August 18th, 2022
A lot can change in a month.
I've been starting to feel like I'm finally finding my groove here in Seattle. Only took me four months, but it's nice to be here. I've felt a lot more like myself than I have in a long time and it's a really nice change of pace.
Although my nightmares still haven't stopped, I haven't seen Alex in my apartment again and I'll take that as a win. At least with the nightmares when I wake up he's gone. I'm slowly learning what my triggers are and how to care for myself afterwards. There are times I still feel like I'm being followed or watched, but I've talked myself out of it being anything serious and chalked it up to still being paranoid over what happened last month.
I have a good balance of routine and spontaneity in my life right now. My schedule at work isn't technically set, but for the last two and a half weeks I've been working the exact same days and shifts and it's been great for me to actually find a life outside of work and Eddie's. Gianna, Joey, and I have been hanging out more at other places that are not Eddie's, for no particular reason.
We've also been hanging out with someone somewhat new.
Niall.
It started out with Niall calling Gianna to go out with him, to which Gianna politely declined which she later explained she just "wasn't feeling it" but did still invite him out to lunch with all of us one day. From there, he just starting showing up every few times to different things we did. Niall is really sweet, just a happy to be there kind of guy. Very laid back and puts down beer like it's a competition.
No sign of Louis though, which I'm not exactly sad about.
Sometimes I do think about how against Harry is of their mere existence, but I know it's probably just some stupid dick size competition. There is a part of me that feels like I hold back a bit when Niall is around, just in case.
Speaking of Harry, I haven't spoken to him since that day at Voodoo last month.
About a week after that awful day, Harry sent me a text. Two words, that mean absolutely nothing to me and therefore I haven't responded.
I'm sorry.
I have nothing to say to him. Time and time again his actions and words have proven to me that he doesn't give a shit about me. I mean at this point he's said it to me more than once so now I'm taking the hint. I'm done.
But I can't say there isn't a part of me that misses him. He would fit so well into our little group and bring that different sort of light I think everyone needs. I miss Zayn too. He was always so fun to hang out with and him and his goofy attitude would mesh so well with us.
Zayn and I do text occasionally, which I'm sure Harry doesn't know about. We usually just send pictures of our own artwork, and I think it's kind of our way to check up on each other without actually asking. I send him my finished pieces of jewelry and he sends me sketches from his sketch book. His artwork astounds me and it almost makes me borderline angry when I get something comparable to Leonardo Da Vinci with a message following up to it saying "rough draft :)".
I've also finished Harry's ring.
I don't know why I did it. Maybe for closure, I'm not sure. I got an idea that I knew he would love and before I could talk myself out of it, I'd already started. And then I couldn't stop.
It ended up being really beautiful and it's shame I'll never get to see it on one of his long, veiny fingers. I was never quite sure if he was serious about wanting one or if he was just looking for something else to give me shit about, but nonetheless it's done and now collecting dust in my desk drawer.
As of recently, Gianna and I have taken up hiking. We've been going to different trails and everywhere we've been has just been so breathtakingly beautiful. It's been so great for my mental health to be active and with nature. I've found a few spots for when Shaye can finally come up and visit and we can take mushrooms together out in the woods.
"Only one more mile to go and we'll reach the waterfall!" Gianna says excitedly, taking a big gulp of water.
I wipe the sweat off my forehead and take a big a breath. "This hike was rough, but it's been worth it so far and it's only going to get better," I respond, sounding like I'm trying to convince myself more than anything, but these intermediate hikes are no joke.
We continue up the slope until we reach the waterfall, which really did make the way up here completely worth it. All you can see is green pine trees and moss for miles on all sides and in front of us is fast moving crystal clear water running down rocks the size of your average car.
We find a flat rock to sit on nearby and enjoy the sounds of the rushing water. It's too loud for us to be able to talk to each other without yelling anyway, but we take this time alone to just enjoy nature. We brought a pre rolled joint with us and thankfully there are no other hikers on this trail, so I silently take it out of my backpack and spark it up for us pass between each other.
We sit for close to an hour before deciding to head back before the sun sets. We never hike before sunrise or too close to sunset being two women walking alone. It's scary enough out here during the day and risking our lives at night is not something we ever do.
I can feel the buzz of the high lingering behind my eyes as we make our way down, but the way back is much easier and with the high still there, everything looks brighter and feels lighter.
Gianna and I make small talk on the way down, bitching about work and making plans for the weekend. She has really become one of my best friends and it makes me feel a pang of sadness in my chest when I think about the day I'm going to have to leave her and everything I've built here behind for somewhere new. I never typically make close friends, mostly just acquaintances in the places I travel to to avoid this kind of heartache, but it's hard not to get close to G.
