( james potter ) x reader x remus lupin imagine ; in which james potter admits his feelings too late.
— secret & past james potter x reader, secret remus lupin x reader though it probably ain't a secret anymore lol. once again american english sorry. characters are probably ooc. kissing & implied smut. m!reader though i never write men so sorry i definitely butchered this :( also james is such a dick in this i'm so sorry.
❝ i was crazy for you, all caught up and confused
love was broken for me, now it's broken for you ❞
IT HURT, BEING apart from James Potter.
To your friends, he acted as if everything was fine. He acted like you hadn't left him days ( which turned into weeks ) ago. He invited you over to his house for half the summer like clockwork. He didn't acknowledge that for months, almost a year, in fact, you'd creep over to his bed at night and kiss him until he's gasping for air, pinning him to the bed and suck hickeys into his neck that he had to hide using spells. You'd been his first. Yet nothing between the two of you had happened, apparently.
Privately, you'd mourned the loss of him. Not him as a friend, though since your breakup you hadn't been friends — at least not like you'd used to be. But as your boyfriend. Yet no one had known except for the two of you, so you had to grieve him quietly.
Except it hadn't been so quiet. Despite your fake smiles, and your forced cheery chatter to your friends, one person noticed. He noticed how you'd seemed to burrow into your studies more, even though you were more laid back with your grades. He noticed how you'd tried to avoid James. He noticed how you were in the dorm less, staying in the common room until the last moment unless it was a full moon. The Marauders had told you about that secret at the end of first year, but it's not as if you hadn't figured that out already. You literally were their dormmate. They talked loudly.
On a day where James, Sirius, and Peter had been caught doing a prank on some Hufflepuffs and had been sentenced to detention, you'd finally been in the dorm, organizing your belongings because they were hastily strewn around your bed when the door opened behind you. You'd turned to see Remus. You didn't know why you were surprised; he was the only one that didn't get caught.
You gave him a nod of acknowledgement before turning back to fold all of your shirts when he asked, "can we talk, Y/n?"
You shrugged, not making eye contact with him. "Yeah, sure, what's up?"
"Are you okay?" he asked, making you raise your eyebrows. "You haven't been here a lot, or with our friends. You've been with other people a lot."
"I'm fine," you replied. It wasn't exactly a lie, though it wasn't the truth. You were getting there.
"Are you sure? If this is about not joining the Marauders—"
You were baffled. "Why would it be about that? I honestly don't care about your wannabe gang of mischief."
Remus snorted. "Wannabe gang?"
"I know that shit happens when I'm not in here," you said. "I don't give a shit. Unless, you know, if it ruins my life or something. Or my day."
"Don't worry, James told us not to prank you," he said nonchalantly. "Unless it's on the entire school, but I think you've seen those pranks before."
You couldn't help the way your body stiffened when hearing James's name. And Remus clearly noticed. "Is this about James?"
You didn't say anything. You didn't want to. And you probably didn't need to.
"You're my friend too, Y/n." He assured you. "You can tell me what's bothering you. Or not, I don't mind, but I can keep a secret."
You considered that for a few moments. Then you fell back on your pillows, looking around for Remus and finding him sitting on his bed, looking at you. "And you won't tell anyone?"
"Not another soul," he promised.
You stared at your hands, picking at your nails because you felt uncomfortable under his gaze. It was just . . . constant. Like he couldn't stop staring at you, trying to piece you apart and figure you out.
"I like guys," you admitted, blunt but careful with your words.
He stared at you incredulously. "You . . . what?"
You rolled your eyes. "I like other boys romantically, Remus. It's called homosexuality."
"I know that!" He said feebly. "I just didn't expect it."
"Well, now you know that," you said, still messing with your nails. Maybe you should get some rings like Sirius does so you can fidget with them. You'd ask him later where he got his.
"What does this have to do with—" Remus cut himself off, his eyes going wide. "You liked James?"
"It was a lot more than liked," you let out a mirthless chuckle. "But yeah. We were actually a thing, for a year."
"You were," he echoed. "So you guys broke up."
"Yeah."
"I'm sorry."
You shrugged. "It's fine. I'll get over it. It's not as if I haven't dealt with my share of heartbreak."
He looked at you, a little angry, a lot concerned. "Y/n."
"It doesn't make it any less true," you said, but despite this you gave him a small, tight smile. "Thanks, Remus, for listening to me."
