It was a few days later and Maya was beginning to enjoy her freedom away from her father. She of course upheld her diet, and strict exercise programme, but she also found that Maya Bishop enjoyed trashy reality tv, true crime podcasts, cooking with Carina, hiking with Carina, cuddling with Carina and yeah, Carina. Maya Bishop really liked Carina. Carina was not like what she expected grown ups to be like, she was wiley and goofy and she constantly challenged Maya on breaking the rules. She asked invasive and thought provoking questions and Maya liked that too. She liked thinking about things, especially in this new perspective that Carina seemed to add.
Maya also liked Carina's body. The way she moved, so effortlessly confident. Loose and serious all at once. She looked like a supermodel, Maya had thought more than once since waking up in the fever dream. And looking at the picture she stumbled upon on her phone, she was most definitely suited to be a supermodel. Maya felt a surge of warmth flood down to her panties. Carina was naked in the picture, save from a very tiny black thong. She was standing in front of the mirror, holding a hand at her throat, mouth slightly agape, her hair was tousled. Maya had never seen anything like it. Her boobs, her stomach, her long legs, Maya tried to zoom in at one spot but she ended up zooming back out wanting to see the full picture again every few seconds.
Before she even realised what she was doing, her hand trailed down to her panties and she wasn't exactly surprised to find them wet. They'd been wet a lot since she'd started cuddling with Carina, but this was definitely wetter than they had been before. A small voice in her head was telling her to stop it, she was being perverted and especially doing this to a picture of Carina, but a louder voice said that no one ever had to know. Carina was at work and she was an adult who lived in her own apartment. No one to come barging in, demanding her time or attention.
She whimpered as her fingertips found a really sensitive spot. It felt really good when she pressed it harder. A sound came out of her mouth, she didn't really recognise it as her own. She continued exploring the little knob and found out the faster she stroked the better she felt. She imagined Carina being the one to do this to her and she lost feeling in her legs for half a second, she pulled her hand away. She put her hand back, avoiding the most sensitive spot,as it sent a shiver down her spine to touch it. Her finger circled her hole before she closed her eyes and plunged it into it. Her hips lifted and she moaned again, she did it again and again and then a few more times. She imagined what she must have looked like to a spectator. The thought made her touch the sensitive spot again, hard and fast. She imagined Carina standing at the foot of the bed, watching her, telling her what to do in just that little black thong. She was breathing really heavily and her body was making weird sounds and as soon as the feeling of her legs tingling came back she pulled away.
She laid her arms and legs out like a starfish and she tried to get her breathing back to normal. She felt sweaty and gross. Gross for multiple reasons, she felt filthy actually, she couldn't believe she'd used Carina's picture like that. She closed her eyes trying to regain some control.
⎯⎯⎯
Carina almost laughed as she entered the bedroom. Maya was spread across the entire bed, fully clothed and her phone was clutched in her hand. As she stepped further into the room though she noticed that Maya had her sex hair and she had been sweating. She smiled softly at her wife. Her so sweet wife who was so clearly still the woman she had fallen in love with, though more naive and definitely more sheltered than Carina ever could have imagined. She remembers her wife telling her that she hadn't really explored her sexuality until after the olympics, it had surprised her because Maya definitely had this supersexy, very cocky aura around her. But now she could see clearly what the blonde had meant.
She smiled at the thought that she was comfortable enough in their home to explore her own body. She just really hoped the blonde wasn't beating herself up over it. She was beginning to really get to know this young Maya, and one thing about her was that she was sorry more often than she was not.
Maya blinked her eyes open.
"Ciao, bella." Carina smiled. Maya didn't meet her eyes. Alright, so she was guilty. Maya seemed to panic for a second, looking at the screen of her phone before breathing heavily in relief when she saw that it was black. What had she been looking at? Carina thought to herself with a silent laugh. She decided to play dumb about the whole thing.
"What time is it?" Maya asked, laying her head back on her pillow. Carina chuckled.
"It's late, did you have dinner?" Food was still a constant struggle with them, Carina pushing and Maya refusing to budge. Carina knew that if it wasn't resolved soon, she would have to get Maya some professional help. It wasn't just that she didn't want to eat, but food gave her major anxiety. Carina could see it in her eyes and that was scary. She never knew Maya had an eating disorder, maybe Maya hadn't even known about it. Nonetheless, it made her infinitely more proud of the woman she had married, she was so strong and so happy to be happy. A stark contrast to the girl currently laying in her bed.
"Yes." Maya answered, Carina knew she was lying. "I had some lasagna from the fridge." Carina accepted with a nod and she squeezed Maya's foot before going to the kitchen and making herself some food. She hated herself for checking the dishwasher for any plates, she also checked the bin and there was nothing, not even an empty protein bar wrapper. She'd taken the trash out that morning, so she knew Maya hadn't eaten all day." Suddenly she was very happy she had the lid of the bin open, because she had to throw up.
