Listen To: "You are The Reason" by Callum Scott
———————————————-
[Please, assume all conversations are in Korean]
"Please wake up Ellie. Wake up . Wake up. Wake up," I hear his voice, barley a whisper, begging me, pleading and brittle; the crack making me believe that he's near tears.
Channie? I've never heard him cry so my heart aches, but I can't see him. My eyes won't open.
Open. Open. Open. I need to see my friend. Why is he sad? Don't be sad, Chan-ah. I'm fine. I'm right here. Why are you so worried?
"Ellie, I love you, please, just wake up for me yeah?" I hear him again but this time his voice is far away, so far away.
———————————————
I'm so cold. Why is it so cold?
"Come on Sweetheart. Wake up for Eomma, please. I need to see your pretty eyes. I miss you so much Eleanor,"
Eomeonim?!?! Why is Yoongi's mom here? Why can't I see her? I'm surrounded by darkness; I can feel her touching me, can smell her, can hear her but why can't I see her?
"Oh my sweet girl, please don't leave us. We can't be without you. He can't be without you darling; he simply can not do this without you and I don't think I will be able to save him," she whimpers through sobs.
I don't understand. Why is she saying that? I'm not going anywhere, Eomeonim. I'm right here. Where's Yoongi? I need Yoongi.
"M'am, please let us through, she's having cardiac arrhythmias and we need to stabilize her heart," I hear an unfamiliar voice.
Yoongi please, where are you? Please...
Please...
———————————————
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
"She's so loved. So many people want to come see her. Did you hear that Min Yoongi's Eomma was here? The rumor is she is his girlfriend," the unfamiliar voice says. I feel my heart beating in my chest, a soft, lingering pain, like an elephant on my chest.
"But did you see that Bang Chan was here? The night nurse told me; said he was broken up, crying so much," the other adds in.
No. Channie is my best friend. My brother. My twin flame. They've got it all wrong. I try and speak but I can't, my mouth won't open.
Why can't I do anything? Why can't I move or talk? I just want to open my eyes. Why? Why can't I do this?
———————————————
"Jimin told me to make sure that your hair was combed, that you hate it when you're hair is messy," I hear her voice again, Eomeonim. "Jungkookie told me to tell you that he misses you. They all do. They're lost without you Sweetheart. They wish they could be here so badly. Taehyung told me to make sure you're wearing your fuzzy socks. Namjoon sent you an orchid, said that it would help bring you peace and tranquility. Hoseokie said to make sure that I put these sheet masks on your face because you are very strict about your skincare. Seokjin told me to make sure the nurses were putting enough vitamins in your IV so that you were still getting nutrition. They love you so much darling, so much. They're going crazy right now. I don't think I've ever seen my son the way he is right now. He told me to play this playlist for you, because you love music and he wants to make sure that you wake up listening to this song in particular," she says and then I hear the music filling my ears, the darkness that surrounds me.
"There goes my heart beating
'Cause you are the reason
I'm losing my sleep
Please come back now
And there goes my mind racing
And you are the reason
That I'm still breathing
I'm hopeless now
I'd climb every mountain
And swim every ocean
Just to be with you
And fix what I've broken
Oh, 'cause I need you to see
That you are the reason..."
I feel my chest tighten. Please. Someone. Help me. Why can't anyone hear me? I need to see my loves; need to tell them I'm okay. Anyone. I feel the warmth of a hand on my face. I can feel it.
"Oh my god. Ella, sweetheart, can you hear? Are you listening darling?" I hear her say. I hear her yell to the nurse.
"Please someone come in here! Why is she crying? Is she in pain? She has tears coming out of the corner of her eyes! Please come in here, help my daughter now!" I listen to the unmistakable desperation in her voice.
————————————————-
Ugh. It feels like every muscle in my body has been wound up in every way possible. I'm overcome with pain. I try and stretch and feel my whole body scream at me. Why is it so hot? I'm burning. I squeeze my eyes and before I can even fathom what I'm doing, my muscle memory takes over and I feel my lids flutter and I'm blinded by light.
