#DDMS31
❦
XANTIEL
DEJA VU.
That's the strong feeling I'm getting as I observed the scared little girl in front of me. Small hands over her big suitcase. Apparently, Fifteen took her out shopping so they could buy her tons of new clothes.
Nakatingin lang ako sa kaniya, ngunit 'di ko mapigilang mapangiti't mapakagat ng labi, just 'cause Feuille—or Folie, as she prefers to be called—is acting a little cute. She's squirming in shyness at the far corner of my house, back against the main door and not moving an inch further inside her new home. Like a lost little kitten.
Oh, if only you knew. This isn't a new home, little lady. It's your home.
We've made love countless of times in this house, including that exact place where you're standing right now. I have vivid memories of you scratching that door as I take you lovingly from behind.
Nagpamulsa ako sa pantalon at naglakad papunta sa kaniya. She still hasn't looked at me in the eye. I stopped half a meter in front of her and whispered, almost requesting, "Hey, look at me."
Her eyes quickly jerked up to meet mine for a short split-second before settling on the floor again. Literal na wala pang isang segundo nang tingnan niya 'ko. She couldn't look at me. The corner of my lips arched into an amused smirk.
Nahihiya siya sa 'kin.
Ah, so fucking cute.
Gusto ko tuloy siyang asarin lalo.
"You've been serving me coffee while I was resting." I slouched forward and tilted my head sideways, trying to catch her eyes, which she averted quickly. "Can I ask why? Were you concerned for me?" Sinubukan ko ulit hulihin ang mga mata niya, pero mabilis niya itong nililipat sa ibang direksyon. We're like playing a little game of tag, and it secretly amuses me.
"But seriously, though . . ." Nilapat ko ang aking palad sa ibabaw ng kaniyang ulo. My smile curved down into a sad expression. Seriously though, what happened to you when you were at the Guivellnovas?
I ruffled her soft hair and smiled just a little. "Make yourself at home. Bukas na bukas, lilipad tayo sa probinsya mo."
***
Habang nag-iimpake si Folie sa kaniyang kuwarto ay binuksan ko ang laptop para maghanap ng impormasyon tungkol sa kaniyang dating buhay. I was lying on my bed, my upper body propped up by a vertical pillow, laptop on my abs.
Images of a girl who looked a little like the Folie with me now surfaced online, but one would notice the slight differences in their nose and eye shape. My stomach whirled at the thought of Zilvane altering her face without her consent.
Totoo nga ang sinabi ni Xildius, isa siyang gitarista ng isang maliit na banda sa kanilang probinsya. I noticed a few posts on her profile that offered condolences dating five years ago. Looks like her friends and bandmates assumed that she was dead.
I stared at each of her uploaded photo, taking them in one by one. Her selfies, her performances, her group pics . . . and I caught my lips slipping in a little smile. Even though her eye shape and nose are different, this is the Feuille that I knew indeed. She has the same mannerism when she smiles, scrunching her nose just a bit so that a cute wrinkle appears above the bridge.
Binalikan ko ang Folie na kasama ko ngayon sa bahay. Perhaps, if I could make her smile, then that's a way to find out if she is my Feuille. The image of her shying away earlier flashed in my mind. I smirked at the thought. I guess I have to earn it first.
Habang tinitingnan ang mga masasaya niyang larawan na tumutugtog sa gig, ang kaniyang mga matang nagniningning sa tuwa kasabay ng mga naglalarong ilaw sa entablado, nakaramdam ako ng panandaliang lungkot. Ito ang buhay na ninakaw sa kaniya ni Zilvane. Ang ngiting ipinagkait sa kaniya.
It then occured to me.
While we were here making memories, her friends back home are mourning. Layers of guilt built up in my chest.
I hated what Zilvane has done to her, but if I think about it . . . if he didn't abduct Folie and turned her into Feuille, then I wouldn't have even met her in the first place. Sumikip ang dibdib ko nang maisip ang nakakapanlumong katotohanan na iyon.
Pumukaw sa isip ko ang masasayang araw namin na magkasama. So all this time, I was just borrowing her, huh? And now I have to return her to the people she rightfully belongs to.
Kapag ba ibinalik ko na siyang muli sa kaniyang mga kaibigan, tuluyan ko na ba siyang ibinabalik sa dati niyang buhay?
Did the universe just let me find her . . . only to lose her again?
That thought sinked from my head down to my chest, crippling my heart.
Kung alam ko lang na bilang lang pala ang mga araw natin na magkasama . . . eh 'di sana hindi ko na pinakawalan ang kamay mo no'ng gabing iyon . . . eh 'di sana mas hinigpitan ko pa ang yakap ko sa 'yo.