She emptied the trash after and walked it outside. On her way back to the apartment she talked to the tiny person in her stomach.
"You have to stop making me sick, piccolino. I have to hide it from mommy for a few more days and she gets very worried when I'm sick, okay? No more making mamma sick."
"Did you throw up again?" Maya asked, she was standing in the kitchen, fresh out of the shower and Carina thought she looked absolutely ravishing. She licked her lips, before remembering. She shook her head. Stupid hormones.
"Carina?" Maya waved her hand a little. "Are you still sick? Should you go to the doctor?"
"Don't worry about me. I am fine."
Maya narrowed her eyes, sceptical, but she seemed to accept the answer. Carina felt she really needed a hug and she walked over to Maya hugging her from behind. Maya leaned back into the embrace.
"What will you eat, bambina?" She asked softly.
"I already ate." Maya shrugged.
"Maya." Carina said tiredly.
"Carina." Maya answered in the same tone. "I let your thing go." Maya said and did she think Carina was struggling with food too, or did she just state a simple fact. I let your thing go, now you let mine go. Tit for tat.
"I'll tell you what's going on with me if you eat something, even something small. Whatever you want." Carina tried.
"You say you want me to have control, but you are just like him trying to control how much I eat. If you think I care even a little bit about what's going on with you, I don't. I don't care and I am not fucking hungry. Why is that so hard to understand?" Maya screamed before storming out of the apartment, slamming the door behind her. Carina jolted a little at the loud noise.
You are just like him.
If you think I care even a little bit about what's going on with you, I don't.
Carina clutched her stomach, and fell to the floor, reminded of the last time Maya stormed out like that from an argument. She had gone out and slept with someone else. And though she was fairly certain the blonde wouldn't result to that, there were no limits to what a self destructive Maya Bishop might do.
⎯⎯⎯
She could buy alcohol. The thought struck her as she walked past a bar. She could just walk in there and order an alcoholic drink and no one would bat an eye. Her feet moved on their own, she smiled sweetly at the bouncer who let her in with a creepy smile back. She couldn't help but feel like she shouldn't be here. But she could. She was an adult and like the adult she was she walked up to the bar and ordered a whiskey neat. The only drink she could think of that didn't have "sex" or "orgasm" in the name. She took a big gulp and cringed when she realised it was surprisingly hard to swallow. It burned a little on the way down and she suppressed a gag. She took a smaller sip next time and found that she liked the taste of it, and she liked the way it burned on the way down. She finished it quickly. The bartender came over with the bottle, tipping it in a silent question. She nodded.
"Rough night?" He asked.
"Argument with my wife." Maya almost giggled. It was the most adult thing that had ever left her mouth and it wasn't even a lie.
"Ahh, and what are you doing here instead of at the flower shop around the corner?" He asked, it was clear that he was joking, but Maya thought about it. What was she doing here? Oh right she was playing adult. She shrugged her shoulders. He shrugged too, obviously picking up on the fact that Maya didn't want to talk. He topped up her glass and left her alone. Maya finished her third glass as quickly as she had the two before and the room was getting spinny. Carina had been right of course, Maya hadn't eaten anything that day and she was pretty sure she remembered something about never drinking on an empty stomach. She giggled a little and went to the restroom. When she came back she settled her bill and left, the bouncer gave her another smile but this time she frowned back at him. She kept walking and stumbled upon another bar. She ducked inside, it was in the basement across from the hospital where Carina worked. She walked straight to the bar and ordered her now signature drink. It didn't burn on the way down anymore and Maya frowned. She had liked that feeling.
Finishing that one, she decided just to concentrate on sitting steadily on the barstool, it was becoming quite the challenge. An arm was slung around her shoulder,and Maya jumped. She instinctively knew it wasn't Carina and she didn't want anyone else touching her.
"Hey, Maya." Maya turned around and it took her a second but she recognised her as Carina's weird neurosurgeon friend.
"Go away."
"No way, Firefighter Barbie. Where's your better half?" Maya didn't understand and it must have shown on her face because Amelia laughed, "Carina." She clarified.
"She's not my better half, she's my worse half. No, she's not my anything." Maya muttered and Amelia nodded.
"Okay, so you're super drunk because you had a fight with Carina. Got it. And does she know where you are or is she at home worried sick?"
"She doesn't care. I made sure of it. She hates me now." Maya said as if it was obvious.
"Okay, but I'm going to text her just in case that's not true." Amelia said and steadied her a little when she almost fell down again.
"So is this your first time drinking?" Amelia asked kindly and stroked her back. A glass of water was suddenly in front of her and she grabbed it and took a few sips.