Wait. Light? I blink hard, trying to push away the brightness. After a few blinks, I start to see a little more clearly. I let my head fall to the side and look over to see Yoongi's Eomma asleep in the arm chair next to where I am. I let my eyes come back to my body; one arm in a sling, resting against my stomach, and wires and tubes coming out of everywhere.
"Ughhhh" I groan when I try and move slightly and instantly hear the rustle next to me.
"Oh my god!" I hear her scream. I grimace at the loudness and the ache in my body.
"Hi Eommonim," I let out softly.
"Hi?! Oh sweetheart, hi!" She gasps and she jumps up to reach the bed and hugs me.
"Ugh" I moan out in pain.
"Oh i'm sorry. I just— I am just so happy to hear your voice darling. I missed you— we've all missed you so much," she says and I see her eyes well with tears.
"How long have I been out?" I ask her. The last thing I recall is barreling down the road and my car not stopping.
"It's been about 5 weeks," she tells me.
"5 WEEKS?!" I yell, the pain in my chest radiates down my whole body.
"Shhh, relax. You need to stay calm. I'm going to call the nurse," she tells me.
The nurse comes in, checks all my vitals and then talks to me about the things I've missed. I wait for the doctor to come in and hear Yoongi's mom on the phone excitingly telling the person or people on the other line that I've woken up. I don't know how to feel. How to process what has happened.
Eommonim tells me she's going to go home to talk to everyone and update them and also bring me some pajamas and a few of my belongings. She kisses me and hugs me profusely, telling me that she will be back soon. The nurses take me to get a few tests done; bloodwork, scans, and meetings with specialists and by the time I know it, it's been a few hours and I'm shaken from my thoughts by a knock comes on the door to I see Detective Lee walk in and smiles widely at me.
"El-ssi, it's wonderful to see you. How are you feeling?" He asks me.
"I'm sore and I know I've been asleep for the last 5 weeks but i'm so tired," I tell him.
"That makes sense. Well, I didn't want to bombard you today but we were informed that you woke up so we wanted to come and say hello and give you a small update. We know that the person that tampered with your car was indeed Zane. We have traced his location to be here in Seoul and also have reason to believe he was not acting alone, as to not set off the authorities. When we took a look at your vehicle, we found some fingerprints on the glass surfaces and they did indeed match to those we took upon his arrest," he tells me. "Similarly to before, he is not working alone. We believe he has at least 3 people working to help him— people he's gotten to become close to you so that he can have access to you," he finishes.
I let out a deep sigh, the pain felt in my chest running further than physically, knowing exactly who could be helping him with trying to ruin me. Flashes of Ae Cha, Taek, and Nabi filling my mind and absolute anger coming over me at no one except for myself. How could I be so fucking stupid? When will I learn that I can not trust people and I can not allow myself to just let people in when they show me the slightest form of love.
"We can talk more about this at another time. I just wanted to come and see you and assure you that we are doing everything possible to make sure that Zane is not only captured, but is finally tried for his crimes," he tells me. "Please, get some rest. We will contact you once we have more information," he concludes.
"Thank you Detective Lee," I say and slightly bow my head. He let's himself out of the room and I take a second to look down at my body. I pull the blanket off of my legs and look down, scars and bruises littering my once golden skin. Eommonim told me that my leg was broken but my cast was off last week so now I'll need to work on physical therapy to regain my strength. I wiggle my toes and feel a sense of relief knowing that at least I'll still be able to walk. I feel disgusting and wish that I could just shower.
I pull my hospital gown up to look at my torso; my body looks frail and gaunt but my eyes go directly to the butterflies tattooed on my skin and I feel an overwhelming sense of yearning; the need to see them, to hold them, to be held by them and to know that they're okay. The fact that it's been 5 weeks and I have no clue if they're been here, if they are doing well; I need the reassurance, I need them. I feel the panic start to settle into my chest and I feel like I can't breathe.
I hear a small knock on the door and answer to let them know to come in. I look up and see Yoongi's mom, her arms full of bags and a huge smile spread across her face.
"I wish you knew how happy I am seeing you awake when I open the door,"
——————————————
I spend the next 5 days focusing solely on regaining my strength. I meet with mental health professionals, my own therapist coming into see me every day. We talk about how I feel about what happened to me and my thoughts and feeling about the way my life has become since being in Seoul. Chan visits me every single day; staying by my side and helping me with physical therapy. The NCT boys send flowers and video call me often and it feels so incredibly fulfilling to know how loved I am.