The professor was right. Her life as Folie is her real life. Her life as Feuille . . . was just made up by Zilvane.
Doon ko napagtanto ang tunay na ibig sabihin ng mga salita ni Xildius.
"Because I knew from the start that I had to take her away from you in the end. I was hoping that . . . not falling for her would somehow lessen that pain."
He wasn't referring to the night she had to leave me for her mission—he was referring to the unavoidable fact that when this all ends, she has to return to her real life as Folie.
I felt my chest tighten.
All those foolish thoughts of happy ever after, of marrying her and having our own family . . . are just nothing but that. Foolish thoughts.
Because it would be stupid and selfish of me to keep her from her real friends and family. That would make me no different from Zilvane. Because she was never really ours, or mine, to begin with. And giving her back to her loved ones, to her actual home, to her rightful life, is the right thing to do.
Knock. Knock.
Two quiet knocks on my door made me jolt up in surprise. Pagtingin ko sa orasan sa laptop ay alas-nuwebe na pala. Shit, hindi pa pala kami naghahapunan!
Para naman akong tanga, oh! Kung ano-ano pa kasi ang inaalala ko. Saka na muna ang mga problema. Gutom na siguro siya!
Pagbukas ko ng pintuan ay naroon si Folie, nakayuko't nilalaro ang dulo ng kaniyang damit. May mahinang kulo mula sa kaniyang tiyan na nakarating sa tainga ko.
Shit, hindi pa ako nakakabili ng malulutong ulam para sa 'min. "W-wait! Order ako ng food para ipa-deliver sa 'tin!"
Habang nagta-type sa phone ay bigla akong napahinto. I looked at the meek girl standing across me. If she really was my Feuille, then . . .
An idea popped in my mind. Itinuloy ko na ang pag-order ng pagkain at niyaya siya sa hapag-kainan para makapaghanda at doon na kami maghintay sa pagdating ng delivery.
Labinlimang minuto lang ang lumipas at dumating na agad ang pagkain. "Ayan na! Time to eat!" I had to remind myself not to get too excited.
Inilapag ko sa mesa ang mga binili kong ulam. A rich-looking A1 Wagyu steak that would make anyone salivate just by looking at it, and a fried bangus. I placed them on separate serving plates so that we could both enjoy any of the two dishes.
Kung ikaw talaga si Feuille, pipiliin mo ang isda.
Lumipas na ang sampung minuto pero hindi pa rin siya kumikilos. What's wrong? Akala ko ba ay gutom siya kanina? Is there a chance that she knows I might be testing her?
"Uy, huwag kang mahiya!" presinta ko. "Kain na!"
Just to push her to further take the bait, I acted innocent and sliced her a piece of the Wagyu steak, placing it on her plate. "Masarap 'yan. Top in its class."
Hindi pa rin siya kumikibo. Naiilang ba siya na kasama ako?
Tinapos ko na lang agad ang pagkain ko at nagpaalam na sa kaniya. Baka sakaling kumain na siya kapag nakaalis na ako. Again, like a lost kitten.
"Sige, una na 'ko. Hindi mo kailangang maghugas ng pinggan, si Xild na ang bahala," bilin ko. "'Yong asong robot sa bahay ang tinutukoy kong Xild, hindi si professor."
Bumalik na ako sa kuwarto at hinintay na matapos ang isang oras. Siguro naman ay tapos na siyang kumain. Pagkababa ko sa hapag-kainan, laking gulat ko na naroon pa rin ang mga pagkain at hindi man lang nagalaw. What the? Ano'ng problema?
Maya-maya ay nakarinig ako ng kaluskos sa kusina. Sinundan ko ang ingay at natagpuan si Folie na kinakain ang mga tsitsirya roon. Nagulat siya nang makita ako at mabilis na nagpunas ng bibig.
"Bakit 'yan ang kinakain mo? May ulam tayo!" Lumapit ako sa kaniya para agawin ang hawak na junk food. "Why are you settling for this junk?!" Napalakas ang pagsigaw ko.
Halos maiyak siya dahil sa takot. Fuck, what did I do?
"I-I don't eat meat . . ." mahina niyang bigkas.
Tumaas ang kilay ko. Gusto ko sanang humiyaw ulit pero pinili ko na lamang huminga nang malalim. "We had fish. May pritong bangus tayo kanina. Gano'n ka ba kasosyal na ayaw mo ng pritong bangus? Ano'ng gusto mo, sashimi? Lobster?"
Akala ko ay nakakalma na ako, pero medyo masungit pa rin ang tono ng pagkakasabi ko sa kaniya.
I caught her lips pursing in a quiet whimper. "T-that fish was cooked with lard from pork fat . . ."
