"And we talk until we think we might just kill ourselves, But then we laugh until it disappears"
It is two days before Nini leaves Salt Lake City, the big move to LA had been quite the heavy decision on her, a choice she had made on her own nonetheless; her mothers had suggested she finish senior year at home, perhaps they were simply trying to protect her, but ultimately they supported whatever choice she made.
She went back to camp shallow lake for an evening a little over a month ago, she wasn't particularly sure why. She hadn't planned it for very long, nor had she discussed it with any of her friends; if she's being honest she was looking for a sign, whether she should leave or stay.
Of course through those few weeks she had written to Kourtney, even though they hadn't talked much since they were both busy having their own summers. She watched the show, admiring from afar. She had known by the time Kourtney had finished singing let it go that she was going to leave, she tried not to think about it until she was actually leaving camp.
She slipped out after Ricky's performance, she would have liked to believe it had no emotional impact on her, that she was indifferent to it, however far that was from the reality of the situation. Nonetheless there was pride in watching him sing, a sense of peace that only remained till the last note, awe in how he'd grown and who he was now.
She hadn't said goodbye, hadn't interacted with anyone other than Miss Jenn and Kourtney; which wasn't her intention when she came to camp, to be fair she wasn't sure what her intention was beyond giving out opening night cards for potentially the last time.
And so that night she went back home, slipping into his orange and brown hoodie like every night the past few weeks, trying to write. The performance at shallow lake had started trending, Nini saw it pop up on her feed, the cast had posted too, celebration pictures and heartfelt anecdotes; perhaps she would fade easily out of the group.
A month after that the trailer for their show had come out, Nini had watched it, it seemed like quite the mess, however she was her typical self, she had sent love and loads of messages through the drama club group chat, congratulating everyone.
Kourtney had been slightly aloof since opening night, distant rather, but it was expected with the distance and their busy schedules. Nini tried to ignore the feeling of being left out that crept up her chest, it was suffocating.
Of course by then she had told a few people she was moving and it had spread around, Nini had stayed in LA as long as she could; she knew she had to go back and get her stuff and transfer papers and tie up her loose ends, she had tried to push it away, delay it as long as she could. Her moms had even offered to just go alone at some point, bring her stuff back for her.
But of course, that wouldn't have been right. So now here she sat, in the empty school gym at seven in the morning.
She came back a week ago, Ashlyn had wanted to throw a big farewell party, a last good old theatre get together with their board game and music as usual; but Nini had turned the offer down. It was far too awkward now she had thought. Still she met Ashlyn Carlos and Seb multiple times, they had gone out a few times and had one big movie night sleepover.
She had met Kourtney too, almost everyday since she was here, even if it only for a little bit.
Now she has two days left; school starts next week so she has to be back in the next few days. She's supposed to meet the whole theatre group this afternoon, well most of them, some were still on vacation. But when she woke up this morning she sat in her room that was now all packed up in boxes and she couldn't bare the feeling; so she left a note for her moms and left the house.
Of course she had no idea where to go, which brings us back to the school gymnasium, which until the winter musical, was of zero significance to her.
She's sitting with her back to one of the walls, it seems daunting how empty it feels now, without the crowd and sets. It's cold, there's no one in school yet other than the janitors. School is still out for summer anyways, only the teachers are back this week. Miss Jenn had specially planned for most of the drama club to start earlier, 'regroup' she had said.
Nini stares into the desolate space, playing back her memories as though she's rewinding a tape again and again. Sometimes she thinks she made the whole thing up in her head, that whole night. She sits there for over forty minutes, writing down small scraps of lyrics and poetry, pacing around, dancing and singing and trying to put herself back in that moment.
Before it turns eight, she finds herself walking out of the gym. Her footsteps echo lightly as she walks to the theatre, hand gently tracing the seats as she treads down to the stage. She can't get the lights to turn on for the life of her, instead she settles on just turning on the ghost light; there's something peaceful about the theatre in the dark. Someone has left their guitar on stage, she sits down by the side.
"Livin in my own world" she plucks cautiously at the strings "didn't understand" she clears her throat, heavy.
"That anything can happen, when you take a chance.. I never believed in what I couldn't see, I never opened my heart to all the possibilities mmm.."
Now there's footsteps, a silhouette in the dark holding up a phone with the flash on, walking to her. Momentarily she's stunned, it causes her to stop strumming but she continues a few seconds after.
