𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 9: Letting it out
Syre
Los Angeles, 𝐂𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐚
June 12th, 10:24 am
❣︎
It's either the streets or the law that's gon get you eventually, no matter the cause behind it. Could be word of mouth or a planned attack, that goes for both of 'em gangs. And it don't matter who you are, status only get you a bigger target than what you already got, learnt that the hard way. But regardless of knowing this, the rush of it don't never stop. The thought that you playing a cat and mouse game only make you go harder, make you want that shit even more.
Eventually, you get addicted. You crave that feeling of adrenaline that go through you soon as you pull that trigger and watch that body drop, smell the blood that reeks with the longer they leak out in front of you. It's that sight of they eyes stunned open just staring at you, lifeless, that power of taking another life. The sound of them taking that last breath, watching it happen in front of you.
In that moment, you ain't thinking bout nobody else. Not family, not kids, especially not a bitch who home wide awake and crying cause you just missed her 15th phone call. She sitting up watching the red, white, and blue mixing colors of the ambulance and police cars racing down the street right past her house. Going in the same direction you just told her you was gon be at, and suddenly her mind roaming wondering what side of the gun you stand on.
Every lil nigga, from Compton to Long Beach, done been exposed to ways of living and surviving round here. Cause that's what it is, survival. I live comfortably now, ain't catching me on no corner selling shit, but that just make the target on my back even greater. You can't be the best if someone already in that position, and the only way to be the best is to get ahead of who already got that title and position. You get second place in a race, you still the loser. You get a shot in at a shoot out but catch one to the head, you still a corpse.
I had dreams for myself from young, but it wasn't those normal dreams these other kids got. Wasn't no NBA or NFL dream, didn't have nothing to do with fame but everything to do with fortune. I wanted to be where I'm at since a lil kid, I wanted to run all this shit and put blood sweat and tears into that shit. Except the tears stopped, the sweat lessened, and it became just blood. But not mine.
Yet even if it was, death didn't scare me, that shit was inevitable no matter who you are. I lost a countless amount of niggas at the hands of a bullet, maybe a knife, sometimes from the fists of another nigga. Had to stand by mothers staring down at they sons caskets, crying over the lifeless body that was gone in the snap of a finger.
That's what scared me. One of those mommas one day being mine, and her having to stare down into a casket her son laid in. My kids having to walk past and wave goodbye to they pops. The only woman, outside of my momma, who ever had my heart having to watch me get lowered into the ground.
I stared down at that last sentence, rereading until the door of the secluded room came opening. My head raised from the journal to trail up the long brown legs of the body who came strutting in with an entitlement only she knew to keep up.
"We missed you." She leant down, pressing a small peck against my lips before sitting down on the bench right across. My face twisted up at her tacky lip gloss that stuck to my lips.
"Don't kiss me with that shit on." I mumbled, using my thumb to wipe it off just as Xyden came around the table to give me a hug. "Wassup lil man?"
"Hey pops." He smiled, before sitting down next to me with his tablet he set on the table.
My eyes lingered on him for a minute, watching how quiet he got so fast. Him and Malani were complete opposites. Xyden was a lot more reserved, barely talked, barely played with his cousins despite being around their age. Malani was the youngest out of everyone by some years, and she was the most talkative and out there child I ever met.
Shaking my head, I turned my focus back towards his mother whose low eyes read one thing. Lust.
Cheyanna, turned herself into a wannabe hood princess but had to settle for being a hood hoe. Common shit for a girl who came straight from Beverly Hills thinking she was rebelling against her parents by running around with boys she wasn't supposed to be with.
"Nigga you hogging the fucking ball, come on!" I jumped at Leon who smacked his teeth.
"Man I'm done, need a break." He sighed, bouncing the ball back to go towards the bench. Smacking my lips, I stepped over the ball to follow him and the rest of 'em towards the area that was crowded with nothing but girls all around.
It was the usual, every Saturday afternoon everyone was outside. The shorties came to watch us play, and niggas came to make plays or hoop. I came to do both.
