Val.
I hate school. More importantly, I hate that I have no goddamn clue what I want to do with my life and yet I'm sat with piles of textbooks and unanswered questions.
Majoring in journalism was the only one that seemed slightly appealing at the time. Especially since back when I was thirteen, I'd thought being a reporter would've been cool. I was indecisive as hell. I still am. But I soon came to realise that I'm not built to be a reporter or a writer.
I just lack ambition if it doesn't have anything to do with the water and unfortunately, there aren't many careers associated with the ocean.
I groan and let my forehead fall into the textbook, earning a loud thud and I screw up my face at the light pain.
"I won't let you fail, Val." Violet's soft voice sounds out, "I never let my tutees fail."
"Everest's failing." I mutter.
Ria chimes in, "Everest has the attention span of a piece of lint."
I lift my face, setting my chin on the page. My blonde hair falls messily over my face and Violet smiles slightly, sat opposite me on the floor of our apartment with the table between us, all my due work piled up on it. She's wearing a white headband in her light hair, perfectly styled and delicate.
Ria's strewn over the couch besides us, a random magazine in her hands and her legs falling over the armrest. She's in black denim shorts and a tiny racer top that stops just below her boobs. The delicate tattoos over her torso are on show.
"Ugh." I slam my head down again, "Why can't money fall out of the sky for me too?"
"Mine didn't fall out of the sky. Fell out of my dead daddy's pockets, if we're being accurate." Ria turns the page of her magazine.
Ria adopted her mainly absent, abusive dad's inheritance when he passed away recently. And Violet was born to the sort of wealth that's hard to even fathom.
"You're both set for life. You could live off your inheritances like sexy rich people and I'll be slumming it back in Kilned because once I secure no job, I'm gonna be living with my mom again." I tilt my head and correct, "I love my momma, don't get me wrong-"
"If we're rich, you're rich." Ria shuts the magazine and sits up, crossing her legs beneath her, "But relax. I'm nowhere near Amory status."
"All my richness is yours." Violet smiles a little, "Seriously. Maybe we could get a house together someday."
Ria wrinkles her nose, "We'd all end up killing each other. I still don't know how we're all alive in here."
I snort, chin still on the page. It's chaos here. Perfect chaos. Just yesterday, Miguel and Everest had started to wrestle in the middle of the goddamn floor like animals at dinner. It was Friday, and as per Benji's decree, that's our pizza day. The now broken coffee table is on its last leg, sadly waiting to be thrown out as a result.
"I'm being serious." Violet shrugs, "I'd love to live with all of us. Even after college."
"I'd love it too. I don't want to leave." I say, "It's weird to think we'll move on from this place someday."
Ria runs her fingers over our shared tattoo on her wrist, "We'll always be together. I'm kinda excited to see how our lives pan out."
"A wedding soon." I wriggle my eyebrows and Ria's lips lift as well, Violet's cheeks turning pink.
Everest Jones and Violet Amory are nineteen. Most people would say it's stupid to marry that young but one look at those two together and it seems weird they hadn't already run off to Las Vegas or something, to seal the deal. They're both reckless beneath the surface and perfectly made for each other.
"I can't fucking believe Ev's getting married." Ria says, almost grinning, "That's one plot twist."
"The slut's the first to marry." I giggle, "You brought him to his knees hard, Vy."
"He's impatient and impulsive and he wants to knock me up as soon as possible." She rebuts, "He's crazy. God, I'm so excited to marry him. It just..."
"Makes sense." Me and Ria say at the same time.
"Yeah." She whispers softly.
"Of us all, you both deserve it the most." Ria says.
Violet and Everest were never shown family in the way they should've been. Never shown safety. Or unconditional love. It made for a love so strong; best friends feels like an understatement. But it's what they are. As if they've been together forever.
And then they were ripped away from each other and none of us knew pain like we had in the five months she was gone. Everest had basically left for as long as she did. He vanished. A shell of himself. I don't think I'll ever see him as empty and distant like that again.
