L E X I
G O N Z A L E S
My parents have been acting different this whole week.
There's a difference between overprotective and overbearing.
In the last two weeks my parents went from being overprotective to being overbearing. They went from coming home from work late at night and barely being at home, to cutting their working hours and being at home constantly. Like I love them and all but being around them constantly gives me a migraine.
Some may think that this is nice as they just want to spend more time with me, but, anytime I wear a long sleeve or a hoodie they act really weird around me because they think I've relapsed and trying to hide it. Also anytime I'm in the kitchen around sharp objects they get very agitated. That's just what I need when I'm trying to stay clean. It's like they've lost trust in me.
They went from not being there. To being constantly there. Checking up on me constantly has gotten me stressed out. It was nice at the start as they were just looking out for me, but two weeks later I'm just uncomfortable. Last night I could hear them talking about me in the kitchen, I was sat at the top of the stairs hearing their conversation.
They aren't very good whisperers.
School this week also hasn't been fun, it's getting closer to exams and graduation. It's getting closer to the time where I can pack my bag and leave this place and move around the world. It's only the first week back after Christmas break and I'm already done. But it's Saturday today so I'm done with the week but I still need to do some revisions and studying.
So apparently we also now do sit down family meals. Which is nice and all but they don't really talk about anything but work. I got used to eating dinner by myself since my parents get home from work late and have already eaten and also my brothers have obviously moved out. As the youngest child you get used to eating alone.
I liked eating alone, I like my own company. I'm alone, but I'm not lonely. Loki usually lies beside me and I talk to him and I like to think he understands what I say. But I don't think he does.
I do like being around other people and being with my friends but sometimes being alone with my own company is all I need. I'm happy to spend time with my family but it does get a little too much when we go out as a family as we have no privacy because of paparazzi, journalists and reporters that are always invading our privacy or creating fake scandals and headlines.
"Lexi?"
The voice makes me jolt and I accidentally scrape my fork across my plate, the horrible noise sends a shiver down my spine. "Yeah?" I look at both my parents who have empty plates and I still have a full one. I'm not very hungry. I haven't been all week.
"Are you not hungry?" Mom asks me.
"Um, no, sorry" I let go on my fork and run my hands down my leggings as they are very clammy and disgusting.
"Are you feeling alright? Are you getting enough sleep?" She questions me in a concerned tone and looks at me in a weird way.
"Yep" I answer dishonestly, I'm getting zero sleep at the moment. There is just so much on my mind and it's not shutting up, an then when I do fall asleep I end up having nightmares which I never get. I keep waking up sweating and shivering sometimes which then keeps me up for the rest of the night.
"Okay, so Lexi, we've been thinking and we were wondering about taking you to see a therapist" Ay Dios.
"Um-ok" is all that comes out my mouth.
Therapy is my worst nightmare. I tried it once. Never again. I don't like the idea of talking about all my problems to a complete stranger I've never met before. Even though it could actually help me. I'm too scared. I wouldn't know what to say. I used to spend my whole sessions staring at the ceiling trying to figure out what to say but I never managed to put a single sentence together.
"I think it could really help you"
"I don't think it would be a good idea to start it now as there's a lot that's going on now and I have a lot of studying that I need to do and upcoming exams that I need to focus on, so maybe another time" I shift awkwardly in my chair.
"That's not how it works" Dad mutters.
"Speaking of studying I have to go back I have a timer set and a whole schedule and I cannot fall behind" standing up from my chair my legs collapse and I nearly fall the floor but I managed to steady myself with holding onto that table and Loki coming to my side.
"Lexi" I hear my dads voice "are you sure you're okay?" He asks me standing up and stepping in my direction.
"Yep, never better" i nod walking off. Pops and Ami are also here along with Jesse and Devon.
I make it back up to my bedroom without passing out, thankfully. I decide to take a nap as I think that might clear my head slightly and due to my lack of sleep I probably look like a walking corpse.
****
That nap i took yesterday was a horrible idea.
I thought that maybe the nightmares wording come back but they did.
I don't even know where they came from. I never used to have nightmares until recently. Every night I fall asleep at some point I will wake up in fright and also sweaty, it's disgusting.
I've just taken a shower to some what wake me up and remove that cold sweaty feel that I woke up this morning with. I thought a shower would make me feel better, but I still feel numb like I have been for the last ten days.
I think I'm beginning to understand why.
Even though I know he's okay I can't get the image out of my mind. Anytime he is mentioned in conversation or I see him, the image replays in my head.
Everything replays.
The three minutes ,that felt like three hours, for the ambulance to arrive and then the five minutes, that felt like five hours, for the ambulance to drive to the hospital.
Time became my greatest enemy.
I spent hours staring at the clock that was on the opposite wall to where I was sat in the waiting area outside his hospital room. I sat there waiting. Waiting for a doctor to say he was okay, or that he wasn't.
I needed to know something, just anything.
Then when I was finally let into his room to be with him, we both fell asleep with his arms wrapped around me.
The only peace I felt.
I awoke before him and quickly left the room without waking him up. I don't know why but it hurt to leave him so soon, so quickly.
Looking at myself in my vanity mirror, I look exhausted to say the least. My eyes are red rimmed from crying in the shower. I cry a lot as well at the moment. The bags under my eyes hare worse from the lack of sleep I'm getting.
I moisturise my skin before changing into shorts and an oversized T-shirt. I struggle to brush my knotty hair but manage to get it smooth after a while, I braid it from the bottom of my head to keep it out my face.
There's a knock at my door, "come in" I call and my Dad enters, he leans against the door frame whilst I tidy my vanity dropping all my stuff as I'm doing so quickly, "what do you want now?" I ask.
"Your Mom and I are worried about you"
"Well I'm okay, there are bigger things to worry about"
"Well. Those things aren't as important as the wellbeing of our daughter" i look at him through my mirror and he's still by my door with his arms crossed.
"As I've already told you, I'm okay" standing up from my vanity a sudden feeling of faint hits me forcing me to grip onto my chair, I can see Dad move closer quickly. Clearing my throat I enter my closet and start stress cleaning it. I exit my closet with my clothes hamper in my arms, I drop it by my bedroom door turning around.
"Stop"
I freeze at his stern voice, that's when I realise my heart is beating so fast it could burst out my body and I'm breathing like I've just ran a marathon.
"You need to just stop and calm down. You are burnt out and exhausted. Lexi, you can't act like everything is fine when it clearly is not"
"I've been acting like that for the last three years and you have never realised so clearly I can!" My voice is shaking as I try to fight back the tears threatening to break from my eyes.
"I know we haven't been there, but we do that what you're going through-"
"You have no idea what I'm going through! You don't know how I felt that morning, that day, or this week! You have no idea what is was like to see the person you loved and cared about most in this fucked up world on the floor unconscious with spilt drugs and alcohol all around them so you got the idea what have happened, what they did"
"And not only did I think I lost him" I pause, I can't stop the tears anymore "I thought he was gone. I thought he- was dead. I thought he was completely gone and out of my life forever"
"He was lifeless on the floor and there was nothing I could do, I felt helpless and I couldn't help him"
I let everything go that I've been keeping in for too long.
AUTHORS NOTES
I re-wrote this one as I didn't like it but I won't change it anymore. It is pretty much still the same just a little different.
Bye Bye
-Nat 💙