She lets herself pretend for half a minute that it's who she wishes it was, up until the silhouette is no longer indistinguishable. The strumming slows until it's obsolete.
"Hey stranger" the person says, a soft smile on their face. She sniffles for a second, putting the guitar aside and standing up to hug him.
"Hi eej" she says, putting a smile on.
He turns the flashlight off, putting his phone back into his pocket. Silently they both sit down on the stage, it's quiet but not the uncomfortable kind that makes you want to disappear, the kind of quiet that's calm as though there's an unspoken agreement of understanding.
"So" he says "what're you doing here so early?"
"I could ask you the same thing" she replies, running her fingers up and down the glossy stage floor, half a smile on her face. "I just, couldn't take being in my room anymore"
"I guess it's all packed up now huh?"
"Mhm most of the house, movers come tomorrow morning"
"Are you doing okay? With the move and everything else?" He asks gently. Somehow he's been the first one to ask her that in a while, at least directly.
"I'm good" she tries to say surely. It's unclear to her whether he believes her or not, to be fair that's unclear to him too.
"I um, I assume you heard about..." he mutters, it's clear that there's a lot of feelings for him surrounding said issue; Nini doesn't need him to finish his sentence to know what he's talking about.
"I did" she purses her lips together, her expression apologetic.
He lays on his back, knees bended to that his feet lay flat, head tilted toward her. "Are you okay.. with it?" she asks, her voice laced with concern. He looks away, at the ceiling.
"Does that really matter?" He scoffs lightly. "I mean I have no right to have an opinion on it anyways" he lets out a bitter chuckle.
Her head is tilted slightly, knees to her chest. "EJ.."
"No I mean.. it's not my place to- I just-.. apparently I was barely her boyfriend anyways.. 'never really started' is what she used actually.. I should have seen it coming the first night he showed up at camp.. I should have done more I guess.. put in more.. it's my fault.."
Nini listens painfully, she relates to that feeling, the blame the feeling that tells you maybe if you put in more things would be different. "It isn't just your fault, it isn't EJ you deserve better.. you deserve so much more than you give yourself credit for.."
"don't lose that" he smiles a little. She furrows her eyebrows "don't lose what?"
"Your Nini-ness"
"My Nini-ness?"
"Mhm" he says simply, not bothering to elaborate. "You know, you're allowed to have feelings about it too"
"It's been months, spring break was literally almost five months ago" she shakes her head lightly as though what he's saying is silly and irrelevant.
"That doesn't mean you aren't hurt.. c'mon.. tell me if I'm being crazy here"
"You're not" she realizes she's probably the only person he's been able to talk about this with. "It feels like it's been years since hsm opening night doesn't it?"
He chuckles lightly "yup, it hasn't even been one though"
"I heard they're gonna do high school musical three this term"
"Yeah, something to do with the camp show, um I guess they'll have me around somewhere, though everyday I feel more and more like nothings fitting anymore"
"Yeah"
"Have you spoken to him at all?"
"Nope, the last form of contact was his opening night card, I guess that was meant to be closure" she mumbles "apparently closure isn't always that easy"
"Mmm I feel that" he says, now sitting up, groaning. "You ever feel overwhelmed by the fact that the other person always seems to move on with ease and you're just.. stuck there"
"Yeah.. I get that.. we broke up four-ish months ago and he's had two girlfriends already, meanwhile I had a panic attack in an in-and-out bathroom stall because a guy asked me out" she says it quite quickly "but it would be hypocritical of me to judge.. I did the same thing last year"
EJ reaches out and squeezes her hand for a moment.
"You know" he takes a breath "I never thought I'd say this but I even prefer going back to when Ricky was dating mini Cersei Lannister"
Nini snorts "Cersei Lannister? Where did you get that?Carlos?"
"The one and only"
"Man I'm gonna miss that" she smiles sadly at her lap, thoughts drifting back to Ricky as her smile fades. "Have you um spoken to Gi?"
"In passing.. barely.. you?"
"Not really either.. sucks though, we had just started getting kinda close"
"I haven't really talked to Ricky much either, I see them when we hang out in a group, I've stopped going to frequently though it's just.. kinda harder to be around them all couple-y than I had expected.. I mean they try to make it as comfortable as they can.. it's not their fault.. it's just weird now"
"I haven't hung out with the whole group since summer break started, some people in pockets i guess, I'm not sure how today's gonna go"
"They're both gonna be there, I haven't seen them in a bit either"
It goes quiet after that again, they're both in their heads, overthinking. Of course they want them to be happy, they deserve to feel loved and have their happy relationship now, that doesn't take away from the fact that it still stings; they hope eventually that fades.
