Chapter Four. In which you reminisce those
times that you were really to be blamed
especially with the 'relationship' you had
with Yamamoto Yuri that started its history
last year.
Warning: one-sided relationship/love
, death threats, mentions of bullying,
suicidal thoughts.
Author's Note: Hello lovelies! You'll probably
notice some changes from the recent chapters, especially chapter 2 and 3 regarding with
Ugetsu's whereabouts! My dumb ass forgot
that he's only competing in a national level
and not internationally. Don't worry though
it's not a sort of a major change, I just have to
edit the conversation MC and Ugetsu and bits
from chapter 2. I'm also already working on
with the next chapter and spoiler alert but no
so kinda, it's angsty. Don't worry though, there's more 'shocking twist' to it! ;) it's a bit lowkey in the next chaper though. Anyways, that's all! Enjoy reading ♡︎
Unedited.
𝖳𝖧𝖤 𝖦𝖴𝖨𝖫𝖳 𝖳𝖧𝖠𝖳'𝖲 𝖡𝖤𝖤𝖭 𝖤𝖠𝖳𝖨𝖭𝖦 𝖬𝖤 𝖶𝖧𝖮𝖫𝖤
The weather was sunny and cherry blossoms were in full bloom when you started your first year in highschool. School entrance ceremonies was a regular starting event when a new school year starts so of course, similar to how it was first day of your middle school, you found yourself seated on one of the many chairs inside of the place- listening attentively to the principal opening remarks.
It took a couple of minutes for the woman, who introduced herself as Nanami Tsukahara, to finish her speech as she called one of the head teachers of the school to present something about the topic about joining a club.
Even though you had your full attention towards the stage, you couldn't help but let your eyes wander infront of you. There were just some different mops of hair and a few teachers who stood on the side of the platform, so it wasn't much of a use when you tried to find the eyes that were, that you thought were laid on you.
It was one of those gut feelings when you thought of that way and you knew that the slight chill of uncomfortableness that traveled up from your spine wasn't just a feeling that you have to kick and never take a mind of. Usually, when you felt like this, you tend to just never be bothered by it. Perhaps you were just imagining things and you were just probably being out of your mind but it was in a human's nature to feel curious. So with raised eyebrows you turned your head to your left slowly. Seeing that none of your seatmates were looking at your form and were just merely listening to the teacher's words, you turned your head back to the front. You watched as the head teacher called for a student who was the council vice-president of the last school year, he greeted everyone with a welcoming smile.
Your eyebrows were now furrowed. This gut feeling was strong, there was no way that no one was looking at your direction. Gut feelings were always right. You did what you had done a few seconds ago, you turned your head to the right and that was when you saw it.
Rather, saw her.
The moment that the two of you made eye contact, you knew that it was the same girl that had - most somnolent eyes, orbs in the same hue as the crystal waters of the ocean you've ever seen in your entire thirteen years of existence. Let alone, her skin almost porcelain as a doll and hair shaded in the color of -
Wait.
You blinked.
One.
Two.
And another.
Her gaze was the same as yours, unwavering.
For all you knew, back in middle school she had brown chocolate hair. So why the hell did she have her hair full blonde now? With that shade, she looked really foreign. If she didn't have those striking eyes that made you realize it was her from the beginning, then you would never really thought that this was Yamamoto Yuri.
The girl whom was the drummer in your once together band and the girl who had the most beautiful eyes (everyone would agree on that, *it wasn't like it was the feature of hers that you loved the most). The girl that was one with your past was in the same highschool as you.
And as you finally broke the contact between the two of you, you had your focus on anything but the speech of the student vice president. Your mind lingered through the fact that one of your friends - would she still consider you as her friend? acquaintances - was in the same school as where you were in. It wasn't like you could do anything about it though, not like you could tell the school's head to kick her off the school (though you wished you could), it wasn't like you owned the school...
You didn't want to do anything with her anyway, you were just dumbfounded that out of all the people that you knew back in middle school, it just had to be her. You kind of wished that it was that one boy who proclaimed that he was going to be good as you one day, that he'll beat you in guitar or some other stuff that you couldn't remember. Was he a first year that time or a second year? Whatever, you didn't need to think of that anyway, if all, you had to be more concerned with the Yuri who worried the well being of other people more than herself.
She'd probably pester your well being too once this ceremony started. If not, maybe by the end of the day.
And indeed she did.
