A/N : ok, so the start of this may be shit, ive come to the realisation that i just cant write angry stuff but oh well. Oh and sorry for the long wait... my bad 😭
Carina's POV:
So... I know the point of me coming to Maya and my dorm was to talk to Maya, and you know... go inside the apartment but I have in fact been standing outside the door for the past 10 minutes rehearsing the possible conversations inside my head.
And I hate to break it to you, but I feel like none of the possible conversations have good endings.
Hence the fact I'm standing on this side of the door.
I just want to get into that apartment, talk to my girlfriend, and fix everything that's gone wrong.
Can't be that hard right?
I've just got to ask her what's wrong and apologise for the plethora of things that she'll tell me I've done.
Ok but in that process she'll apologise for the things that she's done too, like completely avoiding me and refusing to hang out with me.
Because I'm not a pushover, I'm not the only one in this relationship, Maya has done wrong things as well. Maya has upset me in the past and in the end, I was the one to apologise for something else she brought up.
It's like she's not even trying anymore. She's just given up trying to maintain our relationship.
Maybe she doesn't want one anymore?
It wouldn't surprise me.
With all the times she just tells me she wants space, and she wants me to leave her alone, maybe she just wants me to leave her alone forever.
Fuck.
Maya's POV
I know Carina is outside the door.
She's not exactly the quietest person in the world.
Once, we went into a Pizza Hut and she managed to knock over an entire stack of ceramic plates...
I've never seen so many people stare at me before.
It was funny nonetheless, the way that she just stood there like a lost puppy, trying not to burst out laughing at the sight of 10s of plates she smashed on the floor.
Well now that I say it, it's not that funny but in the moment it was, trust me.
But back to the point, Carina has been muttering to herself for like 10 minutes now and I feel bad interrupting.
I didn't want to eavesdrop accidentally, so I put my headphones in to lower the risk but after what felt like hours I finally heard a knock on the door interrupting my music.
Rising from the bed, I walked over to the door, opening it to the sight of a seemingly very angry or upset Carina, to be honest, I wouldn't know the difference between the two.
"Do you want to break up?" She echoed, looking me dead in the eye
"What?" Was the only thing I can summon out of my mouth
"Do you want to break up with me?" She repeated
A questionable chuckle leaves my mouth before I realise that she is serious.
"Break up?" I question "Why would we break up?"
"You tell me," she says
I can physically feel my heart beating. I feel as if I open my mouth I may throw up. The faint burning remaining on my arm intensifies as I reach with my other hand to hold it.
I feel like my entire world has just collapsed around me.
"Carina?" I mumble, as if I am in shock, "Do you want to talk?"
As a firm nod falls my way, I move back out of the way to allow room for her to enter, watching as she walks straight over to her bed, sitting on top of it. she looks over at me with stern eyes, seeing me walk over to the parallel bed, sitting on the edge.
it took a few seconds for anyone to talk. we both just sat staring at each other, both wanting answers but neither daring enough to ask for them.
"So, do you want to break up or what?" she questions, looking at me with tears in her eyes
"Carina, why are you talking about breaking up? Why would we break up?"
"Because of you Maya!" she spits, "Because you clearly don't want anything to do with me!"
"Don't want anything to do with you? Why on earth would you think I wouldn't want anything to do with you?" I spoke, keeping calm unlike the Italian beast sitting opposite me
"You keep telling me to go away bella!"
One of the first times in a while she's called me bella and it's while she's telling me we should break up... nice.
"You don't speak to me, you don't acknowledge me, you just act like you don't want anything to do with me. what else do you expect me to think?"
"I don't do that Carina" I say as she scoffs, "We were supposed to go on a date which is a pretty relationship-like thing to do if you ask me, but your friend decided that that wasn't going to happen. Not too much of a shocker though, Gabriella her not allowing her crush to go on a date with her girlfriend."
I look blankly at her, having had enough of pretending like I don't see the flirting going on between the two of them.
"Crush?" she laughs, mocking the idea of it
"Yeah, you and Gabriella"
"Maya, what the hell are you talking about? There isn't a me and Gabriella, we are friends, what on earth could have made you think otherwise?!"
"Oh, I don't know... the touching, the nicknames, the looks, the fact that she's the only person you ever spend time with, maybe that stuff has made me question whether or not you're planning on running off with her"
"Oh my god, Maya" she says, continuing her laughing
"What? Don't fucking laugh, I'm not making it up,"
"Maya me and Gabriella are friends! Friends, you ever heard of that? Yes, we hang out, yes we have nicknames, yes we hug, that's what friends do!"
"Ok, now what?!" I ask, sensing the tone
"You are all alone bella" she sighs, looking genuinely sad as she softens her eyes and lowers her voice, "you have no friends, nobody to talk to other than me. You can't be mad at me for having that."
