His face was damp with tears as he stared at the ceiling of the windowless, grey room he'd been in for the last two weeks. He'd been partly catatonic. He could barely stay awake. But there was no relief in sleeping. In his dreams, he could hear her. Hear her screaming for him. Pleading for him to come back for her. But he could never move. He'd been electrocuted by the blast. Stuck on the ground unable to even reach out for her.
"How are you doing Finnick?" Katniss' mother asked as she wrote notes down on her chart.
"I just want to sleep."
"You only just woke up Finnick. Let's try and get to 10 minutes before we sleep again?" she encouraged.
"Is there any news?" he asked, his eyes flickering with hope.
"No," she replied sadly, and his eyes went glassy again. "I told you dear, when there's news you'll be the first to know."
"I want to go home."
"You know that's not possible," she squeezed his arm lightly in comfort.
"Why can't I be with the others?" he asked. "With Tyler and Buck."
"Finnick... you know why we had to separate you. You were... disruptive to the others."
"But Buck's always grumpy," Finnick complained like a child. "He always threatens things like that. But I promise I'll keep the crying quiet. Just let me go back!"
"You were disruptive for Tyler as well. And you know it wasn't just the crying that was bothering them, dear."
It wasn't Finnicks fault. He didn't know he was screaming out for Taiya in his sleep, keeping the whole ward from getting a good night's rest. But Buck threatened that if he heard the boy yell one more time he'd smother him with a pillow, so instead they moved Finnick to a private part of the hospital.
"Do you know when Plutarch will send the rescue team for Taiya?" Finnick asked.
"Finnick, I already told you. There's no news."
"Oh yeah," Finnick slumped in his chair as he remembered they'd already had this conversation.
He tried to stop the tears, but they started flowing. It'd been two weeks and as far as he could tell, there was no intention of launching a rescue mission anytime soon.
Katniss' mother immediately began adjusting some buttons on a machine and Finnick felt the morphing flood his veins.
"Just get some rest," she whispered before leaving the room, allowing Finnick to slip into drug-fuzed, traumatic oblivion.
*********************
"Thanks for coming," Finnick mumbled as he looked at Tyler and Buck. "It's been ages since I've seen anyone from home. I appreciate it."
"We've been here every d..." Buck began before Tyler elbowed him, silencing his words.
"Not a problem Finn," Tyler smiled.
It'd been 4 weeks since the arena blast. Tyler and Buck had been released 2 weeks ago once District 13 was certain they were no longer going to threaten people's lives to get what they wanted. An immediate rescue mission for Taiya. It took Plutarch weeks to get it through to them that doing so would be dangerous for everyone, including Taiya. They both made it a rule to visit Finnick every day, but the man could never remember their visits the next day. The doctors weren't sure whether his memory and concentration issues were a side effect of the arena blast or his mental instability.
"Katniss says she'll stop by as well," Tyler added.
"That's nice. She was here yesterday," Finnick nodded half-heartedly.
Katniss had already been to see him a few times, and each visit he remembered clearly. Which pissed Buck off to no end.
It'd taken Katniss a couple of visits to get over her anger at Finnick. It was hard to stay angry though when he looked so miserable and broke down into wails the only time she'd mentioned Taiya.
"Any news?" Finnick asked for the third time in a row.
Tyler sighed. It was hard to stay calm when you had to repeat the same conversation over and over again. But he couldn't blame Finnick. He blamed the circumstances and the people that put them in this position in life. They were all doomed from the start.
"No there's no news."
"Ohhh," Finnick cried out and covered his ears. Trying to block out the truth. He could ask a million times, but each no would be as painful as the first.
"How are you doing kid?" Buck awkwardly asked, trying to get ahead of the tears.
"Huh?"
"How are you doing?"
"No thanks."
"I said, how are you doing?" Buck emphasised slowly and loudly. Tyler just shook his head in exasperation. It was much easier to get along with Buck when they weren't trapped underground together.