"Of course." He gave you a smile back, though it was probably a lot more real and genuine than yours was. "I'm always here for you."
A whirlwind of things had happened after that talk — a week later, Remus was coming out to you as bisexual, and then days after that you'd accidentally kissed him, but you'd liked it a lot and so did he. Yet it took you two another month to get together, mostly because you were still caught up and confused over James and Remus was in self-denial that you could ever want him because he's a werewolf. But you did get together with him, and now you're his boyfriend. Privately.
You were hesitant of a private relationship, especially after the experience you'd had with James, but you were more hesitant of a public relationship. You didn't want people all up in your business, and you weren't ready for the constant homophobia that would've hounded you two for the nearly two and a half years you had left of Hogwarts — of course, if you and Remus even made it that far.
But surprisingly, dating Remus was nice. He was warm, loving, comforting; he was everything you've ever wanted. He spoils you with chocolate and he helps you study. He worships you as if you're a god and he's praying to be cleansed. If being cleansed means kissing all over him until he's like putty in your hands. But every kiss he places on your lips erases the taste of James, so much so that you don't remember what James tastes like anymore.
Instead of sneaking to James's bed, you snuck to Remus's instead, and he snuck to yours just as often. Instead of healing James after Quidditch matches, you heal Remus after full moons. Instead of being in love with James, you were in love with Remus.
And, good god, it's the best feeling in the whole world. You're addicted to that feeling, like how addicted Sirius is to cigarettes. You're still addicted even years later, the summer before your seventh year when you were invited to James's house again for a month and a half.
You arrived last, mostly because your little sister, Maia, was begging you to stay. You told her that you'd come back as much as you wanted to. Which might not be much time at all, but you'd see her all you wanted at Hogwarts in a month and a half for her first year. She'd be fine. She survived every other year without you, and throughout your time at Hogwarts.
"Y/n!" James's mother, Euphemia, immediately embraced you. "Oh, you've grown so tall! And so handsome. Come in, come in!"
You'd wrapped your arms around her before pulling away when she ushered you in, smiling at her as you closed the door behind you, taking off your shoes. "I don't feel like I have," you admitted. "Maia tries to climb me like a tree, though. She's constantly asking for piggyback rides or a ride on my shoulders during walks."
Euphemia led you to where the others were, chatting to you on the way. Even after years of staying at this giant house, you still didn't know where you were going half the time. "How is she? You should bring her more often."
"Nah, she doesn't like the boys," you smiled at the thought of your sister, and of the boys, namely one. "Maybe for the annual summer ball. But she wants to stay in for the summer, maybe be with some of her friends as well. She wants to study and be the smartest one in her year, since she's gonna be a first year."
"Little Maia's going to be a first year?" asked Euphemia. "It seems like yesterday I was holding her as a baby."
"Oh, she still is a baby," you chuckled, making it to one of the living rooms, where all of your friends are sorted. "But, yeah, I'll be bringing her on the train in a month and a half and hoping that she doesn't embarrass herself."
"Y/n, what the fuck!" Marlene screamed when she saw you and Euphemia at the door. Mrs. Potter just smiled at you fondly before leaving, probably because she didn't want to hear Marlene swearing.
"Good god," Lily was staring at you, not even scolding Marlene for swearing, "did you grow half a foot in two months?"
"Why is everyone making such a big deal out of it?" you asked, feeling sort of uncomfortable. Then you made eye contact with Remus, who was staring at you with wide eyes, and you fought back a smirk. "I grew tall. So what?"
"'I grew tall'," Mary parroted, waving her hands at you dismissively. "You're literally the same height as Remus! Remus, go stand next to him! Height check!"
"Height check! Height check! Height check!" Dorcas chanted.
You watched as Remus rolled his eyes, but he pushed himself off of the couch so he could come to stand next to you. His warmth was comforting, something you'd come to miss during the month and a half you'd been apart.
However, when your gaze flickered around, you noticed James staring at you the same way Remus had; wide eyed and in disbelief, as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing.
Meanwhile, Lily was squinting at you both. "Remus is taller by an inch or two," she declared. "And you're, what, 6'3?"
"Yeah." Remus said, "which means you're in the 6 foot club, Y/n."
That used to be a club of only Remus and James. Now you were in it, shorter than Remus but taller than James. At least, you think so. James is only 6', right?
You didn't know nor care. You switched your hold on your trunk to your left hand, then you offered your hand to Remus. When he put his hand in yours, you shook it. His eyes were down at your hand, even when you let go of his after holding it for a second too long.