My eyes scanned around the girls who stared unapologetically. I took in each one with a small smile until landing on the one who stood off to the side with another group of girls. Her eyes were the ones that caught my attention.
"Yo, who that shorty right there?" I tapped Leon quickly, nudging my head in her direction once he turned his head.
He looked until locking in on the petite brow skin girl who stood with biker shorts and a graphic tee. Pink dunks covered her feet, matching the pink bow in her hair that kept her curly ponytail tight in the middle of her head.
"Man Harmony gon beat yo ass." Leon chuckled, making my eyebrows knit together.
"For? She the one who said she don't want no relationship. I'm single nigga." I laughed, choosing not to wait on him to make my way towards her.
She watched me, and with the closer I got, she broke away from her friends to meet me halfway. She walked with a certain strut of confidence, like she was the only girl there. She didn't look to either side of her, paying no mind to anyone else until she stood directly in front of me.
"You a bold one huh, ain't even let a nigga get to you." I raised an eyebrow, tilting my head at her lightly.
I watched her lips turn up into a smile before a small giggle left her lips. "No point making you walk when I know what you want." She shrugged, bringing amusement to me.
"What's yo name, Ian ever seen gou round hea." Everyone in our area of Compton knew each other in some sort of way. It was the run down parts.
"Cheyanna, and I'm not from here. I'm from the Hills, but my parents sent me down here with my aunt for the Summer." She smiled, and I slowly nodded just hearing that preppy proper talk. Knowing she wasn't from round here.
My eyes lingered on her, just taking in her appearance. She held a certain confidence I wasn't used to, and it intrigued me even more. On top of the fact she wasn't a common face which meant she was fresh bait.
She ain't change a bit. Might've only got finer, but that did nothing for her tapped mentality that never changed. She was always just a bird and driven by a certain lifestyle, wanted to live it. And I gave her the golden key to all that shit for years, until everything just stopped. Until Makayla came into the picture, and easily she was swapped out for another bitch.
"He been seeing his sister?" I nodded my head towards Xyden who clearly tuned us both out with his headphones in.
Scoffing, Cheyanna turned her head to the side before looking back at me. "That bitch you call a baby mother took my son away from his father, you think I care about my child seeing her offspring?" She raised an eyebrow, making my eyes lower down in slits. "And this the same bitch you claimed was better than me, but got you in jail while she roams freely." She rolled her eyes.
I stared at her blankly for a minute, watching that serious expression on her face until my lips parted in a chuckle. I ain't expect nothing less out this bitch, especially not now she had to walk the same streets as Amerie. It went from her being the only woman out there associated with me, to Amerie coming back and word around town spreading like wildfire.
"I'd go back to her time and time again before I ever make yo ass my girl ever again, she still better than you." I smiled despite her downturned lips not matching my expression.
Shaking her head, Cheyanna crossed her legs over one another with her hands stacked above the metal table. "She really got you wrapped around her finger, so much to where you gave her a fucking kid. I still can't believe-."
"Imma advise you to stop there, cause I would hate to knock yo ass out in front my son for speaking on my daughter. Ion give a fuck who you are, watch ya mouth."
"The way you put that little girl before Xyden is ridiculous, I bet a million dollars you don't defend my sons name like you do that girl." She spat.
And she wondered why shit between us didn't work, this the type of woman she chose to be. This the type of bitch she believed deserved anything more than a quick nut. This the type of bitch she believed deserved to be respected as a woman with the mentality of a little ass girl.
"Ion put either of them before the other, the difference is I got to have this same conversation with you every single time you here cause you tryna beef with a fucking 1 year old. Ion have these conversations with Amerie, cause she grown enough to not be tryna fight with a kid. Both of y'all old enough, but she the only one out the two of you who got the smallest right cause Xy came in the middle of our relationship. But you? You just delusional." My words hit her, the way her breath hitched being noticeable.
