can I go where you go?
can we always be this close?
______
Dorothea Abram
May 22nd / 23rd - two years ago
Five more minutes.
We came out here for a peaceful night, yet I only find myself focused on the ticking hands within the clock on Harry's wrist.
Being here, in our hidden little field, has become our place of solace and also the only place we can truly be together.
I've known him for five months now.
It's mad to think that just at the beginning of this year I hadn't known he existed when now I can't imagine a life without him.
We hadn't known when we first met who we were.
That I was an Abram and he was a Styles.
I'm glad I didn't know for a while.
Four minutes.
I've heard of his family, the vendetta between ours, but never any details.
If I had known who he was that snowy day on the bench, there would have been that nagging voice inside my head of Father telling me to stay away from him.
However I don't see what he could possibly have against them.
The Styles' are a reserved family for the most part, staying out of the public eye but still well known. If Harry is any representation of the rest of his family, it leaves me to wonder what really could have happened between them.
It was something that never interested me before, why would I care about what issues Father has with people I have never met? Not that he would have told me either way.
Except now Harry's no longer a stranger.
He's something much more.
Once I realized who he was I began to feel guilty. Like a part of me was betraying my father.
But I soon realized that whatever happened between our families is something Harry and I have nothing to do with.
I wouldn't let Father take this away from me. Not yet at least.
Three minutes.
I never did tell Harry that it was going to be my birthday. Not because it is some secret I want to keep but because it is not a day I particularly look forward to.
If anything the day brings more grief than it does joy.
It is not a day for celebration. It is merely a countdown.
But with Harry I get to escape my everyday reality, which was all I wanted to do even it was only for a small portion of my birthday.
Two minutes.
We've been out here for an hour or so, the cool May air being just right with the addition of Harry's body providing any extra warmth I could need. My head rests on his chest as my eyes stay trained on the time.
We are meant to be looking at the stars but with each passing second this increasing sense of dread came over me at the thought of what day it was about to be.
I wanted to be focused on them as well. The clear sky and the cool weather after a long winter.
It was my favorite thing.
As winter fades into spring the flowers bloom, the birds sing, and the sun shines brighter than ever.
I wanted to enjoy it because it even makes the nights feel less lonely, not as dark.
But when he readjusted himself, placing his hand over his stomach, my eyes were immediately drawn to it.
Every year I watch the clock strike midnight, marking off another year of my life and taking me closer to eighteen.
I didn't want to think about it, not this year. This year means almost as much as the next.
This year marks my sixteenth Birthday. One year closer to the beginning of the end.
One minute.
I thought I would be able to escape this daunting ritual I seem to have made for myself but the second I saw his watch I couldn't tear my eyes away.
I hold my breath as the final few seconds pass.
As if I could somehow stop time from moving by freezing myself in this moment.
I want to stay at this age forever. Be here, in this field, with Harry, forever.
But I cant.
Midnight.
Just like that the day passes on to the next. I release the breath I'd been holding, reality floating down upon me.
Today I have my birthday ball like I do every year.
The one that Father will only be making an appearance at before conveniently disappearing.
I don't mind that hes never there, but I would prefer not throwing the ball at all. However it is the perfect excuse for Mother to plan a new event while Father busies me for the day and gets me out of his hair.
Its the same things every year, gradually being altered with my age, this one being no different.
Except this time next year I will begin the process of preparing to be introduced to society. And the following year I shall be out, in search of a suitor. And then by the following year I shall be married.
This is my final year of just living.
I close my eyes trying not to think about it anymore.
I hug my arm around him tighter, using Harry as a way to ground myself in this moment rather than my own head.
Harry shifts beneath me, bringing his lips to my temple and placing a kiss.
"Happy birthday." he whispers.
My eyes shoot open and I immediately prop myself up on one elbow to look at him. "What?"
I didn't tell him it was my birthday. In fact I actively avoided bringing it up.
He laughs finding my shock amusing. "You didn't think I would miss it did you?"
My shoulders hang is disappointment. So much for this being just like every other night. "How did you know?"
He props himself up on his elbows bringing our faces slightly closer together. "Baby, you're the daughter of the duke. Your annual ball is all the ton is talking about."
"Oh. Right."
I cant hide my disappointment, I don't know why I didn't think about word getting around to him.
I know he's a member of the ton technically, but I feel as though he's just so different that I've separated him from that world entirely.
Considering what happened between our parents, our paths never cross.
"Hey, no pouting or you don't get your surprise."
My pout doesn't move.
"Harry you didn't have to get me anything."
He sits up straight. His smile unwavering. "I didn't get you anything. I made you something."
I sit up as well, "You made me something?" I question, squinting my eyes at him.
"Mhm, now close your eyes." he orders.
I shake my head in disbelief, his actions so foreign to me right now. He has gone out of his way to do something for me, for my birthday. And I didn't have to say anything.