"Nothing feels right," Finnick moaned as he buried his head in his pillow like a child. "I can't think straight. I can't eat. I can't sleep. It's like all the colours are less bright."
At this melodramatic statement, Buck snorted loudly.
Tyler sent him a death glare and shoved the back of the man's shoulder.
"What?" Buck protested. "We're in District 13, there's no colours. Everything's grey here. The kid's being dramatic."
"Not the best time to be calling him out on it though, is it?" Tyler rolled his eyes before turning back to Finnick. "Look, Snow's not going to kill her alright? So long as she doesn't ruffle too many feathers, we can be sure he'll keep her alive."
"Oh god he's going to kill her," Finnick cried out.
"Good going," Buck now slapped Tyler's shoulder as payback. "Now you've gone and done it. Have you met Ambersnow? Her hobby is annoying people."
"I wonder where she picked up that habit from, knock it off," Tyler slapped Buck's hand away before turning back to the despairing man. "Finnick, she's a smart girl. She has good survival instincts. She won't do anything rash."
"But she'll be so scared," Finnick lifted his head up. "I promised I'd keep her safe."
"So did I," Tyler muttered to himself. The three men sat in silence for a while. They'd all made promises they couldn't keep to her. And it was eating away at them.
"Can I have her rope?" Finnick finally spoke up.
Tyler leaned over and grabbed the length of rope from the table and handed it to him. He watched as Finnick immediately set to work tying knots.
Taiya's engagement ring sat heavy in Tyler's pocket. He'd done as she asked and held onto her token for her. The sea glass necklace Annie had given her with her two rings - Finnicks engagement ring and Theo's gift - hanging from the chain. He just didn't know how Finnick would go seeing it. He didn't want to make the already unstable man even worse.
Finnick had discovered that if he frantically tied knots in the rope, and didn't stop, it kept his mind distracted from thoughts of Taiya. So long as his hands were actively working, he didn't have time to stop and dwell and think about what was happening in the Capitol. But the moment he stopped, it would hit him like a sledgehammer. Every time.
He'd get hit with emotions of rage. Of terror. Of helplessness. And he'd spiral. It was a vicious cycle, but no one had yet been able to come up with a technique to keep him fully sane and present. Every time he'd slip into one of these states, they'd have to sedate him, the mental toll was just too much to sustain. That meant that he basically slept the whole time he wasn't being visited or tying knots.
At one point Katniss' mother had taken him on a walk around the ward and he'd seen Prim with her hair down. Now Prim and Taiya didn't look similar. But the second he'd seen blonde hair his heart had leapt into his throat, only to then come crashing down when he realised it was his mind playing tricks on him and it wasn't Taiya. It took four orderlies to carry him back to his room after he'd collapsed.
"Finnick?" Tyler's voice broke through his daydream. "Are you listening?"
"Huh?" Finnick dopily replied.
"I think that's enough for today," Buck sighed. They weren't going to get any more out of him for the day. Perhaps Everdeen would have more luck. "We'll see you tomorrow kid," he said as he stood and left the room.
"You just... stay comfortable," Tyler awkwardly tapped Finnick on the leg before he followed after Buck.
*********************
Mrs Everdeen led Finnick and the other patients into the large assembly room. There was a big District 13 meeting. Apparently, he'd been told a few times. He couldn't remember. He just followed along when they woke him from his sleep. He was still wearing his hospital gown and robe.
Mrs Everdeen was keeping a close eye on him. He looked so unfocused. So out of place as he rapidly tied knots in his rope and surveyed the room.
She only took her eyes off him when she noticed her daughter come to stand next to him.
Katniss greeted him but got absolutely no response. She decided to nudge him and repeat herself. "Finnick! How are you?"
"Katniss," Finnick smiled and gripped onto the girl's hand. "Why are we meeting here?"
"I told Coin I'd be her Mockingjay. But I made her promise to give the other tributes immunity if the rebels won. In public, so there are plenty of witnesses."