Taking a deep breath, Cheyanna squeezed her eyes shut before popping them back open. "At the end of the day, you had a baby by another woman when you promised-."
"Yes, I had a baby by my girl at the time. When two people are in a relationship, it ain't no unheard of ass thing when the woman gets pregnant when y'all having unprotected sex everyday. Hence how I have a daughter." I spoke slow so her dumbass could catch everything.
I didn't have the patience or the energy to be going back and forth right now, especially not with her about something as dumb as my daughter. It was about to be 2 years of her, 2 years since me and Amerie broke up. Wasn't nothing to still talk about.
"I had your first daughter." Cheyanna folded her arms with a look on her face of some sort of achievement.
My jaw clenched naturally, the urge to wipe that look off her face only growing stronger at her words. She knew what she was doing, that exact game she was playing.
"No, you killed my first daughter." I spoke calmly as those past moments and memories began to flood my mind. "Amerie had my first and only daughter, I ain't bout to do this shit with you dude-."
"Okay but-."
"Ain't no fucking buts, but nothing. You beefing with a baby who had both her parents locked up since she was a month old, she ain't even have the privilege of one parent being home with her and you mad Ian have Xy here every week? You his fucking momma, Kimora my daughter God mother, not even blood, and always had my lil one up here. Amerie injured and just got out, and already had Lani here and coming again Saturday. Ion see my son cause you ain't bringing him, Ian tryna hear that shit G." I waved off, choosing to tune her out.
"King-."
"Xy, come on we finna go outside." I tapped him. He excitedly nodded before jumping up to run ahead of me, leaving his momma where she was sitting.
⋆┈┈⋆ ˚ ° ஐ ° ˚⋆┈┈⋆
"Wassup boy, how you been?" Looking up, I furrowed my eyebrows watching my dad walking in. I never did the double visitors thing cause it was never allowed, always just one per day.
"Straight." I shrugged, leant up against the wall behind me. "Hell you doing here?" I tilted my head with the closer he got.
My confusion only grew seeing the blunt that hung from his mouth. My father had connections on top of connections, a lot that made no sense cause ion know who was letting him through with that. Especially something so loud I could smell since he stepped into the room.
"Fuck you mean what I'm doing here, visiting you boy what the hell." He paused, looking taken back as he took a pull from the blunt. "We going outside though, ya uncle said I can't have this inside." He nudged his head towards one of the exit doors guarded by 2 officers.
I huffed a breath out, but followed behind him anyways before he got to complaining. My hands shoved into the pockets of the navy sweatpants I wore, watching my dad say something to the officers before the door went opening. They kept it open for both of us, before following us outside to lean up against the door the same way before.
I scanned around the foreign area. There was only one table out here, and the little area was secluded in by tall electric fencing. I took the opposite side of the picnic table across from my father, just watching him.
"What you really here for? Ain't no need to go beating round the bush." I broke the silence, just as he pulled the blunt away to exhale the thick cloud of smoke into the air.
Twisting his lips to the side, he held the blunt out that I ain't hesitate to accept and nestle between my lips. I inhaled slowly, allowing the drugs to immediately course through my system. The strength in it told me enough that it was my own product, the purest.
"How you been?" He spoke casually, bringing a chuckle out my mouth through the smoke I exhaled.
"I mean it's jail nigga, you just in here surviving. It ain't like it's peaches and rainbows, you know that shit. I got to see my kids on a scheduled manner, once a week if even while I'm in here fighting mental shit. Back doing what I used to do, getting by." I shrugged, watching my dad release a heavy breath while grabbing the blunt from me.
"If you mentally fucked, what you in here doing to that girl to have her fucked up the way you do? And why are you choosing to mentally cause havoc on the woman raising your daughter?" There it was, the real reason for all this shit and his random pop up.
Chuckling, I shrugged lazily cause if I had to go in depth with that shit we'd be here all day. "Cause it's fun, fuck that bitch." I waved off, watching his face drop.
"Syre-."