"I'm an adult." Maya said and crossed her arms.
"I'm aware, but in your head you're still 18, and you're dealing with some pretty big stuff. I just want to make sure you know that alcohol is okay as a coping mechanism sometimes, but not every time." Maya narrowed her eyes at the neurosurgeon.
"You're smart." She laughed.
"I am, I'm brilliant." She looked down at her phone. "Carina says she'd be happy to come and get you, or I can drive you home." Maya felt a wave of shame wash over her.
"I think I'm going to stay a little longer."
"Maya, it's time to go home."
"I need flowers first."
"What?" Amelia laughed.
"I need flowers." Maya said again.
"Okay, if we stop and get flowers, can I drive you home?"
"Yeah." Maya muttered. And leaned a little on the neurosurgeon as she tried to stand up.
⎯⎯⎯
"Alright, Lieutenant orgasm. Here we are, you have your flowers, go get your girl."
"But." Maya almost cried. She didn't like this feeling at all.
"Hey. You're okay, Maya. It's okay to be scared, but you're like the bravest person I've ever met and if anyone can do this it's you. I swear she does not hate you. She just wants you to be okay."
"Thanks." The world wasn't spinning so much anymore and Maya walked slowly upstairs.
⎯⎯⎯
Amelia had said they were on their way back from Joe's 30 minutes ago, and it was a five minute drive. Maya still hadn't come home, so she did the most natural thing in the world. She paced back and forth while ranting Italian obscenities. After about five more minutes she found her phone and called Amelia.
"Heyyo, how's Romeo?"
"What?" Carina asked, stressed.
"The flowers, she refused to go home to you without them, spent ten minutes picking out the perfect ones, please say you were nice about it, she was really scared to go home."
"She's not home Amelia."
"What?"
"Maya isn't home." The silence on the other end was enough response Carina needed. Maya had run away, again.
"I'll circle around, see if I can find her. I'm sorry, I should have walked her up, but she seemed fine."
"No, no. She knows what she's doing." Carina huffed as she put on her boots and coat, she opened the door and was met with big blue eyes looking up at her in shock from where she was sitting on the floor. By the looks of it, she'd been crying.
"Nevermind. I found her." Carina said into her phone and hung up. "Maya, hey." All the anger she'd been feeling dissipated and the only thing that mattered was helping her broked, terrified wife.
She wordlessly offered up her flowers, Carina took them and smiled. "They are really beautiful. Thank you." Maya only nodded. Carina held her hand out for Maya to help her up but her wife didn't take it, she just gave her a questioning look.
"Please come inside. I'm not mad at you." Carina said. She had been mad, she'd been furious in fact, but that was until she remembered that her Maya was really struggling and she'd never had a healthy outlet for dealing with her emotions. As far as she knew, Maya wasn't really allowed to have feelings and the freedom of having them these last few days was probably enough for her to feel everything, all at once.
Maya still didn't answer, silent tears were streaming down her face and she itched to dry them away. Carina shrugged then and sat down next to her.
"Tell me what you're thinking about?" She asked and Maya laughed humorlessly.
"I'm thinking about our warm bed, which we can sleep in together if you want, or I'm thinking about the equally comfy guest bed which I'd be happy to take tonight if you wanted some space." Carina said when it became apparent Maya wouldn't answer.
"And I'm thinking about how I feel awful for pushing food on you when you said you didn't want any. I know you don't like that." Maya frowned a little at her.
"I'm thinking about the fact that I know you didn't mean what you said about not caring what's going on with me, because I know you, Maya and I can tell you care very much." At this Maya's bottom lip began quivering and Carina couldn't resist any longer. She needed to see if Maya would hug her. She opened her arms and Maya inched a little closer. It was enough for Carina to move the rest of the way and hug her tight.
"I'm also thinking about the fact that you are an adult so there will be no punishments or yelling inside the apartment. It will be exactly the same as it has been these past few days." She whispered softly and Maya pulled away to look into her eyes. "I promise. Nothing to be afraid of." She whispered as she grabbed Maya's face in both her hands and swiped her thumbs over her cheeks.
"Will you be mad if I say sorry now?" Maya rasped and it broke her heart. She sounded so small.
"No, bambina. If you feel like you need to say sorry, this is a good time for that."
"Okay, I'm really sorry. I don't know why I acted like that."
"Sometimes we just get angry. It's okay, I forgive you."
"I've never yelled like that before." Maya said her words were a little slurred.
"Well, now you have." Carina didn't know what to say. "You've been allowed a lot of freedom these past few days so I understand the urge to yell and be free."
"I'll try not to do it again. It didn't feel good." Maya mumbled and Carina laughed.