"I've loved him my whole life, ever since I could remember, I don't think middle school Nini would believe it if someone told her Ricky isn't a constant in her life" she says as though she's telling herself, looking down, EJ looks at her.
"It's a very long time to love someone, rare to have the same favorite person at four and fourteen. You know when you guys broke up, you were awfully put together in front of all of us"
"Hmm.. I guess I'm good at deceiving myself" she picks at her fingers. "We were off though for a long time.. since I left here, since YAC. I just.. I didn't put enough into the relationship even after I came back.."
"What are you talking about? You came home for valentines weekend, you were completely understanding even though he didn't tell you he MOVED HOUSES, you were in the musical even though you didn't want to be, you came by school a few times-"
"I didn't even know he had moved, that's how off we were; valentines was a bust, we hadn't spent any time that day, he had spent more time with the theatre group that weekend than me literally, apparently Gina thought he had sent her chocolates, and the rose song basically sunk our relationship.."
"Okay fine maybe not the best examples, I was trying to say it's not all on you.. and um.."
"Um what..?"
"He did.."
"He did what..?"
"Send her chocolates.."
"Oh.." her voice is barely over a whisper. "I thoug-"
"I don't know the details.. just overheard something when I was at Ash's last weekend"
"Yeah.. it's okay.. doesn't matter now"
"Nini.."
"I'm okay" her voice cracks, he doesn't push, though it worries him how she's trying to hold in her feelings, he's not sure if he's at liberty to pry.
"I was packing everything up and I didn't know what to do with his stuff.. if I'm supposed to return it or keep it" she takes a breath "like just the little stuff I guess, I don't know, I found my box with the necklaces in it"
"He took it off..." her voice is starting to stretch, sentences less connected. "When we broke up he took it o-off"
"Ni.." EJ scoots a little closer, she isn't looking at him.
"He took it off.." she's muttering lowly now "he didn't want to keep it"
"He didn't-didnt- want to keep it" her breathing is unsteady, lips quivering making it as though she can no longer control her expression. She starts to tremble lightly.
"He didn't want to keep it"
"He- h- he d-i-dint- want to- k.."
"Hey hey hey Nini easy" he immediately gets closer to her. Tears roll uncontrollably down her face, she's blubbering. He carefully takes her into his arms, hoping it will ease the trembling. It turns into violent sobbing as he rocks them back and forth. "Nini no.." her head hangs lower against his chest and he has his arms loosely wrapped around her "okay.. shh... it's okay" he strokes her head gently.
"What if" she sniffles "what if I hadn't left early that night? What if I hadn't been in that room? Maybe he didn't lo- maybe it was pressure of the situation maybe I was too late-"
"Hey! No.. no okay?.. we don't think like that.. we just don't.. we can't okay?"
"But.."
"Hey.. he loved you.. so much.."
"Maybe he just loved someone else too.." she says in a small voice. He's quiet after that, lays his head atop hers; he thinks about that all the time too.
"This doesn't feel like home anymore" she manages to choke out, trying desperately to stop crying but she can't; she can't really remember the last time she cried in front of someone; well she does, the night they broke up for the final time, she was crying when he left.
"I know" he snivels "I know it doesn't.."
"I can't fucking get my old books and stuff from that stupid-" she rubs her nose "that stupid tree house I can't even get halfway up"
They don't talk after that, he continues to stroke her head, she continues to weep. There's no question of 'should I let go', neither is there any awkwardness anymore; they take comfort in each other, regardless of them pretending it was someone else whose arms were around them every few seconds. A few tears slip from his eyes too, he tightens his grip slightly "we'll be okay" she mumbles in between a sob.
"we'll be okay, let it out.." he whispers into her hair. She cries as her chest get heavier, blubbering, the kind of crying that's loud and has your breath erratic, big tears rolling down the side of your neck. He whispers broken sentences in an attempt to offer comfort, but the willingness to let her be sad was more than enough for her.
"Nini?" A high-pitched voice startles them.
"Are you okay my dear?!" The voice gets closer as Nini slowly start to unlatch herself from EJ; he keeps on hand gently on her back. Nini tries to nod to answer the question, however, unlike most of the time, it is far from convincing.