"Oh good. Because I worry about that with Tay. I mean she's not traitorous, but she'll say whatever it takes to keep her safe in the Capitol."
That confirmed it to Katniss. He hadn't seen Taiya's recent tv interview.
Her mother was quite sure he wasn't near any TVs when Taiya's interview aired, but she wasn't entirely sure. Katniss could only imagine what state he'd be in if he'd seen the interview.
That was the reason Katniss wanted the announcement to be public. Peeta and Taiya, in their own respective interviews, had gone against the whole District 13 ethos and the anger amongst the citizens of 13 was obvious.
It was best to keep him in the dark. He didn't need to know the things she'd said about him. That would only send him spiralling further.
"Don't worry. I took care of it," Katniss gave him a small smile.
"And Annie as well," Finnick hummed. "Annie will say anything they ask her to, no resistance. She doesn't know what's going on. Mags can't speak, so I guess she'll be ok. Well I mean Taiya does speak M.A.G.S language so she could always translate. Or they could get Mags to hold up signs," Finnick sniggered at his own joke.
Katniss had forgotten about Annie and Mags. She gave Finnicks hand a squeeze before she walked to the podium to speak to Coin, ignoring any curiosity she may have about what M.A.G.S language was.
Finnick spaced out for a moment. Thinking about all the things Taiya could say that would make her eventual arrival in 13 difficult. But before he spiralled into a rabbit hole he wouldn't be able to pull himself out of, he felt a tap on his arm. Katniss was back.
Coin called the audience to attention and announced that Katniss had agreed to be the Mockingjay, provided the victors - Peeta, Taiya, Johanna, Enobaria, Mags and Annie - will be granted full pardon for any damage they do to the rebel cause.
The dissent was immediate. The crowd let their thoughts be known.
"What's happening?" Finnick whispered to Katniss. "What are they saying about Taiya and Peeta?"
He wasn't able to distinguish any actual coherent complaints from the crowd, concentrating on being present was hard enough. But he certainly heard them yelling about Taiya. And they did not sound happy
Katniss glanced across at her mother who shook her head. She shouldn't tell Finnick what they'd all seen of Taiya on tv. It wouldn't help him.
"It's nothing," she smiled. And Finnick immediately accepted her poor response. She was already thinking of asking Beetee to edit Taiya's interview in such a way that would help Finnick, not destroy him.
"But in return for this unprecedented request, Soldier Everdeen has promised to devote herself to our cause," Coin continued. "It follows that any deviance from her mission, in either motive or deed, will be viewed as a break in this agreement. The immunity will be terminated and the fate of the six victors determined by the law of District 13. As would her own. Thank you."
*********************
Buck was out taking Finnick for a walk the next day. The doctors thought a change of scenery, getting him out of his hospital room would do him good. Buck thought Panem's golden boy could use an ego boost with the District 13 citizens swooning when they saw him.
Unfortunately, no matter how dazzling Finnick was, the citizens of 13 just weren't attracted to dazed, crying men.
So there was no swooning.
But they did come across a room where they heard Taiya's name being mentioned. This caught both of their attention and they glanced at each other before creeping closer to the doorway to eavesdrop.
"I can do it," Beetee spoke. "Do you think it will help him?"
"He needs a pick-me-up Beetee," Katniss replied.
"In this video, Taiya looks healthy, but he knows her best. I can't promise he won't notice something we haven't and get upset."
"It's a risk we need to take. He needs to see her alive, but he doesn't need to hear everything she said."
"What'd she say?" Finnick demanded as he burst through the doorway. He looked rabid. His eyes were wide and darting around the room.
"Finnick!" Katniss gasped. "Shut it down," she instructed Beetee.
"Don't shut it down," Buck came in, backing up Finnick.
Beetee dismissed this and moved to his computer, there was no way in good conscience he could let Finnick watch this.