We get in the car and a comfortable silence falls over us as the clouds darken up over us and a few rain drops make their way onto the windshield. The sound of the radio is playing quietly in the background and thoughts of dinner, a shower, and my book run through my mind while I mindlessly tap my fingers against the steering wheel and Gianna quietly scrolls through her phone next to me.
I'm pulling up to Gianna's apartment complex when she clears her throat and looks over at me. "Before I go inside I have a question for you," she says a bit quietly and my eyebrow cocks up at her.
"Everything okay?" I ask as I pull into a parking spot.
"No, yeah, everything's fine," she assures me. "It's about Zayn."
"Oh?"
"We've been talking here and there since you and Harry fell out," she continues. "He may or may not have asked me out on a date."
I immediately perk up and get excited at the thought of Zayn and Gianna together. Now that she's mentioned it, it actually makes too much sense. They'd be perfect for each other. I'd definitely like to see Zayn more too under the guise of hanging out with G, but I haven't wanted to cross any boundaries with Zayn knowing where his loyalties are.
Gianna, however, looks nervous next to me. Does she not like him back?
"That's great, G! Seriously, Zayn is such a good guy. Why do you look so apprehensive?"
"Well I wanted to make sure you were comfortable with it before said yes and if you are that's like, totally fine. Like, you have like history and together and there's with the thing with he who shall not be named, and like I just didn't want to like—"
I roll my eyes playfully and cut her off, smiling. "You can say his name, he's not Voldemort. I'm over Harry completely, and Zayn and I didn't really have any chemistry. You should go for it, really!"
"Oh thank god," she breathes out and I see her shoulders drop slightly. "Thanks, Cass. I might have been a little dramatic but our friendship means like, so much to me."
I have to fight the tears that threaten to well up. Gianna deserves the entire world and I hate that I won't be around long enough to give that to her. I swallow back the stinging feeling in my throat and grab her hand. "I love you. Keep me updated about your date and have the best time okay? Get inside before it gets too wet out there!"
We say our goodbyes and by the time I pull up to my building, rain has started coming down in buckets. The evening sky is dark with intimidating gray clouds and thunder and lightning surrounds everything. I run out of my van and into the building as fast as I can, but I still end up soaking wet, cursing myself for not preparing with a rain jacket just in case.
When I get inside my dark apartment, it feels stuffy and I can smell the rain through my walls. I open up a window to get some air circulating and then immediately turn to get into a hot shower. I love showers so hot I can see the steam come off my skin and when I'm done with my routine I stand under the water until I feel it get the slightest bit cool and turn it off behind me.
I get into a pair of oversized sweats and a tank top and towel dry my hair before I go heat up some leftover takeout. I let my music play softly in the background, humming along to Honeybee by The Head and The Heart. It feels like the perfect night with the sound of the rain and thunder through my open window.
It's nearing 11pm when I lay down on my couch with a book in my hand, ready to relax for the night. Another half an hour or so passes before I feel my eyes getting heavy and the words on the pages start to blend together.
Until I hear a knock at my door.
I jolt up in my seat at the sound and I'm suddenly very awake. My heart rate picks up and I try to be reasonable to say it's probably just Gianna or Joey stopping by unexpectedly, but that's not like them. Unless there is something wrong. Or it's that crazy stalker showing their face ready to murder me.
Or it's someone coming to find me.
The person knocks on the door again, a little more forcefully this time and I grab a knife from my kitchen and creep towards the door quietly. I try to look out of the peephole but I can't see anyone there and it does nothing but make me more anxious.
I slowly open the door and peak around it and I'm met with the green eyes I never thought I'd see standing at my door again.
Harry.
Even though the sight of him makes my breath catch in my throat, I barely get a look at him before I'm rolling my eyes.
"Go away, Harry!" I shout and I go to shut the door, but his foot stops it from closing.
"Harry what do you—" I start but he cuts me off. I open the door a little wider and it's then I notice he's soaking wet, holding a bouquet of peonies in his hand.
"Just let me do this, okay? And if you never want to see me again after this then... fine." He takes a deep breath in and locks eye contact with me before continuing.
"My favorite color is lavender. I'm an Aquarius and I'm not sure how much I believe in astrology but I read my horoscope every day. If you tell me your birthday, I'll read yours too. I really like it when the moon is shaped like a toenail. I love jazz music. I hate milk, no matter what it always smells sour to me. When I was 8 years old, I fell out of a tree and broke my arm. It's the only time I've ever broken a bone. I like to sleep in but I don't like wasting the day, so no matter what I'm usually in a bad mood when I first wake up."