Not just on that day, practically on your whole first year.
Through the days of your avoidance towards her, she somehow managed to let you loosen up in a way that both in your second year, you two were practically as close as two peas in a pod, well as what she'd like to describe what friendship you had together. Though it wasn't quite seen to some of the other students that the two of you had something of that kind closeness, if they were going to be honest, they just saw Yuri dragging you to whatever whereabouts she'd be bound to.
And at first, you didn't mind the friendship the two of you had.
It just made you ponder how she managed to rope you up with her shenanigans but then again, her words regarding with what happened in the recent years that you and her were tangled up in have gotten right through your heart, despite having all your doubts still present after all her reassurance. At times when you had such doubts, weirdly enough, she could sense it right through you. In which at some point you realized was to be expected given that she'd always been a people smart type of person.
It felt like everything was going back to where you started from with Yuri herself. She'd always been like this back when you were younger, and really, nostalgia wasn't the only thing you could feel everytime you talk and look at her heartache and this deep feeling of guilt was felt too. Since she was truthfully part of the years where you were at your best and worst, there were constant times where your brain would suddenly would go on a memory lane, relish all those years where you were with her and with them. You couldn't help it, the brain and mind itself works like the universe, and the cosmos were a mystery.
Truly, every time you think of the five of you still together, when the bond was still a tight rope that have not yet snapped - the extreme waves of overwhelming guilt pumping your veins were the only certain feeling that was felt.
Because with all the reassurance she'd ever given to you, you couldn't help but blame yourself all over again.
Stubborness could really kill you in some way.
Would everything still be the same if the four of you, besides Akio was together? You doubt it, the air would be nothing but the tension of you being responsible of his death. If - he never died would your friendship still be okay? Fine? Would it not be broken and all of you would still be close now as what it was back then?
You doubt it.
Even so, your harsh words got through him and he would have told it to your bandmates and they'd think badly of you if ever that had happened. Some selfish bastard.
How you wished you were the one who got hit by the truck instead of him. He had a precious life to begin with, he said he wanted to be a professional musician one day and that he'll arrive in tours. At that time, you were nothing but a selfish friend who wanted nothing else but being left alone and to never play an instrument again. He had hopes in life, whereas you were starting to lose it.
That made it much clear that his life was more worth than yours.
Yuri's words of affirmation did strike a nerve of relief to you. There were times when it did, and you were thankful for that - you were verbal with it. Because really, no lies, you were. She had definitely had her ways of putting the worries of others to get rid of, it was in her nature. Her kind and exquisite nature was the reason why many boys in the school fawn all over her and was the reason why many students looked up to her, and you weren't going to admit it but you admired her too, platonically, that is.
And you wished she had thought of you the same.
March 13th.
Both of you were in your second year of highschool.
Under the cherry blossom tree sprinkled with snowflakes along with the ground that you stood on blanketed with thick bank of snow, there she confessed. She looked at you with those same sleepy eyes that had a certain shine to it, admiration - adoration, like, love. The blush on her cheeks, be it by it the confession or the coldness of winter itself were clear enough having the majority of her cheeks present with how the scarf that was wrapped around her neck reached only until her top lip. Even with how muffled her voice sounded, you heard it clear as her crystal blue eyes.
And the first thing that came into your mind was how you just have to reject her after you'd tell her that she was a good bestfriend and was a admirable person, that, you don't feel the same way. It felt cliché, sure, it definitely was but this was what you felt, the real thing that you needed to reply was how you liked her in a different way, not romantically - no, platonically. As friends, you like her as a best friend way back when you were in middle school. Not like how he had like you, because what they had in common was how neither Akio and Yuri you had this sort of romantic attraction towards them.
But then you felt the inability to speak, your lips gaping and closing for about two times until you clamped your mouth shut.
You pondered for a moment. You contemplated for a decision, for a reply.
Why were you?
You didn't like her in that way...
There was no way that you do, of course she was kind and loving towards you. But you didn't know that she'd shown those kind of affection towards you as something more than a friend.
What were you going to do?
How would she feel if she got rejected by the one that she liked?
You decided to be in her position. Like any other person would feel they'd be heartbroken, it'd be quite some time for them to move on. Those who were strong enough would just accept it and quickly move on, wish the ones that they like the best of their life, find somebody new to admire and wish to be not rejected by the new one.
Any illogical person would grow some sort of hatred towards the other and that was something that Yuri would never do. The first two though, she was neither.