"Move another inch four-eyes and I'll tip you out of that chair," Buck threatened, marching towards Beetee who immediately froze. No one knew Buck well enough except the victors from 4 to tell if he was serious or not. He was.
"I promise you, this is not a video you want to see," Beetee tried to reason with Finnick.
"What is it?" Buck asked, taking over on behalf of Finnick. He was in charge of the man for the next hour, this was a decision he was going to handle.
Beetee wheeled himself closer to Buck. "A Capitol interview of Taiya," he explained quietly. "It won't do his well-being any good, trust me. She says some harsh things. Things about him."
Buck glanced over at Finnick. He knew what he should do. There's no way in hell anyone would want Finnick watching this video if it was Taiya spurting out pro-Capitol nonsense. But Finnick already knew there was a video. To withhold it from him now would be cruel.
"I leave it up to you," Beetee threw his hands in the air, metaphorically wiping them clean.
Buck looked over at Finnick, and that had him convinced. As soon as Buck met Finnicks eyes, Finnick was frantically nodding. "Show it," Buck confirmed.
"Finnick," Katniss immediately began protesting, but Buck held up a hand, silencing her.
"It's his choice."
Finnick raced forward. He could barely contain his eagerness. "Play it, play it," he pleaded. Beetee grimaced, but he obliged. "Pause it!" Finnick almost immediately yelled. There she was. She was there. On the screen. Alive. And she looked beautiful. But the thing they were worried about, happened.
Finnick focussed on an irregularity in her makeup. "Can you make that bigger?" he whispered, pointing to the screen.
Beetee glanced back at Buck, a man who was already regretting his decision, before zooming in.
Finnick had spotted the covered-up bruise underneath her eye. The makeup sat heavier there than the rest of her face and her smile was a little off-kilter, from the pain it triggered when smiling.
"We can stop," Buck suggested.
"No, no. Play it," Finnick said quietly.
So Beetee did, and he, Katniss and Buck watched nervously waiting for Finnick's eventual meltdown.
But it never came.
When the video stopped Finnick was smiling. Taiya had spent her interview spewing hatred for her former friends in 4, for all the victors that plotted with the radicals, and her hatred for Katniss. But she'd also spoken about how her relationship with Finnick in the Games was fake, how she couldn't stand him and his arrogance, how she wouldn't have lost a moment's sleep if he died.
Buck knew this girl incredibly well, and even he was shocked by what she said. She'd said it with such malice. But Finnick was smiling.
"Are you ok?" Buck asked nervously.
"I'm great."
"Are you sure?" Buck asked again and Finnick nodded. "That was a lot to take in Finnick."
"It's fine," he waved his hand. "She didn't mean any of it."
"Finnick..." Buck moved forward. He definitely needed to take Finnick back to the hospital, he looked like a Cheshire cat.
"No, no she didn't mean it. I swear. It's a good thing you made that deal Katniss, they wouldn't understand what she meant."
"Finnick," Buck tried to shepherd the man out of the room.
"Seaweed brain!" Finnick yelled, pulling away from Buck. All three others in the room stared at him with concerned eyes. Yep. He'd lost it. "Seaweed brain," Finnick repeated, looking at Buck.
"Yep, ok pal, seaweed brain," Buck wrapped an arm around Finnick's shoulders.
"She called me seaweed brain," Finnick repeated.
"Yeah, I know. We all heard," Buck nodded. Taiya had used it in her rant about her dislike of Finnick.
"It's a message!" Finnick resisted being taken away. At this, Buck released his hold on him and turned to look him in the eyes. "It's a message. It's what she called me the night we first kissed. You've heard her call me that before. It's her way of saying 'You're annoying me, but I still love you'," Finnick pleaded with Buck to understand.
Buck frowned as he looked behind Finnick and at the image of Taiya on the screen. Finnick was right. She used seaweed brain every game night they had to tell Finnick to stop whining about losing.
Finnick was right. She was saying all this rubbish, with rage and disdain in her eyes, but it was all an act. She was still playing the Hunger Games.