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Fuck. I didn't know! Natampal ko ang noo ko sa inis. How was I so careless?!
Bumalik ang tingin ko sa kawawang Folie sa harap ko. Narinig kong muli ang mahinang kulo ng kaniyang tiyan. "Wait here. I'll go out to quickly find you food."
Nagulat ako dahil may humatak sa dulo ng manggas ko. "Can I go with you?" her reluctant voice asked. "I can eat na lang outside. That might be faster."
***
Nakahinga na ako nang maluwag habang pinapanood siyang kumain. Buti na lamang ay nakahanap kami ng restaurant na mabilis mag-serve ng pagkain. Gabi na kaya wala na rin masiyadong tao.
"Sarap ba?" nakangiti kong tanong habang pinagmamasdan siyang ngumuya na parang bata.
Tumango siya at nagpatuloy sa pagkain ng spicy tuna salad. I sighed inwards. If she was able to quickly catch the lard oil earlier, it means that she really is a pescetarian. That's a point towards the direction that she might just be the Feuille that we know.
"You were . . . trying to test me a while ago, right?" bigla niyang banggit na siyang gumulat sa 'kin. "We heard you and the professor talking yesterday. You needed to confirm if I was the same woman you guys met five years ago."
Bumuntong-hininga ako sabay amin. "Yes, I'm sorry. I was a bit harsh earlier. I should've checked the food better."
Napadila siya sa sauce na napunta sa gilid ng kaniyang labi. "It's okay. I understand. The professor also told me about the need to remember what happened, or to recall a missing item."
I nodded, softly easing in an apologetic smile.
Yumuko si Folie at saglit na napahinto sa pag-kain. "Kaso . . . wala talaga akong maalala. When I opened my eyes, I was shocked to see myself in front of an unfamiliar house. And even more shocked to find myself in tattered clothes."
May lungkot na humagod sa dibdib ko habang pinapakinggan siya.
Damn it, Xanti. What the hell was I doing?
Nagising na lamang siya na walang naaalala kung ano'ng nangyari sa loob ng limang taon. Natagpuan niya na lang ang sarili sa lugar na 'di niya alam, malayo sa kaniyang mga minamahal. Siguradong naguguluhan din siya sa mga nangyayari sa kaniya ngayon.
And yet here I was, being so mean to her.
"I'm sorry, Feuille," bigkas ko. "Sorry."
"It's Folie, not Feuille," kaniyang pagtama.
"S-sorry," ulit ko.
"So . . . ano'ng mangyayari kung sakaling hindi ako 'yong Feuille na nakilala niyo?" tanong niya.
I answered her with a warm smile. "Then we'll do our best to help you return to your old life. Huwag kang mag-alala, kami bahala kung paano ayusin ang mga papeles mo at kung paano kausapin ang mga tao sa paligid mo. We'll help you get back on foot and start again."
"At kapag ako nga ang Feuille na kailangan niyo?" she followed up. Her eyes blinking in wonder.
I licked my lip a little, and leaned forward towards her. My hand wanting to reach hers, but stopping just an inch close. "Well, marami akong plano. Una, hahanap tayo ng paraan para mabalik ang mga alaala mo. Tapos, maghihiganti tayo kay Zilvane. Tapos . . ."
"Tapos?" she repeats with eagerness.
I had to bite my lip to stop from smiling at my next words. "We'll start again. Siguradong wala ka pang nararamdaman para sa 'kin ngayon. Pero doon din naman tayo nagsimula, eh. So it doesn't matter. Liligawan ulit kita. Papaibigin ulit kita. Tapos . . ."
Nakita kong namula ang kaniyang mga pisngi sa mga salitang binitawan ko. "T-tapos?"
Prepare yourself for my next words, little lady.
"Tapos mag-pro-propose ako sa 'yo sa ilalim ng mga sumasayaw na alitaptap." I felt my heart thumping faster as I gazed into her wonder-filled eyes. "Tapos ikakasal tayo. Tapos magkaka-baby. Tapos magkaka-baby ulit. Tapos kung game ka, another baby ulit."
She bit her lower lip and looked down. "Xantiel . . ."
"Sorry, nabigla ka ba? Ilang baby ba gusto mo?" biro ko sabay tawa.
"I'm sorry, Xantiel." Her chest heaved in nervousness as she tried her best to compose her words. "But . . ."
Ang sunod kong narinig ay isang malalim at mahabang paghugong sa 'king mga tainga. Tila ba ayaw nitong tanggapin ang mga salitang binigkas niya.
No. No fucking way.
"I have a guy waiting for me back home."
Fuck.
#DDMS31