I stood staring at the white wood grain door, I studied the pattern as the lines extended and looped, the door was bigger than the rest of the doors, set apart from the rest of the house, this private wing was the home of Alpha Conrad and Luna June. On the other side was a fighting Luna, and a grieving son, but an absent Alpha and that can't continue, this pack is in chaos and they need their Alpha to help make sense of everything. My heart was nearly beating out of my chest, I knew the outcome if this conversation wasn't productive, if Holden didn't show me that he was in deed ready to put the pack first, above everything else, I needed him to be who he was meant to be, who his father raised him to be.
My knock was met with silence, but the two familiar heart beats on the other side of the door told me he was in there so I decided to enter, the room was dark, all you could hear were the gentle breaths of the Luna and the soft snoring of a sleeping Holden, his head resting on his arms as he leans on the bed beside his mother, bottom half still in the arm chair he pulled closer to the bed. I didn't want to wake him but his time for sleeping was over. I lightly shook him awake and he woke with a start, his eyes instantly going to his mom, probably hoping it was her who was waking him, but she wasn't getting better, anyone could tell, her heart was too weak; Holden's eyes turned to be a motioned for him to follow me, I knew who wouldn't go far so I stopped on the other side of the door, leaned against the opposite wall as I waited for Holden to the close the door behind him,
"What is it?" He asks, his eyes red and dry, his voice hoarse,
"You need to stop this Holden" I started, "Your pack needs you" he sighed in annoyance and rolled his eyes,
"This is what you called me out here for?" He went to head back in the room but I lunged forward and pinned his shoulders to the wall behind him,
"Yes" I growl, "You are the Alpha, Holden, the pack is looking for answers, for clarity on where they go from here, about what happened at the meeting, about your mom, everything, you can't spend all your time holed up in this room, when the pack is falling apart" I didn't raise my voice but my tone was stern enough for him to not test me.
"I know these past couple of weeks have been hard, there has been so much change, with me becoming the Infinite White, your dead being the killer then he wasn't the killer, you becoming Alpha, your mom, I know you want to cling onto anything that still holds some sense, and your mom has always made sense to you and for you but Holden you need to start putting the pack first, They are your family, the ones who would live and die at your command, you can't stay here waiting for your mom to die" now it was his turn, he growled and threw me against the wall across from us,
"No one said she was dying" he spat at me,
"Come on Holden, everyone can tell she's not strong enough to survive the injuries she received from that attack"
"I would watch your words very carefully Lily" he threatened,
"Or what?" I challenge, "You'll punish me, beat me, kill me?"
"All you care about is other people Lily, but what about me? When my dad was convicted I had no one to turn too, and now my mom, I am spiralling and I don't know what way is up anymore"
"You pushed me away, remember? I am the only one in this relationship who is giving my everything, half of me to you and the other half to the wolves, I have nothing left of myself anymore. I spent so much time setting up that treaty, risked my life more than once to bring peace so everyone can know safe, everyone can know peace, everyone can live. I have sacrificed my soul for the wolves, for you and you can't even get up off your ass and try and lead your pack, you leave it to me, Cooper, Viceras and Cole to do, these are your people Holden. Whether it was your mother or father doesn't matter anymore, we are going to war, with the hunters? With the demon wolf? Both? Nobody knows all we do know is we are as weak as our leader and right now, we're pretty god damn weak" his eyes darkened at me threatening his authority, he didn't like what he was hearing but regardless he needed to hear it, he needed to feel it,
"This pack is used to strong leadership, your dad, was a strong Alpha, but he put his love for his mate ahead of his love for the pack and that put us in danger, don't repeat his mistakes Holden, be the Leader the pack deserves, the leader you promised you would be the night your accepted becoming Alpha, everyone looked to you then as they are looking to your know only you're not there" his breathing was deep and shallow, it shook with every exhale as he looked at me with so much anger I could feel the fire burning inside him,
"You do not get to interfere with how I run the pack, and I won't be doing anything until I make sure my mother makes it through this, then we can sit down and plan out what we're going to do, the pack will survive as we have for generations, we are the strongest pack in North America, that doesn't just disappear" he answered me, I felt defeated, something shrivelled inside me, a sharp pain I couldn't describe in the pit of my stomach, I felt like I was going to throw up.
"What happens next... " I went to pin it on him, I want it to be his fault and in some way it is but this was my decision and I need to own that, I stopped myself, and looked him dead in the eye, "I'm sorry" was all I said before I left his presence.
***
I walked around the forest, aimlessly I walked until the sky started to darken, the patrols knew I was out here and they left me alone but when the guard changed it was Cooper that found me this time. He spun me around to reveal just him in long denim shorts and nothing much else, his sandy coloured mess of curls sitting in the same way they always did, his eyes looking confusingly at me,
"What are you doing out here?" He asks, "it's dangerous especially for you, what if something happened to you Lily?"