My boyfriends are going crazy. I've never seen Seokjin so on edge. Yoongi, Namjoon and Hoseok try and be the calm for the team but it doesn't seem to help. Taehyung and Jungkook keep complaining and fighting against management to be able to come visit but it's unsuccessful. I get it, it's a huge safety concern. And then there is Jimin— my sweet, sweet boy; my heart breaks every time I speak to him. The sound of his voice filled with desperation and sadness. "I just need to be near you," he whines. It causes everything in me to fight harder; to work with everything that I have to be with him as soon as possible.
By the 5th day, my team of doctors come in and I'm given the okay to go home and while I'm so excited to leave and go home, I'm scared. Every sound I hear makes me jump, every knock on the door has me in a panic and the mere thought of being alone suffocates me with fear. I ride in the car with Yoongi's mom as she drives us home. I feel the overwhelming nerves creeping up; manifesting as tension at the base of my neck and an incessant feeling of worry and doubt.
"It's going to be okay sweetheart. They miss you so much," she tells me as she looks over at me and I can't help but feel the onset of tears brimming in the corners of my eyes. I look out the window and see the familiar scenery of home as we drive up the long driveway, the big beautiful house we own together coming into view. She puts the car in park and I look over at her, my heart slamming in my ears and the feeling of heat spreading to my face and neck.
"Breathe. Nice deep breaths, darling. It's okay. You're safe. Eomma is here," she says to me as she turns to face me and grasps my hands tightly. I don't even know why I'm reacting this way. I don't know why I'm so scared; terrified. I miss them. I want them. I feel safe with them but anytime there has been moments of physical distance between us, I always worry that what we have isn't as strong as I thought it was. The stupid insecurities that have plagued me during our whole relationship rearing it's ugly head.
"Look at me," she says to me. I wipe my face with my hand and then look into her eyes. "You're scared and it's okay to feel scared. But don't let your fear warp your mind into thinking that you're not the most loved and needed person to them. Don't let your anxiousness convince you that what you have isn't real, beautiful, and a once in a lifetime type of love. I will sit here with you and tell you this until I'm blue in the face, until you understand it," she says, her tone firm but still comforting. I take a deep breath and nod at her.
"Look," she says as she motions behind me. I turn around and my stomach erupts with butterflies at the sight of the seven beautiful men who have saved my entire life; standing at the entryway and staring at the car. I smile at them, knowing that it's taking everything in them not to run to me. Yoongi's mom steps out of the car and I watch her grab my crutches from the backseat, comes to the passenger side to open the door for me. She reached out for my hand and I grab is as she helps me place the crutches so that I can hobble my way to the door.
I make my way and stop a few feet in front of them but I can't seem to bring my head up to look at them. I can feel my breathing accelerate and I close my eyes and remind myself of Eommonim's words. I am so focused on my breathing that I barley grasp the touch under my chin pulling me up.
"Sweet thing," I hear him whisper and my whole body is covered in goosebumps. "Look at me baby," he says, almost like a beg. I open my eyes and find his; dark and glassy, rimmed with tears.
"Hi" I let out, not knowing what else to say. I watch as a tear rolls down his face and I reach up and wipe it away with my thumb. Watching Namjoon break emotionally does something to me; it makes me want to do anything I can I care for him and make sure that nothing ever happens to make him cry again. I know situations like these are out of our control but I can't see him like this. He's our backbone. Our leader. Our rock. He's my lover. The love of my life. My everything.
"I—" he lets out, his breath getting stuck in his throat.
"Shhhh," I say to him. "It's okay baby, I'm here now," I tell him.
"Let's get our girl inside," I hear Eommonim say as she places her hand on my back. I see Jungkook step forward to me and extends his arms, asking if he can touch me. Yoongi grabs my crutches from behind me and JK gently wraps his arm around my waist and then scoops my legs up carefully. I let my head fall onto his shoulder and press my nose against his neck, breathing him in. He walks us into the house and I feel an immediate sense of comfort.