Now that they're marrying each other, they won't be without the other ever again. The start of the new family and love they'd always waited for. And god, they deserve a new, fresh start.
I squeal, can't help it, "One of us is getting married!"
Ria winces at my volume, Violet just chuckles and I don't care, bouncing in my spot a little. I'm already bursting inside for all the parties and festivities and fun. They've started to plan already since they intend for a summer wedding this year.
"I still vouch for a beach wedding."
They groan at the same time.
"Oh, come on." I throw my hands up, "It'd be beautiful."
Violet sighs, "It can't be a small wedding, whether I want it to be or not. It'll be an event. It has to be, Sage says, and he knows best."
"Because you're an Amory?" I ask.
Violet fidgets with the hem of her skirt, "The high society families are all expected to wed and to make it extravagant. It's not even an argument. I mean, I'm okay with it, but I think I might die from the pressure."
"We've got your back, ballerina." I grin, "No matter how extravagant and formal, we'll make it fun."
Ria smiles, a little excited mischief behind her olive eyes. We love fun. Especially in places we shouldn't find fun and Violet's more our girl than she is high society's. We get a right to have some fun on her big day.
It's still crazy. Two of us are getting married.
I mean, I kinda expected it. None of these guys fall in love in the casual, easy way. It's everything or nothing.
Violet snorts, "With you guys, it's bound to be fun."
I smile, about to agree as the door slams open. I can hear their raucousness before I even see them and then they all come strolling in. They were all out for their different practices; Ev at soccer, Luca at his boxing gym and Miguel at basketball. It's routine for them all to return home at around the same time once they're finished, Luca picking them up.
Everest walks in first, dropping his duffel bag and dressed in his black soccer kit. Violet hasn't even turned her head and she yelps when she's swiftly lifted off the floor and into his arms.
Everest smiles, very teasingly, against her lips and then looks down, "Shit, you're wearing the skirt that gives me a hard on, babe. What is this torture?"
"I told you to stop doing that." She pushes at his chest and then takes a breath, "Hi."
When Luca and Miguel walk in, however, the atmosphere's less easy. Tension's like a massive cloud over their heads, donning the same brooding expression that makes them look far too similar.
Miguel slams his backpack down too harshly. Luca throws his keys down hard enough for them to clang. Both of them dead silent. Uh oh.
Ria looks like she wants to hide, "Fuck. Not again."
They've have been arguing a lot recently. Like fire to gasoline, their arguments just tend to explode. Honestly, it's hard to watch their relationship slowly start to fracture with every argument, every biting word Miguel can now throw back at his big brother as he's growing up.
It's sinking - their relationship.
Everest quietly mutters back, "Damage control's required. Luca's pissed."
"Why?" She asks.
He shrugs. And then after a moment says, "Dunno. I think it has to do with Miguel hotwiring his teacher's car."
My jaw falls open. Ria's eyes widen and then she glares, "You think? Clearly, that would be the problem."
"It's not that bad." He shrugs, peppering kisses down Violet's neck, distracted, "He didn't even get caught so I don't get why Luca's panties are in a twist."
Violet gapes at him, then glares, "We're not having children."
Everest smirks, "What's the excuse now?"
"So it's not a problem as long as they're not caught?" Violet argues, "So stealing's not an issue unless they're-"
"No." Ev says, lowering his head even further and smiles, "Our babies won't need to steal. And if they get caught, I'll bail them out. I'll lie, and cheat and be as twisted as necessary for them. But kids don't act out unless something's wrong."
He lifts his head to her, presses a light kiss to her lips, "I'm not gonna let them be thrown in jail, like we were. I'm gonna ask them what's wrong and then I'm gonna fix it. Think that's what each of us needed."
Silence settles between us, another one of those realisations of how fucked up their childhoods were. A common occurrence. But this, it only makes him look stronger and admirable. Everest, he's always been willing to be better than what he was, or what he was shown.
Violet holds his cheek, sighs, "You already got me to propose to you. Stop with your words. Or I might just do everything you ask."