"Harry—"
"I'm not done," he pauses for a moment. "I love to bake, but I'm not very good at it. I run almost every day because it helps my mood. It gives me a high nothing has ever come close to giving me. I read romance novels for fun. I like happy endings. I like watching reality TV. When I was sixteen years old, I got my first guitar and taught myself how to play listening to a rock music station that my shitty alarm clock was stuck on."
What is going on right now? Did I enter some alternate reality while I was out today? Did that waterfall have magic powers?
I'm still pissed at him, but I can't pretend I'm not swallowing back tears at this sweet gesture. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, I can't help it. But he's not out of the dog house yet. Not even close.
"I work a really dangerous job sometimes, Cassie," he swallows harshly. "I hate it. I feel like I have to turn into someone else in order to do it, but I do it because I have no other options. I don't answer questions about my family because I have none, not anymore. Jim is my family and I'm bound to this work for the foreseeable future. I wanted to protect you from that. From me. And then I wanted to be selfish with you and let you in until I realized you are... magnificent. And you deserve better than me."
"Harry, that's a choice I need to make on my own," I snip at him, but stop myself from going further because here he is, pouring his heart out to me and I want to show him a little compassion.
"I know, I know," he says softly. "That's why I'm here now. You should make that choice for yourself. It's no excuse for how I've treated you. I've been so horrible to you and you deserve to have someone who wants to give you the entire universe. I want to give you that. If you'll let me. I like it when you say my name. I like that you wear your heart on your sleeve. You make me feel like myself again. You make me feel. I want to be a better person when I'm around you."
I can see the gears turning in his head like he wants to continue but I remember that it's pouring outside and he probably walked all the way here. His clothes are sopping wet leaving a puddle on the floor below him and he's visibly shivering. I notice his teeth chattering and his lips are turning an alarming shade of blue.
Without thinking I grab his hand and pull him inside locking the door behind him.
"It's cold and you're wet. I have some men's sweats that should fit you if you want to go take a hot shower," I keep it short with him.
"Does this mean you forgive me?" the tone of his voice sounds so small in this moment and I want to scream that I forgive him and I'll always forgive him, but I can't allow him to walk all over me.
"No. Not yet. You're going to have to work really hard to gain my trust back. But... I want to let you do that." I grab the flowers from his hand and set them down on my kitchen counter along with the kitchen knife, not rushing to put the flowers in water since they're probably ruined anyways. "The flowers are a good start."
He lets out a breathy laugh and a wave of relief flashes over his features and his shoulders relax a bit. "I truly do not deserve you, Cassie Bennet. I will work every day to show you how much I care for you."
"Go get in the shower you sap," I wave him off. "Towels are under the sink."
He nods gratefully and turns to walk into the bathroom, but before he shuts the door he makes eye contact with me and I swear I see a film of tears over his eyes. I give him a half smile and he shuts the door behind him.
I settle back into my couch unable to focus on anything anymore other than calming my pounding heartbeat down. I hope I'm not making a mistake by letting him in the way I did. Like I said, I'm a hopeless romantic. All I wanted was vulnerability and for him to be able to share basic things about himself to me and he gave me that and more.
It kind of explains his behavior at Voodoo that day. I'm assuming he had to do something for Jim which put him in fight or flight mode and
he chose fight. It also explains why he kicked me out that night. It doesn't excuse it, but it at least gives me some sort of context.
I was serious when I said he's going to have to work really hard to gain my trust back. I know myself and I know I'm constantly going to be wondering if and when he's going to switch up on me. If I'm going to say something that upsets him and instead of talking about it to me he just leaves again. Which is why I'm going to be very cautious.
I can't help my nature though. I tend to be very much the mother hen type and I want to protect every person who comes into my life and try to make them feel as safe as possible with me. It's a very hard line to walk in these situations, but I have faith in myself that I will figure it out.
"Your eyes aren't blue."
I about jump out of my skin at the sound of Harry's voice behind me. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even hear the shower turn off. But his words remind me that I did in fact not put in my contacts before answering the door. Fuck.
"Um... let me get some sweats for you, sorry," I ignore his statement and jump up to dig the pants out of my dresser drawer. When I straighten up to toss them over to him, my breath catches in my throat at the sight of Harry in front of me. Nothing but a loose towel dangerously low on his hips, his wet skin shining in the dim light, his tattoos on display for me to see. I was not expecting the butterfly tattoo on his stomach, or the ferns on his v-line disappearing into the towel. His hair is falling in ringlets around his face as a small smirk appears on his face over me gawking at him, but god damn.