"Good to be included," you sent him a grin before looking away, finding James still staring at you. As he looked away after being caught, Sirius piped up for the first time since your arrival: "L/n! Good on you for coming fashionably late."
"But?" You asked, knowing his flair for the dramatics.
"Unfortunately, we're redoing a wing of the house," Sirius said in a low voice.
"We're?" repeated James, completely breaking the mood, making you let out a half-snort, half-huff.
"—which means that there's not enough bedrooms for everyone," Sirius continued. "And Evans claimed your room 'cause you got here too late, and we decided that the last two people who arrived would share a room. Which is you and Moony."
"Oh." You glanced over at Remus, who was hiding a smirk, before shrugging. "That's—"
"You could stay with me," James suddenly blurted, making everyone turn to him. "My room's the biggest, you'll be comfortable in there."
"I'm good," you said quickly, "I don't mind rooming with Remus. Besides, you love your space, James, don't you?"
"Yeah, but—"
"Here, I'll show you to the room," offered Remus, and you gratefully took the opportunity, following him out of the living room and down a few hallways.
Since you two were alone, you asked him something because he was always honest with you. "Did I really get that much taller?"
"And prettier," he said, making heat rise to your cheeks. "I don't know how I kept myself from kissing you right in front of them."
You laughed, smiling at him widely as he pushed open a door and led you to a decently sized room with a bed, a dresser, and a comfy chair you knew would be taken up by Remus, reading before bedtime.
There was only one bed, but that was fine. You and Remus had shared a bed loads of times in Hogwarts. It was like second nature at this point to sneak over to his bed and crawl under the covers, whispering Silencio at the curtains and pulling him toward you.
Now you were pulling him toward you, dropping your trunk on the floor. You closed the door behind you and asked him, "what's stopping you now?"
His grin was wolfish as he kissed you, pulling your body to his so closely that your body curved into his, your hands flying to cup his face as he basically devoured you. When he pulled away, you kept your eyes closed, though you couldn't remember when you closed them.
"I missed you," Remus whispered. "More than I've ever missed anything. Anyone."
"I missed you just as much," you opened your eyes, smiling goofily. Then you let him go, pulling out of his arms and picking up your trunk, walking over and dropping it on the bed as you opened it to start unpacking.
Even though his stuff wasn't unpacked, he stayed there watching you. "Bullshit," you could hear the smirk in his voice, "from what I've heard, Maia's taken up all of your time."
You rolled your eyes. "I've had to babysit her the entire summer," you said. "You'd get tired after walking around the same forest with her on your back or on your shoulders at least twice a day."
"I wouldn't mind," he said. "Not if you were there."
You snorted. "Cheesy bastard," you teased, going to put your stuff in the dresser before stopping, looking around the room. "I forgot I'm not in my typical room."
Remus chuckled softly, walking over to you and opening a drawer for you. "Lily took it just before I arrived," he said. Then his smile faded. "Did you see how Prongs was looking at you?"
"Is Prongs Sirius or James?" your eyebrows furrowed as you started shoving your clothes in the drawer.
He snorted. "Y/n."
"That was a serious question! I don't know any of your nicknames or why you have them." You argued, shoving him. "But, yeah, I did. Unless Sirius was looking at me weirdly."
"Not unless you count his shocked expression that you're tall now," Remus said nonchalantly, though you could hear the edge in his voice.
"You know I'm over James," you told him firmly. You'd had this argument sometimes, which was somewhat stupid; now that you had Remus, how could you ever look at anyone else? But you two argued more about his self-hatred. Not about James. "There's no room for him in my bed or in my dating life, and I'm all good now. Especially since someone more special, handsome, and caring is getting all of me," you nudged Remus. "And that someone can't let go of me, even if he wanted to."
He rolled his eyes, but he was smiling proudly, his cheeks flushed pink. "I know. I trust you. I don't trust him."
Even though he's your best friend? You thought, but you immediately dismissed that thought. You couldn't think like that, ever. It wasn't fair to Remus. "If he wanted me so desperately, he should've said it a long time ago," you said. "But he didn't. And now I'm better and happier for it."
Remus didn't look too convinced, but then someone knocked on the door and opened it.