I feel Jungkook lean his head on mine and the rising and falling of his chest as his breathing is labored; I wonder if i'm too heavy for him or if he's uncomfortable but when I look up, all I see are tears streaming down his face. He's crying, holding back sobs, it seems like and it hits me like a ton of bricks; as much as I've been anxious and scared and freaked out.
"Kook-ah," I whisper as I let my hand come up to his face. He reaches the living room and sits down on the couch, gently keeping me on his lap but pulling me as close as he can, wrapping his arms around me.
"I don't know what to do to keep you safe anymore. I don't know how to make sure nothing like this ever happens to you again. Am I being selfish? Do I need to just let you go?" He says softly in between sobs and my stomach drops. I try and not let his feelings of inadequacy fuel my fear of them not needing me or loving me because I know he does. He is my day 1. The sweetest boy who captivated me with those doe eyes and that bunny smile. The one who rewrote my story and showed me that even when I feel like I'm not worthy, he does love me and I do deserve him.
"Do you still want me?" I ask him, honesty beating composure to my mouth. He jerks his head up and those big, beautiful, galaxy eyes that made me fall for him at first sight find mine.
"I will never not want you. I love you Ella. I love you so much," he says as he starts to frantically place small kisses all over my face; my lips, my nose, my cheeks, my eyes, my chin, my forehead.
"Don't you remember what I told you?" He asks me. I furrow my eyes in confusion. "Out of all the people in the world, I chose you. I want you. I love you," he says and that's what does it, I let the tears flow from my eyes as I remember the conversation; he asked me one day, months ago, if I believed that I loved him. I told him I did but didn't understand why when he could have anyone and that was his response to me.
"Then let's make this work," I tell him. "It's not your fault that things happen. If you don't want to be with me, that's okay. I can take that loss but if you love me, will you fight for me? Fight for us?" I ask him. He leans his head up and softly; so softly that I think I might have just dreamed it, his lips ghost over mine.
"I love you," he whispers as he kisses me again and I close my eyes and let myself get lost in his touch; lost in the way I am so deeply, truly, madly in love with him I am. I pull away from the kiss, trying to catch my breath.
"Noona," I hear a soft voice behind me. I turn my head and see Jimin and my heart years to touch him. Jungkook stands up with me still in his arms and turns to sit me down on the couch, making sure I'm comfortable and safe. He steps aside and lets Jimin come to me; kneeling in between my legs and grabbing my hands, placing them on his face. He closes his eyes and exhales; I feel him shake under my palms.
"Jimin-ah," I say.
"I missed you so much. I was so worried about you. You... you're my everything. I can't function without you. I can't be without you," he gasps as his breath hitches. My heart is breaking.
"I missed you too baby boy; so, so much. Look at me Jimin-ah," I beg him. He opens his eyes and meets mine and I can see the vulnerability in his eyes. "I love you," I say to him. "I'm right here. I'm safe. Touch me. Look, I'm right here," I continue to try and calm him as I see small sobs shudder through his body. I grab his hands and pull them on to my face, bringing him closer to me. "I'm right here baby. I'm not going anywhere," I reiterate. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and press him tightly against me, my fingers tangling in his hair as I hear him whisper into my ear.
"당신 없인 못 살아 [ I can't live without you]". I feel my whole body shiver at his words. Sometimes, it's hard for me to grasp just how much they love me and it's moments like this that bring it all full circle; as much as he's my everything, he's my wildest dream come true, I am that for him. After he's calmed down a little bit, he kisses my cheek softly and then stands up and allows for Taehyung to come to me. He sits on his knees and grabs my hands in his and kisses them.
"My Angel. Mine. Mine. Mine," he chants between kisses.
"I love you Taehyungie," I say to him. He looks at me and then leans in and kisses my lips softly; as if I could break beneath him. I cup his face and pull him further into me, my body's reaction to needing him so desperately.
"In all my life, I never thought I'd be able to find the love I've found in you," I whisper against his lips. I hear him exhale shakily and he kisses me again. He stands up and I laugh for the first time in a while as he continues to kiss me as he pulls away from me and allows Hoseok to take his turn. I look at Hobi and I feel my heart stop when my eyes take him in; dark bags under his eyes and I'm pretty sure he's lost weight. Hoseok is always positive presenting; my sun, my happy pill and guilt overwhelms me when I realize that I've allowed his outward actions to shield me from seeing how he's really doing.