I have never wanted a big ball or an extravagant party for my birthday. But after years of asking Mother and Father for something small, a toy, or even just time with them, I learned to stop asking.
Today was never about me.
I learned to stop caring about my birthday and to stop expecting anything out of it.
I learned to do what I needed to do for Mother and Father, and I tried extra hard not to upset them.
And that is okay.
"C'mon, close your eyes!" he urges, pretending to get annoyed.
Finally I do as he says, my curiosity outweighing how odd this feels as I bring my hands up to cover my eyes.
I hear shuffling as he rummages through his duffle bag he brought with him that contained the blanket we now sit on.
I try to think of what he could possibly have but my mind comes up blank.
What does one even get for their birthday?
I've never received a birthday gift, most of what comes from my birthday ball being money that Mother and Father keep.
Zayn has attempted to get me something, to make my day more special. But I never accept.
This day isn't about me.
"You know this isn't fair, I don't even know your birthday." The thought pops into my head.
"First of February" he says casually.
I drop my hands immediately opening my eyes in shock. "What!"
His back is facing me, it isn't until he looks over his shoulder to look at me that I see a white box in his hand, "Hey! Close your eyes!" he laughs.
"I missed your birthday?!" I may be a hypocrite but I can't believe he didn't tell me.
"Close!" he points back at me with one hand, shielding the box with his other.
When I don't do it right away he gives me a pointed look and I oblige with a huff.
How could I not have known I missed his birthday?
If he got to go behind my back and do whatever this is, then I should have had the same liberty.
Especially if he's doing this for me that must mean birthdays are important to him. I feel terrible for not being able to have done the same for him.
He shuffles around some more and after a few more seconds he speaks, "You can look now."
The second I open my eyes I am met with him in front of me, holding a cupcake in his hands with a singular yellow candle lit on top of it.
I bite my bottom lip trying to hold back my smile almost forgetting how bothered I was, "You made me a cupcake?"
The little flame reflects in his eyes, the emerald shimmering as he looks at me with a shy smile and nods. "Make a wish" his voice comes out a light whisper.
We tend to do that a lot.
Whisper even when nobody is near.
I smile wider than I think I have in my entire life.
"Go on." He urges with a cheesy grin of his own.
We're only merely minutes into the day and I can easily say that this is already the best birthday I have ever had.
With one simple action he made today feel like it was about more than doing right by Mother and Father.
Even if it's just for a little while, he made today about me. Just me.
My heart swells with something I can't put words to and in this moment I come to a realization.
I want to hold on to this for as long as possible, whatever it is that we have.
I had no expectations when I first met him but I always knew I felt better when he was near.
So much has happened here between us in this field that it has become our place where we get to make our own rules.
With him I don't care about anything else, my mind forgets to remind me that this is a bad idea.
The repercussions I would face being null the moment I saw his smile.
It felt like sparks erupted, I knew I was gone for that moment.
I really do like him.
What we have isn't meant to last. We both know that.
But I don't ever want to lose him.
I lower my eyes to the flame before closing them.
I wish that we can always be this close.
I blow the flame out, opening my eyes once it's done.
"What did you wish for?" He asks
I shake my head. "That's bad luck and I'm not risking this wish not coming true."
He smiles not pushing me to tell him and instead leaning forward pressing his lips to mine.
I hum at the contact, this being something I don't think I will ever get used to but in the best way.
I pull back, holding his face in the palm of my hands.
"You know this means I owe you a birthday present right?"
He laughs, shaking his head, "you already gave me one."
A puzzled expression takes over me, my hands dropping to my side. "How could I have gotten you a gift if I didn't know your birthday?"
He plucks the candle from the cupcake, placing it in the white container to his side that was previously holding it. "You kissed me."
"What?" I question as my cheeks flush.
"February first was the day you kissed me."
The dots finally connect in my mind.
Our first kiss.
My skin runs hot at the thought of that day.
Before him I never felt like this for anyone, I didn't know that I was capable of feeling like this at all. I never knew what to do with the emotions building up inside of me.
I knew they were wrong, that him of all people was probably the last person I should feel like this for. But I didn't care.
Before then there was a line that neither of us would cross. But that day we were just messing around.
It was a snowy night, one of my favorites. I still went alone but his appearances were becoming more and more frequent.
Once the laughter died down between the two of us, a new tension fell upon us and that line neither of us ever dared to cross, it disappeared.
And it was his birthday.
I cant bring my eyes to meet him, heat running through me remembering it all.
He scoots closer using his pointer finger and thumb to get me to look at him. "It was the best birthday present you could ever give me."
He brings the cupcake up between us and before I can even react, he swipes the frosting onto the tip of my nose.
I mean to scoff, but what comes out of me resembles laughter more.
"Now, please tell me if this cupcake is any good, I'm dying here."