"I don't need friends-"
"Yes you do Maya! I'm not going to be here every waking hour to talk to you! I have friends, I have other places to be, you need someone who you can talk to and hang out with, you need someone who can be there as well as me"
Her eyes meet mine, glossing over as if she were about to cry
"I love you bella, I do, but I don't believe you when you say you like being alone because whenever you are alone, you end up like this-"
"Like what?" I huff
"Depressed"
"I'm not depressed" I rush out, a mocking smile on my face at the lone thought of her thinking I'm depressed
"Well, you look it. You don't talk, before we spoke about a date, I hadn't seen you smile in months, you just don't seem ok bella, and I can't think of any other reason why,"
"Because I'm losing you" i tell her
"How is the-"
"You don't hang out with me anymore, you don't speak to me, you only ever tell me when you're going out with Gabriella and god knows who else, I'm all alone and finding other people to fill that hole isn't going to do anything because all I want is you. I want my girlfriend back, my Carina. I want her, I don't want a bunch of strangers,"
"Maya I'm only doing that because you ignore me"
"I don't ignore you, what the hell Carina?!"
"Yes you do, you have no interest in me anymore, we are just co-existing!"
"I do have an interest; I just don't know how to talk to you about the things that you want to talk about!"
This is followed by silence.
It was a metal, unspoken agreement that we weren't getting anywhere.
"Maya" she sighs, her hands coming up to wipe her face, the stress apparent a mile away, "What the hell has happened to us?"
We've grown up that's what happened. I don't know whether I'd say we've grown apart because I don't believe that to be true, but we have definitely grown up.
We've gained interest in things that don't involve each other, we've created lives that don't revolve around each other, and we've gone from being the only person each other spent their time with, to being one of many, well... I'm one of many people Carina talks to, I can't say the same for her.
That's not her fault though, I know that. She's allowed friends, that's fine, I just don't know how to get my own.
"I love your Carina" I say under my breath
I do.
I love her with everything in me.
Love is a quiet emotion, its one that people don't express until it's accompanying a loud one.
They'll tell someone they love them when they're mad, when they're sad, when they're overcome with happiness or excitement, but the truth is it lives alongside of these emotions.
You wouldn't feel angry unless you felt a happy emotion that you were now being deprived of, neither would you feel sad. Other emotions require love to begin with, but love is felt because of these, as a result of these happy, exciting feelings.
It lives amongst these emotions but unlike them, its silent.
It lives in the air around us; we breathe it in, we rely on it, and any form of removal and our emotions begin to choke.
Our emotions cannot exist without love.
We cannot exist without love.
Whether this be for a person or for an object, we require some number of feelings to feel like a being.
I'm only telling Carina that I love her because I'm angry.
My anger is giving voice to my love which would otherwise be mute.
It would be felt but Carina, not heard.
She would feel my love for her, through looks, touches, words of other topics, but the problem with this then, is the lack of these things that Carina and I have been having.
There have been no looks, no touches, no words, we've hardly seen each other for months, so the love that I haven't vocalised has also not been felt, resulting in a feeling of its absence.
I now felt the need to voice an emotion that is unable to voice itself
"I love you." I repeat, watching her eyes track mine, "I don't want to break up with you Carina"
"That's great and all bambina but telling me that you love me doesn't fix the fact that we've got problems"
"I'm aware, but we can fix all of that, I can fix all of that, I'll make friends, I'll talk to you more, I'll figure it out I promise-"
"It's not all on you" she sighs, moving back on the bed so she can lean on the wall, "I can fix things too but I can't do it if you won't talk to me"
"Then I'll fix that too" I add desperately. I may be pissed at her for certain things but while the idea of a breakup is on the table, I'll do anything.
"You're really going to talk to me?" she raises her eyebrows
"Yeah sure" I say, honesty doubting my own abilities
"well, I've got one question I need an answer to"
"Hit me" I say, prepared for another question about how lonely I am
"What did I see on your arm yesterday?"
shit.
"nothing" I lie. See, I had a reason to doubt myself, I'm very unreliable.
Now this may seem like a bad thing to do on my part, but we just got past the threat of a breakup, I'm just avoiding making her feel bad.
"You just told me we'd talk more, that includes the bad parts" she sighs, "This isn't going to work unless-" I cut her off
"You burnt me with the curling iron. "
Yep, just rip the band aid off
"Gabriella came in and you burnt me- accidentally" that clarification definitely was not needed but I didn't want it to sound like I was accusing her of something.
"What? Why didn't you say anything bella?"
"Well, you just ran off, that didn't leave me much talking time"
She just looked at me for a second, not seemingly mad but not happy either
"I'm so sorry" she blinks, her glossy eyes releasing a tear rolling down her cheek as she pushes herself off her bed and comes over to sit with me on mine,
"I'm sorry" Carina repeats, opening her arms for me
I scoot over shy fully, burying my head in her neck as she wraps her arms around me, one band on the bottom of my back and one tangled in my hair.
The hand on my back glides up and moves to my shoulder, stroking down until she reaches my wrist where she pulls up my sleeve to reveal the burn present on my skin.
"I never would've hurt you on purpose I swear Maya-"
"I know, it was an accident, you didn't realise" I reassure, knowing that of all our problems this was nothing. she didn't mean it and I should've said something, in this instance, we were both at fault
"I love you too Maya, I love you so much, we're going to fix everything I swear"
"I know" I mutter into her neck, letting myself sink into her embrace
I've always loved her hugs.
From the first one I got to the most recent, they've always been the type of hug that's made me feel safe.
That first hug wove our souls in a way that will be a forever bond. It will always be able to fix things, it will always be able to heal wounds. It's not a be all and end all but it's a start.
It's a bond that will last forever and I hope that was her intention because I don't think I could ever lose it.
A/N : I would promise a quicker update but you know me...
anywayyyy what do you thinkkkk