Everest grins and holds her as close as possible.
Luca enters the vicinity and we all silence, especially when he walks past Ria. He sheds his jacket, revealing a black v-neck, knuckles still wrapped from training.
She grabs his hand and he stops, looking down to her but shakes his head, "Don't protect him. Not right now."
She looks up at him, "I don't want you angry."
"He should've fucking thought about that then." Luca snaps and it rings through the entire apartment, reaching Miguel whose toeing off his sneakers.
"I got it." Miguel's voice is cold and then he walks straight to his brother, close enough for it to be hostile and looks him in the eye, "You want to let out some of your frustrations, big bro? Go the fuck ahead. I know you want to."
"Don't test me, Miguel." Luca shoves a finger in his chest.
"Isn't it in your nature?" Miguel continues to taunt, "You're pissed. You're gonna stay pissed until you hit something, so go ahead, mano."
"You fucked up, Miguel. Esto no es sobre mi. I've given you the benefit of the doubt, time and time again, and all you do is keep fucking up." Luca seethes, stepping closer.
"Like you've never fucked up before?" Miguel yells back.
They're eye to eye, similar heights now. Similar anger. Ria's told us that they've just been getting worse. Arguing and bickering and silent treatments. When they're extra pissed, they both instinctively switch between spanish and english.
She now slips between them and presses her hands to Luca's chest. Both brothers look down to her and she keeps her eyes on Luca, whispering, "We can talk about it later. This isn't going to do either of you any good."
Luca grits out, "He's expelled."
Miguel looks away now, his jaw tight. I can see the guilt in his eyes even if he's hiding it with anger. Expelled. They're gonna have to look for a new school.
Ria's eyes widen but she sighs and looks at his eyes, "You'll regret saying things you don't mean, Lu. Come on. Just give each other space."
"I get it was wrong. I said I'm sorry." Miguel suddenly turns his head back to Luca, "But what is it with you wanting to save me? Just to feed your goddamn saviour complex."
Luca tries to step forward but Ria's the only thing stopping him. He would never hurt his brother beyond compare but Luca's always shown Miguel tougher love. I don't doubt that he'd rough him up a bit to teach him a lesson. Especially with the way he's antagonising him.
Everest looks at Miguel now, a caution in his eyes, "Don't, Miguel-"
"Just because you couldn't fucking save mom doesn't mean you have to ruin my life too." Miguel snaps.
Absolute, dead silence settles over everyone. The sort of silence that seems to fill our lungs with tension. A line they've never crossed before. For a moment, I expect Luca to throttle him. But it's worse. Entirely different.
Luca's still, staring back at his little brother like he just punched straight through his ribs. His chest rises, and falls unsteadily. And then his eyes go hard, and dark and almost emotionless.
Miguel seems to snap out of his anger, blinking a few times. Overwhelming regret passes his features and he squeezes his eyes shut, eventually breaking the silence. He's barely whispering, "I didn't mean that."
Luca runs his fingers through his black, feathery hair and then looks down to Ria, as if searching for safe ground. He tries to cover up his hurt, his eyes softening for her but she can see straight through it.
Miguel tries to reach out to touch him but Luca's turned away before he can. With his back turned, his voice is too detached and too final, "Your life's your own from now. I'll stay out of it. You stay out of mine."
Even I tense up at that. He's never acted like that before, never sounded so cold and final.
Miguel's breathing comes heavy, panic encompassing his eyes, "I'm sorry. Fuck. I'm sorry, Lu-"
Luca's already gone, taking Ria with him even if she looks back to Miguel and mouths that it'll be fine. He doesn't looks like he believes that. He's breathing as if he's just lost his brother all over again and then he turns around and looks straight at Everest, shaking his head, "I didn't mean that. Ev, you gotta tell him I didn't mean it. Fuck, I fucked everything-"
"Miguel." Everest's tone is soft, "Hey, it's okay."
"It's not. Not when I brought up mom like that. He won't forgive me for that. I've never done it before. That's— fuck."