"Bro, Ian gon keep having this same conversation with everyone. Ion give a fuck bout Amerie, she might've thought shit was cool when I was still fucking her in here but she was a nut. Nothing more, nothing less." I kept it short, feeling that judgement and disappointment in his stare. "Why should I care bout her mental when she don't give a fuck bout mine, it go both ways. Y'all just only care to see her point of view in shit between us." I shrugged, seeing his face turn up in confusion.
He parted his lips to ghost the smoke of the blunt with his eyes staying on me. "You understand you have the rest of your life with this same woman, correct? You got to go home, and go to her house to see your child son. You need to care bout her mental health if you want a healthy environment for the baby." He explained.
"I understand that, but that ain't changing what I feel towards her-."
"Syre-."
"Y'all don't fucking get it." I squeezed my eyes shut, controlling the breathing that started quickening out of frustration. "Nigga I'm hurt, y'all baby and coddle her and understand where she coming from always. But just cause I ain't shedding no tears and confusing myself, it somehow ain't valid." I shook my head.
"Y'all think I wanted to lose her? You think I want to feel this shit towards her? Niggas up and arms cause she hurt and was in love, I feel the same shit but y'all don't give a damn. I lied to her and I took accountability for that shit, but my lie ain't do a damn thing but save her. I did that shit to protect her and motherfuckers who don't even know the full story tryna tell me sum." I paused to take another deep breath, all them emotions coming up unwillingly.
"She shot me 3 times pops, she had the intention to fucking kill me. When she realized I was alive, she took my life in any other way she could by stripping that freedom. The shit she did to me was pure malicious, the shit I did to her was out of love." I finished, squeezing my eyes shut again to control that heavy breathing.
This was why I chose not to explain myself, and let everyone feel and think however they wanted. I ain't want to bring back up those emotions to dwell on cause they held no benefit to me. It wasn't nothing but another way to fuck up my mental whenever I had to think about her in a relationship sense. And voice the fact I did love her, and all that shit was gone now.
Sighing, my dad adjusted his hat while sitting up. "Y'all both hurt, and understandably so and y'all both refusing to just hear each other out. Yall loved each other, and it's fucked up cause y'all couldn't choose the families you came from but that was a forbidden type love. Shit wasn't supposed to happen-."
"But it did, and you let that shit happen, and I got to live with them consequences. I got to carry that weight of that shit, not nobody else and youn see how fucked up that is my nigga? There was a time I would buy her the Earth if she wanted it, y'all don't understand and that's what pisses me off cause she don't fucking understand either and she don't want to." I chuckled, bringing my hands down my face.
"And I can take accountability and apologize to you for that. It was selfish on my part, letting y'all run wild and just going without them restrictions or letting y'all know. I can sit and talk to her myself if it makes anything better." He suggested, but I shook my head no.
"Nah, we grown. Don't need a parent playing mediator. It is what it is, just a dead relationship and we can keep it moving." I shrugged, although he clearly ain't like that answer.
But there wasn't nothing else to say. There wasn't nothing to keep arguing about and trying to explain when it was a dead end every time. Cause I wasn't getting deep into that shit, and letting all them feelings loose to somebody who wouldn't care to listen.
"Listen, if Amerie want to talk we can talk. When she ready to hear me out, we can talk. But them words don't mean shit when nothing gon change, and I can assure you of that."
Amerie
"Do they not take you to the grocery store or something? Why are you refusing to put your feet in?" I sighed tiredly at Malani who scooted her feet up every time I tried to pull them through the holes of the cart.
"I want walk." She whined, scooting her body up again attempting to stand. I squeezed my eyes shut briefly to inhale a sharp deep breath, keeping that constant reminder to just have patience with her because she didn't understand.
All of this was so new, for both of us. It was a learning process every single day to really get to know one another, because the sad reality was that we just didn't. She came from me, she had my blood, I pushed her out, but that didn't change the fact I'd been property of the state of California for 2 years now. And no amount of visits could ever allow me to get to know my daughter in the ways she deserved.