I need to get some water.
"Are you going to hand me the sweats or stand there and stare at me all night? I could go either way," he shrugs cockily and I resist the urge to chuck the pants right at his dumb gorgeous face.
"You're still so fucking annoying," I roll my eyes but flash a smile at him, tossing the sweats to him. He shakes his head and closes the bathroom door back behind him to change.
I can't believe I forgot my god damn contacts. Well I didn't necessarily forget to put them in, I just wasn't exactly expecting company when I answered the door.
This isn't that bad. I don't think. I mean, Harry already knows that my real name isn't technically Cassie.
I hear the bathroom door open and shut and I keep my eyes on the floor below me to avoid his stare, knowing what conversation is coming next. He takes the seat next to me on the couch and turns his body to face me.
"I always thought your eyes looked off," he says in a suspicious tone. "A little too blue."
"They are blue contacts. Costume contacts. My eyes are naturally brown," I mumble, playing with my hands.
"But one of them is not brown," he points out with a confused furrow of his brows.
"I'm blind in one eye," I shrug.
"From your accident?" he asks carefully and this makes me peak up at him.
"No, I was born this way." I look back down at my hands in my lap, suddenly feeling incredibly shy.
"Why do you look so sad?" he asks in a pitiful tone and it makes me want to disappear into the floor below us in embarrassment.
"You've mentioned my eyes before. I don't know, I just thought you liked them," I mumble and avoid his eye contact again.
"Hey listen," he scoots closer towards me, facing his knees towards mine. "Look at me."
I peer up at him through my eyelashes and I know my cheeks are a bright shade of red over the embarrassment of being caught in such a stupid lie. But I can't tell him exactly why I wear the contacts, so I'm hoping he doesn't ask anymore questions and assumes it's just something I'm insecure about, and not that I wear them to take away a defining feature of mine just in case.
He reaches out and I freeze, unsure of his next move. He gently takes his pointer finger and places it lightly on the side of my jaw, putting the smallest amount of pressure to get me to turn my head to look at him.
"I don't care about the color of your eyes. I like knowing the real you. No matter what that comes with. If you're more comfortable with your contacts in, then keep them in. The blue looks nice, but nothing is comparable to who you really are. You're beautiful, Cassie," he whispers hoarsely with his eyes slightly hooded.
I turn my body to face him, unsure of what to say to him. Truthfully, I feel damn near giddy on the inside at his words, and a little choked up. I make eye contact with him and suddenly we're only inches apart, and he's looking from my lips to my eyes. I can hear his breath quicken and my heart pounds in my ears with nerves. The tension is building so slowly and I just want to grab his face and break this build up, but I don't. Our knees are almost touching and I feel his hot breath against my mouth. Harry's hand reaches up like he's going to cup my face.
And then there's a knock at the door.
We both jump back in surprise, startled by the noise and blush rises on both of our faces as we look away in embarrassment. Harry raises an eyebrow at me after a moment as if to ask if I'm expecting someone but I make a face and shrug my shoulders because I was not expecting anyone else to show up at my door.
Harry gets up from the bed and tip toes towards the door, telling me quietly to stay where I am. I turn around to face the back of the couch and crouch down a bit to somehow shield myself from whatever is waiting for me, but when the door opens I don't hear Harry greet anyone and I can't see behind Harry's tall figure.
"There's no one here... oh there's a package. I didn't know packages got delivered this late." He bends down to pick up the package and I see him look up and down the hallway before shutting the door.
When he turns around I see a small, brown package wrapped with string. He walks over to me to hand it to me but I just stare at it in his hand.
"I wasn't expecting a package..." I trail off, eyeing the box suspiciously.
"Do you want me to open it? It's not addressed to anyone," Harry asks and I nod gratefully.
It's probably just a prank. Or something sent to the wrong address.
Harry sits on the couch beside me and carefully pulls away at the strings until the box opens up slightly and he peers inside. He reaches in and pulls out a small envelope, about the size of a business card.
"It says 'K' on the front. It must be a mistake," he shrugs and goes to put it back in the box, but I stop him.
This has to be some sort of sick joke. There's no fucking way.
I take the envelope from him with a shaking hand and place it in my lap. I stare at it for a few moments before opening it up.
"Cassie, what's going on? Why do you look like
you're about to pass out?"
Because I am.
I don't respond and instead struggle with getting the folded up piece of paper out of the envelope before finally unfolding it to reveal its contents.
It's a letter.
With handwriting that is all too familiar.
Alex's suicide note.
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thanks for reading <3
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