"Come here" I say and immediately and scoot forward, stand up and wrap my arms around his waist and letting my lips fall against his neck. His arms envelope me and he's holding me so tightly that I feel like I can't breathe but I'm happy that he's not holding back, that he's not treating me like I'm fragile or breakable.
"I'm sorry Hobi. I'm so, so sorry," I say to him as I stroke the back of his hair; trying to do whatever I can to comfort hm. He pulls away from me and looks at me, his eyes filled with confusion.
"Wha—What are you talking about? Princess, what are you apologizing for?" He asks me as he cups my face in his hands, towering over me.
"Because I haven't given you the attention you need. I haven't been there for you," I tell him.
"Princess," he whispers as he leans down and kisses me. "I love you, more than I will ever love anyone for my entire existence," he mumbles against my lips. "You give me everything I've ever needed, everything I've ever dreamt of and wanted. You're it. Just stay by my side; stay with me forever," he says to me. He continues to kiss me, whispering words of adoration and reassurance. He begrudgingly lets me go and give Yoongi the space to walk to me.
The moment my eyes find Yoongi's, I'm done. I'm down so bad for him and it hits me HARD that I don't know what I would ever do without him. He doesn't let me speak, doesn't let me move, doesn't let me think. His hands come to my face and he kisses me deeply. He takes my breath away; instead filling my entire being with absolute yearning.
"For as long as I live, I will fight for you," he says. "Fight with me, yeah?" He asks me. I kiss him again, letting go of every reservation, every worry and every negative thought I had in my mind. I kiss him knowing that I will fight for us until the day I take my last breath because in my whole life, they are the only thing I've ever been sure of. After a few more kisses, a few more promises of forever, Yoongi kisses me once more and then backs away and I see Seokjin standing before me; talk in stature but looking so small before me.
He takes a small step forward to where I am standing and then drops down to his knees. I am slightly confused but then I watch him bend at the waist, extending his hands forward and bowing at my feet. I look around the room and see everyone's eyes brimming with tears as they watch their eldest brother's show of reverence toward me. I feel the tears falling down my face as I look at him and feel dutch an overwhelming sense of gratitude toward the man bowing before me. I forget about the pain in my body, about the physical trauma I recently endured and I squat down to pull him to look at me.
"Seokjin-ah. My love," I tell him as I try and pull him up. He stays down, his head on his forearms. "Baby, please, look at me," I say. He pushes himself up and his red eyes find mine.
"I love you Jinnie," I tell him. "I love you so much," I say again and I hug him, embracing him, calming him.
"Forever and ever," I whisper into his ear.
——————————————————-
The next few days fly by. I spend most of it in physical therapy and meetings with my therapist while the guys work. I've gotten almost full mobility on my injured leg and besides my very small limp after being on my feet for too long, it's not obvious that my leg was broken. The bruises have subsided and the cuts have healed but the trauma from what I went through is a work in progress. My therapist starts slowly, getting me to open up about how I feel but after almost two weeks (almost 8 weeks after my accident), we stop beating around the bush and she asks me the difficult questions.
"Did it ever cross your mind that you could have tried to pull the emergency break?" She asks me and I'm caught off guard at the tone of the question.
"Everything moved so fast, not much made sense in that moment," I tell her.
"But you had the sense to say your goodbyes over the phone? To come to the conclusion that you could just give up?" She hits back at me.
"What are you insinuating?" I ask her, anger bubbling in my chest.
"I'm not insinuating anything El-ssi. I'm asking you why instead of trying to find a solution, you instead decided to find an end?" she continues. I hadn't thought about it. It hadn't occurred to me that I could get out of that situation. But why hadn't it? Why didn't I go for the e-break?
"I— I just. I don't know," I say, realization hitting me hard and tears welling in my eyes when I realized why I did it.
"You gave up," she tells me.
"I gave up," I agree with her.
"Push came to shove and you gave up," she pushes.
"Why?" I cry. Why did I give up? I love them; but I gave up and I don't know why.