Or would she be in between?
If she'd be heartbroken, then she wouldn't have to talk to you. Maybe not that for long but quite some time that she needed space. But for how long would she be able to cope when she'd finally have the time to talk to you? Although she had a strong spirit, any other person has that sensitivity within their emotions.
There was a part of you that knew she'd have the strength to accept the rejection she would have from you. She seemed to be a strong one and if you were going to be honest, she could handle emotions better than you could do. You were just good enough on hiding it but when you blow, any hard emotions you'd been feeling and going through would be all let out like the continuous flow of a waterfall. Though the girl infront of you haven't seen it, the only one that had one was your deceased friend.
Seconds have began to pass, a flurry of snow was already starting to drift within the air, it was colder than what it felt before and you began to realize a certain thing. That you needed her. You needed her so that you wouldn't be alone. She was the only friend that you had in highschool and probably the one that you were closest with. Anyone, not even your classmates would ever had the same bond as the two of you because you were that well used to her presence. And you knew you were going to be lonely without her, you didn't want that - no.
You hated being lonely.
Despite wanting to have all this time, having some sort of tranquility all to yourselfz you'd admit that it felt suffocating. It was like being in a corner of a small room and slowly, you were going to get eaten by it. By the overwhelming feeling of isolation.
" I..." You could see the way that she gulped as she waited for your reply when you paused with your word. You stared at her with those uncertain eyes and for a moment, you feared that she'd see right through you. You wondered if she could see that you didn't like her that way, that you only saw her as a friend. You wondered if she could see that you were going to lie.
" I like you too, Yuri. "
March 10th. Both of you were second years. The day where you lied to the girl you trusted the most and the fact that she trusts you with all her heart...You'd make everything work, you'll try to make yourself fall in love with her so it wouldn't be one sided, you told yourself on that very day. You wouldn't want to have that smile, that ecstatic smile to be wiped away and have the cause of it just because of you.
And you knew it was wrong, doing such things just so you could never ever be alone, it was a selfish gain. You were practically using her, and yet, even though you knew what you were doing was wrong - you didn't stop the unknowning one sided romantic relationship the two of you had. Yuri was naïve with all of it, she viewed you after that confession as someone who felt the mutuality, someone who she could rely on every step of the way, someone who was her lover.
For the first six months of the relationship, everything...went fine. It was good, in a way that you could say what the two of you had was healthy. You'd take her to the places she wanted to go if ever the two of you had time, agree to whatever fun she finds and from the fifth month, the two of you shared your first kiss. It was sweet and chaste like the pink cotton candy you've eaten prior riding the ferris wheel where it all happened. She sat on top of your lap and your hands were shaky on your sides. It didn't last for quite some time, it was quick and innocent. Her eyes closed with bliss while yours were opened with guilt glinting in those [c.] orbs. She enveloped you in a tight and loving embrace after that, showing her appreciation.
Of course, you'd let your mother know how you were in a relationship with someone. Right after the first month, you've told it during dinner and at first she was skeptical about it, well - before you hadn't mention her name and the history the two of you had. You didn't find any reason not to tell her because even if you kept the relationship a secret, she'd found about it sooner or later, the woman had her ways and it was kind off concerning how she'd able to do so. And o say that the woman was pumped up was an understatement. She was practically all excited and giddy to the max and from the same night you told her, she begged you to let her come eat lunch, perhaps dinner with the two of you, reasoning with the seat next to you had always been lonely afterall and she said she wanted the table to be complete with Yuri with you and her, and with how she wanted to see right away the young woman that could potentially be her future daughter-in-law.
And did the woman love Yuri with all her might. She practically considered the girl as her own child and with the way she overly gushed over her, it had seemed like you were more of the guest of the house and she was the biological child herself.
Though, you didn't mind it that much.
What you minded more thought was the heavy feeling of your heart every time you'd see her happy with you from the start and it worsened when everyone started to find out that the two of you were a thing.
It wasn't like you were popular, you'd like to think that you were just someone hiding as a shadow that kept you from getting known, at least there were only the ones who were suspicious when Yuri pulls you up from your class by the end of the day but they assumed you were just some cousin or a close relative or something. thought of you datinf the girl from the other students eyes were shook off because you? And her? There's no way...but Yuri.
Yuri was a different story.
