but I did anyway, and I nearly tripped again. Avery wasn't facing me. Her back was to me and I had to squint to see it, but then I saw it, and I had to blink a few times because I couldn't believe it.
My head went all foggy.
Right on the back of Avery's head, tangled in her hair, was a long blade of grass and one of those tiny pink flowers from the clearing.