And the biggest thing I've learned so far, was patience. You can give back a niece or a nephew, but that wasn't the case with your own. "Baby I understand, but I can't be holding onto you and trying to pick up everything that I need at the same time. You want someone snatching you up?" I spoke calmly despite her whining and twisting.
"I don't want sit!" She screamed, making the people leaving out of the store glance our way.
Raising an eyebrow, I grasped her arm to bring her body closer to mine while keeping her in the cart. "Malani if I have to tell you sit down again, when we go home you're going straight to bed and won't be going with your cousins tomorrow. When I tell you to do something you listen, so sit down for me unless you want me to call your daddy." I pointed, watching her watery eyes widen before letting go of her.
Another thing I learned, you had to be stern with them, no matter how bad it made you feel. Because seeing her little face turn down as her tears fell did hurt, made me want to take her out and just let her walk. But kids weren't dumb, and she especially wasn't dumb when it came to getting what she wanted.
Sniffling, she held her hands out with her palms opening and closing. "I want talk to dada." She spoke quietly.
Sighing, I don't even know why I brought him up knowing how she got. The child adored her father more than life itself, especially with the fact her time with him was always limited.
"If you want to talk to him then stay sitting." I raised an eyebrow, watching her lips purse in a pout, but she finally just listened with no back talk.
Releasing a breath of relief, I shuffled through my purse for my phone and went straight to the unsaved number he called from. I stared down at my reflection through the FaceTime camera, watching the woman who stared back at me that quickly got replaced with the face of the man I dreaded seeing.
His eyes stared into the phone with a look that made my stomach turn, a certain look in them that I couldn't even identify. But it didn't look friendly, it just looked so gone. He stared with lowered red glossy eyes, showing clear intoxication except they had a touch of sinister in them.
"You can't just be calling me-."
"Your daughter wants to talk to you." I spoke, before handing the phone to Malani as we finally started our way through the grocery store. I'd rather not hear the voice of that man right now, but whatever would keep her distracted enough for me to do what I got to do and go.
I hated grocery shopping more than anything, it was just too overwhelming. The second I stepped foot into the Aldi's, my eyes scanned around at everything.
"What happened boo?" Syre's voice filled our space once Malani put her face in the camera.
"Mama say- mama make me sit." She pouted up at him with her bottom lip hung. Raising an eyebrow, I chose to ignore her to focus on what I needed to pick up because I wasn't arguing with a 1 year old. Especially not my 1 year old child who could barely complete a full sentence where every word was correct grammatically.
I heard Syre chuckle before some shuffling on his end. "In the cart princess?" He asked, making me shake my head because just hearing it back sounded foolish.
Fought with her for at least 10 minutes just for that.
"Yes." She spoke quietly as she cut her eyes up to glare at me. My chin tucked before I laughed at her genuinely thinking she was doing something.
"Stay mad, keep yo ass sitting too." I pointed, watching her frown only deepen while she looked to her daddy for help. But he didn't do anything but laugh.
I tuned them out to focus on all the groceries I needed to pick up. I wasn't anywhere close to being healed, but my method of drugs and pressure was working perfectly fine which led to letting everyone in the house go. I didn't want to rely on those people, nor could I spend another day with a bunch of strangers in my home.
That also meant the house was empty of groceries. Remi offered to have someone just shop for me, but I denied the help. But that only meant I had to walk around with security, one random man followed me around in the store while being driven by multiple others.
"What fruits do you want mama?" I interrupted Malani who raised her head up at me, before leaning over to stare down at the fruits.
"Everything!" She jumped in the seat excitedly.
I stared at her tiredly, but chose to pick up the basic fruits. I grabbed grapes, strawberries, cherries, apples, bananas, watermelon, and anything else they had that I liked or seen Malani eat before.
I did the same with the vegetables, just picking up anything either of us liked. I didn't shop much before jail because Syre had people get my groceries, despite me fighting him on it. But he wasn't hearing it, which meant I hadn't been in a grocery store doing a deep shop in years.