All of this is cracking my chest clean open. Especially when I look at the boy I met when he was merely fifteen, a hell of a lot more careless and would talk about his brother like he's a superhero. Now, he's closing in on himself.
I cross the distance between us and Miguel looks between my eyes frantically, muttering, "I fucked up, V."
I smile soft, try to be as calm as I can on the outside, "It's okay. You're not losing him, I promise. You could never, stud."
"I hurt him. Why did I say that?" Miguel mutters, "Shit, what is wrong with me?"
"He's strong." I smile, "So are you. You're overwhelmed, Miguel, you need to breathe slow. You know how Luca gets. But he can't hold a grudge against you."
"I'm sorry." He says again and I close my arms around him, allowing him to hide his face in my shoulder. I hug him tight, a bear hug and sway us a little.
"Don't break on us, stud." I joke and kiss the side of his head, "He'll be okay."
Another set of arms wrap around us and I don't even have to look to know that it's Violet and she mutters, "That was stressful. But it'll all be okay. I know it."
Miguel rubs at his eyes. He's shaking but he's trying, so desperately, to compose himself and seem strong. So much like his brother beneath the surface.
They argue. But Luca loves Miguel to the point of pain. So much more deeply than anyone else, in an entirely different way. It's hard to see their utter fear of losing each other combined with their constant need to push the other away recently. That's only bound to be a painful combination.
Loosely, I let go of him but Violet's still clinging on pretty tight. I pull back enough to see his face.
"I really am a chick magnet, huh?" He jokes and though the delivery was horrible, and his voice shaky, he continues, "If it takes a little scare for the ladies to come running-"
"You're incurable, bug." I can't help but laugh, "Let go. It's never happening."
"We'll see about that. You're my last chance, mi sol. The other two deserted me." He sighs.
Mi sol. I almost laugh again. He's got a charm, I have to give it to him. He's called Ria his hermosa since he met her. He's started to call Violet princesa and I'm mi sol. My sun.
Violet snorts, "It was never gonna happen-"
"Uh, uh. We're pitying me, remember?" He raises an eyebrow and me and Violet roll our eyes, lifting away from him. Though worry settles under my skin for him, at least he's okay for now. Anything's better than that devastated look in his hazel eyes.
He's a complicated kid, more than he likes to let through to the surface. I just hope this doesn't spiral downwards anymore.
I look at him, "Hotwiring a car, really?"
"The teacher was a dick. I was bored..." He winces and scratches the back of his neck, "Which I realise now makes me sound really fucking stupid. I don't know what I'm doing."
Everest snorts, "It's alright, sweetheart. You could've set it on fire instead." He grins at his girlfriend, "Isn't that right?"
She whacks his arm, bright red and a series of laughter erupts from the three of us. Once the tension's settled, they retire to their rooms to get ready before dinner. Ria and Luca will figure things out together. There's no doubt she'll manage to calm him down.
Returning my attention to the kitchen, I start on the new pasta bake recipe I've wanted to try. It doesn't take long, especially since I already told Luca and Ev all the ingredients I needed at the start of the week. They alternate with the grocery shopping, taking turns each week to pay, no matter how much I convince them to let me chip in.
I'm slipping the tray into the oven when ragged knocks sound out on the apartment door. They're loud, making me jump but whoever it is couldn't have made it past security without one of our keycards. Everyone else remains in their room so I shut the oven door, slip off my oven mitts and walk to the door.
When I open it, tilting my head up to who it is, my stomach drops to my feet.
Cuts are edged through his skin. Blood covers his face. Hudson opens his mouth as if he's about to speak but he can barely lift his head and when his knees give out, he catches himself by clutching onto the doorframe.
The fact that this has happened again only makes me feel sicker. This isn't a one-off. It's becoming a routine. A really common routine.
"Hudson." I whisper. Reality and realisation hits me. He's here.
I have to blink a few times to register him. They've been looking for him for so long now and he's right here for them. God, they'll be so relieved. This, him, what they've been wanting to locate and find - he's here. I turn, about to yell for Everest or Luca but I'm spun around.