"Sweetie.." miss Jenn's voice gets softer, the lights are on now, she puts the cardboard box she was carrying on her desk, running over to EJ and Nini.
"I okay miss Jenn" she snivels, wiping her face. "I promise"
Jennifer finds that difficult to believe, she glances at EJ for a moment, his sullen expression doesn't quite provide the reassurance she had hoped it would. She offers her now ex-students a sad smile, giving them a small hug on the edge on the stage where they sit with their legs dangling. One hand cups each of their faces, lingering for a second.
Tears still stream silently down Nini's face, not like before, but stubbornly they won't go away. Nini takes a deep breath, she glances down at her phone screen 10:47 am.
"Miss Jenn? Would it be okay if um I went home and came back around one?"
"Of course, everyone's gathering past noon, a few of the kids are just helping me move stuff into the theatre"
"Okay, thank you"
"I'll drive you" EJ pitches in, now standing up next to miss Jenn.
"Hey! Miss Jenn where do you wan-!" A voice halts mid way down the steps of the theatre. Carlos scans EJ's face before returning to Nini's. Ashlyn stumbles in behind him.
There's more footsteps coming, faint giggling that echos through the enormous theatre. Gina and Ricky carrying boxes, a bit fazed by their bantering for a moment before they halt where Carlos and Ashlyn are. EJ fidgets with his fingers, now sharing a panicked look with Nini, who is desperately trying to wipe the tears off her face.
They've all moved a little further down the stairs, Ricky abandons the box somewhere on the floor, he's not quite sure where he put it or when. Everyone else put their boxes on the seats.
"Well now come on let's go, grab the boxes please huh? We've got a whole room more to go, move along!" Miss Jenn tries to divert their attention. Gina, Ash and Carlos exchange confused looks, unsure whether they should pick up their boxes. Carlos decides to take his box to the stage, giving Nini a quick squeeze on the shoulder.
"Why don't you get out, I'll grab your stuff yeah?" EJ whispers to her, she nods gratefully, getting up quickly and grabbing her jacket. She tells miss Jenn and Carlos she'll be back in a few hours, gives Gina and Ash a quick smile. Her puffy, bloodshot eyes would have given away that she was crying if they hadn't seen her.
She walks up the stairs, past them, EJ not to far away. Ricky's gaze has been in her since they saw her, intensely focused and pooled with worry; she hasn't looked him in the eye. She keeps her head hung low, regardless of how badly she wants to do the kinder thing and just shoot a smile, she physically can't seem to.
She slips out the auditorium, Ricky about to follow, a heavy hand on his chest stops him.
"Don't. You. Dare." a voice grits, laced with protectiveness.
Ricky doesn't know how to respond, it catches him off guard. He blinks rapidly, Gina is about to step in and defend her boyfriend, again a gesture of protectiveness, however Ashlyn quickly grabs her arm "don't.." she says quietly, eyes on her cousin.
EJ walks away after that, he wasn't completely sure why he stopped Ricky or what came over him, it was a similar feeling of protectiveness and care he usually feels with Ashlyn, he didn't want to see Nini hurt more.
He finds her in the corridor, wondering if she had heard that, if she had, she doesn't show it an any way.
"Hey" he hands her the bag, she smiles gratefully. "Thank you, for all of it"
"Anytime Ni"
"You know, you were kinda a shitty boyfriend" Nini starts off, interrupted by him chuckling a little.
"But you saw me as a whole person, and i really, appreciate that, however messed up it was to poison someone" she's finally smiling a little and it's not fake, that makes him feels a little better.
"Yeah well, I learnt from my mistakes" he chuckles, trying to ignore the fact that he still got dumped again. "Hey neens, I'll clear the treehouse? for you"
"That's very sweet of you but you really don't have to, I can ask one of my moms, I was just.. I think a little embarrassed to"
"Hey, I don't mind, honestly"
"Okay"
He puts an arm around her shoulder "you know we should start a club"
"Really?"
"Oh yeah, the broken hearts club" they both laugh "you, me and Mr. Mazzara"
"Mr. Mazzara?!" She snorts, giving him the most bewildered face.
"Mhm yeah" they start to break out into a fit of laughter. He lifts Nini up goofily as they laugh obnoxiously as they exit the school building, wobbly running; however horrible the circumstances, they have to admit, it's nice to have a friend.