"Damn mama, who got to yo fine ass before I did-."
"Aye chill, this King baby momma. The one he was with for a minute." My head whipped around from the meat to see two younger boys. They couldn't be any older than 20, but they were possibly teenagers with the way the kids these days grew.
I stared blankly at the one whose eyes quickly widened out with pure fear. His dark skin nearly looked to be pigmented red. "Oh shit, ma fault miss. You and your little one have a good day." He waved, before scurrying off with his friend.
I rolled my eyes. 'King's baby momma,' it's what I'd be known as forever around here. It amazed me how you could work so hard to become your own person and do things for yourself, yet it was so easy to be lessened to just the title of a man you're associated with.
'King,' the infamous drug lord who ran the streets of California. Sold to every town and borough, becoming possibly the wealthiest drug dealer in history with how long his money was. A man so many niggas envied and so many bitches would kill to be seen around, let alone be his baby momma.
Your life was made, whether you had your shit together or not. Have his baby, you don't have to step into someone's workplace ever again. He cared for his children, cared for their well-being and lifestyle, and he made sure they were living as good as he was.
"Who the fuck was that?" Syre's voice sounded while I grabbed wings from off the fridge shelf to toss in the cart.
"Some random little boys." I waved off, glancing down to watch him nod just as a female officer entered his cell. "27 and fine, aunty still got it." I muttered, looking down at myself.
"Fine as hell, when you gon come see me alone? I'm starting to miss you." Syre smirked as if Malani wasn't sitting there looking between us clearly confused.
He speaks like he doesn't have another woman right there.
"In your delusional ass dreams baby." I mumbled, grabbing a pack of chicken breast to also place in the cart. "Lani what else do you want-."
"That one would've hurt if these delusional ass dreams ain't gon have you giving it up soon as I'm out. Might give Lani a lil sibling, do things like last time." He smirked into the screen, my eyes catching that facial expression that sent a certain heat through my body.
He was so cocky and arrogant and that's what I hated, that's what made me the most upset. I was so over everything else, tired of the back and forth and arguing. The way he prided himself on having so much power and possession over me and my body is what made me upset over anything else.
"You're actually psychotic to even allow the thought of me giving you another child to enter your mind." I spoke quietly, but loud enough for him to hear as I pushed the cart towards another aisle.
I made funny faces at Malani the entire time to keep her distracted. She didn't need to hear her parents going back and forth, whether she understood what it was we were saying or not. If she couldn't make out the words completely, I knew she could make out emotion and it was like that since she was a small baby.
"I got two fine ass baby mommas and y'all both dumbass birds. Wow." Syre smiled, making me huff out a heavy breath.
This is the man you cry over every night Amerie
Shaking my head, I chose to ignore him to focus all of my attention on Malani. He just wasn't worth everything that I gave him, and no matter how many times I reminded myself of that, he still got so much of my time and attention. So much of my emotions and anger.
"What do you want for dinner honeybun?" I smiled to Malani who cheesed back at me.
"Mmmm dada?" She looked down to the phone with her small finger tapping her chin. What mama should make?" She asked, making me roll my eyes discreetly.
The child would never let me exist without this man.
"Ian even there mama." He spoke while I looked through the ice cream options. I settled on cookies and cream for me, and cotton candy for Malani, along with Chocolate and Vanilla for other days.
"But- help." She pursed her lips to her father.
"Ummm, you want spaghetti or sum?" He suggested, thankfully something quick and easy that she agreed to.
"And the ballies." She raised her hands excitedly.
"Meatballs Lani." I laughed, pressing a small kiss into her forehead. I thankfully had everything needed for spaghetti in the very full cart that was nearly overflowing, this being the second one because the first cart was full to capacity.
"Yes...I want the ballies- mama I ready go home." She tapped me anxiously with the phone lazily held as best as she could in her other hand.
"We're going to checkout now baby, I know." I gave her another kiss while turning the cart to follow the security to the checkout. We went into the line that only had one other person in front, I couldn't even imagine how much all this was about to ring up to.