Hudson's hand comes up to my mouth and he stumbles, reaching up to hold the doorframe above us. I'm so focused on his injured face that I don't try to tear his bloody hand away, staring up at him. He's ruined. His normal black hair looks even darker when covered in his own blood, strewn over his forehead.
"Quiet." He breathes out, "None of them can know."
I shake my head instantly. I can't keep it from them, especially when he's in this state again. They've been searching for him but Hudson's wild eyes are strict and stare me down.
"We have plenty of fucking things between us, angel. This needs to be one of them." He's breathing so heavy, barely getting his words out, "Between us."
I keep shaking my head, my stomach turning so sickeningly at the sight of his bruised face that tears well in my eyes. I remember distinctly the first time I'd seen him like this. Everest had brought him home and I'd thrown up in the sink, before we spent the night besides his bed.
It was scary. So scary that thinking of it makes my skin crawl, even months later. I'd wished to never see him in that state again. I wanted to stay far away from it until the night before we flew out to Italy.
It's only been a few weeks since then. It's happening more.
"Val." He grits out, a rivulet of blood streaming down his cheek and jaw, "This was the closest fucking place and if you tell any of them, I'll leave. I won't make it far. Probably pass out."
The other option is keeping it between us. But it feels so goddamn wrong. They're all so painfully worried for him and where he might be. I'm supposed to keep this to myself, and let them continue their aimless search?
But if I don't, Hudson will stick true to his word and if he leaves in this condition, he'll be in danger. He can barely stand. So he's basically given me no choice. I hate him.
He can see I understand because he loosens his grip over my mouth, "You gonna listen to me?"
I put on a contemplative expression, soften my eyes and then nod. He looks skeptical but after a moment, he slowly lets go of his hand.
No way in hell.
I quickly turn and yell, "Evere-"
Hudson's forearm swoops around my middle, lifting me off the floor and just as I'm about to scream, his hand comes up to my mouth again. I try to yell again but it's muffled so I bite down hard; he doesn't even flinch. He's like a big wall of stupid impenetrable rock and no matter how much I kick my legs, he's unfazed.
Swiftly, he turns us into our small storage closet and backs me into a wall.
"Quiet. Fuck, Val." He hisses, towering over me in the dark and glancing behind through the door shutters to see if anyone heard.
I bite down on his stupid hand harder, staring up at him defiantly. So hellbent on being left alone, none of them finding him. They want him to be better. All he wants to do is snort lines and self destruct.
He slowly turns to look back at me, dark blue eyes narrowing when he deadpans, "Chewing on my hand like a puppy isn't having the effect you think it is."
Fine. I lift my leg high, about to knee his balls but he catches my leg and pushes it back down so quick that I barely register it.
"Val." His eyes flash angrily.
Having had enough, I grab his wrist and yank it away from my mouth as hard as possible.
"Hudson!" I yell in return, so loud that his eyes widen.
"Shit. Shut up-" He lifts his hand, about to silence me again.
I slap it away and flail my hands so he can't try it again, "Don't you dare. I will scream and do not underestimate me, you devil, because I scream well."
Hudson pauses in the dark and I can barely make out his features, cramped in this small space. He raises an eyebrow at me, "Repeat that, angel."
"I scream well." My eyebrows furrow and when I see slight amusement in his eyes, I grimace, "Ew, you perv. Screaming in horror. You into that?"
"I prefer pleasured screams best." He says and then lowers down, smiles bitterly, "Not yours."
"I'd rather die than scream for you in pleasure." I smile back bitterly.
There's a moment of silence where he just looks at me. He's actually here.
"Hi." He says. I sigh, staring at his bruised and beaten face. Silence stills between us and that god awful night, the party last week, it floats between us. There's always something floating between us.
That look in his eyes seems like a truce.
"Hi." I huff, "You dick."
Hudson's eyes don't change. They never do. They never soften, even in the most vulnerable of moments. Always the same dark blue iciness that nobody can see through. Right now, his eyes are bruised and bloodshot, like his blood vessels have popped.