"Can you come with me?" I ask, I knew it was vague but the less he knew the better,
"Where? Why?" I really wished he was would stop asking questions I didn't want to answer,
"There's something I need to do I think it would be better if you were there, to help me" he looked at me suspiciously,
"You're worrying me Lily" he spoke out,
"Don't be, I just don't know how much it'll hurt" I knew that would worry him even more but I wanted to let him know what he was going to be there for,
"Please Cooper" I sounded like I was begging, and maybe I was, I couldn't see myself through his eyes, but I felt the urgency in my very core. He nodded.
He followed me all the way to the small cottage in the woods, smoke was flowing from the chimney, good,
"Grams? Why are we here?" But I didn't answer him I just walked up to the door and knocked, the small woman quickly answered the door, I don't know if it was my face, or something in my eyes that didn't make her question why I was there, but she stepped back and opened the door wider to allow us in. We stood in the middle of her small living room looking at each other and I felt like I was going to melt into a mess on the floor,
"Abjuring" was all I told her and her eyes widened in shock for a second before she returned to her composed, elegant self.
"Are you sure that is what you want, if not it will be futile?" I give her a stiff nod,
"It is, I feel it" I told her, and she starts nodding to herself and peers behind me,
"You need to tell him, he's about to witness you at your weakest but after that you need to mould yourself into your strongest" I agree and she goes to the kitchen and returns with a meat clever that she takes to his fire and sticks it in. I turn to Cooper and grab his wrist, leading him to the couch,
He waits for me to speak, which I am thankful for.
"I'm about to do something called The Abjuring, essentially it is the severing of all mating bond ties and disconnecting myself from Holden, forever" he looked shocked, his mouth opened and closed a few times before he found the correct ones to say.
"What are you talking about? Why? Can that even be done?"
"I know you have a lot of questions. I know I am doing the right thing, it is the right thing for me and for the pack, Holden isn't thinking clearly and he is putting the pack in danger, this isn't some sort of revenge scheme or punishment, in order for me to be able to become my strongest my vision as to be solely on the pack and wolves, protecting us from any and all threats and I can't do that with a mating bond that keeps me tied to someone who does not prioritise the same things I do. He was my fated mate once but my fate has change and now I get to choose and in order to help everyone this is what I need to do, what I want to do" I stress this to him, that it is my choice, it is what I need.
"Are you ready?" Grams asks, I turn away from Cooper to look at her,
"Yes" I say, standing up and take my top off, I go and kneel in front of the fire place, opposite grams whose knees are touching mine. Grams looks up at Cooper, you need to come sit behind her and hold her, I've heard this pain is worse than you can imagine, the severing of ones ties is never painless. Cooper stands and kneels behind me, nestling me in between his thighs, he grabs my upper arms and holds firm, he can feel him shaking, not knowing what was about to happen. Grams pulls the knife out of the fire and I tilt my head to the side, my hair falling in the same direction revealing the bite mark at the nape of my neck where Holden had marked me. My heart pounded as the knife neared my skin and as the burning steel met my skin, I struggled to contain the cry of pain as the heat burned away at my skin, I put intention into the pain, why it was happening, and the feeling in the pit of my stomach returned, only this time, it grew, spiralling, burning through my blood, I jerked and let out a scream that turned into a howl, but Cooper held me tight and steady, I felt the ties burning away, snapping under the heat. Sweat beaded on my forehead, the fire continued to move slowly through my tethers to Holden. I'm unsure how long it lasted, it seemed like hours, but once I regained some sort of consciousness I became aware there was still pain, just a bearable amount. I was lying back in Coopers arms shaking, sweat dripping off me, the fear in his eyes eased to relief when he was I was behind my eyes. Inside me was emptiness, no noise, no one else's feelings or thoughts, everything was mine and the pain of that made my heart ache, the silent pain that wouldn't be going away any time soon.
"You've been in fits of pain and unconscious for a few hours now" Grams explained emerging from the little kitchenette with a cup in her hand, "drink this" she offered it to me, "It's a few medicinal herbs that will aid the healing process, once you are fully healed and the any sign of the mark is gone, the physical pain is gone but as for the internal struggle, you will feel that was a long as you allow yourself too, so work on it and one day it'll be a dull tick you barely notice" I drink the liquid, holding back the urge to gag as the foul drink made its way down my throat, I wasn't sure if it was the warmth or the medicinal properties but I already felt a bit better.
"Cooper" I speak, unsure of my own voice, "You need to go" I tell him,
"Are you kidding, I'm not leaving while you're in this state" he says,
"You need to go to Holden, he felt everything I did, and he doesn't know, you need to go be with him. I'll explain it all to him when I get back to the house but he won't understand what happened" Cooper didn't argue, he gently picked me up and carried me to the couch, lightly stroking my head before exiting out the door.
"I hope you prepared well" she said looking after Cooper, "Everything is about change".