"Father's Day coming up, what you doing for me baby momma?" I heard Syre's voice again. It was like he just didn't stop.
"The same thing you did for me, nothing." I scoffed, picking up a pack of gum to toss in the cart.
"Fuck I'm 'pose to do for you when you was locked up too? We was both in solitary confinement, we couldn't even talk." He spoke with attitude that wasn't fazing me. I doubted he would have done anything either way.
"I'll bring your daughter to come see you." I leant up against the cart, watching Malani who excitedly raised her head up towards me.
"We see dada?!" She yelled.
"In a couple days." I sighed, contemplating on letting her grandparents take her because I had no urge of seeing him. I tried, but I really needed time away from him.
Malani smiled, just as I pushed the cart once the person in front of us moved. I shuffled my body to the side to start piling stuff onto the conveyor belt.
"Candy...pwease." Malani pointed towards the pack of peanut M&M's.
"You're allergic to nuts baby, hold on." I grabbed the pack of regular M&Ms to hand to the lady checking us out. "Sorry, can you just check this please so I can give it to my daughter." I smiled politely at her, one that she returned.
"Yeah, of course." She scanned the candy before handing it back for me to open and give to Malani.
"Tanks." She spoke softly, making my bottom lip poke out.
"You have the cutest little voice, I can't believe you're mine sometimes." I sighed, pressing a small kiss into her forehead before focusing back on what I was doing.
Once I got through the first cart, I grabbed Malani out of the cart to place on my hip while stepping to the side. I tried to help the security guard, but holding a toddler and loading groceries at the same time was just too much.
"What you want for your birthday princess?" Syre continued speaking. They'd been on the phone for about 2 hours now since that's how long we'd been on the phone.
"Home...with mama." She smiled, shoving more candy into her mouth. Glancing down at the phone, I watched Syre rub at his goatee with his eyebrows knitted in confusion.
"You just tryna stay home?"
"No!" She shook her head while waving her finger and her head, hitting me right in the face with her curls. "You home." She pointed.
He slowly nodded with his back leant up against the wall. "Imma be home mama, very very very soon. I promise."
═ ∘♡༉∘ ═
"Hey sweetheart, how are you." She smiled, embracing me in a hug before I stepped to the side to allow her in.
"I've been fine, just trying to get myself together and everything." I sighed, following behind her towards the kitchen where I was trying to start cooking dinner. "Lani's taking a nap by the way, before you ask where Ms. Busybody is at." I smiled.
Nodding her head, my mom sat up against one of the kitchen island stools as she removed her coat and purse. She adjusted the hoodie she wore from the random temperature drop outside.
"What did y'all do today to have her so worn out, you know she fight back when it's time to sleep." She rolled her eyes, clearly traumatized from having to deal with that little girl.
She gave everyone absolute hell when she wanted because she was ridiculously spoiled. Malani got her way one way or another, no matter what. She either won, or a compromise happened where she still had some type of success.
"We just went grocery shopping, but when she came home the child was off the walls after I gave her some candy." I shook my head, watching as the water began to boil on the fire.
My mom chuckled, but didn't say anything. She didn't say anything for a while, but I could feel her eyes on me heavily. Just the comfort in her stare nearly brought me to tears, knowing she was reading everything with me.
"Talk to me, how have you really been?" Her smooth melodic voice spoke so calmly to me. My hands grasped the marble countertop tightly with my back turned towards her.
"...Going through it." I chuckled bitterly, the grip I held only tightening. "I've been doing terrible ma, and it's so embarrassing to still be going through the same stuff at this point in my life. Like I feel so stuck, I feel like everything in my life has just been reoccurring with nothing to show for it." I shook my head, finally building the courage to face her.
"What do you mean?" She propped her head up, leaning a little closer.