None of us know what Hudson Elias Tempest's caught up in. I guess that's the root of the ongoing problem. All we can easily discern is that a boy like him, in this twisted situation, is only caught in something dishonourable.
Danger and secrecy surrounds him. But whatever gets him beat and bruised like that feels like darker demons than any of us are ready to tackle. He knows that. He keeps it from us so vehemently.
"Again?" I whisper.
His face contorts a little, jaw going tight. I intended to never speak to him, never be so close to his proximity again after that party but plans tend to fail when it comes to him. His bloodied face is an exemption.
We have days. Good, bad, fucking awful. Moments that are better than others and we deal with them as they come.
"Not as bad this time." He says in his rough voice.
I guess that's true. He's not knocked entirely unconscious to the point where Everest and Luca have to drag him around. My stomach turns even thinking of it. What is it? What's made you who you are now?
"That's good." I mutter, "I wouldn't be able to pick you up. Nor would I try to."
"Bullshit."
I scrunch up my face, "Not bullshit."
"We both know your moral compass is way too...moral." He grimaces, "Get rid of it. Must be a fucking nuisance."
"I actually prefer a non-psychotic conscience, thank you very much." I snap and get sick of how close we are to each other, pressing my hands to his chest and shoving. Immediately, his body goes tense and he lets out a grunt.
My eyes widen, "Sorry."
Hudson raises an eyebrow as if to say, see?
He doesn't look pained anymore so that little grunt was a lie. He doesn't like when people say sorry. But when people have morals, it tends to be a goddamn instinct. My moral compass is a nuisance sometimes.
I keep my back leant against the shelves behind me and Hudson remains stood in front of me. Thin rays of light seep through from the shutters over the door, one of which directly runs over his blue eyes. The weirdest shade of blue ever. I don't think his eye colour has a name.
"Why don't you just give it up?" I cross my arms, "Are you like a secret assassin? Or..." I think, "You're secretly trying to outdo Luca at boxing and you're a boxer?"
He peers back and looks out the door, "It wouldn't take me much to outdo Luca."
I raise an eyebrow, disbelieving, "He's a boxer. If you two ever eventually fought, I'd put my money on him, no doubt."
"Whose home?" Hudson asks.
"Home entails you actually being here. This isn't your home if you're never here." I say.
"All this whining. You sound like you miss me, Emerson." He taunts.
"If all your whining was equivalent to you missing me, then I might be the most missed person in the world." I return.
"Oh, fuck off. You're more whiney than me."
"Am not." I narrow my eyes. Hudson's a drama queen. And he whines, and bitches like a high school mean girl. He could play the part of Regina George if he really wanted to, especially with that bitter smile he does.
One time, Violet had told me that it weirdly resembles her older brother's, Grayson's. If it does, then I don't ever want to be friends with Grayson Amory either. That cruel smile is a killer.
"Just answer my question, Val. Don't make everything difficult." He runs a hand through his hair and I can faintly make out blood still dripping down his tattooed hand. His pain, if he's feeling any, doesn't show on his face at all. I don't know how he does it.
"All of us." I say.
"I just need some antiseptic then I can leave." He says, "Do you have any in your room?"
"Yeah."
His eyes narrow, "Why?"
"I get lacerations from surfing sometimes. Can you just let them know you're here? Hiding's more trouble than it's worth." I say, trying to budge past him, "I don't want to help you."
More importantly, I need him to tell them. I'll feel guilty as hell if I knew his whereabouts, that he came to this apartment and kept it to myself. I don't need that on my shoulders.
"They're gonna lock me in if they see me." He holds my wrist to keep me in place.
"They won't." I look up at him, "But I don't want to be near you. I'm done. I've told you that."
They definitely will lock him in.
"They won't? Like they haven't already made up some stupid fucking plan to lure me here? You forget that I know them, Val."
"So stop hiding!" I throw up my hands, "Stop making them worry, stop forcing them into having to look for you. Let me go."