She was popular, main reasons were that she was beauty and brains, her kind personality. There were a lot of of people who was fond of the girl, lots of them romantically so when the rumors of the blue eyed beauty dating some rando from Class 3-B spread like a wlidfire and for her to confirm that rumor - let's just say that hell broke loose. You? You?
" Eh? Who even is that? Yuri-chan! Tell me you're joking! "
" There's no way! I find it hard to believe that Fujita-san's dating someone way out of their league. "
Whenever the two of you were together, just simply walking by through the school, the attention was always focused towards Yuri. A waves of acknowledgement given to her, some delusional group of people squealing of how they were looked at by the dyed blonde female and some few simple nods and a call of her name from the ones who could contain their excitement when they encounter the girl in the campus while you - it was either you were at her back just for them to have a mind off that you weren't that close and was just some random walking towards the same direction as the girl or just staring straight ahead by her side with a resting bitch face so that at least they could be intimidated, although you had to admit when the attention was suddenly on you after everyone in the school knew that the two of you were a thing, it was way worse than you'd expect.
Because alternatively, they would have gushed and fawned over the fact that the two of you were together. Would have respected the relationship between the two of you even though it was unknowningly one sided from the girl and the people that had the information that you were her lover.
However, in reality - it was the complete opposite alright.
Your P.E. clothes were always damped in the bathroom sink before the class itself started. Purposeful shoves in the shoulder through the hallway. Fiery and judgemental eyes that glared at the back of your head. There were letters that contained threats, most of them were things like how you should break up with the girl because she didn't deserve a nobody like you. Whenever the girl wasn't around your area, they'd manage to pick you up and do things that hurt you physically. They beat you up like you were some punching bag and to them you were.
You have never expected to be a victim of bullying, especially at such an age. But you decided to let yourself go through it. With all of that, it felt like that some deity was punishing you for your acts and you accepted it. It's just that - you didn't want to be alone, okay? She was the only one you had and you knew how much she'd hurt if you didn't falsely reciprocate her feelings.
Even though it wasn't really the whole school that didn't like seeing the two of you together, with your paranoid mind it felt like it.
You'd get through this, you had always convinced yourself.
The romantic relationship the 'two of you' had started falling apart after you received one particular threat of a letter that contained something that triggered on what you were going to do.
Break up with Yuri-chan or I'll tell everyone that you killed your friend. You don't deserve her anyway, are you going to kill her too?
Two simple sentences with an anonymous signed under them held so much emotions inside you that you couldn't bring yourself to face the girl for months. You didn't know how that person, this anonymous knew something about your past but now did it really need to be cared with? There was a person who knew something and the fact that they pointed out with how you killed him. How you were the one to be blamed of his death.
You didn't really entirely ignored the girl for the half of the year, there were signs that were subtle enough that she didn't get to realize it yet that you were trying to. With how you made up excuses of doing something for your club whenever she sent you messages of going out after classes. Your hands that were usually secretly linked whenever the two of you walked together became alone. You tried not to really get those letters go through you but everyday they were being sent on your way without Yuri knowing. You didn't want her to get dragged to whatever the hell you've been going through.
Because the last thing you wanted to have was for her to be one that's threatened to be break up with you so they could have her all to themselves. You were lucky enough that she wasn't that much suspicious with the bruises on your face, it was easy as telling her that it wasn't that serious and made up some excuse that was believable enough and she didn't press the topic of it. She didn't deserve it.
She didn't deserve you, realization would soon struck.
On March 10th, just three days before you '1st year anniversary' was really the start of your ignorance. You didn't know how but now you were in your third year and life have been increasingly arduous than it was before. You didn't want to do with anything and everyone anymore.
You accepted the feeling of loneliness that's been eating you whole from the past and you were okay with that, trying your best to throw away that tiny light inside your heart that you still needed someone there for you. To comfort you.
But how would you be able to do that when you were - you? You were selfish. Almost everyone in the school hates you for dating the girl that they admire and with you not really knowing what you felt towards the girl anymore - you agreed already to those letters that you should just definitely die because you didn't deserve her. You didn't deserve the life that you have.
Sooner or later, you'd have to face the consequences of your doings.
[Name] had to cover their bruises with makeup so that Yuri wouldn't get to bring the topic of it after the girl saw it for the first time.
They used to bring Yuri every Friday night in their home after school so that they could have dinner together with their mother's cooking.
Yuri likes going to cafes and likes to spend it with her friends and [Name] themself.