"It usually doesn't after a little time to calm down."
"Are you mad at me for drinking?"
"No, bambina. I'm not mad at you at all."
"Okay." The blonde sighed. "Can we go to bed?" Carina felt the urge to tell her to eat something but she let it go.
"yeah, help me up though, I'm getting too old to sit on the floor like this." Maya giggled at that and got up before holding her hands out to her, pulling her up. Carina almost came flying into her wife, she apparently did not know just how strong she was and they laughed about it together.
"Will you sleep with me tonight?" Maya asked and then immediately threw a hand over her mouth as she realised what it sounded like.
Carina shook her head and laughed at the cuteness and grabbed her hand, giving it a kiss. "Yeah, bambina, I'll sleep in the bed with you. I'd love to." She winked and watched Maya actually go weak in the knees.
"Good, because I really like that."
They got ready for bed and Carina expected Maya to fall asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. That was not the case, she babbled on and on about nothing in particular but Carina didn't tell her to stop. She just answered as enthusiastically as she could.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
"And you won't get mad, right?"
"No."
"Why do I have a picture of you naked on my phone?" Carina let out a loud laugh and Maya seemed to ease up at that. She laughed too.
"There are probably more than one on there."
The blonde eyed her phone, Carina could tell she wanted to look for them, she didn't say anything about it.
"Do you want to delete them?" Maya asked softly.
"No." Carina shrugged. "They were a gift. But they are for your eyes only, bella." Maya nodded softly and Carina wondered what she was thinking about. "Did you like it?" She couldn't help herself. Her mind went to this afternoon and she really really wanted it to be that picture Maya had touched herself to, though she would of course never ask.
Maya didn't answer.
"You are allowed to say that you did. No shame about your desires, remember? I wouldn't have sent it to you unless I wanted you to see it."
"Why?"
"Why what?" She wasn't sure what Maya was asking.
"Why did you want me to see it?"
"Well sometimes you ask for it. When we haven't seen each other for a while, other times I just feel sexy and I want you to see."
"Oh. Why?" Carina chuckled.
"Because it's fun."
"Oh."
"You don't think so?"
"Do I?"
"You tell me." Carina laughed and Maya shook her head.
"No no, I mean do I send you pictures like that?"
"You do." Carina tried to gauge her reaction to that.
"And do you like them?"
"I do." Maya frowned at that. "What?"
"Why?" Carina almost rolled her eyes at all the whys but she figured Maya was trying to make sense of it all and so she tried to be patient.
"What are you thinking about, love?"
Maya stayed silent.
"You can tell me." She nudged her playfully. "No judgement here."
"It's kind of weird isn't it? I mean that you know what I look like naked, I'm not sure I like that."
"Hmm." Carina said, a little stunned. "There's not much we can do about that, but you can delete the pictures and I don't have to see you naked again, unless you want me to."
"But I'm supposed to-, married people are supposed to have sex." Maya admitted and there it was. Carina knew the blonde would never admit to this sober.
"We're not supposed to do anything except for what is right for us. Right now it's not having sex, that wouldn't be right because you don't want to."
"But you do?"
"No, not unless you want to. That wouldn't be fun for either of us." She scrunches her nose and Maya seemed to think about that answer.
But-"
"Maya, no buts on this."
"They call you dr. Orgasm."
"Amelia calls me that." She rolled her eyes. "Ignore her please."
"I like her. She's smart." Maya sighed.
"That she is. And also a little crazy." Maya giggled at that.
"She treated me like a friend." Maya whispered. "I've never had a friend before." Carina's heart was breaking but she decided to try and keep the mood light.
"Hey. Excuse me." She joked and Maya rolled on to her, resting her head on Carina's shoulder.
"You're..." She trailed off. "You feel like more than a friend."
"Thank you, bambina." She smiled and kissed the top of her head.
"Is this what hugs are supposed to feel like? No wonder people like them so much."
"Yes, this is what it's supposed to feel like." She hummed.
"I'm going to sleep now. Can I stay here?"
"Stay where? In the bed, bambina of cour-" Maya cut her off with a giggle.
"In your arms?" She whispered.
"Always, bambina."
""What does that mean, anyway?"
"Bambina?" Maya nodded. "There's not a good English translation, but the closest would be baby."
"You call me baby?" Maya laughed.
"What about it?"
"It's so sappy." Her tone wasn't mean, but Carina could tell the thought came from her wife's father.
"It's good to be sappy sometimes. Not everything has to be tough and strong and fast."
"Okay, Carina. Good night." Carina chuckled, Maya was being very adorable, very open and honest and while she knew the alcohol was partly to blame, she knew the blonde had sobered up and Carina felt that maybe Maya was starting to become more comfortable with her. The thought made her fall asleep with a smile on her face.