"We will figure that out but for now, just know that no matter how you felt in that moment, deep down inside, I don't think you wanted to give up. I think it's easy to feel overwhelmed and inundated by situations happening around you and in that moment, you were holding on to a lot so maybe, just maybe, you decided in that moment, to take the easy way out and give up but I know you. I know you wouldn't give up on them or you and your lives together but I think that things got hard and you thought that that was the best and easiest way out," she tells me.
"I love them," I tell her. "I would never leave them," I say, wiping the tears from my eyes.
"I know El-ssi. I know you do but we need to figure out why you don't believe them when they say they would never leave you too," she says.
"We have a lot of work to do, yeah?" She says to me and I nod and it's in that moment that I know she's right.
——————————————————-
"Baby Girlllllllllll!" I hear a voice booming down the hallway and I can't help but smile at my computer screen knowing that Seokjin is going to burst in here asking me if I ate. I've been working all day; catching up on edits, campaigns, and rescheduling the things I've missed in my nearly 2 months away. I am getting back to work full time and I'm starting with a bang tomorrow with a full day; meeting with NCT and having a fitting for Nouvelle Mariee and then a meeting with a manager at KQ Entertainment to work with a new group. I see him standing at my doorway as he crosses his arms and stares at me. I push myself away from my desk on my rolling chair and turn to him.
"Hi," I say. He walks to me, grabs my hand and pulls me up, slamming me against his chest. I feel butterflies in my belly, missing being close to him physically and intimately but I know that I'm ready. I had a doctors appointment and he cleared me and my mind and heart are a work in progress. But working on our relationships; the trust, the connection, involved work emotionally and mentally but that doesn't mean that the physical aspect of it needs to be ignored.
"Did you eat?" He asks, his lips making their way down my neck. How the fuck am I supposed to have a conversation when he's touching me this way and it's been nearly 8 weeks? He stops at my collarbone, sucking softly on my skin and my fingers tangle into the hair on his nape.
"I'm starving," I tell him as I pull him up to kiss him. I hear him let out a soft moan into my mouth and it makes every hair on my body stand. His hands roam down my body and I feel him grab onto my ass as he pulls me closer and I can feel him, hard against me.
"Fuck," I whine as I pull off, trying to catch my breath.
"You said you'd come get her so we could eat and now the food is getting cold Hyung," I hear a voice and see Yoongi standing at the door. Seokjin's still lips are still buried against my neck and I'm sure I look so fucked out just from some light making out. I look at Hobi and watch as his dark eyes land on mine and his tongue pushes against the inside of his cheek.
"Seokjin-hyung! Jungkookie is eating your sashimi," I hear Jimin yell from the kitchen. Jin groans and pulls away from me, walking out the door while yelling at Jungkook as he runs down the hall.
"자기야 [baby]," I hear Yoongi say as I walk toward him.
"Yes baby?" I say as I step in front of him and wrap my arms around his neck, pressing myself against him, indulging in how he feels against me.
"One year," he says simply and I gasp. I can't believe I forgot.
"Oh my god," I let out. "One year," I repeat.
"A year ago you I found you sitting in the middle of the Stadium and I told you that I wanted a chance with you," he reminds me. It all comes flooding back to me; the way he made me question myself and how I had feeling for both him and JK. Questioning whether any of it could work. He pushes my hair behind my ear and his fingers lace into mine.
"Wow," I breathe out. "I can't believe it's been a year," I tell him.
"The biggest gamble I've ever taken and the best decision I've ever made," he tells me.
"I fucking love you," I tell him. "One year down, forever to go," I finish as I kiss him.
"THE FOOD IS GETTING COLD" we hear Jungkook yelling as my phone rings simultaneously from my desk. I laugh into his kiss.
"Go. I'll be right there," I tell him as I push him out the door.
"Hurry up," he says as he kisses me quickly and then walks out of the door. I grab my phone and look at the screen, an unknown number. I slide my finger across the screen to answer.
"Hello?" I answer in Korean.
"Ella," I hear a familiar voice and my stomach drops, knowing exactly who it is.
"What do you want?" I ask when my voice finally comes back to me.
"I need you to meet me. If you want to be safe forever, I need you to meet me and end this," I hear.
I swallow hard and close my eyes and wonder if this is what I need to do to finally stop this fucking nightmare.