Speak of the devil and he shall appear. James had a tight smile as he looked at you and Remus. "Hey, we're gonna go swim in the pool if you two want to join," he said, glancing around the room and seeing the only bed. "Shit, you only have one bed." He ran a hand through his hair — a nervous habit he had — and said, "we can get you another mattress if you want, Y/n. It'd be kinda cramped, though. You'd have way more space in my room."
You resisted the urge to frown at the last sentence. Remus, however, didn't, but James didn't notice. "Thanks, I'll ask the house elves if they can summon a mattress here," you said cheerily. "I'm sure Remus won't mind. He'll probably step on me again while I'm sleeping on the floor."
"That was one time!" Remus argued.
"Uh huh," you felt a smirk growing on your face as you searched for your swim trunks in your haphazardly placed clothes. "But now it's time for swimming, not time for arguing with me about something you're completely wrong about."
* * *
After hanging out at the pool, in which you played games, had fun, and tried to ignore James's gaze on you, you were finally taking a shower after literally everyone else had because Remus had been using the shower. You had had the house elves summon a mattress for you while he had showered, and by the time you'd finished setting it up he had come out and told you that he'd go and get some food.
You were still in the room, just having finished the skincare routine the girls had drilled into you during first year and about to put your shirt on when someone knocked on the door. Thinking it was Remus being polite, you said, "come in!"
You couldn't have been more wrong. You looked over and your smile faltered. "Oh," you said. "Hey."
"Hey," James greeted, staring at you for a little too long to be platonic before looking away. "I was just, uh — wondering why you weren't in the living room with everyone else."
You sighed. You didn't want to play this game anymore, not with him. "Is that really what you're thinking, James?"
He looked at you, taken aback. "What do you mean?"
"You've been looking at me weirdly since I arrived," you said, feeling like you were talking to a child. He was basically a man-child, though. "Do you want something from me?"
He was staring at you for a good few moments before clearing his throat. "Do you . . . do you remember when we, you know . . ."
"Were in a relationship?" You supplied for him.
"Yeah," he said roughly. "And I realized that, you know, I've been worse without you. I miss you. It's weird to not see you in your typical room—"
"Because Lily has it," you interrupted.
He looked taken aback for a second before continuing, "yeah. And it's been really lonely without you. I've been really lonely without you. So . . . what I'm asking is . . . if we could get back together?"
Now you were the one taken aback, staring at him as if he'd just said something in French. "You what?"
He sighed. "Do you want to be my boyfriend, Y/n?"
"James . . ." you said, feeling really uncomfortable in that moment. "I'm sorry, but you should've said it a long time ago. I've moved on."
It was silent for a really long time. Then he said, "what?"
"I've moved on," you repeated. "I'm really sorry, James, but you should've said it years ago."
He examined you, in that way that made you feel like he was picking you apart, finding every horrible trait about you and bringing them to the surface.
"You've moved on," he said to himself. Then he asked, "you got a new boyfriend?"
You took a step backward, taken aback. "What? No! I don't need to have another partner to get over someone."
But it was as if he didn't hear you. "Who is he? Does he kiss you better than I do? Does he treat you better than I treated you?"
"I'm not having this conversation with you right now," you stormed around him and walked out of the room that wasn't familiar at all, trying to find where the dining room or the living room was.
"You're not even going the right way!" James followed you at your heels, though he didn't try to correct you. "I just want to know who your boyfriend is!"
"I never said I had one," you retorted.
"Bullshit, I know you, Y/n," he snapped. "So, who is he?"
You ignored him. "Isn't it magic?" you muttered under your breath, "that when you stop looking for it, it happens?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked James.
You let out a bitter chuckle. "What else does it mean, James? You treated me like shit."
"No, I didn't."
"You did, you just can't recall a thing because you are so full of yourself!" You snapped, looking around to find an exit. Thankfully, you recognized where you were and stormed ahead of James, finding your way into the kitchen with ease, because no one was in the living room so you assumed everyone was in the kitchen.
Sure enough, you were right, and you made panicked eye contact with Remus as soon as you barreled in the door.
You sat down in the nearest open seat which was between Peter and Dorcas as James came in behind you. "I'm the one full of myself? Are you—"
He stopped when he saw that everyone was staring at one of the two of you.
"You are full of yourself, mate," Sirius commented unhelpfully. "I bet Y/n's right."
"He's not," James bit out. "He's fucking delusional—"
"I was crazy for you," you snapped, suddenly uncaring of who knew what. "I was so fucking caught up and confused with your mixed signals. And now you're lonely, now that you can't hold me like you used to?" You let out a bitter, slightly maniacal laugh. "Love was broken for me, and now it's broken for you."