"I'm 27 now, I have a daughter who will be 2 in a couple weeks, I'm not even with my baby father, I don't have any type of job or income anymore- I'm just depressed. When I'm around Malani I can mask it so easily because she makes me the happiest, but when I get alone? All I do is cry momma, I just cry and cry and cry because I don't even know what my life is at this point." I stared down while trying to focus on the food.
"My entire life I've just been mistreated by men, stuck, and endured trauma on top of trauma. I went to jail for 2 years off of a night I can't even remember, I lost everything that night. Before that I learned my boyfriend, the man I gave a child to, lied to me for 3 years. 3 of my happiest years, I was so in love and just happy. On cloud nine with him, he made me feel things I never did before. I felt so safe and secure for once in my life and just for it to vanish so quickly? That's pain I haven't recovered from momma." I blinked quickly feeling the dreaded feeling of water build up in my eyes.
My mom reached over to place her hand on top of mine, stopping me from cutting to look up towards her. "You need to take this time and just heal Amerie. No men, no women, no sex, no anything. Only lord knows how much time you have before he comes home, but baby you have got to take the initiative to dig deep and just bring up everything."
Shaking my head, I could feel my heart rate quickening just thinking about it. The drumming of my heartbeat pounding in my ears. "That's my entire life worth of trauma and pain I- I can't do that-."
"You have a daughter now sweetheart, it's not just about you anymore. You still love the fuck out of Syre and I know you do, he still loves you too but y'all can't admit it-."
"Momma-."
"Amerie he has so much emotional control over you, and it's to where he's going to come home and you're gonna be the one begging for him back." She pointed, her voice never raising, tone never changing once. "You're going to ignore everything and carry on like nothing happened." She sighed what I knew to be the truth, and it hurt.
It was embarrassing having someone else be able to see right through everything. I worked so hard in those 3 years to get better after everything, believing I'd never for anything revert back to such a fucked mental state. Yet here I was, and I had to juggle a child, the man who got me to this point, and everything else that came with being an adult.
"I love that boy like a son, but he killed your parents, he had plans of killing you, he had an affair with your mother, he wiped out every bit of your family, and he lied to you. And I'm not reminding you of this because I don't believe he didn't love you, I believe he loved you a lot which is why you're still alive. But he shouldn't be able to have you so messed up and so needy when he had his wrongs that he barely acknowledges. You've been apologizing to him for 2 years now about a drugged night, what has he been doing?" She raised an eyebrow while standing up to come around the island.
"He's apologized before." I watched her, and mentally cursed myself as soon as the words left my mouth like second nature.
"You still taking up for him baby, you let him come back stock free after this, what more could he get away with? Do you want better for yourself, yes or no?" She leant up against the island next to me.
"Yes."
"So act like it. For once you have the opportunity to take control over your life. When he calls, you answer that phone and give it straight to Malani. When you visit, you sit away from them and only speak to say hello. He may be manipulative, emotionally fucking you over, and whatever else. But he also does care-."
"You're confusing me. Am I supposed to want him or not." I rubbed my temples.
Everyone did this. They talked about how fucked up his actions were, then turned around to just remind me about how much he "loved" and "cared" about me. But that didn't change the fact I just couldn't believe it, I didn't believe he loved me.
"You're supposed to figure that out for yourself. But before everything, you need to get yourself together. He did you wrong, but if you were to want him again after the fact that's on you. But right now you just need to get yourself together, and same goes for him. You both need to just focus on Syre and Amerie individually before there's ever even talk of Syre and Amerie together." She pointed with her arms extended out towards me.
I didn't hesitate to accept the much needed hug. The second she held onto me, I just melted in her hold feeling safe and comfortable.
"Thank you, so much." I whispered out, the tightening of her hug bringing nothing but peace and tranquility over my mind.
It wasn't what I wanted to hear, it was what needed to be heard. And it was what would ring in my mind over and over again.
❣︎
I know it's obvious by now that both of their past plays heavily into why they both act the way they act, especially with each other. So a lot of these next chapters are going to highlight their past in different ways, saying this now because there'll be tough and triggering subjects discussed. I'll have tigger warnings before everything.