I rip away from his grasp and just as I'm about to open the door, I hear one of their voices heading towards us. My eyes widen. Hudson acts quick, yanking me back inside so I'm hidden again. No. I don't want to be roped into his hiding.
But god, it'll look so bad if we're now caught in here. If I walk out now and someone sees Hudson. Ew.
"Val." His tone softens and his forearm is locked around my middle, all of my back pressed to his front. He lowers his face so he can quietly speak into my ear, "He'll go."
"It's Ev." I whisper back, "He won't."
"He will." He sounds certain, calm, "Quiet, yeah?"
"I hate you. Why are you always getting me into the worst situations?" I snap.
"You get angrier quicker than you used to, angel." He muses.
I stamp on his foot as hard as possible and he grunts, his hold on me tightening. Yes. I grin, holding back a victory squeal. Finally got him.
"And you're more sadistic than I fucking remember apparently." He says through gritted teeth. I roll my lips in to hide a smile but it quickly fades when Everest's footsteps approach.
If he looks a little too intently through the shutters, he'll see us. If we make a noise, he'll hear and shit, Hudson left the front door open.
"Who left?" Ev calls out and I flinch.
I hate that I'm in his arms. I shouldn't be in his proximity at all. It feels like I'm harbouring a freaking fugitive. I'm betraying them.
Somebody answers saying that they don't know and once Everest shuts the door, he turns to leave. Just as he's about to go, he stops and turns to look through the shutters.
I tense up, about to let out a squeak and Hudson tightens his arm around my stomach as a way of telling me to keep quiet. We're as backed up to the furthest wall as possible. I look up at Hudson behind me but he's focused on the door, his eyes slightly narrowing.
Everest looks for a moment. I don't know if that's a small smirk on his face but he slips away before I can figure it out.
"Oh my go-"
"Wait." Hudson whispers, "That clown's a fucking smartass. He knows something's up."
I stay dead silent and still. Until the footsteps resume and sound out far away. He's gone. Hudson loosens his grip on me and I pull away from him as soon as possible, spinning around.
"If you weren't beaten, I'd slap you." I say.
"Sadistic angel." He tilts his head and in the dark, that looks more menacing than I'd like, "Has a ring to it."
"You're high." I deduce.
He doesn't confirm or deny. He's still an asshole when he's high but he's not as abrasive. Not as downright cruel. Like right now.
"You're an ass." I snap, "You were a bitch the night of the party. And now you come here for my help. I should slap your slappable face."
I haven't forgotten his words or the mean way he'd said them on that rooftop. The harshness in his eyes that had scared me and simultaneously made me feel small, insignificant.
Hudson's quiet. Too quiet. Staring me down in the dark and his eyes languidly flick down my body with bored eyes. I'm in my favourite flared jeans and a tiny top that has little waves on it. Nothing special so I don't know why he's looking.
"What?" I break the quiet.
"I wasn't slappable when I made you come that night." He drawls.
My entire body tenses up, a flush smacking me right in the face. My face falls and the atmosphere turns icy, my stomach roiling.
Three weeks now and we haven't spoken a word of it. I can't speak, can't say anything back. My chest feels entirely too tight.
He's said it aloud now and I hate him for it. It was only a matter of time. I hate that it happened because now he can hold that shame over my head, make me drown in it. I've always despised the idea of giving him any power.
Doing what we did that night - it's messed up my head. He knows that but I thought he might have the decency to not torture me with it. I was wrong. Obviously, I was wrong.
What if he makes my life hell because of it? If he tells someone? The silence between us since it happened has only made me overthink and worry and now it's eating me whole. I hate myself for it. I hate it all. The worry building up in my chest makes it hard to breathe.
"Not gonna snap back at me?" His eyes are narrowed, slightly confused. Observing me close. He's so attentive that it feels exploitative so I always try to hide my eyes from him when I don't want him to see into my head.
Right now, I do the same. And I leave the storage closet in a rush, fighting to calm down. He doesn't stop me.