Lily looked between the two of you. "You mean you two—"
"Surprise, I'm gay," you said, exaggerating your jazz hands. "And I dated James. Worst decision I ever fucking made. It's cool."
You leaned back in your chair, sipping at the cup of water that was in front of you.
"You're gay?" asked Mary.
"You dated James?" asked Lily.
"Wait, how did we not know about this?" Sirius frowned. "We share a dorm."
You shrugged. "I'm good at keeping a secret."
"Like who your new boyfriend is," James went to sit down, looking at you intensely.
"I told you, I don't need a boyfriend to get over you!" You snapped. "And it's none of your business anyway."
He continued to antagonize you, even though everyone at the table looked uncomfortable. You ignored him, finishing your cup of water. Where was the food? Maybe you'd stuff some in James's mouth just so he'd shut up.
After deciding that you should leave and see if you could just go home for summer, you heard a muttered, "fuck it," that was loud enough for you to hear.
You frowned, knowing that voice. As you put your cup down, you looked over to see Remus getting out of his chair and walking toward you.
Oh, Jesus Christ . . . you thought.
He leaned against the back of your chair, and you turned your head to look up at him. He cupped your face with one of his hands and leaned down to kiss you.
It was a searing kiss, one that made your head spin and your vision blur. You closed your eyes and groaned into his mouth.
When you heard a wolf whistle, Remus pulled away, giving you the small smile that he only gives you.
"I'm the boyfriend," he said, making direct eye contact with James. You didn't look at him. "For your information."
James was silent.
"Well, boyfriend," you said to Remus, quickly getting out of your seat, "Will you escort me back to our room? I'll probably get lost otherwise."
Marlene snorted. "Yeah. Lost."
"I swear, I actually got lost trying to get here," you said, walking out of the room with Remus at your tail.
"I wasn't expecting you to do that," you said casually as you walked to your room.
Remus's face fell. "Holy shit. I just outed our relationship."
"Hey," you turned to face him, grabbing his hands. "It's okay. It's not the worst thing that's happened to me today, isn't it?"
He frowned at you. "Don't talk like that."
"Okay," you said, nodding quickly. "But I'll be okay, Remus. It was bound to come out anyway. And it's a part of my identity. I was tired of hiding it. Are . . ." You were the one frowning now. "Are you okay with it?"
"What?" he asked, which made you stifle a chuckle. "Oh. I'm okay with it. I mean, it can't be any worse than Snape trying to tell everyone my secret, can it?"
You rolled your eyes, turning away from him, letting go of one of his hands and dragging him along behind you. "Now who's the one being self-deprecating?"
"Sorry," he said, but he didn't sound sorry. "You're going the wrong way, you know."
"Shit." You let him pull you in the direction of your room. "What if I go home? Spend a couple more weeks there."
He shrugged. "You could," he said. "I wouldn't stop you."
You rolled your eyes at his disappointed tone. "You could come with me, you know. My parents would probably be okay with it. Maia wouldn't, but who cares what she thinks?"
Remus chuckled. "I do," he said. "But I'll consider it."
"Suit yourself," you shrugged, but then you made it to your shared room, and conversation derailed from there.
* * *
Later that night, you were packing your things when someone knocked on the door.
"Come in," you said, looking over to see James standing at the door. "Hey."
"Hey," he said nervously, not taking a step in.
You let him hang out at the doorframe. "Is it alright if I go home for a couple weeks? My parents just got home from vacation. They were pretty pissed that I was leaving just as they came back."
"Yeah, I won't keep you," James said, finally making eye contact with you. "Y/n, I'm sorry for outing you and Remus. I swear, if I had known, I wouldn't have done it."
"I know you would've," you agreed. "You always were more loyal to your boys."
He frowned, but he didn't deny that.
You sighed. "Look," you said, "I wish you had said that sooner. I wish you had a time turner or something so we could travel back in time. I wish you had held me closer instead of your pride and your reputation."
Laughing bitterly, you stuffed some more things into your trunk. "I knew it was you, from the very beginning. You were the person I loved the most. And it took you two years for you to acknowledge that."
You closed your trunk and forced yourself to smile at James. "See you later, James," you said, before apparating to your house.
❝ so you want me now, now, baby?
you shoulda said it, shoulda said it, love ❞